


Misconceptions

by cauldronofdoom, lilsmartass



Series: First Impressions: DVD Extras [1]
Category: The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Comment Fics, Gen, Meta, fanfic AUs, fanficcing a fanfic, non-linear timeline, non-standard relationship dynamics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-22
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2017-11-26 11:09:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 108
Words: 87,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/649891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cauldronofdoom/pseuds/cauldronofdoom, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilsmartass/pseuds/lilsmartass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of my metas and comment fics for lilsmartass's epically awesome story Iron Man Yes, Tony Stark... Not Reccomended. This will not make sense without reading that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Characterization Meta

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lilsmartass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilsmartass/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Iron Man Yes, Tony Stark...Not Recommended](https://archiveofourown.org/works/576665) by [lilsmartass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilsmartass/pseuds/lilsmartass). 



> The chapter talking about the relationship dynamics and why they have a tag is 108. It's kind of important, especially if you have any concerns about Clint/Natasha. Should there be anything else you think should have a warning, please mention it. Specifically, mention what about it makes you think it needs a warning. I'm not guaranteeing to warning about everything, but I'm always willing to discuss it.

I have finished packing and *should* be sleeping... but I really just can't leave this alone. So instead, you can have my meta rant on why I am angry at your not-Tony characters, and why Rhodey is epic: (side note: I still adore the fic, I just have so many *emotions* that I need to get them out)

Tony is on the team because they call him when they go fight. Full stop.

Screw profiles, screw status, screw all of that. That is what a team is. It is not a roster, it is not those who made the cut, it isn't any of that. Speaking from both sides of the fence here, I assure you that this is how it works. You can make every cut they invent, but that doesn't get you on the team. They could pull up Vision right now and say, "We've created this android. He'll fight with you." And that wouldn't make him part of the team. There is no way for outsiders, even Fury or coaches, to put someone on a team, or to pull them off of it. They are strong influences, yes, but they *do not* have any say.

Tony is correct. As soon as Coulson walked through that door with those files, Tony was an Avenger. They called, they expected him to come, they relied on him, and he met those expectations. If he was a consultant for real, he'd have gotten a call and possibly the files on the Tesseract. He would not have been given the personnel files, and he would not have been invited to the meeting on the helicarrier. If he'd even gotten on the ship, he'd have been immediately sent to his lab, where Bruce would probably have joined him. If he was just a consultant, he would have been called in to *consult*, not allowed to get himself elbow deep in every one of Fury's pies. 

And moving them into his house? That is a team thing right there. Once you start blurring those lines, there is no straightening them back out.

Sudden thought! Fury did that on purpose. He didn't know about Clint's possessive assholery and didn't *really* get Steve's thoughts. He agreed to have Tony as a 'consultant' because he knows he can't *force* the others to be real teammates. He's hoping that living together will blur those lines, and that Tony's charm will win them over (because no one will convince me that MCU Fury doesn't have a huge soft spot for Tony, professionalism aside).

Back to my point, though: Tony fights with the Avengers. They clearly expect him at their fights. That means he is on the team, no matter how strained the relationship would be. As it is, they're actually shooting themselves in the foot by ignoring Tony, because how are they to learn to fight effectively as a unit if they disregard a whole part? Rhodey should point that out rather acidicly to them in part three. They're going to be at the same battles, so the *only* smart thing to do would be to learn to work together in battle. Else someone's going to hit an ally, and 'friendly fire isn't'. 

Plus, and Tony seems to be the only one who understands this, being an Avenger *isn't about them*! It's about the people they're saving, the people who rely on them to make sure they're safe. Personal preference has *no* place in Avengers line-ups, and it never has. Rhodey even drops the ball a bit on this one, not realizing why Tony's trying *so* hard to make this work. He's not doing it for himself, or for Fury, or for his teammates. He's doing it because he *knows* that he can't handle things like the Chitari himself, like he has been Earth's homegrown warmongers. He absolutely and completely trusts the Avengers to have his back, because when the chips are down, they know they need him too. *That's* why he still calls them 'his', and *that's* why he's willing to give them as many chances as they need. Because it's about Pepper, and Happy, and that kid from IM2, and even about people like Senator Sterns.

So really, the only one here who actually understands the meaning of 'team' is the only one who's never had one.  
~  
(comment by lilsmartass)  
~  
The thing is, Tony probably *has* worked on teams before. Engineering doesn't happen in a vaccuum, and I don't think even he could have avoided the mandatory projects that engineers do in school that force them to work in teams. I also have no doubt whatsoever that those teams were of the 'I will pretend to get along with you from 9 to 5 (excluding lunch) until the semester is over' variety. I also think Tony would have carried his team. So 'everyone hates me' and 'I need to do all the "teamwork" myself' are the two lessons he learned there. Working with the Avengers would be the first time he's on the other side, since he's not military and this is a strike force. So when things go wrong, he thinks it's all him because he's worked with that one guy who just doesn't get it before and *that* one wasn't *his* fault, of course. 

Also, I see him sticking with it *because* he's an engineer. Fixing broken things, making them better, is what he *does*. Giving up on them would be invalidating his entire existence, in a sense. 

As for the team, they made a choice when they labeled him a consultant after the Chitari battle. Then they invalidated that choice and replaced it the first time they called him for an Avengers thing. Even if it was just clearing rubble, they purposely presented the four of them as a united front. That was a choice. Regardless of anything Fury, Couson, Hill, or anyone else might say, they *chose* to put him on the team when they didn't tell him, "It's okay if you don't want to be here. You are a consultant instead of a full member, after all. Perhaps your time might be better spent with R&D?" They had every chance to notify him of his status. They *chose*, conciously or not, not to do so. 

Steve's 'I-can't-work-with-him' mentality is just him being a stubborn ass himself. If he truly felt that way, or felt he couldn't come to respect Tony, he should have brought it to Fury's attention. That's the correct thing to do in any situation where you simply can NOT work with assigned partners, and it is something I've done in both sporting and classroom situations myself. As soon as he made the choice to work with Tony regardless of the irritation, he should be expected to at least try and meet Tony halfway. He didn't. I'm sure the continuing story will make the 'why' of that a little clearer, and I'm looking forward to reading it.  
~  
(comment by lilsmartass)  
~  
I would think Fury, Coulson, and Hill would have worked together long enough to have worn away some of those missunderstanding edges, but I suppose they never go entirely away. After all, you'd think the same thing about Clint and Natasha, and yet he still deprived her of shoe-knives...

I know what you mean. Occasionally I see fics where he tears a strip off of Hammer/Ty/whoever, and since it's in Tony's POV it all seems reasonable. But in reality, Steve's taking it a bit too far. There's 'excuse me, you're bothering someone I care about, and I would like you to leave now' and there's 'you are a horrible, horrible, irredeemable person for not liking poor widdle Tony-kins' and he's far too often portrayed as the latter. It's hard to keep from... hmm, I don't think I know the literary term. I'm going to call it 'metagaming' because that's what we call it in D&D. It's using knowledge you have as a player that your character wouldn't have. For example, claiming the Ring of Wishing was metagaming because though I'd been leafing through the rulebooks looking for things to buy, my character would never have known about them, or recognized them from the description (I was 12, okay, I've gotten better since then).

(A collection of personal stories about being the 'smart kid', which I am, for some ridiculous reason, being shy about now, leading into the comment...) Because all that all of us had learned from groupwork by the age of 16 was "If you want something done right (or even done at all), do it yourself."

That's my headcanon for Tony not following orders and not telling others when he changes plans. They're expecting him to go against twenty+ years of social conditioning just because they say, "trust me, I'm a professional." Also, he's totally convinced that the second he lets go of one iota of control things'll go pear-shaped like with SI and Obie, or with Vanko getting out, or Rhodey letting Hammer touch the suit...  
~  
(Another bit from lilsmartass)  
~  
The main problem is that Tony and Steve got off on the wrong foot. Tony's plan wasn't actually 'attack', no matter how he phrased it. He just knew there was nothing to be gained by waiting, and a heck of a lot that could be lost. Remember, they had no way of tracking Loki. It's a safe assumption that they couldn't track Thor either. Having their arial support chase them while they were still close enough to follow *was* a plan, and it was a good one. Also, they can't plan without intel, and they didn't have any. Steve said no, and Tony just immediately went, "No, what do you think you're doing, quit it, just sit there and don't touch anything!" Just like we discussed that we both do. Steve did not see that, because he's not the type of commander to send one of his men (in the generic. Natasha is a man in this case too) in like that. He'd go himself. After all, he jumps out of the plane instead of asking Natasha to follow them. 

Then, on the helicarrier, Tony is *deliberately* being abrasive to distract from his actions. He had good reason to do what he did, too. HYDRA weapons could disintegrate, and they were powered by the cube. If they were going to make it back, they *all* needed to know the capabilities of their opponents. Steve doesn't see that, because he's a little more used to the chain of command and the thought that if they don't tell you, you don't need to know. He just sees some civilian swanning into a military operation and making trouble while they're in a crisis situation.

Plus the nicknames: Steve thinks they're rude and insensitive. Tony has lived his whole life in the public eye, and has learned to shoo the elephant out of the room as soon as you see it. So where Steve sees them (the ones directed at both Bruce and him) in a 'I will laugh at things you don't want discussed' way, Tony means it in a 'I know, you know I know, and I do not pity or think less of you for it' sort of way. 

By the time he moves in and Tony starts giving him things, he's already decided that Tony is not a good person. Not without *reason*, true, but very incorrect. Without Thor (who is also famous and shameless) or Bruce (who also thinks faster than others) there's just no bridge. There's no reason for him not to interpret Tony's actions badly.

Especially with Clint and Natasha there. I love them to death, but they made some bad decisions here. What it boils down to, though, is just that neither of them have ever been in a situation where they knew someone who would just give random gifts. Nothing big, but someone giving you a candy cane they had in their pocket after holding open a door, or your sibling tossing a chocolate at your head because they had one and didn't feel like eating it themselves, or your mother bringing home a bright, fuzzy, pink fleece sweater because, 'it's what you get when you spend $250 on groceries this week, and it looked like it would fit you'. SHIELD gives them food and shelter and everything, but it definitely expects things from them, and that's probably the most benign group they've ever been a part of. The fact that buying a car is the equivalent of a candy cane for Tony and the fact that incendiary arrow-heads are the same thing as those toques you get because your aunt loves to knit and needs to give them to *someone* in his books. (I think I forgot the end of this sentence in the original post. It should have been 'just doesn't occur to them'.)

Maria is also justified in her dislike of Tony. She was, very specifically, the person he was needling while he was doing his JARVIS magic trick, as well as she was the person who fell for it. That, along with the days she's probably had leading up to that discussion, would leave her snapping at Tony even without him being a not-quite-trusted outsider. 

All of this, obviously, could have been avoided if Coulson wasn't injured. He knows both Tony and Clint & Natasha, and would have noticed the dissonance long before it became such an issue. However, he was in the hospital, and I don't think anyone ever *told* him Tony was banned. He probably just assumed Tony was uncomfortable with medical and didn't want to come for that reason. If anyone caught on that he was a little sad when Tony didn't show, they probably put it down to being a little sad Tony was *mentioned*, since they were already set in their ways beforehand.

Fury I will refrain from speculating on, because I don't want to spoil any surprises like I might have already done a bit.

So there you have it, one giant misunderstanding because everyone thinks *their* way of doing things is the right and logical way and that the others are silly/stupid/reckless/dangerous for not seeing that. Granted, I still think their exclusionary actions are going too far (especially when Clint lied like that) but they all have understandable and sympathetic viewpoints. 

Steve and Tony are the main focus, though, and they are both just so precious. I want to gather them up and cuddle as well as lecture them on communication. And Steve on exclusionary bullying. I can't wait till we get to see his POV between ch 8 and 9. That with be amazing, and I fully expect you to make me cry. Then we get to the fixing part, and I super excited about that too.

~  
(it was only after this comment that I learned Coulson was in a coma, but this was basically the end of this thread.)


	2. Hammertech and 'Present Face'

Who wants Hammertech? Rhodey's voice in IM2 says it all right there. ;) I figured it was just that Hammer made a plea, and someone higher up said, "Great! Free new tech! SHIELD put in for more funding, I'll give it to them!" Then Fury was stuck pretending he really did want new underwear and that hideous, scratchy sweater for Christmas. I'm curious as to how it will come out for real, though.  
~  
(lilsmartass informs me that she (is that the correct pronoun? From a few comments I got that impression, but please feel free to correct me if you'd like something else, even just the non-specific 'ze') already has plans for the Hammertech)  
~  
Yes, but until you finalize your plans I will sit over here imagining a cartoon of some politician with a Santa hat handing over something that says 'Hammertech' and Fury standing there with a bad case of 'present face' (Garfunkle and Oates. It's worth checking out the song) and saying "Just what I always wanted..."


	3. Seducing Natasha Part I

... I am very angry with the boys right now. "She's on a mission." As in, "This would be a horrible time to try and seduce her because she's *busy*"! Did neither of them stop to *think*? What happened to all of their oft-touted brains? For goodness sake, Tony's response to "Why didn't you *say* anything?" Should have been, "When the fuck have you ever given me half a moment to do so?", because, really?  
~  
Actually, that might be a good plot to take Natasha out. "Hey, honey, why don't you slip into those items (which will only take about an hour to do justice too) and then we can have a quickie in the closet before you run off to play Mission Impossible?" *Waggles eyebrows*. She'd be laughing too hard to defend herself ;)


	4. Fanfic Bunny: Picking Sides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick note on the titles: anything I just give a title to will be a comment thread/meta, something with the preface 'fanfic bunny' will be an idea I mentioned, and things that say 'fanfic' will be actual little stories that are a bit more fleshed out.

Somewhere in III or IV you should have Clint or Steve make a snarky comment just because they're having a bad day or something and are taking it out on everyone, only Tony goes white as a sheet, curls in on himself, and slinks off as soon as he can. When the other (or Natasha) finally calms them down enough to listen after the rant, Tony's locked himself in the workshop and is easily managing to blame himself, though he doesn't know what he did wrong. Oh! Oh! Do it with Clint, and then there's the angst from the others about picking Clint over Tony. *Again*!


	5. Nanny Coulson

Coulson is going to be horrified (though it'll be well hidden) and silently thinking, "There's a super soldier, two spies, two management-level spies, and a genius billionaire. Couldn't *one* of them have made it to their kindergarten classes often enough to learn to use their words?" Plus that he'll never take a vacation again, because aforementioned people apparently can't find their asses with both hands and a map unless he's talking them through it.  
~  
(from lilsmartass) I just kind of like to imagine Coulson's, somewhat whimpery thoughts as he realises the person who turns into a giant green rage monster might be the most emotionally adjusted person on the team of superheroes.  
~  
(also in this thread: lilsmartass responded that being in a coma doesn't count as a vacation. I said that I know, but he's not even going to dare take weekends off after how badly this has gone in his absence. He'd be too afraid of what's going on to relax at all.)


	6. Fanfic: The Return of Bruce (Alternately: Team SCIENCE!!!)

Fury: "Welcome to the Avengers, Dr. Banner. Now, the four of you are being lodged..."  
Bruce: "Four? What? There's four now."  
F: "Mr. Stark is a consultant, and as such..."  
B: "Wait, you didn't tell me Tony wasn't on the team! Screw this!" He rips up the papers before him. "He knows I'm in town. I'll just go join Team Iron Man, then! Science FTW! Down with Black Ops!" *Runs away cackling, since he wasn't all that interested in joining the military anyway.*  
F: "Dr. Banner, come back here! You can't leave now anyway! We're over the ocean!"  
B: (faintly) "It's a good thing the other guy can swim, then!"


	7. Requisition of Resources Part I

(this came right after the chapter where Natasha sent Clint's arrows back with a terse note instead of *asking* Tony to back off)

For Natasha, I can sort of see it. She used to going with the most effective response, not necessarily the most moral or most balanced. Steve, though, should have thought twice about that choice. That's his job, as leader. So, more even than on Clint, this is all on Steve. I like how he knows it in the last part, too. Even with him thinking Tony wasn't an Avenger, there still should have been some part of him telling the rest that it was counter-productive, if nothing else, to treat support staff that way. That just gets you sullen, badly done work from them.

(I didn't explain it so well in my comments, as lilsmartass seems to get what I mean without having to go into too much detail, but for the sake of completeness I will attempt to explain my reasoning.

Steve is more at fault, despite Clint being word-for-word nastier, for two reasons.

The first is this: He agreed to lead them. There is a reason only the team captain is allowed to speak with referees. Part of *being* captain is keeping your cool and controlling escalating situations. My headcanon is that the HC would have fought, both with each other and with other soldiers. Steve's job was to stop it when he could, smooth it over when he couldn't, and administer dicipline either way. That's part of why most people don't consider their boss a co-worker. They're the *boss*. And when someone needs to be the bad guy, it's going to be them.

He was expected to be on top of this situation, especially since it was so volatile. He dropped the ball. Long before Clint hit Tony, Steve should have either had a conversation with Clint about his unhealthily violent reactions or talked to Tony about leaving Clint alone. As well, people take their cues from the person in charge. Steve not *telling* Clint or Natasha to back off, especially the few times it made him uncomfortable, meant they didn't know they were in the danger zone. They thought they were in the green. It's especially important with the two of them, who were raised to obey orders on an instinctive level, not an intellectual one.

The second reason ties into the first one, but is a bit tangental to be included with it. It's a very human response, and it ticks me off when anyone does it. Steve *knew* he was out of his depth culturally and was vaugly aware he wasn't in the best headspace to be a leader like they needed, but he made no attempt to either step down or fix the situation. 

Stepping down would have been bad, because there was no one else suited for the job, but he should have realized he needed help. There is no shame in relying on teammates (something sports taught me that helped undo the damage done to trust by being the 'smart kid') or in admitting they may be better at a certain thing than you. Even if he didn't want to put that on Clint or Natasha, he should have mentioned to Fury that he needed help acclimatizing. Talking to a specialist, or even just another *person* could have helped him so much to get a perspective on Tony's behaviour. He failed his team by not addressing his own shortcomings.)


	8. Fanfic: Requisition of Resources Part II

The director was silent for a moment after Steve came in. He looked Steve over carefully, his hands steepled before him, before sighing heavily. For one moment it was as if all the responsibilities of being SHIELD's director had just hit him. "Captain."

"Sir."

"Tell me, soldier, do you know how many troops we have on deployment at this moment? How many areas we're active in?"

"Uhh..."

"Almost none. We have agents gathering intel and keeping tabs on things, but alien invaders and the occasional crazy meta-human are *all* we have to worry about right now. Do you know why?"

"Sir?"

"Because Stark has kept everyone in the world as safe as possible for over a year now. He's poured hours of his time and unimaginable sums of money into the project, and it's gone well. When you presented your concerns, I agreed to downgrade him back to a consultant since it was your team, and you were already sticking your neck out for one of them. I figured that living in close proximity to him would help you see that, since I couldn't handle the fight on Stark's worthiness from both you and my superiors." He was silent for a moment, and Steve could almost feel the temperature dropping. "I don't like being wrong, Captain."

"We thought he just *was* a consultant." Steve defended timidly, knowing he'd been in the wrong. "We thought... Well, we thought he knew, and he was..." He trailed off at the look on Fury's face.

"I'm aware of what you thought, Captain. Same as I'm aware of how you treated him. Your actions and those of your team are the same ones that get fed up servers spitting on food. Even if you didn't like him, there was no reason to dismiss or ignore him as you did. For one, he *is* the Avenger's tech support. If nothing else you should have discussed the teams needs with him in a professional manner. You don't need a car? Fine. What *do* you need? How will you get to situations? Would a helicopter be better? A quinjet? Should everyone get jetboots? Requisitioning the tools needed by your team to be effective is your *job*, Captain. The only one of you with *any* skills that a well-trained team couldn't dupicate is Stark."

Steve was blushing again, but the Director wasn't done yet. "Stark is arrogant and can be rude and doesn't know how to play with others, but he's also brilliant and determined and *effective*. And that last one, Captain, is all I care about."


	9. Fanfic: World Domination

This came out of a discussion that boiled down to both of us agreeing that we'd totally vote team Pepper and Coulson in the next global election... Which actually started with the comment that Natasha is the boss-of-everyone-but-Pepper. I've lost the original thread again, but I think had to do with the team going for pedicures as womanly bonding after these two parts and Rhodey attempting homicide with a nail file.

Anyway! In a world ruled by Pepper and Coulson.  
~  
"Pleeeeeease, Pep?"  
"No, Tony."  
"But I'm your *favourite* genius! Agent's, too!"  
"That still doesn't mean the Avengers all need rocket powered roller skates."  
"But Pep..."  
*Thud*  
"Thank you, Phil. He was being unreasonable."  
"Thank *you* for distracting him. My taser was itchy after putting up with diplomats for an hour. Now, about that situation developing in England..."


	10. Fanfic: Proper Usage of Resources

The first line is a direct quote from chapter 2 of PWGI.  
~  
Stark complains the whole time, through a blindingly white, paparazzi ready smile, that this is a waste of his time and effort, and that they should be above this. Finally Steve snaps and turns to him.

"What do *you* think we should be doing, then? Sleeping around? Getting drunk? Playing politics? We're actually doing some good here, Stark! If you're so caught up missing your rich-boy games, maybe you should go back to them. Write a check, maybe that'll make up for not actually caring."

Stark's face looks like he's been struck, but Steve sees him opening his mouth and braces for the next volley.

They're cut off by a laugh from one of the other rubble-clearers in the area. "If by 'rich boy games' you actually mean revolutionizing technology and getting power back to the city, I agree. Mr. Stark's too valuable to be out here."

Steve hated that thought, that Stark was more important than anyone else. "We are all equal before God." He insisted, causing the kid to just smile wider.

"Of course we are, but we're not dead yet. We're still alive, on earth, and that means we're only as important as our skills makes us." Steve opened his mouth to retort, but the kid didn't even pause. "Take me, for example. Right now I'm only as important as the rubble I'm moving. My workplace got trashed, and so did my apartment. I can't access my bank, and my degree from NYU is moot. There is simply nothing I can do that would help more than I'm doing. And if I pick up something sharp without noticing, I'll go get it patched up and someone else will take my place. Having me here or not here makes no real difference in the long run.

"If Mr. Stark wasn't here, though, he could be reverse-engineering the alien weapons. He could be restoring power to important buildings. He could be planning or building weapons..." Stark made a slashing motion across his neck, which the young man briefly aknowldged before continuing, "Building defences against aliens invading. He could be figuring out how the portal worked and make a sensor to detect it. Or he could even work on the next generation of Starkphone, keeping countless numbers of people emplyed and encouraging cash flow. That leads to more taxes, which means more money for the government to put into rebuilding.

"If Mr. Stark wrote a cheque and left, the mayor could used that cheque to fly in, house, and pay more medical proffessionals. He could do the same for rescue workers. He could hire and house *skads* of unskilled labourers. And do you know what those laborours would do? They would pick up that same beam Mr. Stark just moved and move it. Only there would be a thousand of them. And one man, like me, might not make a difference, but a thousand? That would make a very big difference."

Steve reached for the only argument he could make, though it was sour in his mouth. "Stark's a symbol."

"Hmm, yes." The man answered, going back to his rubble-clearing. "That's because people are stupid and don't get that engineering is *work*. They think rich people don't do anything. If that was true, though, how would they *get* rich in the first place?"  
~  
Then, in a later comment, I said:Oh, I know it doesn't fit. I just think it needs to be said. Junior engineers can bill project hours in the hundreds of dollars range, so I don't even want to *guess* what Tony's time is worth. And it's also Steve and Clint doing their 'useless little rich boy' routine while they still have time to pal around like that because /they are the ones that don't have a freaking day job!/ That's what fanfic's about though, no? New perspectives and divergent canons.

And, as part of a different thread: My headcanon is that Tony has no idea what he bills out at except 'high', but there are days when Pepper is counting seconds in how much chocolate and vodka they will buy her. Down to the penny.


	11. Fanfic: Seducing Natasha, Part II

This one I'll admit I don't like very much. I was planning a much more streamlined fic that was about how disrespectful it was to Natasha to not even take her opinions into consideration, especially since *she* was the one flirting with Tony in IM and has also been the one to defend his playboy reputation on occasion. Then I got embroiled in a conversation with a Nice Guy who was trying really, *really* hard to get me beholden to him even though I explained (at length) that I *like* my independance and that doing things myself for myself is half the fun of doing anything, but he just /would not/ let it be. So I was in a pissy mood, and I'm afraid the fic suffered for it. It turned out much more rant-y than expected, and sort of attacks the very idea of the guys who just *are* good people and are looking out for a friend. I'm not usually enough of a feminist to make the arguments here, but I was just at the end of my rope that night. I'd promised it, though, and writing did help me calm down. Given that, I posted it even though I wasn't happy with it.  
~  
“Ask your robot where you expected her to meet you, dressed up for your pleasure Stark? I know what Natasha sometimes has to do in the line of duty but she’s not whore to be bought!”

"And she's not your fucking possession either, Barton! If both of us wanted to sleep together, /that would be none of your damn business/! She's a grown-ass woman, and she doesn't owe any of us *anything*!"

"And you're trying to change that with expensive gifts, hmm?" Rogers' hand on his arm was probably the only thing keeping Barton from punching him again.

Tony didn't care. Natasha was supposed to be *safe*, and it was these guys' fault she wasn't. "Where do you get off deciding Natasha can't have body armour?" He faintly heard Rogers say something, but ignored it to focus on Barton. "Just because you two have something together doesn't mean you can root through her stuff and intercept her mail! What, is being safe suddenly anathema? Are we going to charge into battle naked like the Celts now? Tumblr would love that." He gave a harsh laugh. "And where the fuck did you get the idea that I *seduce* people like that? Seriously? Even when I buy a girl a *drink*, it's part of a round on me. Yes, I sleep with lots of people. It's called 'fun'. I like it, they like it, everyone's happy. You should try it, maybe it'll get your panties out of their twist."

"It's indecent and amoral..." Rogers began hotly, but Tony was having none of it. 

"No! You know what's indecent and amoral? /Assuming you have any fucking right to tell *anyone* what they should be doing with their bodies!/ We are all adults and can make our own decisions. You might get a pass due to sleeping through the seventies, but *you*," He turned back to Barton, "Don't get a say in *anything* Natasha chooses to do with her body. She can get ink, get pierced, fuck everyone, fuck no one, dye her hair, chop off all her hair, shave her eyebrows, or even /get a fucking sex change/ without you needing to co-sign or consult! The same thing goes for *every* aspect of her life. So if I leave something out for Natasha? /It belongs to Natasha and you shouldn't fuck with it!/ It's not *yours*. What are you, five?"

"You're one to talk," Barton snarled, "Sulking and throwing tantrums like you do! Every time something doesn't go your way you run downstairs and pout!"

"It's called 'working'." Tony shot back, tone mockingly sweet. "It may be a hard concept to grasp, what with spending all day with the tv, but some of us have *jobs* to do. /Like making a new polymer for battle armour, you dipshit!/ That dress you're so pissed at is immune to anything I can throw at it, *including* the repulsors! But no, you had to turn into a caveman and make our teammate's safety into a *pissing match*, so now she's out there without anyone at her back and without anything covering it!"

Rogers looked uneasy now, and even Barton wasn't in quite the state he'd been a few seconds previous. "Oh." Rogers said, "It's just, with your reputation..."

Another cruel laugh tore itself from Tony's throat, though this was in no way funny. "Are you seriously trying *slut shame* me? *Me*? What I choose to do in my spare time and who I do it with is *entirely* up to me! And unless you're invited, you have *no* say in who shares my bed! And if it ends up being Natasha? /That is entirely between me and Natasha!/ I don't *care* what she does in her spare time or on missions, because /that has no bearing on me!/ I know I'm apparently the tower's fucking bad guy and you're bonding by hating me, but /slut shaming/? Seriously?" He threw up his hands and stormed off, giving up. He couldn't *make* them listen, after all.


	12. Seducing Natasha Part III

I'm perfectly okay with them defending Natasha, I just don't think they should have done it behind her back. It's not standing up for her I find insulting, it's the hiding what they were doing from her part of it. I know that didn't carry over very well, and that was my error.

This is an issue that was going to affect Tony and Natasha's interactions more than anything else. It's actually the same reason I'm mad with Natasha for returning Clint's arrows without him knowing. Now Tony and Clint have that between them, but Clint doesn't even know it's happened. How is Tony supposed to feel about that "make me cooler stuff" comment in the last chapter of IMY when, as far as he knows, he *did*? Clint's never going to mention them again, because /he never knew about it/! Same as Tony's never going to apologize to Steve for the shower incident. He doesn't realize he needs to.  
~  
(more discussion centered around why I wrote what I put in the chapter previous and why I hate 'defending' people by going behind their backs. They end up with the brunt of the blame, even though they have no knowledge of the situation. The cliffnotes version of some of my other bleeding emotions was a preface to the last chapter.)

(A comment by lilsmartass that boils down to: if she hadn't been on a mission, Clint would have mentioned the dress to her. He wasn't intending to keep it from her.)  
~  
Maybe, but to me the description of Clint's actions sounds like this: wait for Natasha>open box meant for Natasha>run off without staying to say bye/hiding box first, then going back to wait for Natasha and not mentioning it at all>go looking for someone to authorize your anger>punch Tony. Either way, there's a breakdown in the middle of the logic train there where he purposely chooses to keep that knowledge from Natasha. It's not like it just didn't come up.  
~  
lilsmartass: Had I written this from Clint's POV, the chain of events would have happened thusly: go to Natasha's to say goodbye, find and open box, hide it and quietly freak out but try to act like an adult because Natasha's not interested in Stark and she can take care of overamerous billionaires herself and may eat him if he tries to do it for her, say goodbye, freak out when she leaves that he's not there to watch out for her, channel that fear and anger into something productive (aka being annoyed about the dress), run off to enlist Steve's help.  
~  
Then there was discussion about Clint grabbing Steve because he didn't trust himself to behave and Steve's large enough to fight him off Tony if Clint's troubles showed themselves in violence, Steve coming because Clint might kill Tony and Steve didn't want that on his concious, and Tony fighting back at first entirely out of the knowledge that a single in-anger hit from a trained assassin could kill him, and he knew that would destroy Clint. Basically that all three of them have the exact same thoughts and reasons for the fight. They're all trying to help/protect Clint in their own ways. They're just all doing it wrong.


	13. Fanfic Bunny: Cupboard of Angsty Doom Part I

Some drive-by alternate scenario love here that I tacked on someone else's thread. If he wasn't coming right out to meet Rhodey, I'll imagine Clint might have gone to the workshop soon anyway. Steve would have followed. Insults would have been thrown, and I'm imagining Clint throws a punch anyway before Steve could stop him. But lo! Tony was working on Cap's watch again! Clint's fist bounces harmlessly (to Tony) off of an ethereal projection of Steve's shield, which he then uses to hide behind. Because Tony still believes in heroes like Captain America even when he is the one threatening Tony. Cue angst.

Just because the idea of them discovering the cupboard-o-stuff without having been torn a new one yet is intriguing.


	14. Fanfic Bunnies: Cupboard of Angsty Doom Part II

I had all sorts of ideas about that cupboard before [lilsmartass] finished IMY. The one I really liked and kept coming back too was that Rhodey took Tony out for breakfast, not being up to facing the other Avengers. They bring some of the toys along because Rhodey is a military man and an engineer himself, and I think he'd be fascinated with what Tony's been doing. Then downtown is attacked while they're there, and Steve and Clint only become aware of the battle when 'breaking news' interrupts their tv watching and they see Tony and Rhodey with weapons that are *obviously* meant for Steve and Clint fighting to protect the civilians. 

They pile into one of the cars Tony gave them and rush to the scene, damaging/destroying the car on the way. That's when I could no longer decide what would happen next.

A) after the battle they apologize for damaging the car and Tony just looks at them like they've grown second heads and says, "It got you *here*. That was kind of the whole point of it." Cue guilt, since it's a *team* gift, not a personal one.

B) They arrive after it's done and when a reporter is interviewing a mildly concussed Tony. They ask why the other Avengers didn't show, and Tony replies, "I'm not actually one of them. I *can't* call them in." On live TV.

C) They arrive sometime (unimportant if they're part of the fight or no) but Tony's been knocked unconcious. Rhodey, with Pepper to back him up, bars them and *any* SHIELD agent from visiting him in the hospital, and then they get a taste of what it's like to have someone you're worried about be injured and you not being able to get any information on them.  
~  
(from lilsmartass) Your option B here is EVERY SINGLE FLAVOUR OF ANGSTY AWESOME. I wish I had thought of that because it's soooooo fantastic and I want to cuddle it and love it.  
~  
I KNOW, RIGHT?!?!? Just imagine poor, concussed Tony clutching a transparent version of Cap's shield and telling the world he's not actually an Avenger with a lost look on his face. And then Steve and Clint have to weather the public's cry of 'how *could* you?' And Tony goes on air defending them. Always defending them. And Tony keeps disappearing right after every public performance because, "It's not like you really want me here anyway, right? It's cool, it's not *actually* illegal to dislike me, you know."

Too many readings of the tropes where Tony's injured before they admit they like him, I guess.


	15. Fanfic: Defending Your People

(An AU where Tony walked in for some reason while Clint and Steve are watching videos of him)

"How could you *say* something like that? And to a Senator?" He remembered his mother's words, but can't seem to get them out. He doesn't want to waste them on this man, for whom they will mean nothing.

An unsettling light comes into Stark's eyes at that question. "Call them assclowns? Easily." He whips out his phone and the screen immediately zooms in on the other man sitting before the committee, the one in the Air Force uniform. "Do you know who this is?"

"Lt. Colonel James Rhodes." Clint answers, his voice guarded.

"Do you know why he's there?"

"He's testifying." Steve wonders where this is going. Obviously the Colonel didn't want to be there, but he was doing his duty anyway. It's something Steve can respect.

"How effective is his testimony?" Stark's questions are sharp, a hint of annoyance threading them. Steve feels himself bristle. He may not be a genius, but neither of them are stupid. Whatever Stark thinks he's getting at, it's not as obvious as the man is implying.

Clint rises too the challenge, though. "Not particularly. He would be considered a hostile witness in any usual court. Why?"

"Exactly." Stark says, nodding. "Why? What do they gain by having Rhodey read his report? If anything he undercuts their attempts to misquote. So why him?"

Steve doesn't know, and so keeps quiet. Clint, on the other hand, pales slightly. Stark sees it and nods sharply. "Exactly. Rhodey's there because he's *mine*. They take someone who has served to the best of his abilities for over twenty years and dangle him like a carrot in front of me. They parade him out like that to show me that they can make him do anything, or even unmake him entirely. They put all of that on me, making it obvious that I can either play by their rules or that they'll go after the people around me."

His face has gone hard, and Steve can't breathe. It's almost like all the air's been sucked out of the room, as if not even atoms dare to move without Stark's permission. "But they forgot one thing: I'm Tony Stark. I don't roll over for bribes, threats, or ultimatums. And I'll cut that wire instead of lie down on it because /I don't stop until I find a better answer/! They made the first move, but they knew damn well not to touch that gauntlet I put down that day. Rhodey is *mine*, my friend, my *team*, and there is *nothing* I will not do to keep him safe and whole. But I'll do it on my terms, in a way both of us can live with, and I /will not bow/ to those that think they can force me into doing their bidding." He grins then, the mood lightening even though he still looks like a hungry shark and his eyes are still far too intense. "Really, when you come right down to it, a small insult like that is barely a blip on the screen. Just a little reminder that I *can* do things like that without being found in contempt. Trust me, they really didn't want to find out what else I could do. I'd have done that the hard way." His hand brushed over the light on his chest in what Steve would bet was an unconcious gesture of comfort. "I have a bit of a thing about personal liberty and the right of any human to say 'no'."


	16. Character Explanation: Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Explanation of how I see Steve Rogers and how/why he acted to wards Tony the way he did in Iron Man Yes and Paved With Good Intentions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fandom: Avengers
> 
> Rating: Gen
> 
> Disclaimer: Characters aren’t mine, the discussed fics are and the perceptions of the characters discussed here are totally a product of my own brain and no one else can be blamed for them.
> 
> Warning/Spoilers: rambling
> 
> Genre: meta, character discussion
> 
> A/N: There has been a lot of discussion about the various characters and their actions in this series, so I thought I'd produce a group of mini chapters here explaining how I saw these characters and how/why their actions happened the way they did. This is not intended as an attack on anybody, this is just my opinion and an explanation of how and why I built these characters a certain way. I will eventually do one for everyone, though some might be a little later on in the series so I don't spoiler myself. I have also made an effort not to talk about the characters NOT being discussed here, I'd appreciate if everyone who is kind enough to review would do the same (i.e. don't clog up the comments section here with points about Clint's behaviour, this is a thread for discussing Steve). I probably won't have time to reply to everyone, but I promise I will read every comment. I'm interested to see what you guys have to say about my explanation.

** On the Subject of Steve **

  
 

I am totally unashamed to admit that Steve Rogers is my favourite of the Avengers. There’s a number of reasons for that, they’re probably the same as why the unflappable Agent Coulson (second favourite!) is a total Cap Fanboy. I love the ideals he represents and I didn’t have enough of them growing up; I have a *thing* for heroes. Both in  the obvious way of any red blooded female who has never gone for bad boys and because I can’t count the number of times I wished a hero would show up and help me out. And for me, heroism has always been about the little things. Saving the world is awesome and such, but anyone strong enough, or big enough or with a BFG can do that. Heroism is a guy I sort-of-knew coming up to me and making a production of putting his arm around me and asking how I was and if I wanted to come to his house and play video games when he saw a group of girls pushing me around outside school, heroism is the kid who lived across the road from me in Germany pushing the toddler I looked after out of the way of a car when he ran away from me. Anyone disagree? I doubt it, we all have similar stories.

That guy, the guy who turned up like a genuine knight in shining armour when I was being picked on, he was a dick at least half of the time. And not in the fun, oh you’re so charming way Tony Stark manages, he was a genuine A-grade asshole, notorious for promising girls the world to get them into bed and breaking up with them the morning after. The kid that pushed the toddler out of the way of the car used to steal sweets from the corner shop sometimes.

My point is, that even heroes are human. They have vices and flaws just like the rest of us, that’s what makes them people.

My next point is how this fic got started. I love the protective!Avengers trope. I have a *thing* for a good group dynamic, and for characters that will do anything for one another, characters who will protect one another against all comers, regardless of consequence. The thing is, in real life, when a group like that closes ranks around a more vulnerable member, people get hurt. It’s well and good when it’s a bad guy in fic, but it’s too easy to perceive the best of intentions as attacks when circumstance has trained you to think that way.

So, on these two thoughts, I built my perception of Steve Rogers for this fic. He’s everything you expect Captain America to be. He’ll protect his friends to his dying breath with everything he has, he’s determined and certain, because for Steve Rogers there aren’t shades of grey, there is right and wrong, there is Peggy Carter and Bucky on the one hand, and the Nazi’s and Red Skull on the other, with no middle ground. And, though it has only been eluded to and not really explored yet, he is damaged and lonely. My Steve has nothing familiar around him. As far as he’s concerned, he crashed a plane, whilst promising Peggy a dance and blinked and woke up 70 years later. I’m doing my best to write it and deal with it, and I can’t even _comprehend_ the level of culture shock and bereavement he is going through. And on top of that, before he has time to even begin to acclimatise, he’s thrust into the middle of a new war.

They win. They eat shawarma. Yay.

And it’s here that Steve makes two mistakes, because, like everyone else, he is human. He is lonely and homesick and he wants one person, just one, who can understand that, and who can understand why, but when he looks to the most familiar man in the room, that man isn’t who he wants him to be. It’s not pettiness or spite that lashes out at Tony, it’s grief. But see, my Steve is special and he’s better than that, and he knows that that’s wrong, so he’d never act on those feelings, but then he makes his second mistake. He perceives Clint as needing his protection. Why shouldn’t he? Like I’ve said, he’s loyal and protective and he has literally nothing left, so he’s clinging to what he does have and he’s already angry with Tony for reasons he could never begin to understand. Not yet at this point in the story anyway.

As for Tony not being an Avenger…again, I’m going to deal with that in another character profile. Probably after part 3 is posted because the three main SHIELD agents get to speak and explain in that and I don’t want to repeat/spoiler myself. However, ignoring the whys/wherefores/rights/wrongs of that and how it is treated, it is, throughout IMY and PWGI the only information Steve has. That Tony _is not one of them_. Under normal circumstances, that would make him distant, perhaps at worst, but he’s still Ste Rogers, he’s still a good guy. But like I say, mistakes have already been made. Tony fails because he is not Howard, and Clint needs protecting and now, on top of that, Tony isn’t even one of *his* men. That’s not a good situation, for anyone as it turns out, and it allows events to spiral wildly out of control – hence the fic.

It’s all about context. If this was a fic about Steve, Clint and Natasha moving in with Hammer or random Agent Dickbag, Steve’s actions would be reasonable. If you take a step back for a second and assume that Steve is *right* and that Tony is the enemy, he does what we all love to watch the Avengers do, he protects his own. And he never steps outside of his ideals to do it. He never takes spiteful petty vengeance, he never uses his super strength in an inappropriate way. The thing is, that he’s wrong and we know that.

I’m going to deal with the Natasha thing now because I know a lot of people have mentioned that. Again, assuming Tony was the problem Steve (and Clint) both assume he is, Natasha is capable, more than capable, of defending herself. Of course she is. Neither of them are disputing that. Where Steve comes at this, is that she shouldn’t *have* to. That’s what having a team means. It means just because you can do it alone, you don’t have to. Also, I’m not saying that Clint was in the right to hit Tony (though I’ll come back to that in his character explanation), but I do fundamentally disagree that he has no right to question Tony’s intentions towards his girlfriend. Natasha has the ultimate right to decide what happens to her body, of course she does, but as her long term partner, I do believe that Clint has some right to question what Tony thinks he’s doing trying to seduce an already attached woman. And Steve shares those feelings because I wrote him. If Natasha left Clint and went off with Tony…well, that would be awkward, and it would affect  the team, and Steve would care for that reason, but he wouldn’t support Clint in going to question (violently!) Tony about it either. This however, is a completely different situation.

Steve’s other big failure, not quite outside of Tony, but not entirely connected, is that he never asks for help from his senior officers. Again, this comes back to how I perceive the character. Steve has had very little time to adjust to the 21st century. This story begins pretty much straight after the events of the movie and I have always worked to the assumption that Steve has been out of the ice for between six and ten weeks before the Avengers begins. He’s still very much in the mindset of a WWII soldier, where he was the last line of defence. If he couldn’t do something, he had to figure it out pretty damn fast because there wasn’t anyone else to do it either. It simply never occurs to Steve that asking for help is an option. It’s about how different people see different things. He doesn’t realise he can say, “Director, I don’t know how to do this, can you assign someone else,” and neither Clint nor Natasha realise he’s struggling: Clint because he has his own issues, Natasha because she’s absent for much of this, and Steve is pretty good at looking confident in front of his men, you think the Howling Commandos would just follow him into danger if he looked uncertain about his plan?

My point, my very long rambling point, is that there is not and never has been a malicious bone on Steve’s body. He failed in these stories, failed dreadfully, and failed himself more than he failed anyone else, but what makes Steve Rogers a hero is that no matter what failures and losses and defeats he suffers he will pick himself up, dust himself off, and try harder next time. He’s not a bad guy, and it’s not a crime to make a mistake, not even if you hurt others by doing it.

 


	17. Fanfic: LARPing King Kong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unlike the majority of these, this one grew from something Cyberbutterfly said, not something lilsmartass did. Also, it was written before I saw the exchange in Cuts and Bruises where lilsmartass discusses Hulk's reaction with someone else. It wasn't posted seperately yet, though, so that commenter still thought of it themselves.

"Hulk... Calm down, Hulk. Can I have Brucie-Bear back now? It's okay, the doombots are gone."

"METAL MAN HULK FRIEND! HULK PROTECT METAL MAN!!!!"

"You're doing a great job of that, Hulk. But the danger is gone. You can relax now."

"NOT-FRIENDS STILL DOWN THERE! NOT-FRIENDS HURT METAL MAN! HULK PROTECT METAL MAN!"

"Hey Coulson? Just send the others to debrief. We'll catch up when Hulk's tired of recreating King Kong. It might be a while, though. And, for the love of coffee, don't let Steve try to talk him down again. That was a *mess*!"


	18. Superhero Alternatives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because Tony said volcano. How was I to resist?

"Tony, why are we trying to buy the rights to Yellowstone?"

"Because it's a *super*-volcano, Pep! After all, should I ever decide to go evil I don't want to have to make do with a substandard or obscure volcano! Besides, it's close enough that I can get there in less than a half hour with the armour, so I can make it to board meetings when you glare at me and not smell like fish. I don't think they'd like it if I smelt like fish at a board meeting."

"... I'm probably going to regret asking, but why would you smell like fish?"

"The next closest non sub-par volcano is undersea. Plus with Yellowstone I wouldn't have to give all my minions scuba gear. I've been to the SI mailroom. Minions are not to be trusted with something as complex as their own safety."


	19. Fanfic: Ice Cream, the Universal Band-Aid

“So,” Clint says in a conspiratorial whisper, leaning slightly closer to Stark and trying, again, to draw him in, "They look like they don't mind the heat at all. That's just unfair. What do you say we ditch them and go grab ice cream? There's got to be a place around here somewhere."

"Just up here," Stark says, gesturing down the street on the left. "Two blocks, then turn North. It's a half block down. Their banana rum flavour is to die for." He's hesitant, but there's a slight hint of softening in his walls. Clint is struck again by just *how much* Stark wants this to work, that he's still trying after being shot down so hard for so long.

He wrinkles his nose in mock horror, though he tosses Stark a wink to let him know Clint's not serious. "Banana rum? Are you sure you're Stark and not one of Fury's LMDs? That sounds like a pirate flavour to me."

There's a jerk in Natasha's shoulders that Clint knows means she's laughing inside, but Tony doesn't seem to understand. He shoots her a worried look, shutting down just slightly again. Clint nudges him, a little harder than strictly necessary, but it knocks him out of his head again. "So what do you say? Play hookey and go grab a treat?"

Stark is silent for a moment before offering Clint another hesitant grin. "Natasha's taken to wearing her knife-shoes around in the common areas. We should probably invite her just so we don't end up pinned to the wall like a pair of bugs. And it'd be cruel to let Cap walk back on his own. He'd get mugged by the papparazzi and Americans everywhere would work themselves into a tizzy trying to buy old war bonds. It's probably our duty as heroes to take them with us."

He's obviously regretting the mild jab at Steve, but Clint doesn't give Stark time to withdraw again. "Alright, you nosy Nellies," He tells his friends, voice raising so they all knew who he was talking to. "Change of plans. We're going for ice cream. And Stark is paying, because he's the only one who doesn't work for a government wage. I don't care *how* awesome he says the ice cream is, it's not worth filling out the expense reports. In triplicate." He heaves an exaggerated sigh at that, and Stark seems to surprise himself by laughing.

Clint can't help the feeling of accomplishment that comes when they turn, following Tony's lead like the team everyone thinks they are. Things aren't fixed, not by a long shot, but this was something Stark's offered since that first time with the shawarma (except he hasn't, not really, but Clint doesn't want to look to closely at when he stopped) and it feels good to finally accept it, accept *him*. Like a piece they didn't know they were missing sliding home.

Nothing's fixed, not yet, but ice cream on a warm day with laughter... They'll get there.


	20. Fanfic: 5 Times This Could All Have Been Avoided if Tony Had Run His Mouth Differently (By BlueU)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These, as mentioned above, were written by BlueU (who also goes by Blue). The original concept was going to be ten, but actually reaching that number was questionable. Instead, I said that we could pick a different magic number, and whenever it was reached post another chapter with the same name. Here are the first five.

Paved: Prologue

"Oh yeah, the suit can survive anything! And the shock absorption on the inner layer is phenomenal - my tech of course - so I come through pretty good too. I mean, did you see the footage where Hulk slammed us into the side of the building? Didn't even break my ribs... Um, not that I'm complaining about the catch, mind you. Because, you know, I like not being soup. But the guy isn't much for gentle handling."  
*  
*~*  
*  
Iron Man Yes, Chap 1:

“Not all of us need to be compensated for what we do, Stark,” Natasha snarked. 

That takes him aback slightly. "Well, yeah, but part of not needing to be compensated for what we do is not *needing* to be compensated for what we do. I mean, if I had a dollar for every life we saved last week... Oh wait! I do! And I think it's only right that you do too. Now come let me show you your floors. I think they should cover everyone in the tri-state area."  
*  
*~*  
*  


Paved, Chap 1: (A bit more speculative this time.)

When they get back to the barracks, they are weary and heartsick. Stark is still complaining, apparently unconcerned with keeping a conversation that no one is even pretending to listen to running by himself.

"And can I tell you how weird it is to be doing the PR shtick next to the Star Spangled Man himself? You know, Dad had me watch your propaganda films to learn to project earnest conviction." His whole demeanor shifts. "'Every Stark weapon you buy is a better bullet in the barrel of your best guy's gun.'"

Steve isn't quite sure what he is seeing, but Clint flinches back. "That is excessively creepy, Stark."

"I know, right? I usually try to add in the right amount of 'Don't worry, dear, I'm a genius. Of course I know what I'm doing.'" And - for a moment - Howard is standing right there. "But -" Stark pulls out a clear glass rectangle from somewhere and points it at a blank wall. "Hey Jarvis? That footage of me and Cap in tandem? Project."

Suddenly, Steve is seeing a film of him and Stark from that afternoon. They are ten feet apart and talking to different people, but moving exactly the same way. Steve can only stare. 

"See? Muscle memory. The more frustrated I get, the more I default to it. If Fury keeps making us deal with the press while digging through rubble, someone is going to decide I'm your long-lost grandson or something."  
*  
*~*  
*  
Iron Man Yes, Chap 2:

“Good thinking Iron Man,” says Rogers.

Tony manfully doesn’t snigger at the world’s stupidest sentence. He follows as Steve walks off toward the crowd. "Tony, Cap, Tony. We're living together. I think we can do first names."

Cap glances back at him, and nearly misses a step, but recovers. "Tony. Okay. And it's Steve."

"Great, Steve. Hey, you want pizza after?"  
*  
*~*  
*  
Ironman Yes, Chap 3:

Tony puts the quiver down on the table, “Presents Barton,” he announces.

The archer narrows his eyes warily, “What are they?”

Tony rolls his eyes, “I thought an archer of your caliber would recognize arrows.”

“OK. Why?”

He doesn’t really understand and blinks, looking at Natasha uncertainly. Natasha’s face offers no cues though. "Because I've seen the ones SHIELD gives you and they're crap? Seriously, the blast radius is pathetic. If you're going to be covering my ass, I want you covering my ass with the best there is, which happens to be my tech. Well, once we work out the kinks they will be anyway. So, want to see if they shoot straight and make a big enough boom?"


	21. Fanfic: 5 Times This Could All Have Been Avoided if Tony Had Run His Mouth Differently (By BlueU) Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More by BlueU.

Iron Man Yes Chap 3 / Paved Chap 4 (track a):

There is no debate as they head, as a unified group, to the Quinjet. Barton slides into the pilot’s seat, Natasha alongside him and in mere moments they’re in the sky. The ride is tense, and after a few minutes, Tony can't take the silence. 

"So want to take bets on how far Agent is going to kick Fury's ass for ruining his cards? You know he loved them. You should have seen him when I showed him Dad's Captain America collection when he was staying with me in Malabu. He was like a kid on Christ- like a kid in a candy store."

"Howard had a Captain America collection?" Cap asks like he can't decide if he should find that creepy or not. Well, it is creepy, but Tony doesn't want to get into that now (or ever) so...

"Yeah, I don't think he every gave up hope that he'd find you one day, and he wanted to be sure you'd have your stuff. And then things just.. accrued. It was pretty obvious he loved you. Like a brother," he adds a beat too late. Cap didn't seem to catch it, but he saw Natasha tense. He tried to cover. "All the commandoes thought of you as family. Growing up, you were like that uncle that all the grownups remember but you never got to meet. By the way, if you want any of the stuff, it's yours," he changes the subject to something slightly less uncomfortable. "I can take you to Malibu sometime and we can go through it, see what you want to keep?"

"I... thank you, but... I don't think... Not yet, I..."

Tony smiles. It's actually nice to know Cap finds the situation as awkward as he does. "I get it Uncle Steve, you're not ready yet. The offer's open, just let me know when you are. In the mean time, if you don't object, I can have Pepper dig out the trading cards for Agent? If you sign them... Well, let's just say this will take 'get well soon' cards to a whole nother level."

*  
*~*  
*

Iron Man Yes Chap 3 (Track b):

Maria Hill is tapping away on a tablet of her own. “The personal files,” she announces. “He was linked to Coulson’s medical status through the personal files of Coulson’s assets.”

Natasha hisses a breath, surprise or anger, Tony isn’t sure. “Stark?” she questions, voice as cold as a Russian winter.

“I was trying to figure out what set you and Barton off this morning so I don't do it again. Usually presents don't lead to death threats. Also, can we get back the matter at hand, after the oh-so-obvious attempted distraction? Fury. Coulson. Where is?"

*  
*~*  
*

Iron Man Yes Chap 3 (Track c. This makes, what, 4 for Chap 3? I hadn't realize it was so much of a turning point.)

“You were spying on us?” Natasha's obviously enraged.

"What the-? How is it spying on you to read files Coulson gave me weeks ago? I know you read mine. Hell, wrote mine when you were, what was it? Oh, yes. Spying! Now, him," he says, pointing to Fury. "Him, I was spying on..." 

It's only then that Tony notices the room's gone silent. Barton has a look on his face he can't read, Fury and Hill seem to be having a conversation with their eyes he can't follow, Cap is looking confused, and Natasha has gone still.

"Agent Coulson gave you our files?" she asks, very very precisely.

"Yeah, when the whole Loki thing started. Didn't everyone get everyone else's files? Also, speaking of Coulson... can we get back on topic here?"

*  
*~*  
*  
Iron Man yes, Chap. 4

“You’re not an Avenger Stark. You’re a consultant,” says Fury.

"I'm not a- Since freaking when!?"

"Since always Stark! You were specifically told we were only using you as a consultant."

"Yeah, last year, before there was any team. And your exact words were 'at this juncture'. You made it pretty clear that juncture had past *when you asked me to be an Avenger*!!"

"I did not-"

"Don't try to play word games with me, I've got a witness. Rogers! Fury's little show with the bloody cards. Did you understand at that time that he was asking us to be Avengers?"

The captain, who'd been staring at the train wreck of an exchange with ever widening eyes, blinked himself out of his trance, stammering "I- Yes, I did. But after, didn't he talk-? I thought-? Natasha?"

Natasha had her glare fixed on Fury at this point and didn't shift it as she answered "Fury spoke with Mr. Stark about retaining him as a consultant last year. Until this moment, I had been unaware that there had been any discussion of his status changing. Clearly, there has been a breakdown in communications regarding this issue that needs to be addressed."

"I-" The expression on Captain Rogers face was caught half way between horror and betrayal, but seemed to settle on something approaching an apology as he turned to Tony. "I'm sorry Mr. Stark. It seems we haven't all been on the same page regarding your work with the Avengers. Please, take a seat. I'm sure we can work this out." 

*  
*~*  
*

Iron Man yes, Chap. 6

He digs in his pocket and unearths a stub of pencil which he sometimes uses to make a mark on a material he’s just measured and scrawls, “Ask JARVIS for details,” on the box. Then he thinks about the acid face cream and amends:

"WARNING: Ask JARVIS for details BEFORE use.   
Improper handling may cause unintentional injury or death.  
Proper handling may cause intentional injury or death."


	22. Fanfic: Sleeping Arrangements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since I pointed out to Blue and lilsmartass that *Tony's* best chance to change their minds might have actually occured earlier than they suggested.

“This why my charms didn’t work on you Natalie?” Tony teases. “You’re a lucky man Barton.” The atmosphere in the elevator turns icy as the other three glare at him. Tony throws up his hands, “Fine. Fine. We won’t talk about your secret romance. I'm just saying that if you're more comfortable staying on the same floor, go for it. Same goes for if everyone decides to turn Cap's room into a giant pillow fort and there are team sleepovers, the platonic kind, every night. If you can't sleep with an East facing window, move the bedroom. If you don't like heights, you can move down to a lower floor," He tilts his head to the side, considering logistics. "I'd have to beef up the security there, of course. JARVIS isn't as present on the lower floors. And ask me before moving into the top floor. That one's mine. It's got my landing pad. I'm sure we could work something out, though."

He takes in their startled expressions and heaves a heavy sigh. "Look, I'm trying to make this place your *home*. I can't do that if you're not comfortable here. I know it's probably nothing you're used to, but I did my best with what little I knew about you guys. So just *tell* me what you need. I don't need to know *why*, though I'll probably ask. Just ignore it if you don't want to say. Now, the question before us was if it would be a good use of resources to turn Clint's *entire* floor into a gym/range, or if that would make him have to sleep in the closet. I don't need an answer now, but all the floors come with fully stocked kitchens, so please remember to inform me or JARVIS if you're moving out before the milk goes bad. I can buy more, of course, but there are other people out there who can't and it's in bad taste to waste resources, especially this close to a disaster."


	23. Sleeping Arrangements: The discussion

lilsmartass: In a happier world (where I am not in charge and therefore everything is rainbows and kittens), they really did turn Steve's room into a pillow fort and lived there happily ever after. I wish I could draw because this is a phenomenal image.  
*  
cauldronofdoom: Isn't it? And they have Disney movie marathons every tuesday, dressed in their fuzziest pjs. Tony ordered those cute footed ones just for the occasion.  
*  
lilsmartass: With hoods like little kids fuzzy footie PJs. Damn it, what's the point in having a free-for-all meta for contributions if we don't have an artist to make these things reality/computer wallpaper.  
*  
cauldronofdoom: Oh! Oh! The animal ones, where the hoods all have puppy ears or frog eyes or whatever!

... And Tony's is a penguin, for some reason none of them can ever quite figure out, but it is somehow temendouly important.

I can't draw very well, or I'd give it a go. The image is just precious.  
*  
lilsmartass: And Natasha and Clint can be in matching 101 Dalmations ones with the ears. And I kind of see Cap in a tiger one, with a tail and everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone here draw? Because this image is just precious and both lilsmartass and I are in love with it. *Gives very best puppy dog eyes* Please?


	24. Fanfic: Security Measures

“JARVIS is fully active in those. Don’t have sex in TV room. I will have footage of it HD,” Tony grins.

Rogers looks disgusted, “Is sex all you think about?”

Tony shrugs, determined not to let their love of being wet blankets ruin the day. "I learned that lesson back at fifteen, when sex *was* where a good amount of my attention was. Hormones, you know? Anyway, I figured I'd do you guys the courtesy of letting you know where the cameras are ahead of time. Avoid any of that embarrassing stuff right from the get-go."

"Or you could just *not* have your pet skynet spy on us." Clint hissed, and Tony raised his eyebrows at the hostility coming off of the other man.

"I'm convinced that you and Natasha have both managed to make people dissapear from locked rooms. Afghanistan was not my first kidnapping, either. If you have the skills, other people will too. And they will come for us. Because of money, because of politics, because of attraction... There are a million reasons why we could all be in danger every moment of every day! And I am *not* losing my new teammates just because Loki managed to blow your cover on every mission you've ever been on. JARVIS is a safety precaution, and as such is non-negotiable. You will not manage to convince me SHIELD didn't have your quarters, and everyone elses quarters, bugged for the exact same reason. And *when* someone manages to get to one of uus? JARVIS will have the others there within seconds, minutes at the most. It won't do much good against assassination, but the difference in following a two minute trail and a ten hour one is phenomenal in the case of an abduction."

Steve looked shocked. Tony couldn't blame him. He'd grown up aware of the importance of personal safety, but he could understand why it was a shock to someone who hadn't. Clint looked like he was chewing on a lemon, but he was at least thinking. Natasha, at least, looked approving. She nodded at him once, then put her hand on Clint's elbow. It was obvious she was talking him down, though not a word was said. Tony didn't know why Clint was so up in arms over this. He could *guess*, now that he was thinking about it, but this was one minefeild he wasn't going to step in without a lot more observation.

He opened his mouth to invite them to lunch, not wanting to let the silence drag on, only to be silenced by Natasha's quick head shake. She gave him an apologetic glance before silently herding the other men upstairs, and Tony just watched them go.

Natasha understood, though. She would explain it to them. Maybe dinner instead of lunch? He could order pizza for everyone and teach them to use the gaming consoles or something.

Mulling over the possibilities, he turned back to his workshop. "Oh, and JARVIS?" He tossed out, an earlier comment coming back to his attention.

"Sir?"

"Don't listen to Clint. You're way cooler than Skynet."


	25. Fanfic: Misuse of Weapons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the last line of Blue's second set of fics, though the idea's been kicking around in my head since I first read IMY.
> 
> This might be expanded. There's a lot of potential.

"And you gave my girlfriend *these*..."

Tzoing! 

Steve stared in horror at the blade that was currently pinning Stark to the wall by the arm of his very expensive suit. Clint had fallen silent the moment the weapon had shot from the shoe he was weilding, and was now carefully lowering it to the floor as if it might sprout more weapons.

Knowing both Stark and Natasha, it probably would.

"Natasha likes pointy things. I just... I just wanted her to be safe." The billionaire's voice was surprisingly breathy, almost lost, and Steve almost couldn't bring himself to look at the man. God, he'd only been trying to *protect* her...

Almost. He managed to raise his eyes in time to see Stark pull the sleeve free with a harsh tug. He also saw the blood starting to run down the other man's hand, dripping slowly (so far) from his fingertips.

He was there in an instant, and Stark retreated almost as fast. He was against the wall, though, and had nowhere to go. "You're bleeding." Steve murmured, carefully putting pressure on the smaller man's bicep.

"Oh, and *now* you care." Stark spat, his voice venemous and face contorted with fury. Clint flinched in the corner of his vision, but Steve didn't have time for him right now. Despite his voice, there was terror in the other man's face, and his fingers were white with the pressure he was putting on his chest, right where the arc reactor was located. "What, does a little blood Ranma you into someone who gives a fuck? Just back the fuck away and go accuse someone else of random crazy things. Some of us have work to do."

Clint flinched again, looking like a lost puppy, but Steve didn't spare him any attention. He carefully used the cut already made (and that was quite an edge on that knife) to tear Stark's sleeve off, ignoring the indignant squak about how much it cost. The suit was ruined anyway, Stark just didn't want to show his injuries.

It would probably need stitches, but Steve didn't think permanent damage was *too* likely. He was just glad Clint was too angry to aim his jab properly, or the man would probably have been impaled. "We need to get you to a hospital." He muttered, already thinking of the logistics.

"'We'? What is this 'we' you speak of? You've made it perfectly clear you don't give a rats ass about me by now, Rogers. You don't have to pretend now that I've got a little scrape."

He continued binding the arm before hustling the still protesting man down to the garage. Clint was already there, a car started and idling right by the doors when Steve walked through.

First, get Stark to the hospital. After, they were all going to need to have words.


	26. Fanfic: Rabid Avengers (by BlueU)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this came from a discussion of how cabbages were the absolute party of the vegetable world, and therefor much more socially competent than Tony.
> 
> Previously, lilsmartass had compared Tony's coping methods to those of a retarded hamster, and I had responded that hamsters will at least bite when upset, so then people actually know how they're feeling.
> 
> So... yeah. Biting.
> 
> Also, this is by Blue, not me.

~  
“Is that why daddy didn't love you? Because he didn't want little boys?”

“At least that puts him a cut above your father Barton.”

"You shut your goddamn mouth, Stark!" In a moment Clint has Stark slammed against the wall, right arm pressed against his throat and left hand clamped over his mouth. 

Steve stands frozen at the words and the sudden rush. Even after the punch earlier, he hadn't expected Clint to lose control like this. _Natasha warned me,_ he thought. As he shakes himself loose to separate them, he sees Stark reach up and grab, not the arm across his throat as Steve expected, but Clint's hand and -

"Christ! You son of a bitch." Clint's dropped Stark and is clutching a bleeding hand. There's blood running down Stark's chin...  
*  
*~*  
*  
(AN): Of course, it's at that point that JARVIS releases the knock-out gas (without warning them first, as the situation was actively violent). Then he calls in Rhodey and Pepper, who JARVIS feels are the closest thing to "proper authorities" at the moment. JARVIS makes sure the guys stay out until the cavalry arrives. Rhodey takes the suit and gets there first, though Pepper is not far behind. JARVIS gives them the play back. Rhodey somehow succeeded in being more enraged than Pepper: he's military and has extremely dim views on trained soldiers assaulting a civilian. But he manages not to break Steve and Clint in half while they are unconscious and follows protocol, meaning he calls their CO. That would be Fury. This does not end well for Steve and Clint...

You know, this would be a good place for JARVIS angst...  
*  
*~*  
*  
JARVIS sends the sleeping gas into the room once more, detecting that one of the occupants is near to waking. That one being Captain Rogers. The super solder formula appeared to have given him some immunity to the sedative. He had nearly regained consciousness 3 times. Fortunately, this last dose should hold for the remaining 1.45 minutes until Colonel Rhodes arrives. Fortunate because he is close to exceeding the normal tolerance range for unaltered humans. Sir and Barton (he refuses to refer to the man as Master) are likely to remain sedated for-

Sir's bio-reading have changed. He is breathing too shallowly. His blood oxygen level are decreasing. JARVIS summons medical help, scanning Sir for foreign substances. There is the sedative - the dosage was within tolerance - and alcohol -  
-  
-  
He had not calculated for the alcohol - The dosage was within the tolerance range - He had not calculated for the effects of the alcohol - The dosage WAS in the tolerance range - He had not calculated - For unaltered humans - The dosage was within - Sir was altered. He was missing 19.4 percent of his former lung tissue - He had not calculated -

Colonel Rhodes was entering.

"JARVIS, what the-"

"You must transport Sir to a medical facility immediately. He needs oxygen and a stimulant. I will transmit details to your suit enroute. Leave NOW!"

Colonel Rhodes obeys. He always protects Sir's welfare. JARVIS - 

He had not calculated -

He had not calculated -


	27. Fanfic: Breakfast Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How the heck did I only just notice that AO3 _ate_ the first half? And now it's been a few days, and I need to try and remember how it went. Hopefully it's not too disjointed.
> 
> Also, sorry to everyone who read it the first time. I promise it did start before the ellipse normally!

Tony was acting odd during the trip, but Peggy doesn't comment on it. The scene in the kitchen is still a little too raw, and Tony will talk when he feels he can. Silences do that to him.

She's proven right before they even get their coffees.

"Don't be too hard on him." Tony blurts, embarrassed by how artless the words are.

She doesn't say anything, just raises an eyebrow in a clear gesture to continue. Tony curled in, his whole body asking for a hug even though she knows she won't give him one here. There are too many people looking for a weakness in him every day to risk it.

It almost makes her smile, though. If he ever did it around anyone else, he'd have trained the tell away years ago. It was another thing that was just between her and her Ducky, just like the bedtime stories when he was 'too old' at five.

"He's not a bad person, Auntie." Tony pleads, anxious on behalf of someone who hadn't given a care for him. "He really isn't. And he's just a lonely kid in a lot of ways."

"Even children have to face the consequences of their actions." She retorts, slightly sharper than she intended. Tony flinches slightly, but continues on.

"Of course they do, but... It's not like he's ignoring it, or denying it or anything. It was a mistake. That doesn't make it better, but... he knows. He knows what he did, and it's hurting him. Between him and Barton with the whole brainwashing thing the 'A' on the tower may as well stand for 'angst'. Soon we'll all be dressing in black, wearing eyeliner, and writing bad poetry." She did smile then, the image too funny to resist. Tony grinned back and reached out to grip her hand. "I'm not asking you to forgive if you think you can't or anything, but just... hear him out? Talk to him? You're pretty much the *only* thing he has right now. And it's hard when that person walks away, no matter how deserved it may be." His eyes grew distant, and Peggy *hated* Pepper in that moment, though she usually got along well with the younger woman.

"You deserve more than the pain she gave you." She snapped, unable to resist the bait.

Tony smiled again, though it was a weary thing far too old for his years. "And she, no offence, deserves more than to be like you." Peggy pursed her lips, feeling sour. "It takes a very special person to let a loved one leave every day, knowing there's a good chance they won't make it back. Pepper knew my priorities, and she wasn't satisfied with coming in third. And she shouldn't be. She deserves to come first, and I couldn't give her that."

He was silent for a moment, and even she couldn't guess what he was thinking about. "I remember Rhodey's first deployment. It was just after the funeral. You were in the UK, Stane was wrestling with the company, and I hadn't met Pepper yet. It's *hard*, being the one left behind. Just... Give him another chance? For all he's Captain America, he's also Steve Rogers. Just like I'm Tony, and you're Peggy."

"Will *you* give him another chance? Not just at being a co-worker, but all of it? You don't react like you did in the kitchen without reason."

Tony sighed. "I don't know. I don't know if I can. But I *do* know that I'll never forgive myself if I accidentally isolate him even further. He's already lonely, and I don't want to make it worse."

And what was there to say to that? For all he was usually quite close-mouthed about his feelings, Tony was being incredibly open about this. In the end, there was only one thing she *could* say. "I'll think about it."

He smiled, and the conversation turned instead to SI and his inventions. Peggy's mind kept drifting back, though, unable to focus too long on phone OS's and body armour.

Would she see the sweet kid she'd fallen for again if she looked hard enough? And did she even want to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Tony, you and your lack of social skills... For the record, just because it's *her* ex doesn't mean it's appropriate date talk. ;)


	28. Fanfic: Agent Angelface (by gottabekiddinme)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit from gottabekiddinme about her OFC Agent Danni Williams coming into this mess. You can find the works she belongs with at http://archiveofourown.org/series/29506 and they explain why she's so protective of Tony. Go check it out, both lilsmartass and I like them.

~

"Why didn't you *say* anything?"

"When have you ever given him reason to believe you would listen, Captain?" That's a new voice. A female - Tony turns to see Danni in the doorway, leaning heavily on a cane and glaring at Rogers and Barton. Tony frowns. 

"Danni - you were hurt?"

She flashes him a tight smile. "Just got out of medical." She looks back to the others. "I just had a rather...enlightening conversation with JARVIS."

"I don't know what Stark had his pet AI tell you -"

"Barton." There's a sharp edge to the authority in her voice."You don't know about JARVIS?"

"Of course I know -"

"You don't know he's *sentient*? And therefore perfectly capable of choosing to talk to me *himself*?" She turns to take a closer look at Tony. "Tones..." And then she turns back to the others, face hardening. "He can't trust you."

"Wh-"

"What have you done to him, Barton?"

"I didn't - *he* -"

"He what?" Rhodey snarls.

"He bought me a car!" 

Danni blinks. "So? He bought me a Maserati a year ago. He flew me to my sister's house on his private jet for my nephew's birthday, it's just what he does. If he likes you, he buys you stuff." She smiles. "If you're lucky, he makes you stuff. Last I heard generosity wasn't a crime."

"He hacked our files."

She rolls her eyes. "Didn't you read the copies Phil gave you Tony?" 

Barton squawks. "Gave him?"

"I misplaced them. It was easier to read SHIELD's copies." Tony shrugs. "I didn't want to step on any more land mines, presents don't usually lead to death threats."

"Death - Natasha?" She sighs.

"And that's how I found out Agent was alive."

That set Barton off again. "His *name* is *Phil*."

"I know" Tony snaps, "It's an inside joke."

"You have inside jokes with Phil?"

"Well duh, Phil and I were his babysitters." Danni shakes her head. "He calls me Angelface."

Rogers starts to say something, but Danni swings her cane up to point at him. "Not. A word out of you, Star Spangled Dumbass. You are not in charge right now." She sways slightly and quickly sets her cane back down. "You are *battlefield commander*, although believe me I have my reservations about that. Fact is, this is *Tony's home* and by rights *he* should be in charge here, but he has the social skills of a bent teaspoon and the self esteem of a rusty tin can, and Phil is in no position to be in charge right now, so that actually leaves *me*. And I am not pleased with you people." She swings the cane up again, this time to point at Barton. "You in particular have made my shit list, Barton."

"Ma'am, I -" 

"Shut up Captain." She sets the cane down again. "I *know*, all right? I *know* PTSD when I see it. But you never cut me any slack, Barton. If I was out of line *you told me so*. And *you* have been *way* out of line. The only reason you're still standing is because I don't want to rupture anything." She raises her voice just a little. "You *hit him*, Barton. Take one more wrong step and once the stitches are out I will start breaking digits."

"He did what?" Rhodey growls and takes a step forward. She shakes her head at him. 

"James, there are a couple of openings on my list of favourite people, don't jeopardize your chances of getting on it." She starts for the couch, gladly accepting Tony's help. "Now. Since it seems none of you could find your own ass with both hands, a map and a flashlight, we're going to have a nice long discussion on how to *use your words*. And then I'm going to have a chat with Director Fury, and," She makes a show of sniffing the air, "Yes, I'm getting a whiff of Agent Hill, too. You broke this." She glares at Rogers and Barton again. "Time to fix it."


	29. Fanfic: HULK ADVERTISE!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since the last line in chapter six (C&B) was such a hit and all...

"Is Hulk... posing?"

There was a loud clang as Iron Man facepalmed. "Sorry about that, Cap. I told Bruce it was free advertising. Since he's not allowed to beat you up, Hulk's trying to help in a different way."

The other four Avengers all stared at where Hulk was trying a T&A pose to show off the words emblazoned across his ass.

"... He's blowing kisses at the photographers." Clint said, his voice inflectionless. "Why don't we head back? If we keep watching, *I'm* going to turn green."  
~


	30. A Fake Friendship: Pepper and Natasha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title: Fake Friendship  
> UserName: Marie Nomad  
> Disclaimer: This is inspired by the First Impression Series by Lilsmartass. I don't own the characters and I wrote this story with lilsmartass' permission.  
> Rating: PG-13 (for one word)

**A Fake Friendship  
**

 

"Ms. Ramonov, Ms. Potts has requested to speak to you."

 

"Thank you, JARVIS." She could almost pick up the inner most rage the AI projected.  He had been acting like that for the past few weeks.  Even after the revelation, he still had a hard time being civil to her, Clint, and especially Steve.  A part of her was nervous about the idea of an AI with completely control over her surroundings with a grudge, but the numerous safeguards kept him from harming her.  That gave her some relief.

 

Pepper's image appeared on the monitor.  She was stiff, it was clear that she was doing everything she could to maintain a poker face.  Natasha couldn't help but think that in another life, she would have been a hell of a spy.  "Pepper, how are you?"  She smiled at the screen.

 

The businesswoman tilted her head.  "Interesting, you are so believable.  I can't believe how much you had fooled me, fooled everyone."

 

"What are you talking about?"

 

Pepper laughed.  "You see, when you first show up, you pretended to be a strong willed legal expert just so that Tony will be lured into your web and get caught.  When, you started to work for me, you pretended to not be interested in Tony at all, you said that he was a pig.  It was funny that you never mentioned the fact that he was dying."

 

"I couldn't afford to blow my cover at the time.  You know that."

 

"Yes, I believed you.  What about when you closed the portal with Tony stuck on the other side?"

 

"Aliens were invading the planet!  I was ordered to close it."

 

"And when Captain America and Hawkeye bully Tony because of your report?"

 

"I told them off when I came back from my mission."

 

"Did you tell them off because their behavior was hurting Tony or because you were insulted at the idea that men were trying to defend your honor?"

 

Natasha remained silent.

 

"I knew it.  You are a chameleon.  You change everything about you just so that people like you, so that you can use them for whatever you want.  You accept Tony's presents, take advantage of his hospitality, while you watch Tony get bullied time and time again."

 

"I thought he was going to hurt Clint.  Steve supported me."

 

"Steve is a dick.  He wanted to punish Tony for being the living representation of the 21st Century.  You... you don't care about him.  I trusted you to look out for him.  You could've spoken up about Tony.  Use your skills to understand him.  But you didn't.  You and that stupid report made Tony go through hell.  You just stand by and let Tony get hurt time and time again.  And I know why.  You are a sociopath.  You mimic feelings and emotions when you don't feel anything at all.  I know robots who are more human than you are."

 

Natasha shuddered slightly.  "I have feelings."

 

"Did you apologize to Tony for the report?  Did you tell Clint and Steve that Tony just loves to give gifts?  Or did you let them bully him so that he would have to make better toys and gifts for you and SHIELD so that he might think that he have a chance of having some real friends?  What you were going to do to him when he stop being useful?  Kill him like Obadiah tried to do?"

 

"No!  I like Tony!"

 

Pepper stared at her unfazed.  "I want to believe you but I can't afford to.  No, you can't fool me.  Not again.  Never again."

 

"It's the truth."

 

"You are a very manipulative liar, you can even make yourself believe in the fact that you have a heart.  But you don't.  I'm telling you this because, I want to make it clear that I won't trust you or your boy toy again.  I have JARVIS monitoring you two.  If you or Clint do anything to hurt Tony either physically or emotionally, I will destroy the both of you."

 

Natasha could sense the wrath coming off of her.  Pepper was serious.  Despite the fact that she and Tony are no longer a couple, she protects Tony like a bear.  "Pepper, please, I am your friend."

 

"No, you're not.  That friendship was a lie." The monitor went blank.

 

The End

 

 


	31. Fanfic: Pot, Meet Kettle (By Daashi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From Daashi's original post: Note that Natasha is a bit OOC, the second speaker isn't mentioned by name, so you can imagine it to be whoever you want it to be.

"I have JARVIS monitoring you two. If Agent Barton or yourself do anything to hurt Tony either physically or emotionally, I will destroy the both of you."

"I did nothing!" Natasha exclaimed hotly.

"If you mean that you did nothing when it became obvious that Captain Rogers and Agent Barton were mistreating Tony, then yes. I heartily agree, yes you did indeed do nothing."

"I stood up to Clint over the dress body armor." She tried to defend herself with.

"Did you, or did you simply attempt to restore your own pride over the fact that Agent Barton felt that he needed to protect you? Or perhaps even attempted to reclaim your dominance over Agent Barton since you lost it when Loki came to Earth?"

"My relationship with Clint isn't like that!" Natasha felt herself flush at the less than stellar appraisal of her actions.

"Isn't it? Strange how we are talking about your treatment of Tony and you have turned it into about Agent Barton and your relationship."

"No! You are taking everything I've said, everything I’ve done, and putting a nasty spin on it."

"Isn't that what you did when you were spying on Tony, taking in everything you saw and twisting to fit your own agenda? Strange how you don't like people spying on you, but will happily do it to others when it gets you what you want."

Natasha, realizing that nothing she could say could change this person's opinions of her, spun around and stormed out.

"Goodbye, Ms. Rushman"

Natasha couldn't help but flinch at the parting comment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did a little bit with the punctuation of this. There was actually no spelling errors other than the missing r in 'stellar', so you're all good on that point. If I've accidentally misinterpreted something and changed it with the punctuation, please let me know. Other than that, I hope everyone enjoys this as much as I did, and thanks to Daashi for writing it!


	32. Breakfast of Champions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is my review of C&B chapter 7, and the discussion caused by my odd choice in language.

(cauldronofdoom):  
I'm really glad Pepper refrained from tattling on the agents to Coulson, even though she probably should have. Obviously he was bothered, and worrying over what they've done won't help him rest. On the other hand, it would have been unprofessional, and not telling him means he's got a better chance to work out *exactly* what happened, and the *reasons* behind those choices, than those who learned everything from JARVIS. JARVIS's amazing, and he's sentient, but he's still primarily a creature of logic (like a Vulcan or something) so he just doesn't *get* why everyone acted the way they did. He doesn't even really understand why *Tony* did what he did, and he's closest with Tony.

Clint stewing in his guilt up in the vents was surprisingly sweet, and kind of made me want to cuddle him and coo reassurances. I don't know why when we don't get that feel so much from Cap, even though he's got the whole 'kicked puppy' thing going on and has actually attempted to address the situation with words to help it. Possibly because Clint feels so *lost*, while Cap at least has the anchor of 'this is what I did wrong, and I must make repairations'. He's still guilty and hurting, like Clint, but he's deep down a nicer (not better, or more good, necessarily, but nicer) person and so has a frame of reference for this. An outdated one, true, and not one particularly suited to someone as idiosycric as Tony Stark, but he at least has one. Without that voice in his ear, Clint's lost a good measure of his conscience. Especially with the whole tesseract thing, that's got to make him almost afraid to make his own calls on anything.

Hunh, that last paragraph kinda got away from me. What it boils down to is that Steve is aware of his mistakes, could (probably, given the time and resources) figure out exactly what the break down was in each situation, and identify similar situations in the future before the problems occured. Clint's just lost, and doesn't trust himself to make the right calls in *breakfast* right now. He's probably wearing his uniform half the time just so he doesn't manage to dress himself wrong (not that I think even your 'verse's Clint is *actually* that helpless at any usual time, but he's in a triple bad location at the moment, and all of his support is busy dealing with other problems)

(lilsmartass):  
I like you're description here that Clint is in such a bad place deciding what to have for breakfast is something he doesn't trust himself with. That's a weirdly perfect description. He's not, by any definition, helpless, but he's totally at sea, his support network have other things to get on with and his brain is still all over the place from Loki and now he's proved he's not even any good for what he's good for. So yeah.

Glad you liked this though, and Cap will make his reparations eventually and then they can be the super happy Avengers family we know and love.

(cauldronofdoom):  
Cap will, I never doubted that. Even in the darkest parts of IMY and PWGI, he's still Steve Rogers, and he will still own up to his actions and make repairations where he can. Doesn't mean I don't occasionally still want to smack him, like when he threw out that 'friends' gambit from left field or when he blatently ignored his attempts to keep Peggy out of their firght. He's doing his best, he's just occasionally getting it so *wrong*.

Clint will too. He's a good man, under all the troubles he's got right now. It's unfortunately very human to take out troubles on other people, and he's just one person. When he can find the words to offer an honest apology, something like "I'm very sorry for my behaviour in the last few weeks. I reacted with belligerence to gifts because that's how Loki described what was done to me, and I just couldn't handle a generous person right then. I know there's nothing I can do to make up for what I did, but I'm hoping you can find it in your heart to forgive me anyway." You know, something specific that details exactly what triggers Tony hit so both of them can feel they've learned and grown. Of course, it probably won't happen that easily, but I can hope. Tony did some shit stuff to Pepper and Rhodey while in his own bad place, and I think he'd get that.

Natasha's actually going to have it the worst, I think. Tony's insisting she doesn't have anything *to* apologize for. Which means she's not going to be allowed to. Even though he blames himself too, he can see that Steve and Clint crossed lines. Natasha's going to have to fight for aknowledgement that she did a wrong before she can attempt to put it behind them.

I imagine Clint's inner monologue at breakfast would be something like this: "Okay, what do I want... Cereal? Tony got this awesome brand... But what if he got it because he likes it? Should I even eat it? It could be *his*, the same way the grapes are Natasha's. Plus it's rather brusque to eat cereal. What if Tony shows up and thinks I'm avoiding him? Maybe eggs instead? Steve likes eggs too. I could make some for everyone? Do we have enough? If I try to call him up, will Tony even show up for breakfast? I'm probably not allowed in the workshop, and I don't want to disturb him... Maybe pancakes? They're easier to keep at temperature, so he could come up later for those..." He's simply over-guessing everything, since he's made so many mistakes and isn't entirely convinced his mind is his own anyways. It's sorta like trying to pick a bag of chips to get when hanging out in a group. There's always that one person who hates ketchup and the other who can't stomach salt and vinegar.

(in a later note by me explaining the chip thing) I was the troublemaker there, since I *won't* eat ketchup or BBQ chips, and they're my sister's favorites.


	33. Pot, Meet Kettle discussion post

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We were discussing this back and forth, the three of us (me, Daashi, and lilsmartass) and now we're looking for everyone else to weigh in. 
> 
> Natasha. Where does she fit in on the guilt chart? Rhodey and Pepper, who just didn't know? Bruce, who gave bad advice? Tony, who misinterpreted and is badly socialized? Fury, who deliberately misrepresented Tony's status? Steve and Clint, who repeatedly and maliciously took out their own problems on Tony, even though they never meant to and didn't realize they were doing so?
> 
> Also, should you disagree with any of those classifications (which are all mine) that's up for debate too. Really, we just want to hear what everyone else thinks.

(after a discussion of the Clint/Natasha dynamic, I chimed in with):  
I do agree that she was unfair to Tony. Being worried about Clint doesn't excuse that. On the other hand, it's also important that she *did* defend Tony every time it came up. She's not a telepath. She can't tell what Steve and Clint are thinking. In PWGI she offers up tales of Tony in a joking manner, trying to smooth things over with them. She's not responsible for them taking them out of context on their own. When she makes the comment about the threesome, she means it as something to get a laugh. To quote a comedian, "It's funny because it's true." She knows Tony wouldn't really *mean* it, but she's doesn't know that Steve didn't pick up on that she didn't think Tony would mean it.

Here, I'll pull a quote that sums it up:   
~  
“And a sex predator,” Barton grumbles under his breath.

Natasha’s fingers tighten sharply over his wrist, “And he’ll flirt with everything that moves and some things that don’t. He’d never force anyone...but I don’t think he gets that many rejections.”

Steve doesn’t like the discomfort that puts into his stomach. He doesn’t like the thought Stark trying to coerce Natasha into bed, coerce anyone into bed, with promises of the world and no honourable intentions.  
~  
Natasha flat out says, "he'd never force anyone," to contradict Clint's comment. She is not responsible for Steve assuming Tony's making promises. She knows that *everyone* knows that Tony's not one for commitment, so she doesn't think to comment on it.

That's not to say she *doesn't* cross lines, because she totally does. Runs right across them at full speed and doesn't look back, but there is a *reason* why she's getting off light so far.

I'm running out of room, so I'm going to start another comment to continue. Because I talk too much ;)

Part 2

In the movie, though, I totally agree. She's almost setting him up to fail, there. She *knows* he's doing everything possible to keep Rhodey and Pepper from knowing he was dying. Therefore cancelling his party and having his few friends over for a movie would be counterproductive. They'd get suspicious, they'd get the truth out of him, and instead of a good birthday there is a three-way breakdown and angst-fest in his living room. Then they would do their best to swaddle him, even though he's got heavy metal poisoning, not osteoporosis or something similar. Then his last few days would be full of fights, since he's too independant to let it go for long. He *knew* that. Natasha should have known that, too. It was badly done, giving that advice to someone who was never going to 'go quietly into that dark night.' If he was going to die, he was going to do it kicking and screaming and trying to *fix* everything. Because, as I've said before to lilsmartass, giving up for a scientist/engineer is, in a way, invalidating their entire existance and everything they stand for. Good engineers are problem solvers by nature.

On the other hand, his consistent decision not to trust the people he could trust would be a good reason to file a recommendation to keep him from a team...

Okay, I'm officially arguing with myself now. Anyone else want to weigh in?

(lilsmartass):  
There are many good, canonical reasons to not recommend Tony Stark for an elite team. Fangirl though I am, Tony kind of annoys me in his own movies, when there's no one restraining his more overt excesses. *hides from the Tony fangirls.*

That DOES NOT make him a bad person. In this series, I played this in a certain way. He's got more insecurities than he knows what to do with, he's used to having to scream his successes or have them ignored, he's under socialised with his peers because his genius meant he didn't have the school/college experiences we all had.

I agree that Natasha does come across like she's setting him up to fail in IM2. Though, I would ask what her actual orders were. In the Marvel short, Coulson chooses Tony to 'convince' General Ross to do something because they know Tony will piss him off enough to refuse - which is the outcome SHIELD actually wants. Natasha might be doing something subtly different than just evaluating him.

In this...yeah, Natasha makes mistakes. She's also not there during the worst of it and when she is there, she's (understandably) focussed on Clint and Coulson. In the example you gave, I actually intended her to be defending Tony.

“And a sex predator,” Barton grumbles under his breath.

Natasha’s fingers tighten sharply over his wrist, “And he’ll flirt with everything that moves and some things that don’t. He’d never force anyone...but I don’t think he gets that many rejections.”

Steve doesn’t like the discomfort that puts into his stomach. He doesn’t like the thought Stark trying to coerce Natasha into bed, coerce anyone into bed, with promises of the world and no honourable intentions.

It's not exactly a passionate vocal defence no, but that's just not Natasha. Also, she doesn't know Steve well enough to shoot Clint down in front of him. But she silences him, and immediately does damage control on what he's said. It's not Natasha's fault that Steve doesn't know her well enough to see that.

(cauldronofdoom):  
Actually, you pretty much just agreed with everything I was trying to say. There's a *huge* difference between saying 'you're not hero material' and saying 'you're not really cut out for teamwork'.

Natasha *did* defend him, she just didn't realize how much the other two were misinterpreting the defence. She also overreacted to defend Clint, making her one of the more mecurial and hard to get a read on characters here. However, it does say something that when Tony was hurting and convinced they'd never want his tech, Natasha was the one he reached out to.

(Daashi):  
Yes, Natasha did defend Tony, but only when Tony wasn't there. Whenever Tony was there she did join in, she excluded him and she was the one who started the returning of gifts (and lets not forget banning him from seeing Agent with her thoughts of; me spying on him = good, him spying on me = bad). So her defending him means nothing to Tony and therefore to myself, because he didn't know she was defending him.

Also shouldn't one of SHIELD's best "infiltrators" be more aware of the undercurrents of the emotions of others, because on one of those missions she was on wouldn't misjudging or not even registering suspicion/distrust could get her killed. Or do those emotions only register with her when they are directed at her, and shouldn't that be classed as just another form of apathy.

(cauldronofdoom):  
I'm going to preface this with one thing that should help explain some of my comments: I tend to jump without thinking to the defence of whomever is being talked down, be it Clint, Natasha, Steve, Justin Beiber, Taylor Swift, Steven Harper... So even when I agree, I tend to plead for understanding and rationalization. Things like the amount of hate Steve and Clint were getting in the original series makes me uncomfortable, even though I was quite angry at them all the same. So even though I agree that Natasha crossed lines often and without regret, there is no way I can not try to offer things from her point of view without feeling like I, myself, am bullying her.

She doesn't defend Tony to his face because in all the situations she's in where she interacts with Tony, her attention is on keeping Clint from falling apart and getting taken away. You're absolutely right that with her training she *should* have been able to see past Tony's bs, but she was distracted and Tony's gotten very, *very* good at projecting his shields throughout his life. She doesn't know about the video game thing, she doesn't know that Steve's messing up too, and she doesn't know that Tony doesn't know his status.

That doesn't excuse her, nothing does that, but she does have perfectly human responses to things that are out of her control. However, *human* responses are very rarely *good* responses. Human responses are the ones that will lead to said person passing on more genes to the next generation than the other. Group behaviour, including exclusion, is part of that.

As for apathy... I don't think we know enough about her situation in the MCU to see either way. From what I've seen in both 616 and EMH (granted, not all of either, but still) she deals with the sort of negative emotions you mentioned directed towards her all the time, from people she works with. She doesn't hang out with the other agents on the weekend or anything, so she could well be assuming the ease she shares with Clint (and Steve, to a lesser extent) is an anomaly. Tony isn't the only one here who's been badly socialized.

Plus she never did get a chance to break down after the Hulk incident like she clearly wanted too. And she was obviously feeling overwhelmed and insecure when talking to Clint in the movie. She's hiding her own pTSD and fighting off a personal breakdown, helping Clint do the same, mourning someone she *did* know fairly well, and providing support to another traumatized individual. She's overwhelmed, and that's going to make her a little self-centered. It's just a bad situation all around, really.

(lilsmartass, responding to Daashi, not me):  
This was a very deliberate characterisation point actually, which I'm going to explain here because there's a lot of people baying for Natasha's blood in Cuts and Bruises and I simply never saw her as being in the wrong. She is performing the same role for Clint and Steve that Pepper (and to some extent Bruce in parts 1 and 2) are performing for Tony (and let's not forget, they condemn his actions too because Tony handles situations badly).

Natasha never comes publicly to Tony's defense for a number of reasons. A lot of the really bad stuff just doesn't happen in front of her. She's a brilliant SHIELD agent, but she's not psychic. If no one tells her it happened she doesn't know. Fury and Steve's 'You're not an Avenger' bit is probably the point where Natasha fails the most obviously from my perspective. She looks sympathetic (i.e. has some idea that what they are doing is a bit Not Good), and she knows Hammer, and his tech, are trouble. But, here she believes that Tony ISN'T an Avenger, and that he has already been told this. She doesn't think they're kicking him off the team, she doesn't think he's being told anything new, she, in fact, thinks he's pitching a fit and looking to get his own way. Rightly or wrongly, that is where Natasha is at. Added to that, the situation is being dealt with by both of her direct superiors. And, in PWGI, Steve notes that Clint is...struggling during that meeting. Natasha simply has more important things to focus on - which is a problem in its own right but I personally don't blame her for putting her long term partner/best friend over someone she's worked with a couple of times.

Now, there are other things Natasha simply didn't handle well. She shouldn't have sent back Clint's arrows and she shouldn't have lost it and banned Tony from seeing Coulson, but those two things come on the heels of emotionally fraught periods where Natasha is worrying about various things and, by then, Tony has turtled up and is hiding in his lab. He's not AROUND to have casual conversations with. In BOTH of those instances, she also acknowledges to Steve that she is at fault and basically goes 'fix it.'

The other thing people tend to forget is, that Natasha is not around for the incident with the dress at all, and her first response on finding it is to put it on and IMMEDIATELY come and find Tony to thank him. She doesn't even know what the meeting they're having is for there, she asks if something's happened to Phil. And having realised how badly the others have f**ked up, she stops protecting them and instantly answers Pepper's questions explaining that this should never have happened, that this is not what her report, nor her feelings about Tony, should have led to.

Right sorry, that all seems kinda aggressive now and it really isn't meant to be. It's just that I really don't see Natasha as being in the wrong in the same way, she seems to be guilty by a) association and b) not being a Tony fangirl herself who refused to let anyone say a bad word about him. Especially at the beginning of this, she doesn't really *like* him and she's kind of indifferent to him because of that, but she's entitled to that opinion. I never really felt that Natasha sis anything wrong. OK, going to stop wittering now, feel free to discuss. :)

(cauldronofdoom):  
Oh, great! You made coherent sentences! And covered all the points I wanted to cover!

Basically, I agree with everything you say. Except for one thing. She, when she was in the wrong, didn't try to make up for it herself. She 'asked' Steve too. And she didn't check to make sure he knew what she was asking for. He thought she was delivering a report, and she thought she was asking for the assistance of her superior officer with a personnel concern. Those are both things she did wrong. So, despite what Tony's insisting, Natasha *is* in the wrong. Just a little.

I put them both in the same level of culpability, where they honestly misunderstood each other due to not knowing the extent of the other two's PTSD. Except with the arrows. The arrows she just handled very badly.

One thing no one's commented on yet? That all three were in the wrong on? Natasha comments that Tony is *trying*, and that he has no way to know that they don't/can't drink. And yet none of them ever clue Tony in on that, or offer an alternative. That is a deliberate snub, done by all of them. Several of the invites it's implied that they outright ignore, and that is also just plain rude on top of the snubbing.


	34. Fanfic: A Logical Conclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something that's been kicking around in my head for a bit. What if Tony had responded with logic instead of hurt anger when told he wasn't an Avenger?

“You’re not an Avenger Stark. You’re a consultant,” says Fury.

There is no sound in the room at all. Tony finally breaks the silence, his voice icy. “Say that again?”

“You’re a consultant.” Fury repeats, voice steady.

Tony nods once, his face a blank mask. “Uh huh. And you were going to tell me this when?”

“You were told this a year ago, when we spoke after the Expo.”

One eyebrow is raised pointedly. “Even if I accept the idea that Agent specifically and deliberately implied differently when he came to me without your permission, your little game with his trading cards means you _intended_ me to believe that I was on the roster. You don’t make mistakes like that.”

“Stark…” Fury growled warningly, but Tony spoke over him. His voice never rose, but it was still very clear in the quiet of the room.

“You didn’t mention anything when I was keeping the press off your heels. You deliberately let us continue to present ourselves as a group to the public. You never once mentioned that I really only needed to convince people I didn’t have to pay for one sixth of the damage. You ordered me to help move rubble, and you demanded I go to debriefs after. You _lied_ , Fury. Both to me and to the public.

“I’ve been doing you the courtesy of assuming you were being forthright when it came to the Avengers, even though I told the Captain that your secrets have secrets. I kept my nose out of your computers. I gave you the courtesy of _believing_ you, even though you have never given me a reason to do so.

“You knew this state of affairs couldn’t last. Did you think what the public would do when they realized you were lying? Right now Captain Rogers and I are the only reason the public is willing to let us operate. They don’t trust the rest of you, and for good reason! They’re going to go on a witch-hunt for meta-humans when they find out.”

His eyes slid over to the other three, who were still sitting quietly. Rogers’ eyes were huge, and both Barton and Romanov looked like they were barely breathing. “Tell me,” he questioned, tone lightly curious, “Was it because they were hackers that you insisted they move into my tower, or was it because they’re assassins?”

“You’re accusing _Captain America_ of being an info-terrorist and a murderer?” Fury asked, tone incredulous. Tony’s eyes never moved from the horrified blue belonging to someone he had once idolized.

“He’s adaptable, a quick learner, and _very intelligent_. Hacking will come easily. And he’s also a soldier only a few weeks out of a war. I’m sure you could convince him I’m a threat. Especially once you had the designs for the suit.”

He rocked back and forth on his heels for a moment, considering. No one was willing to break the silence. He nodded once, sharply, before continuing. “Barton was pushing buttons, wasn’t he? That’s why you’re irritated enough to throw the game.” He tipped an imaginary hat at the archer, who looked thunderstruck. “Congratulations, Barton. Your PTSD might have saved the world. There’s a reason I don’t trust the people who think it’s a good idea to _nuke Manhattan_ to have my tech, after all.”

He turned back to Fury. “The press conference will be in three hours. I’ll be gone for an hour. I’m invoking my rights under the Third Amendment. I expect them, and all their stuff, to be gone by the time I’m done. Don’t play with me, Fury. You’ve used up Agent’s free pass, and you’ve used up Romanov’s. Come after me or my stuff again, and I will _end you_.”

He nodded to the Avengers before leaving, his face a pleasant mask. “It’s been an experience working with you. See you next alien invasion.”

Then he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Third Amendment basically states that the government cannot quarter troops on private property without the consent of the owner. I am not ashamed at all to admit I only know this due to xkcd. (This comic, if anyone's interested http://xkcd.com/496/)


	35. Fanfic: Fanmail

Steve looked up as a pile of papers were dropped unceremoniously into his lap. Upon realizing it was Ms. Potts looming over him he flinched. She didn't seem to notice, and he wondered if that was a kindness or a pointed message. "Ms. Potts." He greeted her. "Good afternoon. May I help you with something?"

"The mail clerks aren't allowed into the residential floors. Since I was on my way up anyway, I brought these." She gestured at the papers in his lap, which he glanced at. The top one looked like a letter. It was written in crayon, half the 'e's were backwards, and there was a drawing of the six of them at the bottom. He couldn't help but smile.

"Isn't going through someone's mail a federal offence?" Clint asked, peering over from the nearest couch.

"These were addressed to 'The Avengers'. Since we all thought Tony was one at the time, he was able to give permission for them to go through the usual screening procedures. So far we've found three letter bombs, five full of anthrax, one directed at you that was rigged to scream 'murderer' when opened, and we automatically throw out any package containing underwear. Most people don't wash them before sending them." She smiled sweetly at Clint, who blanched. "These are just the ones that passed muster."

She picked up the letter Steve was still looking at, grinning at the childish scrawl and giddy words. "'Thank you very much for protecting us. When I grow up, I'm going to be an Avenger too! I'll fly through the air with Iron Man...' Oh dear." He could tell that the way Ms. Potts' face fell was artful, but that didn't stop her words from punching him in the gut. "It seems Miss Janey was under a similar impression of Tony's status. I wonder what caused that?" She put her finger to her cheek in an over-the-top impression of thinking. Instead of looking ridiculous, though, it just underscored her scorn. "Perhaps it was how Tony showed up to *every* public Avengers-related event? Or maybe how *he* spoke to the press and reassured the public while you three hid in SHIELD? Could it have been when he was able to get power restored to much of the damaged area and extolled to the press how 'The Avengers don't just look after you when the chips are down, we're here for you always'? Maybe it was just that any time *any* of you said 'we' in public, Tony was included?"

She handed the paper back to Steve, her too-cheerful smile not quite covering all the venom hiding in her face and voice. "It's so good we got this all sorted out. Why, just two weeks ago you'd have had to explain to all the six-year-olds why being just like Tony wouldn't have helped them get on the team. You'd have emphasized to all the poor, disheartened smart children that all they have to look forward to in life is being overlooked for the jocks over and over and over. And just *think* how many children would have come away with the impression that the correct thing to be famous for is how many people you've punched in the face?"

She turned to go, waving cheerily over her shoulder at them as she left. "Yup, a real good thing that got sorted."

Steve and Clint met each others' eyes over the stack of papers. "I think I might be sick." Clint whispered.

Steve could only nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I'm aware that so far I've been picking on Steve. It's not really intentional, it's just that I haven't come up with any really good ones for Clint yet.


	36. Fanfic: Second Stringers Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole thing is only three lines long because pretty much all of the background was discussion. I'll be posting that as its own chapter momentarily, but these two are going to be a little awkward just because the actual comment fic is so little.

~  
"I hope you know your only job security is the fact that if I fired you I'd be stuck with some kid from Queens and Wolverine."  
*  
"Not Cyclops, sir?"

"If we get to the point where I have to try and recruit Scott Summers, the world is doomed anyway. We may as well just go get marshmallows so we can do *something* while it burns."

~


	37. Second Stringers Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't be including all of the review and comments, because they don't all apply here. Things might be a little bit disjointed, but I'll try not to either bore you or confuse you.

(On a review on chapter 8 of Cuts and Bruises)  
(cauldronofdoom)  
>.> Clint, sweetums, is exactly what world is firing an EMP blast at you battery-powered teammate considered a good idea? And why didn't anyone think to, oh, let their demolition expert look at it first?!? And if the building came down, they probably didn't manage to stop the bomb anyway.

I think Clint's getting an 'F' on this report. He might even get extra homework. Fury will NOT be happy.

(zeugmaqueen, whom I forgot to ask and hope doesn't mind being included. Sorry!)  
I am also hoping for a Fury scene, where he realizes how messed up the Avengers as a team really are and that he had a part to play in their lack of cohesion. Also, having Clint in the field, when he is barely functioning in his normal life with PTSD is a very bad idea. Police officers, soldiers and units get benched for a reason! Their judgment is impaired and their responses are not always logical/calm/reasonable for the situation. They may think so in the moment, but then in hindsight...

(cauldronofdoom)  
Fury's probably going to bang his head off a wall for a while when he realizes just how badly everything's gotten messed up. If he had *any* other option, I think he'd just scrap the whole thing and start again from scratch.

(lilsmartass)  
And then Fury sacked them all and hired the X-men and Spiderman. Yeah...he's better sticking with the devil you know at this point.

(cauldronofdoom)  
"I hope you know your only job security is the fact that if I fired you I'd be stuck with some kid from Queens and Wolverine."

(lilsmartass)  
God. How to make it clear that they're the best of a bunch of bad options. I don't see that doing anyone's self esteem wonders.

(cauldronofdoom)  
No, but depending on the phrasing and timing it could be the push they need to all decide that they're going to *show* Fury and be the best d*** team ever!

(gottabekiddinme asked me to put this up in Misconceptions, and requested Cyclops because she doesn't like him.)

(cauldronofdoom)  
~  
"Not Cyclops, sir?"

"If we get to the point where I have to try and recruit Scott Summers, the world is doomed anyway. We may as well just go get marshmallows so we can do *something* while it burns."  
~

(gottabekiddinme)  
Don't forget the chocolate bars and graham crackers.

(cauldronofdoom)  
*Nods* Essential end-of-the-world survival tools, those.


	38. Fanfic: Debriefing (by Cyberbutterfly)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because apparently my lines are inspiring. Anyway, it's written in play format, similar to the earlier Team Science chapter (a good choice when only the dialogue is important). However, it's been a long time since I've read an actual play, so if I've misformatted during the edits, I apologize and would appreciate someone telling me how to to it right.

(“Hehehehehe... I can just see [Fury]” standing at the head of the table, staring down at all of the Avengers with his one eye while the 'greatest hits' moments from the training exercise plays on multiple monitors in the background…)  
~  
Fury: (looking at the Avengers, minus Tony- who is out repairing his suit) "So, who wants to explain to me how I got stuck with the one group where *no one* but the one running on an Energizer Battery ever got the 'magnetics and electronics don't mix' memo?"

Clint: (looks down and swallows) "I thought... That is... "

Rogers: (squaring his shoulders and jumping in) "Sir, we didn't consider a non-lethal explosion to be dangerous. We've all heard him brag. He said the suit was indestructible."

Fury: (raises eyebrow) "Congratulations- you've got ears; too bad they forgot to include *brains* to go in the space between. The *suit* damn near *is* unbreakable. Stark just finished pulling it from the rubble, and minus a few paint scratches all it needs is a little WD. Hell- it survived an alien invasion, a flight through space, a nuclear blast..." (Fury rests both hands on the table, leaning in menacingly) "Course- I'm pretty sure the reports were correct when stating that *Stark* damn near died for it. And wouldn't you know- it was the *reactor* that went twitchy on him *then* to, wasn't it? Am I wrong, Agent Barton?"

Barton: (tries to burrow into his chair) "No, Sir."

Fury: "So, considering the fact that the last time he came face to face with an EMP wave he ended up dropping like a sack of potatoes and needed the Hulk to jump start him, why the HELL did you think this time would be any different?"

Barton: (looks around to see the others fidgeting nervously) "That didn't occur to us at the time, sir."

Fury: "You don't say."

Natasha: (sighs) "It won't happen again."

Fury: "No it won't... I want you all to know that currently, your only job security is the fact that if I fired you I'd be stuck with some kid from Queens and Wolverine."

Barton: (frowns) "Not Cyclops, sir?"

Fury: (stares at Barton for a moment before answering) "If we get to the point where I have to try and recruit Scott Summers, the world is doomed anyway. We may as well just go get marshmallows so we can do *something* while it burns."

Fury: (straightens) "Now, get out of here... The last thing I need is any further collateral damage when one of you suddenly decides that slapping fridge magnets on my ship’s operational controls would be a great idea."


	39. Deadpool Tactics Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some background on why suddenly!Deadpool. Next chapter will have the actual story bit.

(gottabekiddinme)  
....I have got to stop reading the comments in public. The giggling gets me weird looks. And Clint would totally do the magnets thing - or Deadpool. *Probably* Deadpool, actually.

(lilsmartass)  
I actually kind of think Tony would do this as a fuck you to everyone. 'Oh, I didn't think you'd notice since you apparently don't TEACH ANYONE ABOUT KEEPING MAGNETS AWAY FROM ELECTRICS.'

(Cyberbutterfly)  
LOL... So- you going to have him stick a 'Start Enterpise' magnet on Fury's computer next chapter, then? :)

(lilsmartass)  
Heh. Sadly no. This one's all your idea. I kind of like it though.

(gottabekiddinme)  
Lol, he totally would! But then again...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUNH DUNH DUNH!!!
> 
> Just kidding, the story bit will be up momentarily. Hopefully. If not, then later today.


	40. Fanfic: Deadpool Tactics Part II (by gottabekiddinme)

"STARK! WHY are there magnets all over my electronics??"

"Why do you assume it was me?"

"Maybe because YOUR DAMN NAME IS ALL OVER THEM?"

"Seriously, Fury, it wasn't me this time."

"Then who - wait. HILL! IS DEADPOOL ON BOARD MY HELICARRIER?"

"Ah...he's just been spotted heading for the mess, sir."

"GET RID OF HIM."

"Any suggestions as to how, sir?"

"*I* don't know! Throw chimichangas at him until he goes away!"

"...will that work?"

"It did last time..."


	41. Fanfic: Remedial Kindergarten (by Cyberbutterfly)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conspiritory whisper (he goes after Hill first... Or, rather, she's the first to notice she's been 'attacked' by the iron man magnets... I kinda have a head canon that- as second in command- she would be the one in charge of making sure people keep up to date with tech knowledge... So he strikes her first)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written in play style again.

(Setting: Bridge of the helicarrier. Banner, Rogers, Barton, and Natasha are reviewing (painfully) the footage from the training exercise. Clint stiffens suddenly and Natasha turns as Tony- looking remarkably no worse for wear- strolls through the door with a sharp grin on his face. Moments later, Hill comes storming through the same door.)

Hill: (yelling as she walks in) “STARK! You’ve got ten seconds to explain what the *hell* you did to my laptop before I personally throw you off the carrier!”

(Stark pivots on his heels, and looks at the laptop she’s currently holding, which is now sporting a cute Chibi Iron Man magnet over the processor.)

Stark: (points his finger at her) “*Not* just your laptop… I also included your phone, PDA, programmable hot plate, and Keurig brewer… Though for those last two I had to run a current through the magnets first.”

(Hill blinks for a second as Stark simply looks back at her with an innocent expression.) 

Hill: (snarls) “WHAT?!” 

Stark: (shrugs) “Object lesson. (Waves a hand) Did some research, turns out in kindergarten, teachers recommend a ‘hands on’ approach… Something about kids learning better when they can see and touch the results… Figured, HEY, if it works for tykes who still eat glue paste on a dare- it might *just* be user friendly enough for SHIELD personnel!”

(Starks spins on the bridge of the carrier, clapping his hands like a teacher getting the classes attention, then quickly grabs the laptop from Hill and hops away, hoisting it up to head level.)

Stark: “Okay class… Pay attention, Lesson one- Magnetic and Electronic: Sure, they may sound the same- I mean they *do* both end in ‘ic’… And you *can* use them together in a phrase- say ‘Electro Magnetic’… But *wouldn’t you know it*, soon as you put these bad boys in close quarters- *everything* just goes straight to hell. Case in point- our dear Ms. Hill’s laptop. Featuring a 1 Terabyte hard drive that will be obsolete in the next 15 minutes, a sound system from the dark ages, and the latest crap motherboard that won’t run jack… Clearly not *my* tech… (Pulls the magnet off the back) And look- a magnet.”

(Stark opens up the laptop and presses the start button. The screen pixelates for a few seconds and then the turns a deep shade of blue. He waves the magnet in the air before twisting it around to look at it.)

Stark: “It looks so harmless doesn’t it? (Bringing it closer to him to study it further) Actually, I’m amazed at how cute I look in Chibi form… It’s actually kind of disturbing.”

(Glances up at Banner.)

Stark: “Bruce? Should I be flattered or demoralized that the words ‘Iron Man Armour’ and ‘Adorable’ can now be used together in a sentence with zero traces of sarcasm?”

Bruce: (trades the wince he’d been sporting as Tony talked to something a little more amused directed at the magnet Stark’s now holding in his direction) “Well… It *is* cutely adorable.”

Stark: (spins around and holds both items up triumphantly) “There you have it, class. Fifteen hundred dollar electronic and a cute Chibi *Me* magnet. With these powers combined, what do you get…?”

(He walks over to the side of the platform, holding the laptop out at arms length and letting it drop and smash on the floor. The sound echoes throughout the now silence bridge.)

Tony: “A paperweight.” 

(He strolls to the door, stopping to turn back look at everyone once more.)

Tony: “Tomorrow we’ll discuss why you don’t run with sharp objects and on Friday we’ll cover why we don’t swallow strange liquids. Just in case Hill forgot to upgrade your knowledge on those too.” 

Tony: (sticks one hand in his pocket and accents his words with the other) “For the more *advanced* students we’ll have a flannel gram presentation on all the ways SHIELD personnel seem hell bent on killing me and why I’m *really* starting to take it personally… And if that goes *really* well and everyone’s on there best behaviour, maybe next week we’ll begin talks on why it’s recommended you don’t piss off the philanthropist, genius, billionaire, inventor who’s company supplies 90% of your tech.”

(He glances at his watch.)

Tony: “Okay, class dismissed. I’ve got a meeting with SI’s board to discuss SHIELD’s upcoming computer upgrades… I’m thinking a switch over to the Sinclair ZX80 might just be what the doctor ordered. After all, I hear retro is simply *all* the rage right now…. TTFN.” 

(With that Stark walks out the door. At the table Rogers looks likes he’s ready to start waving the white flag. Beside him Barton is softly banging his head against the table top. Natasha is watching this with a tight lipped expression as Banner sighs and rests his head on a propped up arm.)

Banner: (grimacing slightly) “Well… That went better than I expected.”

Natasha: (nodding) “For now.”

Barton: (stops banging his head on the table and looks at her worriedly) “What do you mean, ‘for now’?”

Natasha: “He was at the tower all morning. I’m sure that gave him plenty of time to set up our own personal ‘object lessons’… Something tells me Iron Man magnets are going to be the least of our problems.”

Rogers: (standing up and groaning) “Right… I’m going to hand in my report to Fury. If anyone else thinks of any other way we can screw this up more royally than it already is- just have them stick it in the suggestion box.”


	42. Authorial Slumber Party Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Titled that because that's pretty much what our four hour chat turned into. There will be a few chapters of this, because we wandered all over a few different threads, but they'll all be up eventually, so please just be patient with me for a bit if something doesn't make sense.
> 
> Also, just so you know, I came down with something flu-like yesterday. By the end of work I just about wanted to stab myself in the temple so I could pull out the parts of my brain that *hurt* like that. Then, in that state, I started pulling these together and editing. Then I continued to do so today, still a little feverish and sleep deprived (there surely must be a special level of hell for housemates who get called every 5 min like clockwork for 15 rings each time for 30+ hours). So I might have some mistakes here and there, or have somehow missed something. If you see that and I haven't fixed it in a few days, just let me know. Thanks.
> 
> Cyberbutterfly, I know I promised tomorrow (later today by now) but that might not happen. Soon, though. I haven't forgotten.

L: I kind of love the idea of a suggestion box for how to make this situation even more awful.  
Maybe I should open one...

C: Bruce and Rhodey would abuse that suggestion box so badly. Sooooo badly.

L: Dear Rogers,  
You should tell him is mom is fat and ugly. Or was until she DIED.

C: Rogers  
Have you tried kicking out his heels when he's walking in front of you to make him trip yet?

L: Hold something he's using above his head and make him jump for it.

C: Two words: Atomic. Wedgie.

L: Barton,  
What about appearing out of the vents right in front of him while he's taking a shower?

C: Barton,  
Have you tried the 'stop hitting yourself' game yet? Then you could smack him around without actually needing to do so yourself.

L: At a party, ask if he wants some punch. Then, when he says yes, punch him. You'll be able to legitimately claim that he was asking for it.

C: Noogies.  
(appendix I)  
Put bugs down the back of his pants.  
Play dodgeball. Argue over who gets 'stuck' with him.

L: Leave passive aggressive notes which don't outright Condemn his day to day activities, but make him really uncomfortable about them.

C: Hold an intervention for his caffeine addiction. Act sincere when you ask if he's considered rehab.

L: Has anyone suggested a kick me sign next time he has to go to the helicarrier yet?

C: No, not yet.  
Buckets of water over the doorways.

L: That joke toothpaste that turns your teeth black.

C: Itching powder in the suit.

L: Peanut butter in his shoes.

C: Take every opportunity to flex your arms and/or walk around shirtless. Because he's got some major definition for a businessman, but he's not a Steve or a Clint.

L: Put his favorite cereal on the top shelf of the kitchen so he has to ask someone to get it down for him.

C: Put one of those coiled snakes in the tin of coffee grounds.

L: Glue on his cup so he ends up stuck to it.

C: Glue on the toilet seat

L: Can't guarantee that would hit Tony. Thor could have a really unfortunate experience there.  
Re-program JARVIS' voice to flirt outrageously with Tony in a really uncomfortable way.

C: Do the one in his workshop. No one else goes down there.  
Turn all the clocks an hour forward on a day he has a board meeting and watch him rush when he thinks he's late (I was going to say back and *make* him late, but that would incur the Wrath of Pepper)

L: Magnetize the roof so when he lands in his suit...

C: Reprogram his music so he gets all of the sappy father/son songs out there on it. Like 'He Didn't Have To Be', 'Mr. Mom', and 'The Only Way He Knew How'. And the sad ones, like 'I Love You This Much' and 'Forgiveness'...  
Actually, just reprogram for country music. He'd hate that anyway, and all but the last song is anyway.

L: Cover every single Starkindustries label in the tower with a little tag that says Hammer tech.

C: Bring him the laundry and insist that since his code name is Iron Man that he's in charge of ironing all of it.

L: Tighten all the jars with supersoldier strength just a *little* too much. My ex-once told me there is nothing more emasculating for a guy than needing help to open the jam.

C: Forget jars. The lug nuts and oil caps on all his cars.  
Make cracks about him being old and stiff. When he tries to turn it back on Steve, have him stretch, smile sunnily, and say something like, "How about us old codgers go spar then? And after we can go for a run. Ten miles sounds good, right?"

L: Replace his top shelf whiskey with apple juice.

C: Defile his coffeepot with some vanilla hazelnut decaf blend.

L: Buy him a hideously garish sweater, possibly one with a Spiderman logo, as a 'sorry' gift. Stare at him until he puts it on.

C: Draw brightly coloured hearts and flowers on the Iron Man armour in permanent magic marker.

L: Shave his beard into a different shape while he's sleeping.

C: Paint his workshop pastel colours, and explain how the dark and chrome from before was messing with his Feng Sui. Look serious while you do it.

L: Arrange for all the lights to turn on with that cartoon 'Ping' sound when he has an idea.

C: Make the Iron Man speakers play the nyan cat song.

L: Say his name in a creepy slow way: Toooooooony, Toooooooooooooooony over and over again, and when he finally answers you make an incredibly obvious statement (we're in the workshop Tony, you're drinking coffee Tony, your T-shirt is black Tony) a la Charlie the Unicorn.  
Also, is it just me, or are you imagining Bruce and Rhodey drinking A LOT while they write these suggestions in increasingly illegible scribbles while they try not to giggle enough to squirt tequila out their nose.

C: Oh, there is *so* *much* *booze* involved.  
Steal all his band t-shirts and replace them with MLP ones.

L: Steal all of his right shoes so he's only got left ones right before he's supposed to be taking Auntie Peggy dancing. That'll teach HIM for dancing with my girl.

C: Tie his shoelaces together when he's busy working.

L: Replace his personal lubricant with mustard, right before he goes for some *ahem* alone time.

C: Hair dye in the shampoo bottle.

L: Whoopee cushion on his chair before a press conference.

C: Prank phone calls.

L: Red sock in the washing machine with all his white clothes.

C: Secret super-spicy pepper on his pizza.

L: Set him up on a blind date to 'help him move on from Pepper.' His partner for the evening? Norman Osborn.

C: Hack his twitter/facebook and proclaim loudly on it his love of One Direction.  
And with that, I'm off. Have fun, and try not to explode my inbox *too* much while I'm off pretending to be a responsible adult.

L: Just one more then. It's no fun playing by myself.   
Fill the Iron Man helmet with glitter so when he puts it on he gets a face/hair/beard full of the stuff. Call him Edward when he takes the helmet off again.

G: Can I play?  
Magnets all over the suit. Preferably ones advertising Hammertech or Oscorp. See if you can stick one right in the middle of his arc reactor without him noticing.   
Better yet? Suction cup arrows. Go for it, Barton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to add some more, but please try to remember the premise and enjoy the spirit of the thing. Since they were against-Tony things, I don't think Rhodey or Bruce would be willing to suggest anything *too* serious, just in case anyone *did* take the suggestions.


	43. Authorial Slumber Party Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few quick notes on the formatting: an asterik * denotes a skip or change in the thread, and some lines will be repeated on different sides of an asterik. This is because sometimes we'd respond to the same comment and start two different threads, but i didn't judge them different enough to warrant their own chapters.
> 
> This chapter was written within the line of the previous one, but I made the choice on that chapter to only include the pranks. Last chapter is where you comment if you have pranks, this one is a little more of a discussion thread (not that these are hard and fast rules or anything, but it will make finding threads and posting prank comments easier for me in the future).

L: Possibly, we should stop playing the game we are playing. I think all we are proving is that we are horrible people.

C: Perhaps. It was kinda fun, though. I don't think I've played these sorts of games since puberty.  
Except the hiding and jumping out thing. That's even more fun when they're drunk.

*  
D: I just went to read an article about Japanese gaming culture, how did this thread descend to this?

L: We're sorry.   
*pokes Cauldron* seeeeeeeeeeeee. I told you we'd just end up looking mean.

D: Actually more along the lines of; "Is this a drinking game?" and "Why did I have to miss it?"

L: Ummm...I could be wrong, but I think the premise is Bruce and Rhodey abusing Steve's suggestion box for 'How to make this situation with Tony worse.' Feel free to join in! I wrote IMY, I have no problems with random meanness apparently.

C: Exactly. When given such an excellent opportunity, why waste letting off some passive-aggressive steam?  
Put bugs down the back of his pants.

C (at D): All the awesome stuff happens when you're away, hunh? I know that feeling.  
Play dodgeball. Argue over who gets 'stuck' with him.  
*  
L: We're sorry.   
*pokes Cauldron* seeeeeeeeeeeee. I told you we'd just end up looking mean.

C: (echoes) We're sorry.  
*pokes back* You started it!

L: Technically, this is all Cyberbutterfly's fault. She wrote the line which inspired us.

Cy: HEY!.... Don't you put this on *MY* head....   
Just because I *suggest* something didn't mean you guys had to go with it.... Like mama used to say....  
If everyone else was jumping off a bridge, would that mean you'd have to, too?

L: :(

Cy: Ah- don't be sad.....  
Clearly the answer is *YES*.... Seeming as how I've put my own suggestion in the box! XD

C: That requires an xkcd comic. Because it mentions this, and xkcd is awesome.  
http://xkcd.com/1170/  
Wasn't me! *points at lilsmartass* she did it!

L: That's very funny. But you still can't blame me for this. I blame...*looks around*...Steve. It's his damn suggestion box. What did he think would happen?

C: "Maybe they'll find cookies?" Cookies make everything better.  
Alright, we're agreed. *Looks at Cyberbutterfly* it's Steve's fault.

L: Totally. Captain America led us astray. Damn Yanks.

C: *laughs*  
Damn Yanks indeed.

Cy: Gosh... I kinda just thought that was the main theme of this story arc... "BLAME STEVE".....   
(winks and smiles in lilsmartass' direction)

L: *Shakes head sadly* We're as bad as the characters. Still. It totally is his fault. It's not mine is the important thing.

C: He wasn't quick enough. Last person to say 'not me' always takes the blame ;)

L: It's his own fault.

Cy: Yes it is... And we'll just all nod, smile, and agree.


	44. Authorial Slumber Party Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! That was *entirely* my fault, and I feel bad about it. RL just kinda got away with me last week.

L: You realise between us we've written about 60 suggestions for petty suggestions Bruce and Rhodey could put in Steve's 'Could we possibly make this worse for Tony' box?

C: You realize we've been going at it for over three hours?  
Yeah, i know. I didn't even know I *knew* this many practical jokes.

L: I basically hit the, well I'm not going to be the first to say I'm out of ideas an hour ago.  
You know what would be funny though. Steve opening his over stuffed suggestion box and reading all these ideas. And just...crying.

C: Yeah, me too, actually.  
Aww, poor Steve! And then Tony comes up on him while he's reading them (all of them. "It's for *work*, Tony! What if there's something *important* in here?") and he laughs until he cries. Then he pulls some of the sillier ones on Steve, just to make him smile at the in-joke.


	45. Fanfic: Spidey-Sweater! (By lilsmartass) (Authorial Slumber Party Part IV)

“Ummmm,” Steve looked at the sweater in his hands. Predictably, it was a vivid red and blue, less predictably, it had the symbol of that Spider-kid on the front and a sticker boasting that said symbol glowed in the dark. “What is it?”

“It’s a present.” Tony just stared at him, intense and brooding. “I got it for you.”

“Riiiiight,” Steve looked back down at the over-loud colours. “It’s…nice.” He made as if to rise.

“Aren’t you going to put it on?” Tony asked in a tiny, woeful voice.

Steve looked at him sideways. He was sure Tony was messing with him. This exact prank had been one of Bruce’s oh-so-helpful suggestions. Tony’s pitiful mask held, not so much as a flicker of mirth. Steve sighed, and pulled it over his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... At the moment I've lost the peanut butter one. Do you remember where you put it?


	46. Authorial Slumber Party Part V

Cy: Okay... Just one more though before we come back to our senses!  
Capture Dummy, You, and Butterfingers and hold them for ransom, forcing Tony to achieve your ever growing list of demands.

L: I can see that backfiring, you know, when Bots fight back. And JARVIS interacts with them remotely...kidnapping DUM-E could be messy.

Cy: True.... But I was more thinking of this prank as a good natured one. Probably instigated by Bruce- and his list of demands including stuff like "Come up stairs and play Wii with me and Thor before the guy launches one of these controls into the screen" (because while *Bruce* might not be a big gamer, I could see him joining in just to build Tony up)  
OR   
"Tony you've been up for 3 days straight... Go to bed or I teach DUM-E how to tag things with spray paint"....

C: Actually, that would be rather sweet. I like that idea.

Cy: Yours if you want to do anything with it.  
(actually, I'd kinda like to see a scene like that... Because, with Stark having the social skills of a demented hamster... I wouldn't be surprised it doing something like kidnapping his bots to get him to interact might be the *ONE* thing that proves to him people care)

L: God yeah. I'd be just like Tony to take kidnapping as caring...

C: That could be really tricky, because of his previous experiences with kidnapping. It's a thought, though.

Cy: Yep... Deranged hamster it is....  
Cauldron:  
True... But being his bots, Jarvis will be in on it- so I think he'd be able to calm Stark down.... And I don't see Bruce even taking them outside of the tower, so Jarvis could assure him that he's monitoring them at all times.   
Besides... It's BRUCE doing the main kidnapping (with help from other avengers).... Now, I know Tony would still consider it a possibility that Bruce could have gone dark side (because, if Obadiah could turn, then anyone could... Tony's thinking) BUT, I think he'd be more likely to see it as a dramatic way for Bruce to be reaching out... Which, in typical Tony fashion, rather than seeing it as 'my friends are harming my bots (which they *couldn't* cause- bamf that is JARVIS!) and more likely to see it as "Wow... they took the time to do this... They... They actually DO care!" (again... We *are* talking about a man with a deranged hamster mentality. So, logic isn't always the main driving factor)

C: He could. It could go either way, really, depending on how it comes together in the author's mind.

Cy: So true....  
Course, if we're leaving this all to how it goes down in the authors mind... Then.... Well, then, fluffy pink mutated vampire bunnies taking over the city isn't *completely* out of the equation for an outcome.... So, maybe we'd all be better off leaving it to BRUCE to decide how he goes about it.  
.... Okay.....  
I *DARE* someone to write a short fic where Manhattan is attacked by fluffy pink mutated vampire bunnies because of something our mad scientist (aka Tony and Bruce) do.....

L: Challenge accepted


	47. Fanfic: Bunnies of DOOM! (by lilsmartass)

The Avengers surveyed the city from the top of the sky-scraper as the rabbits turned like a flock of geese and began moving, as perfectly in step as a well trained squad. Tony turned to Bruce. “I would never have predicted they’d be pack animals.”

“Wait,” Steve turned his attention from the gravel strewn streets to his teammate with a horrified expression. “You predicted this.” 

“Well…” Tony waves a hand to indicate not completely, “Some of it.”

“Didn’t you commission a PSA last year asking scientists NOT to breed monsters in their basements?”

“They’re pink rabbits Barton,” Tony said, neatly sidestepping the question, “not monsters.”

“I think the fact that they drink blood puts them firmly in the monster category, actually.”

“Well…Banner started it. He dared me.”

Steve sighed, but before he could say anything Bruce smiled lazily and spoke up. “I turn into a Giant Green Rage Monster. What made you think I know anything about safe and ethical lab practice?”

Tony huffed and looked sadly at the largest of the rabbits who had just taken a bite out of the side of a building. “You’re going to make me get rid of them, aren’t you?”

“No,” Steve shook his head, “But Pepper will be here soon and she said-”

Tony was in the air before he could finish speaking. “Let’s move it people. Come on! There are giant vampire rabbits terrorising the city. We need to stop them NOW!”


	48. Tony vs. Maria Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off of Cyberbutterfly's magnet fic.

Cy: Thanks... Actually, when I sat down to right it- I was really just aiming for full, straight up humour.... Apparently my inner Tony was feeling just *ever so slightly* snarky, however.  
Besides... I tend to think that in lilsmartass' universe- there would be nothing short of a total ongoing *feud* between Hill and Stark.

L: Oh. Oh yes. There totally would be. In the universe I'm playing in, their personalities would conflict SPECTACTULARY. You know that annoying attention seeking kid that if you ignore, they just go away? Yeah, Hill was never taught to ignore them, and Tony *knows* that. He *knows* all he has to do is target Hill's stuff to generate some epic fireworks and free publicity for his prank. So yes. Totally.

C: Hill would try to cow them. To bad for her Tony's un-cow-able

L: And gets so. much. worse when people try.

C: Irrisistable force, meet immovable object.  
Pepper and Bruce will be supplying the popcorn. Tickets are five dollars and the proceeds go towards the rebuilding efforts.  
*  
L: Oh. Oh yes. There totally would be. In the universe I'm playing in, their personalities would conflict SPECTACTULARY. You know that annoying attention seeking kid that if you ignore, they just go away? Yeah, Hill was never taught to ignore them, and Tony *knows* that. He *knows* all he has to do is target Hill's stuff to generate some epic fireworks and free publicity for his prank. So yes. Totally.

Cy: Yeah.... I kinda figured you might do something like that.... And Hill's personality from the comics (because you *don't* have to get away from canon to make her an unpleasant character) is just one that I could *totally* see your Tony just loving to make life miserable for... It'd almost be like a drug for him.... Tony's feeling bad- he wipes everything off her hard drive... Feeling ignored? Just make is so the only thing her personal clearance code on the helicarrier can access is music from 'Men With Hats'.....

L: *smile* This made me laugh.

Cy: *chuckles*  
You know it goes down like this until Fury is forced to stick them in a 'time out' corner. XD

C: "This is a highly sophisticated piece of military equipment, *not* a daycare! Why do we even *have* a time out corner?!?"

L: *points at Deadpool*

Cy: "Because apparently I'm one of only five people on this damn ship AWARE of the fact that this isn't a day care center! And until that changes, or Stark suddenly is switched with a pod person who actually *has* proper social skills- you should be thankful that the 'time out corner' is the option I'm going with!"

L: You will be getting the blame when I inevitably write a Fury spanking fic. Your. Fault. *sticks out tongue*

Cy: I'll happily take the blame for that :P

L: ...I...I think I love you. you don't judge me for my inappropriate oddities. Marry me.

C: What, I get tossed over for pancakes and she gets a proposal for Fury-spankings? ;) We all know who *your* favourite is.

L: ...  
...  
Apparently.   
Which says more about me than I am really comfortable with.

Cy: (Cauldron... NAH, nah, nah, nah, NAH, nah)  
I am very open minded.  
I'm also already married and therefore must reject your proposal.   
Sorry.


	49. Tony vs. Maria Part II

Cy: Yeah.... I kinda figured you might do something like that.... And Hill's personality from the comics (because you *don't* have to get away from canon to make her an unpleasant character) is just one that I could *totally* see your Tony just loving to make life miserable for... It'd almost be like a drug for him.... Tony's feeling bad- he wipes everything off her hard drive... Feeling ignored? Just make is so the only thing her personal clearance code on the helicarrier can access is music from 'Men With Hats'.....

C: ... I *like* Men With Hats. Safety Dance is awesome!  
It'd probably get really annoying after the fourth repeat or so, though...

L: I don't think Maria would make it to the fourth repeat before she was ready to cleave Tony's eyes out with her pen.

C: No, but it's following her on the PA system and he's managed to lock himself behind blast doors and disable the opening mechanisms. She has no choice in the listening.

Cy: I like there stuff too... I just don't think Maria would be...

C: Probably not. Switch it up with some Village People and watch her froth as the whole bridge does the 'YMCA'.

L: Galaga guy rocking the moves.

C: He would. And that's his official nickname now. Clint is Hawkeye, dude is Galaga guy. It confuses the heck out of the CIA when they work with them.  
*  
Cy: Oh GOD....  
Well *THANKS* for *that* little visual image!  
hehehe.... Just wait till he makes it so her ring tones are permanently stuck to the ring tone of 'Tip Toe Through the Tulips'!

C: Her text alert is "Gagnam Style!"  
Tony amuses himself during meetings by texting her pictures of his shoes.

L: And the inside of his pocket. And the random crap on his desk and Steve making a SRUS BZNZ face while he listens closely.

C: He captions them too, just in case she's wondering what she's looking at. "Clint's elbow", "Monorail Bruce", "No bukkit for Fury yet. He mad."

L: I am giggling out loud at the idea of the look on Maria Hill's face as she snatches her phone up as it YET AGAIN plays the annoying Gangham style music to a picture captioned: Clint's elbow.

C: Yup, that would be hilarious.  
For all that he wishes they could be serious, Fury almost smiles when she finally launches herself at him over the table. He hides behind Steve, guilt tripping his leader into defending him.

L: Meanwhile, Clint and Natasha are taking advantage of the distraction to wreak merry hell elsewhere.

C: They're pranking the rest of the staff because Tony thinks this is fun, and they're *sorry*. It's like when your dog brings home a dead squirril and expects you to thank him for it.

L: They're totally doing something to Fury's office.

C: I read this as 'doing something *in* Fury's office' at first, and then thought 'who?' Because somewhere in this thread I have decided that Maria and Tony are in some sort of kinky, angry, frenimy hate-sex kindergarten relationship. No one's sure if it's cute or terrifying.  
(and yes, I know you said slash. I think I know who it is, too. But this thought just would not be denied)

L: Yes, I can totally see that. That I'M SO ANGRY WITH YOU AND I HATE YOU SO MUCH fury that just naturally mutates into violence or brutal sex against the wall in your boss' office.

C: And Fury *knows*. He really, *really* wishes he didn't, though.

L: Fury and Coulson sitting in the mess gossiping about all the Agents/Avengers love lives and then the conversation turns to Hill or Tony and they just look away muttering under their breaths because they both know, and it's so very disturbing.

C: Neither should look so smug while simmering with deadly rage. Several junior agents actually wet themselves at the look they got from Maria when they offered Tony a bro-fist. They didn't know it was their boss, just that he had quite the hickey and was limping. Fury's not too upset. Better to weed the ones who can't read a situation out early.

L: Fury turns the whole thing into a training exercise because that's his best defense mechanism for dealing with disturbing information.  
*  
C: Her text alert is "Gagnam Style!"  
Tony amuses himself during meetings by texting her pictures of his shoes.

Cy: LOL.  
And high-def pictures of the other Avenger's ears- because that's sure just to confuse the hell out of her.

L: Clint's elbow and Natasha's ear. Kinky.

Cy: The *key* for him would be to constantly shift what he sends her- that way she can *never* predict what she's going to be subjected to next.


	50. Fanfic: Tony vs. Maria: A Harlequin Romance

*Gangnam Style* "Clint's elbow"

*Gangnam Style* "Natasha's ear"

*Gangnam Style* "Steve's left nostril"

"Sir, I think Mr. Stark needs to retake the mandatory drug screens."

"What? No! Fury, she's picking on me! I've already had to pee into that cup twice today!"

"Take him down to medical, Hill."

"Yes, sir."

"..."

"They're not going to make it to medical, are they?"

"They might. There's beds there. Romanov, warn the doctors. They might all want to take lunch now."

"It's ten AM, sir."

"They. Might. All. Want. To. Take. Lunch. Now. Warn them Hill and Stark are on their way. They'll move."


	51. Reading Lessons (by Cyberbutterfly)

(Setting: Helicarrier; Fury’s office. Fury is standing looking out the large glass window that sits behind his desk. His back is to the office. The silence is interrupted when Stark burst through the closed door, not bothering to knock.)

Tony (crossing his arms): “Lovely as it is for you to schedule this little ‘heart to heart’, let’s move this along; Pepper’s got me in meetings from now until eternity. I think it’s her not-so-gentle way of sparing me from the bloodshed her and Rhodey seem hell bent on unleashing.”

Fury (not turning around, voice low and even): “I’ll make this quick. Rogers came and spoke with me yesterday; we had quite the talk.” (Turns to look at Tony, who is wearing an emotionless mask) “In a way- it’s my fault. See, I assumed that people whose job descriptions included strategic command, infiltration and assessment, battle field observation, and technological genius would be able to understand the subtext.” (Huffing a humourless laugh) “Well, I guess it *was* expecting a lot.”

Tony (snorting): “Look, charming as it is to hear your list of character flaws about us—“

Fury (voice sharpening and rising slightly in volume) “—Mr. Stark. Why don’t you put your fragile ego aside for a moment and just sit and *listen*. Because *maybe* if you’d all taken the time to do that with each other *before* this, we wouldn’t need to be having this conversation.”

(Tony huffs, grinding his jaw together while looking like remaining silent is actually causing him physical pain; after a moment he sits and glares.)

Tony: “You have five minutes. Starting now.”

Fury (also sitting): “As far as the public’s concerned- you’re *are* an Avenger… You’ve *always* been an Avenger… Officially- as far as SHIELD is concerned- you’re not.” (Raises a hand to silence Stark’s rebuttal) “Despite what you might think, that choice wasn’t because I’m a bastard who likes pissing in your cornflakes.”

Tony (snorting bitterly): “No, of course not. I’m sure everything you’ve done has been purely out of love, friendship, and rainbows. Really, you’re Santa Clause disguised as a pirate; we should hug.” 

Fury (crossing his arms and glaring): “You’re pushing *all* the wrong damn buttons, Stark.”

Tony (matching his glare): “And you’re down to three minutes. Are we done?”

Fury (leaning forward on the desk): “Not even close. And for the record- despite what you clearly believe- this has never been personal. I *don’t* have to like someone to consider them valuable. Hell, if I only worked with the individuals I actually *enjoyed* working with, the carrier’s passenger manifest grand total would be 15 people.”

Tony (dryly): “So- you’re not a ‘people person’. Duly noted. Anything else?”

Fury: “Do you know the one weakness that Barton, Romanoff, and Rogers all possess?”

Tony (lifting an eyebrow as he smiles sharply): “Extraordinarily bad houseguest manners? Phenomenal levels of ineptitude? Terrible taste in business associates? Bad breath? Am I getting warmer? Come on, give me a hint- otherwise I’m going to be going through what’s becoming a *really* long list.”

Fury (pausing in emphasis): “They’re all soldiers.”

Tony (blinking, taken aback): “Um. What?”

Fury: “They’re. All. Soldiers. (Fury pauses, letting the words sink in) “They follow a chain of command, one they tend not to even consider arguing with. Normally it’s not an issue because, as far as they need be concerned, that chain begins and ends with me.” (Leaning back and levelling his gaze fully at Stark) “But the fact is I’m just one more link, and while I’d like nothing more than to believe that the people above got there because they’re the best for the job, the reality is much different.” (Fury pauses, forcing control over his anger) “Coulson and I assembled the Avengers, *they* launched a nuke at Manhattan.”

(Fury looks to the side for a moment, before reaching out and pulling a file out of a drawer. Tony looks at it; it’s SHIELD’s report on him.)

Fury: “We knew early on that the Avengers were going to need to be *more* than just SHIELD’s lap dogs. They were going to need to be a force of nature; a symbol. Earth’s Royal Flush that could take down whatever hand those without humanity’s best interests in mind might hold. Steve Rogers was an obvious choice, for obvious reasons. Romanoff and Barton made sense; and they’re ours, so it kept the Nay Sayers off my back. Then there’s *you*.”

(Fury pushes the file closer to Tony, tapping on a highlighted spot that read ‘Subject has no regard for authority and is incapable of following a direct chain of command’.) 

Tony (snarkily): “Maybe if the *authority* didn’t spend as much time with there head up there collective asses insisting I give them bigger and better things to go ‘boom’, I might be less inclined to tell them where to shove it.”

Fury (smiling slightly): “I doubt you’ll *ever* manage that level of discretion. Truth is I’ve never had much interest in you falling in line.” (Fury watches as Tony’s eyebrow shoot up in surprise) “Captain America is an unexpected but welcome Ace in SHIELD’s deck. Barton’s a decent Jack of all trades, and Romanoff is as good as any Queen of hearts. But that’s not nearly enough. I needed something more, and Coulson agreed. Even with a few more additions, we both recognized the benefits of pulling from resources outside of the usual pool. It’s why I pushed to have Banner brought on board. Unfortunately, while he’s proven himself invaluable- both for his intelligence as Banner and his strength as the Hulk- the fact that his control is finite makes him too unpredictable. Thor was an unexpected bonus- and I’m not going to refuse the aid of an Asgardian God-Prince. But he’s not human; Earth isn’t even his general place of residence. So he can’t be considered a reliable asset because his duties will always be divided.”

(Fury gets up, once more turning to look out the window)

Fury (continuing): “I needed a wild card; someone already in the game but playing by a different set of rules. Someone familiar with the system that knew the angles and could adapt as things changed. Someone with a vested interest in humanity and the resources to back their convictions.” (Turning to glance at Stark) “Most of all- I needed someone *completely* outside the sphere of military influence. (Nodding at the file) The words might imply ‘doesn’t play well with others’- but I always read that to mean ‘doesn’t stand by while the world suffers because of stupid people making stupid-ass choices’. Was I wrong?”

Tony (somewhat dumbstruck): “Not really… (Shaking his head) Wait… Are you saying I’m an outside because you *want* me to keep being an asshole?!”

Fury (raising an eyebrow): “Not exactly in that wording… I kept you labelled as a consultant because I wanted you as far off the SHIELD payroll as I could get while *still* being able to keep you listed as a resource. As an *official* member of the Avengers you fall somewhat under the authority of SHIELD; just another link in the chain. As an outside advisor, you could be kept close enough to remain informed, while being separate enough that- should the need every arise- you could still stack the deck.” (Reaching over and closing the file) “That’s why I had Romanoff doctor your report. Command was getting too interested in you; kept pushing to bring you under heel. So I made you just unsuitable enough that they’d back off while still considering you as ‘potential’.”

Tony (rocking back in his chair, blinking) “Son of a bitch.”

(Fury just hums in acknowledgement) 

Tony (pointing at Fury, grinning) “You are a *lying* liar who *lies*!” 

Fury (neutral): “I prefer to call it ‘thinking outside the box’. 

Tony (frowning suddenly): “Wait… So, you get your perfect little team with there shiny ‘We love SHIELD and they love us’ banners. But you also get *me*; and, let’s face it, that pretty much gives you *everything* else you’ll ever need. So that means you all get to play ‘good little soldiers’ while *I* get to take the heat any time you don’t feel like playing by the company rules.” (Eyes hardening) “Still sounds like, no matter what, I’m still getting *screwed*.” 

Fury (crossing his arms): “Tell me, Stark. The week after the Chitauri attack- did you receive a call from any SHIELD representative bringing into question your actions during the invasion?”

Tony: “N-oooo… Not exactly….”

Fury (nodding): “Between re-instating the Avengers Initiative, refusing to report- and later bench- Barton, disobeying a handful of *direct orders*, and destroying a plane I thought was carrying a payload- want to try to take a stab at guessing how many witch hunting trials *I* had to fight my way through? (Fury raises his hand, lifting a finger) And that was *on top* of dealing with mass public outcry which seemed to think we should have somehow been able to predict an inter-dimensional alien invasion.” 

Tony (quirking his jaw with a sigh): “So… Wild card was it?”

Fury (leaning back in his chair): “Moot point… Thanks to the fuss Rogers has made- the decision went above my head; you’re now an *official* member of the Avengers. I’d suggest watching your back, because you can be sure that people will be sighting it down a scope now.”

Tony (sighing): “You know- if you’d just *told* me…”

Fury: “Like I said before- I expected everyone to be on page. There wasn’t exactly a convenient time to lay it out for you; so I just went forward and assumed everyone who mattered could read between the lines. It appears your not only one in need of a Literacy 101 course.” 

(Slides a thumb drive over at Tony who picks it up.)

Fury (nodding at it): “Your inclusion comes with rules. A list of ‘thou shall not’s required for you to *remain* an active and official member of the Avengers. If you’re caught breaking any of these, the repercussions are at my discretion. Most won’t be a problem for you, some will; I’ve made sure of it. ”

Tony (smirking): “In other words… I now have to toe the line and- how did you put it- ‘be just another link’ unless, of course, it’s in *our* best interest that I suddenly find my ‘official’ status revoked.”

Fury (raising his fingers in a sort of shrug): “That is entirely *your* interpretation of my words, Mr. Stark.”

Tony (standing up with a smile): “Right… You know, this is the perfect example of why people believe you’re actually the anti-christ… Just saying.”

Fury (*almost* appearing to smile): “Generally, I tend to play for much higher stakes than a fiddle of gold.”

Tony: “Point taken.” (Looking at watch) “And- now I *have* to go or face the wrath of Pepper. Anti-christ you may be- but she’s *way* scarier than you… Also just saying.”

(With that, Tony gets up and heads to the door. Just as he’s about to leave, Fury’s voice rings out.)

Fury (neutral): “Stark?”

Tony (stopping mid step): “Yeah?”

Fury: “Rogers told me enough- but I suspect it was less than half of what I actually need to know. So- how much of a problem is this going to be?”

Tony (shaking his head but his face going blank): “None.”

(Fury stares at him for a moment before tipping his head in a nod.)

Fury: “Fine.”

(Tony leaves; Fury continues to watch the door another moment before going back to staring out the window at the clouds ahead.)


	52. Refunds and Returns (by kerravon)

Refunds and Returns  
(AU missing scene, "Cuts and Bruises", shortly before the Great Penguin Theft)

by kerravon

 

Natasha knew the moment she entered her quarters that she was not alone. Pausing just inside her door, she balanced on the balls of her feet, relaxed but alert, as her eyes adjusted to the dimness. A small smile quirked the corner of her mouth as she recognized Clint's form sprawled languidly in an overstuffed chair, leg draped over one arm, arrow twirling slowly in the fingers of his left hand. The smile disappeared as her friend's attention continued to be focused on the precise movements of the shaft in his hand, every other muscle unnaturally still. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion; she'd known the archer long enough to recognize when he was truly unhappy with something.

She glided smoothly over, settling onto the corner of the couch nearest the marksman. Then, without preamble, she demanded, "What's wrong?"

Clint didn't even glance her way. He took a deep, calming breath, letting it out with a slow control that Banner might have envied. With studied nonchalance, he replied in an apparent non sequitur, "I thought you never turned down presents."

Natasha couldn't miss the controlled fury underlying the statement, but didn't know where it was coming from, so proceeded with caution. "That's what I said," she agreed slowly.

"And you made it quite clear that I was not allowed to, and I quote," he paused in the arrow twirling and stared at the ceiling contemplatively, tapping an index finger to his chin as he made a great show of remembering, "treat you like a helpless girl who needs me to go through her stuff and decide what she can and can't handle, ever again."

Natasha frowned at the accusatory tone and decided to not play this game. "What's this about?" she almost snapped, but calmed at the last moment and used civil tones to make it a question instead. It had been a long couple of weeks piecing Clint together from the emotional fallout after Loki, compounded by the misunderstandings with Stark, and she really didn't want to deal with him falling apart all over again. 

Clint pursed his lips, then attacked from a different angle. "When we had that meeting with Ms. Potts, Stark listed a bunch of possible ways to apologize for our behavior." Natasha actually blinked at the change in topic but held her tongue, waiting for her companion to make his point. The archer resumed the leisurely rotation of his arrow, which she was beginning to suspect might be important. "One of his easier suggestions was 'a cupboard full of pork rinds'."

"I…think he was joking, Clint," she hazarded. "After all, he also mentioned a unicorn."

The archer glanced briefly her way as he waved a dismissive hand in the air. "Yeah, but even if unicorns actually existed, I don't think they'd get along very well with Stark. I mean, with his sexual history…" He shook himself, returning to his earlier topic. "Anyway, I figured I'd try the pork rinds first. Couldn't hurt, and I am so tired of feeling guilty every time he censors himself due to his worries about our reactions." 

Natasha kept her face impassive, but her heart ached with the raw hurt in his tone. Given Barton's history, it was unsurprising how suspicious he had been of both Stark's words and gifts, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, the price to be paid. What she hadn't expected was Rogers' taking everything at its surface value, always assuming ulterior motives without ever asking, creating a feedback loop between the two men that responded with increasing hostility to Stark's every attempt to be friendly. By the time LTC Rhodes had demonstrated their mistake, the genius had learned to be extremely cautious around the whole team, second and third guessing himself before committing to even the most innocent of actions or words. She couldn't really blame the engineer; she'd been the one to write his profile. She'd known how much Stark had wanted to be part of the Avengers, and how crestfallen he'd been at Fury's refusal. She winced internally at some of the snide remarks she'd let Clint get away with, on the basis that he was hurting inside more than the billionaire was and that Stark could handle it. She really, really should have known that they were inadvertently carving out what little was left of the genius' heart. It was going to take a lot more than pork scratchings to win back this man's trust.

"Anyway," Barton continued, unaware of her inner monologue, "I remembered a cupboard in Stark's workshop from that first tour he gave us; figured that would be perfect. I wanted to fix it so he'd just open it up one morning and voila, pork rinds!" 

Natasha frowned imperceptibly. "How did you plan to…" she began.

He met her eyes for the first time, swinging his leg down to the floor to face her as he interrupted, "The vents."

She blinked again. "Sorry?"

Clint snorted, dropping his head into his hands and running his fingers through his hair, ignoring the arrow he still firmly grasped. "The vents. The ductwork." He looked up once more, this time appearing more chagrinned than challenging. "Did you know that the ventilation system throughout the 'Avengers' portion of the tower is completely different from the rest of the building? Our actual ductwork is significantly larger, and seriously reinforced, as if Stark were planning on people crawling through it, and wanted to make it safer and more comfortable for them." He dropped his eyes in shame. "His desire to make us feel welcome even extended to the ventilation shafts, Tash! And I threw that back in his face."

Her mouth thinned to a hard line. "Don't do this to yourself. You couldn't have known. You had every reason to be concerned that he wanted something in return….that there would be a price for everything he gave you."

The assassin groaned in despair and turned away, staring at the far window. "But that's just it. He gave us things for weeks…weeks, Tash, and never once asked for anything in return other than a little appreciation and friendship." His tone filled with self-loathing. "And we couldn't even be bothered to give him that."

"Look, Clint, you couldn't know…"

"But I could!" he exclaimed, voice taking on a desperate edge. "The more we mistreated him, the more elaborate the gifts he created to try and get us to like him." His shoulders hunched inwards involuntarily. "When I confronted him about your dress, when I thought he was trying to seduce you, he said that he was only trying to get us to like him." His pitch dropped to a shamed mumble. "So I called him a whore."

Widow sucked a hissed breath in between her teeth in surprise. Stark…wouldn't have responded well to that. His prior sexual escapades notwithstanding, he'd really reformed after he started dating Pepper. Even though they had separated, he still hadn't returned to his prior promiscuity, and in fact was a little sensitive whenever the subject was broached. He'd truly turned over a new leaf, and to have his generosity equated to whoring himself… "No wonder he stopped upgrading our weapons and armor," she murmured, almost to herself.

Clint slammed the arrow in his hand angrily onto the table by his side, then unerringly flung a wadded piece of paper at her face. She neatly fielded and slowly opened it, keeping her eyes fixed on his angry face as he snapped, "Well, I'm sure this didn't help much, either."

Natasha recognized the writing; it was her own, after all. It was the terse note that she'd attached to the arrows she'd returned to Stark just before she'd left on her mission. "SHIELD research and development is legally responsible to provide all Avenger equipment; any unsolicited paraphernalia will be returned without discretion to avoid unwarranted expectations."

"Perhaps not," she acceded. "How did you come by this?" She was certain that Stark hadn't given it to him.

The corner of Barton's lip tilted up slightly in a humorless grimace. "The cabinet in Stark's workshop. I broke in through the ventilation system with a rucksack full of pork rinds, planning on putting them there. However, the thing was already filled to overflowing with gifts for us, one item piled on another, the older bits further back and the newer in the front and wedged into the spaces between. One of the oldest, and furthest back, was a quiver of really astounding arrows, an unopened disk of shooting programs, and that note."

"So how did you like them?" she asked calmly.

"I don't know; I left them there!" he growled furiously. "I apparently didn't want them, did I? SHIELD R&D makes 'all my equipment', even if it is shit."

Natasha refused to be riled. "Clint, you were in a bad place at the time; you already felt beholden to Stark for the earlier arrows and for finding out about Phil. I didn't think you would deal well with any more of Stark's smothering attentions."

"And that's my point. You returned my gifts 'for my own good', yet gave me a hassle for doing exactly the same thing with your dress? How is that fair?"

The Widow….hadn't thought of that. She winced internally as she admitted, "You're right, Clint, it's not." She was perfectly willing to acknowledge her mistake. "I'm sorry. It's not fair to get angry at you for trying to protect me, when just the day before I did the same for you."

The archer visibly deflated, his point made and accepted so readily. He sighed, "The real problem was that neither of us needed protecting at all. Tony is our teammate, not our enemy. Maybe it's time we started treating him like one."

The assassin nodded thoughtfully. Perhaps she needed to stop regarding their host as a 'mission' and start considering him a colleague instead. "Agreed. I tell you what; I'll even beat you at Mario Kart tonight to make up for treating you like a delicate flower, all right?"

He regarded her doubtfully. "I thought you hated those games."

She shrugged and stood, stretching. "Doesn't mean I won't beat you."

Clint snorted as he jumped to his feet. "You wish," he smirked, and headed towards the common room.

They had just turned on the system console when Steve wandered by, eyes lighting at the sight of the booting game. "Hey, Clint, you learn how to drive those cars yet?" he called over his shoulder as he entered the kitchen.

"I'll show you driving, Rogers. Think you can take us?" Clint challenged.

"Yeah, in a second. I want to grab some snacks." His voice was muffled by the closing kitchen door. The few following seconds of companionable silence were suddenly shattered by Steve's startled yelp, then the sound of a cascade of chips bags hitting the floor. "What the…?!?"

Natasha looked towards the kitchen, eyebrows raised, then at Barton, who hadn't even moved from where he was accessing the last saved game. Widow tilted her head towards the kitchen meaningfully, so he shrugged.

"Guess Steve found the pork rinds." At the Widow's pointed silence, he smiled up at her in wide-eyed innocence, spreading his hands out at his sides in an exaggerated movement. "What? I had to put them someplace!"


	53. Beholden (by Swordsoul2000)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thanks for joining in Swordsoul2000! I loved your fic, and I hope everyone else does too.
> 
> Second, I'm going to put contact info for me in the endnotes, because some questions are getting repeated and some answers should be shared anyway.

Beholden

// blah \\\ = flashback

(This is set after the fight on the Helicarrier where the team confront Fury that Coulson's alive, but before the meeting Tony crashes when he's told he isn't an Avenger.)

There was a box sitting in front of Clint's door. Plain brown cardboard, nothing fancy, but it immediately raised the archer's hackles when he saw it. He hadn't ordered anything, not to mention that anything SHIELD wanted him to have would come for him at HQ, not here at the Tower. Which meant that this had to have come from Stark.

Clint ground his teeth as he approached the box with the same care he'd use to enter hostile territory: on high alert, double-checking all of his assumptions, checking out the package from multiple elevations and directions. There didn't seem to be any tripwires or assorted booby traps, but there could be a pressure sensor underneath the package, or possibly a flash bang or explosive dye pack tucked inside, ready to go off when he opened the box. It would be just like Stark to pull those sort of pranks, it went right along with his pet Skynet watching everything in the Tower and the constant, suffocating generosity the billionaire seemed determined to smother the Avengers with, as if he thought he could buy his way onto the team.

He nudged the box with his bow three full inches to the right, then nudged it back, keeping well away from it. No effect. Biting the bullet (which Clint had in fact done during his circus days, it was easier than it looked once you had the timing down), Clint picked up the box and shook it near his ear, straining to determine what was inside. It sounded like a bundle of papers with a single, solid object sliding around the bottom unsecured. No help for it. He pulled out one of his knives he kept on him constantly and slit the tape securing the top, box angled away from him as in case it was still rigged to explode, despite his precautions.

He'd been right. A thick bundle of papers greeted his eyes, several of the sheets secured together with staples to distinguish different documents. He lifted them out as a group, ignoring them for now as he looked to see what the other object had been. It was a car key.

Oh, fuck no. Stark couldn't have...Clint opened the bundle of papers with shaking fingers. The first sheet confirmed his worst fears. It was a set of ownership papers, made out to a 'Clinton Francis Barton' – as if Clint needed confirmation that Stark had read his SHIELD file, his full name in it's entirety existed nowhere else on the planet – affirming that some fancy sports car he'd never even heard of now belonged to him. The price was redacted, but Clint could guess that it was some unimaginable amount of money. The papers were marked 'Paid in Full'. Registration paperwork followed the ownership papers, followed in turn by an insurance form, again with the price redacted, though from the amount of extras listed in the paperwork, and the priceless nature of the car itself it had to be another unimaginable number. 'Automatic Billpay' was noted on the insurance statement, and the account listed had to be one of Stark's, even if Clint didn't recognize it. The only saving grace was that the signature lines on all the documents were blank. So long as they remained so, they were not legally binding.

The final items in the stack were a certification of an engine check, a receipt (again with the price blacked out) stating that the car was fully fueled and ready, and a photo. Clint didn't even glance at the last. He was too furious to see past the haze of red that covered his vision. It was a good thing that Stark was hiding in his workshop this week, because if he showed his face on any of the communal floors Clint was ready to murder him where he stood. What the fuck was Stark's plan? What did the billionaire hope to gain by such transparent bribery? What had Clint done to make Stark think that this would work on him?

That first day, the day they'd all moved into the tower… Clint's mind flashed back, hitting the memory with the same precision he'd been known for before Loki. Stark had caught him ogling the billionaire's Ferrari. Stark must have taken that to mean Clint was vulnerable there, open to persuasion. Almost against his will, Clint angled the forgotten photo still in his hands with the rest of the paperwork upward, until he could catch a glimpse of the car depicted there.

He nearly whimpered, momentarily overcome by the sight of the sweetest car he'd ever seen. Midnight black, with narrow streaks of deep, iridescent purple highlighting every curving line from the deep vee in the front to the flourish over the doors, it fairly screamed of speed and high-performance handling, and Clint's hands fairly itched to get behind the wheel.

Clint clenched them into fists instead. No, he was not going to be weak, not again – //“You have heart,” Loki's voice crooned as blue stole his world \\\ – and he was not going to give in to Stark's bullying. In fact, what he was going to do was take these papers, paste them over targets on the range, get in a good two hours of practice, and then put the remains back in the box and dump them outside Stark's door. That would show Stark that he didn't want or need –

//“You ungrateful little shit!” his father's voice screamed from memory. “After all I've done for you, all the nice things I've given you –”\\\ The words came before Clint managed to force the Old Man back into his box and slam the lid down tight. He leaned back against the door, shaking slightly from the force of the memory. He'd learned the hard way never to refuse one of his father's 'gifts', the same way he'd learned never to get attached to them. The only thing from his childhood he'd allowed himself to treasure had been a Captain America action figure Barney had scrounged from behind a dumpster and given him for his birthday. Cap's paint had been worn away in places, and his shield had a tendency to break from time to time, but young Clint had patched it up every single time – at least until Barney had taken it away from him not long after they'd joined the circus and Clint had annoyed him one time too many.

No. He'd keep the papers, but he wouldn't sign them. He'd stash them somewhere on his floor where he wouldn't have to constantly be reminded of them. And he'd stay away from the garage, because doubtless Stark had the new car there already and Clint wasn't sure he could resist temptation if he actually saw the car in person.

And if he actually needed a car to get somewhere, //“What do you need?” Loki asked, his voice sweet and helpful, kind and reasonable, the kind of voice anyone would trust –\\\ he'd ask Nat to take him or simply borrow her car. She'd already accepted the car Stark had given her, and had since proved to Stark that she wasn't beholden to him in any way, so there was no danger to be had if he used her car to get around. Besides, so long as he resisted signing those papers, the car wasn't really his, now was it? He gave a shaky laugh at the rhetorical question, despite none of this being funny.

Shoving the papers back into the box with the key, Clint used the roll of industrial-strength duct tape he kept in his kit (there was no end to the stuff's uses on a SHIELD mission. Clint never went on assignment without at least one roll on his person) to seal it down tight, before stashing it in one of the myriad of compartments – just the size to hide a concealed weapon, or two, or even three in some cases – scattered around his floor. Than he opened and closed several other compartments, both full and empty, trying to deliberately forget which one he'd hidden the papers in. It was a loosing battle, Clint knew it before he'd begun. His memory – which SHIELD had honed after he'd been recruited – wouldn't let him forget, the same way he didn't even have to think about which compartment hid which concealed weapon, and which one was closest to him at any given time.

Clint blew out a breath, grabbed his bow and the nearest quiver and stalked to the range. There was an Avengers meeting at HQ in three hours, and he needed to have his head on straight by then or there was a real possibility Fury would bench him. And if that happened, if he were no longer a part of the Avengers... That couldn't happen. Hopefully two and a half hours of shooting would clear his head and calm his nerves enough so that he wouldn't make a complete ass out of himself.

~~~~~~  
Clint's new Car

http://www.menzmag.com/luxury-living/cars/alfa-romeo-4c-plans-foray-into-the-u-s-this-year/

yes, you read that right. Clint's car isn't available in the US right now. No, I don't know how Tony managed that either.


	54. All Night Diner (by kerravon)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My inbox continues to be deluged by awesome. This is great.

The All-Night Diner

(An "Iron Man, Yes, Tony Stark…Not Recommended" AU)

AN: From a plotbunny suggested by chapter 14 of "Misconceptions", altered a little because, hey, AU! I tried to echo some of lilsmartass' actual wording where I could, to give it a more 'legitimate' flavor. I also tried to keep it in present tense as she does, which is not my wont. I was not always successful.

Summary: What if Rhodey met Tony at a diner rather than at the Tower in Chapter 8 of IMY?

 

-A-A-A-A-A-

Rhodey sighs at the level of emotion in Tony's voice; something is badly wrong, and he isn't going to be able to figure it out on the phone. He needs to see his friend in person if he's going to have a prayer of discovering what the hell has been going on in that tower since the Avengers moved in. "I'm coming over," he declares in no uncertain terms.

"You don't need to…" 

The hesitancy in Tony's voice gets all his mental alarm bells ringing. "I'm. Coming. Over." The Lieutenant Colonel emphasizes each word.

The engineer panics. While he desperately wants an answer to his question, to his problems with becoming friends with his teammates, he doesn't want Rhodey in the Tower. There's too much of a chance that he'll run into one of the others, and then find out how badly Tony has screwed this sideways. He can't risk losing his oldest and dearest pal over this, just because he's gotten greedy and tried to befriend his boyhood idol. Thinking quickly, he suggests, "Hey, honeybear? I've been working in the lab and I'm kinda hungry right now. How about I meet you at that all night diner on Fifth? You know, the one with the great burgers?"

Rhodes can hear…something… in Tony's voice, but decides it will wait until they're face to face. "Sure, I could do a burger. Why don't you bring along a few of your latest gizmos, as long as they're reasonably portable? I'd love to see what you've been working on." The best way to get Tony to relax and spill whatever was truly bothering him has always been to get him talking about his tech, then nudge the conversation in the right direction.

"Sure thing!," comes the overly bright reply. The Air Force officer winces at how forced the cheer sounds, and he aches for his friend without even knowing why. At least, not yet.

"See you in half an hour," Rhodes confirms, then stands and starts getting dressed.

Tony runs a greasy hand through his hair and stares around his workshop in a daze. 'What should I bring?,' he thinks desperately. 'I've really only been working on Avenger kit lately, even if they won't accept it from me.' He shuffles over to the cupboard and opens it, rustling tiredly through the contents and picking out a few items that he hastily shoves into a backpack. Nodding, he turns off the lights and locks down the lab, heading towards the garage. Something nondescript tonight; the Audi, perhaps.

-A-A-A-A-A-

Rhodes is already in a booth at the diner when Tony pulls up, easily finding a parking spot near the front given the time of night. The Air Force officer is spotlessly dressed in his Class B uniform, and fixes Tony with a sharply appraising gaze as the billionaire saunters into the restaurant with forced nonchalance. Tossing the pack in ahead of him, he slides quietly onto the bench seat opposite the black man and picks up a menu.

They order their meals with little discussion and, once the waitress places a large cup of coffee in front of each of them and goes to turn in their food request, Tony steels himself for some pointed questioning. After all, he's dragged Rhodey out to a greasy spoon at four in the morning, and he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since he threatened DUM-E.

His friend surprises him though, and just makes normal conversation. "So, what new toys have you created lately?," he asks, sipping his steaming coffee carefully. "Anything fun I can steal?"

The inventor grins despite himself. "Well, Sugarplum, it just so happens that I have a few things right here." Rummaging through his bag, he pulls out two yards of a silky, folded midnight blue cloth and hands the fabric triumphantly to the fighter pilot. "What do you think?" he crows with a grin and a waggling eyebrow.

Rhodes unfolds the material to reveal a soft, six by three foot rectangle that shimmers like satin. Peering over the top of the textile, he cocks a doubtful look at his smug friend. "So…designing new Mess Dress uniforms?," he hazards, only half sarcastically. He hasn't got a clue what he's looking at, and Tony knows it.

The genius' grin widens; he's clearly enjoying showing off. He tilts his head as if considering it. "Not a bad idea. At least, if you tend to get shot while wearing them."

Now Rhodes is thoroughly confused. Wrinkling his nose, he hands the material back to the self-satisfied inventor. "What? I'm clearly missing something."

Stark holds the cloth in front of himself. "You have your Leatherman on you?," he asks as an apparent non sequitur.

"Always," replies the colonel.

"Then stab me."

"What?!" Rhodey keeps his voice down, but it's a near thing.

Tony peeks over the top of the cloth, shit-eating grin firmly in place. "Stab me. Through the material, though. Going around it would be cheating." 

Rhodey is so relieved to see the man behaving in his normal (crazy) fashion that he decides to humor him. In one smooth motion he pulls his multi-tool from its sheath on his belt, flips open the knife blade, and lunges at the engineer. Tony jerks the material up in front of his face as the knife slides effortlessly to the side. The colonel's brows draw together in surprise. "What the…?"

The former weapons manufacturer hands the cloth back towards him proudly. "Body armor. Particularly made to look like normal clothes. It even deflects my repulsors!"

Rhodes reexamines the fabric with serious interest now. "Really?," he breathes in awe. "Flame, bullets, knives?"

"Acids and bases, too." Tony leans back and takes a slug of his own coffee, grimacing at the bitterness. 

"You'll probably want to change it to Air Force blue; this looks like it would make a beautiful ballgown, but I don't see men going into combat draped in it." Rhodey's joking, but notes the inventor's suppressed flinch at the remark. His eyes narrow in suspicion. "You already made a dress, didn't you. For…Black Widow, right? What happened?" 

The colonel's tone is firm, and Tony wilts a little under the knowing gaze, reminded of why they were here in the first place. Staring downwards in shame, he twists a corner of the material in his hands nervously as he mumbles, "Yeah, and a bunch of other spy gizmos, too."

When it becomes obvious that he isn't going to elaborate, Jim lowers his voice coaxingly. He swears sometimes Tony is like a wounded woodland creature. "Spy gizmos?"

"A purse full of sabotage materials, acids, poisons; a locator beacon necklace; hose that unravels to become rope… I even made shoes her size that had knives in the soles."

Rhodey snorts at that. They'd had more than a few 'Wild, Wild West' marathons in college. Tony quirks up a corner of his lip wryly. "What can I say? I couldn't help myself."

"Well, she must have loved it." The Air Force officer had met Natasha once, and this equipment sounds right up her alley. If nothing else, it would certainly be useful.

"She hasn't seen it," grouses Tony unhappily.

The colonel suppresses his instinctive response of 'Why not', and instead asks carefully, "What happened?"

"Well, I went by her room with that box of toys the night she was heading out to her current mission, but she wasn't in. I had to be at a benefit for Pepper and needed to be on time to show Fury that I can be reliable, so I left it in front of her door with a note to ask JARVIS. He could have walked her through everything since he'd helped me develop it. Anyway, Barton found the box first and opened it, then accused me of trying to seduce his girlfriend!" Tony tries to look offended, but only manages shame.

The colonel snorted. "What was he smoking? Last I checked, body armor and shoe knives weren't considered all that romantic, and certainly not seduction material, no matter how beautifully made. If I know you, you just wanted to keep her safe on her mission." He smiled encouragingly. "What did she say when she got back?"

"She hasn't yet. She's still gone, and Barton's probably tossed the stuff anyway." Tony grumbles, but can't quite hide the raw hurt in his voice.

"What? He would throw out his girlfriend's gift? Even if she wasn't called 'The Black Widow', that isn't wise." He frowned and turned serious. "Have you talked to Rogers about this? He's the leader of the Avengers; he should take care of this sort of misbehavior in his command." LTC Rhodes is in problem-solving mode.

Tony can't meet his eyes, just keeps staring fixedly at his now-empty coffee cup. "Rogers was there when Barton hit me; he pulled him off, saying that although I deserved a beating, I wasn't worth Hawkeye feeling bad if he killed me." He holds up a hand to halt Rhodey's automatic outraged exclamation. "They never gave me a chance to clarify things, so I stayed in my lab out of their way. I accidentally ran into Rogers…yesterday now, I guess… and, when I tried again to explain, he jumped back like I'd molested him and accused me of trying to sleep with him to get on the team. That's why I called you. I just want them to like me, but somehow I keep fucking it all up." The babbling peters off into a shamed mumble as he turns the coffee cup around absently.

The colonel doubts that this is all Tony's fault, no matter what the other man says. Despite his armor of arrogance, the genius is astoundingly insecure, and tends to take responsibility for everything that goes wrong around him, including the common cold. A thousand questions were whirling through his head, but he starts with the most obvious first. "To get on the team? But I thought you were an Avenger already?"

Tony huffs in a self-deprecating manner and fiddles with the napkin holder. "Yeah, I did too. When Agent brought me all the stuff on the Tesseract, I thought… but Fury says I'm too undependable, too out of control. Apparently I've always just been a 'consultant', even though they call me for all the battles." Their plates of food arrive just then, as well as coffee refills, and Tony falls silent as he stares at his untouched burger.

"You almost died, Tones, saving all of Manhattan! And that's not good enough to be an Avenger? This is fucked up." It's all Rhodes can think to say, but seems to sum it up nicely. There are clearly a lot of details that have been omitted from their brief conversation, but the engineer looks like he might either fly into a rage or break down completely if he continues, so Jim doesn't push.

"I know I am," Tony replies, clearly deep into guilt land. So…. break down it is, then.

"That's not what I said. Tell you what; let's eat our food, get some more coffee, wait for the sun to come up, then go kick some 'superhero' ass, what do you say?" He puts a little light-hearted lilt into his words, but he means every one of them. "If nothing else, Rogers and I need to have a little talk."

Tony just nods, evidently too tired to do anything else. Rhodey wonders how long it's been since he's gotten any real sleep, or eaten a decent meal. He watches his despondent friend push his food around his plate dispiritedly, then decides, 'Right. Time for a distraction.'

"Soooo…..," he begins suggestively, making certain to take a big bite of his burger as Tony looks up at him. Jerking his head towards the satchel, he continues, "What else you bring to show me?"

Tony blinks owlishly at the bag for a moment before the words register and he looks sideways at the pilot, a smile playing on his lips acknowledging that the topic change was intentional, but welcome. He doesn't call him on it, and instead pulls out a lightweight folding bow he'd made Barton along with the arrows that had been returned. As he does so, a piece of paper flutters to the table top, landing directly in front of Rhodey.

"What's this?," the pilot asks as he picks it up.

"Nothing!," Tony exclaims, trying to reclaim the note.

Too late; the colonel has always been a fast reader. He pulls it slightly out of the engineer's reach as he rereads it in disbelief. "Barton… returned Starktech? Starktech that was specifically designed for him?!?" The fighter pilot fixes his disbelieving gaze on his shamefaced friend. "Are you guys sure Loki didn't break his brain or something? I'm serious. Because that's just crazy."

Tony snorts and allows himself a small smile. "Well, I thought so, too. This was the first thing they returned, not wanting to be 'beholden' to me. I'm not stupid; I can learn. I couldn't stop making better kit, but after a while I just stopped sending it to them; just stuffed it in a cupboard. I figure when Bruce gets back, he can pretend he made it. They might accept presents from Brucie." The inventor looks pensive at the thought.

"Tony, no." Rhodes' stern tone brooks no argument, and Tony's head jerks up, eyes dark and wide and vulnerable in a way that just infuriates his friend. "If they can't have the common decency to accept a gift politely and say 'thank you', then they don't deserve to have it."

The billionaire flashes him a warm, amused smile. "That's what JARVIS said," he comments. "My friends are ganging up on me."

Just then the front window explodes inward, showering the diner's patrons with shards of glittering glass. As people scream and stampede for the back door, Tony dives for his pack, snatching a wristband out and tossing it to Rhodes, who is already drawing his sidearm. "Put that on!" he demands. The colonel decides that arguing would take more time than just humoring the genius, so he does. The instant it's on his wrist, Tony touches a button on the side and…

Rhodey is holding Captain America's shield.

It isn't, really. It's transparent and popped up out of a watchband, so it isn't the original. But it can be separated from the micro-generator that's powering it, and the military man has no doubt that it has the same heft, aerodynamics, and protective properties as the one Rogers lugs everywhere.

"I made that for Cap," Tony hastily explains as he drapes the blue fabric over his chest and back, then snatches up the bow and quiver of arrows. "The force shield has pretty much the same capabilities as the original vibranium, with the advantage of portability. One of the things I plan on getting Bruce to distribute later." Ignoring Rhodey's frown, he gestures towards the destroyed window and the mayhem audible outside. "Shall we?" he grins.

"Let's." Rhodey answers his tired smile with a smirk of his own, and the two heroes head for the chaos.

-A-A-A-A-A-

Steve and Clint have been waiting for Stark in the common room for only two hours, but rather than calm down, the archer seems angrier by the minute. Rogers is getting ready to take a chance with the robot… computer… butler thing sending the billionaire a message, even though he's probably still asleep in bed, because waiting is looking like less and less of a good idea. Hawkeye is pacing the length of the room with controlled rage, agitatedly muttering to himself under his breath. Steve has just opened his mouth to address the issue when his phone beeps, loud and insistent.

'Saved by the bell,' he thinks with relief, then his stomach plummets. It's Nick Fury. That can't bode well this time of night. If they have to assemble, he's not sure he can keep Barton in line and professional towards Stark, especially not if the other man mouths off to him. He flips open the phone with a feeling of dread.

"Director." He keeps his voice calm and tries to sound ready for action.

"Rogers. Barton there with you?" Fury sounds…. well, furious. His words are cold, precise, and oh so angry.

Steve pulls himself to attention automatically, noting Barton's gaze riveting on him as he does so. "Yes, sir. But if we're assembling, I'll need to locate Stark…"

The Director bites off a snarl. "I know where Stark is; I just want to know why you two aren't with him."

"Sir?" Steve groans internally. 'What's Stark done now?' he thinks, even though he hasn't actually had to deal with any of the billionaire's public misbehaviors himself. He's heard enough from Hill to know that it had to happen sooner or later. If nothing else, at least he's kept the man off the team.

Fury barks loudly enough for Clint to hear him as well. "Turn on News 4, then get your butts down here to SHIELD headquarters. I want you two in my office within the hour!" The line goes dead without waiting for an acknowledgement.

"What's Stark done this time?" growls Clint as he grabs the television remote and flips to the correct channel.

The screen fills with pandemonium, and the text in the corner indicates that it's live. A somewhat disheveled young woman stands center screen, microphone to her lips, while behind her is a sea of flashing lights from fire trucks, police cars, and ambulances. Two angry young men in odd shaped handcuffs are being muscled into a prisoner transport vehicle by several officers, and firefighters are just getting the upper hand on a blaze that seems to have destroyed a building to the reporter's right. 'What the…?' Steve is ready to suit up and go, but the newswoman's words start to sink in.

"…destroyed three city blocks were halted by the heroic actions of these two men. Lieutenant Colonel Rhodes, if I may have a word?"

The camera swings left to focus on a strong, powerfully built black man in an Air Force uniform seated on the back of an ambulance as an EMT finishes bandaging his forehead. The man's uniform is torn, his face bloodied, but his expression is impatient rather than dazed or injured. Forcibly bringing himself under control, he nods once, smartly, then says, "Certainly, but please keep it brief. I'd like to go check on my friend." 

'Rhodes…Rhodes… Now why does that name sound familiar?' Steve is certain he should know, but he's been so worried about Clint that he can't seem to concentrate tonight.

"Of course, I understand. You two went to college together, correct?" She honestly sounds sympathetic, which has not been Steve's experience with the media of this future.

"Yeah, MIT."

Clint realizes at the same moment Steve does, and blurts, "That's Stark's friend, uh, War Machine." Stunned at the implications, he drops heavily onto the couch in front of the television, eyes glued to the set. Steve pauses momentarily, then joins him.

"Can you tell us what happened?"

Rhodes nods polite thanks to the medic, then stands up next to the reporter, automatically assuming a semblance of parade rest. "Tony and I were having a snack and going over some of his latest inventions when all the windows in the diner blew in." He shrugged. "We grabbed whatever we had at hand that we could use as a weapon and went to see how we could help."

The news feed switches to some shaky camera footage that had been taken earlier, possibly by a cell phone. Several heavily armed men can be seen pushing a number of terrified citizens to the pavement as flames billow out of a building next to them. Suddenly, an arrow goes through the Kevlar vest one of the more violent men is wearing, dropping him to the ground and allowing a few of the civilians to flee to safety. The camera swings back to the source of the shot to reveal a scruffy, bruised Tony Stark letting fly with a second shot that drops another one of the terrorists. He's holding a lightweight, folding bow and a quiver of arrows, and is oddly draped in a shiny, blue material that Steve recognizes as matching that of Natasha's confiscated dress. Clint notices it, too, then leans forward, frowning at the screen in concentration. The criminals are firing back at the unarmored man, and they both realize that the bullets are bouncing off the blue fabric.

"Oh my god…" The archer trails off as he realizes that the beautiful gown he prevented Natasha from having was actually body armor that was so subtly made that she'd be able to wear it on any covert op. 

Steve is aghast. He remembers the small square of material that he had so viciously destroyed, that Natasha had punctured. Clint said that he'd been praying that Stark would make Natasha something that would protect her when Clint couldn't, and Stark had. A wave of shame washes through him at the realization. He'd allowed a trained assassin to attack an unarmed civilian whose only crime was to try and protect someone he cared about, at least a little bit. His mind flits back to that night; no wonder Stark thought they were mind controlled! Who in their right mind would get angry at such a thoughtful, useful gift? He then winces, recalling with embarrassment their adamant refusal to let Stark explain, and wonders what the other items in the box actually are. He'd wager a week's salary that they, too, are more than meets the eye.

Barton's face is a mixture of terror and dismay. "What if she gets hurt?" he whispers. "What if that dress could have saved her?"

Steve prays fervently that Natasha comes home safe and sound, otherwise the archer might never forgive himself. 

The scene on the television freezes, then shrinks and drops into a corner of the screen as the live image of LTC Rhodes and the newswoman return. "So, I take it some of the inventions that you were discussing were for his team? That bow looks like it might be meant for a rather famous archer, and that shield you're carrying," the camera focuses temporarily on a transparent version of Steve's shield clutched tightly in the military man's right fist, "Might be destined for a certain Captain?" She smiles encouragingly.

Colonel Rhodes, however, suddenly turns cold and distant. "Actually," he corrects her, "Tony is only a consultant for the Avengers. He builds them tech, supplies them with room and board, but isn't actually included in any of the team strategy sessions or training activities." Steve flushes at the words, recalling not only the meetings and trust-building exercises that Stark had been excluded from, but all the invitations Stark had extended that they had privately ridiculed and publicly declined.

The reporter is flustered. "But… with all the press conferences after the alien invasion, we were under the impression…"

Rhodes actually warms to her honest confusion. "So was Mr. Stark. He was only recently disabused of that notion, and that was one of the items we were discussing when these men so rudely interrupted or meal." He gestures behind himself at the flashing lights. "I suspect that Ms. Potts will be arranging a press conference in the near future…." he trails off distractedly, staring at the few remaining ambulances. Steve can hear the "if he survives" as loudly as if LTC Rhodes had actually spoken the words.

"So all the rebuilding that Mr. Stark financed in the name of the Avengers?," the reporter asks pointedly.

Rhodey shoots her a shark-like grin that doesn't reach his eyes. "Can actually be attributed to the generosity of Mr. Stark alone. Since he apparently isn't an Avenger, you'll just have to address your 'thank you' cards to 'Iron Man' instead."

The reporter nods, then decides to move to safer subjects. "I suspect most of our viewers are curious as to the nature of the blue material Mr. Stark was wearing. I didn't know Iron Man was trying out the 'caped crusader' look."

The lieutenant colonel flashes a brief grin at her words. "That 'material' is the most impressive piece of technological development I've seen in a while. It's body armor that is thin and pliable enough to be worn as normal clothing, but repels bullets, knives, flames, acids, and grenades. Since I'm Stark Industries military liaison, he was showing me a sample when we suddenly had the opportunity for a live demonstration." 

The reporter looks confused. "If the material is so revolutionary, why is Mr. Stark currently in an ambulance on the way to a hospital?"

A black cloud of equal parts worry and anger settles over the colonel's face. "Even the best armor in the world only protects what it covers," he growls, then brings the interview to a close. "Speaking of which, I need to go check on him. If you'll excuse me?"

"Certainly. Thank you for speaking with us." The news switches to the next story, so Clint flips off the set. There's a long moment where the two Avengers stare at each other in dismay before jumping to their feet and heading for the garage.

-A-A-A-A-A-

"What the hell has been going on at that Tower?" demands Fury the instant they step into his office. Rogers winces in guilt and shame at the tone, but he knows he deserves it. It didn't help that the fastest way to reach SHIELD had been the car Stark had so generously given Clint, knowing that he could drive the others when necessary. Like tonight. The entire trip had been occupied with worry for Stark coupled with a mental recounting of all the insensitive, unfair things he had said and done to the man. Steve feels like he's about ready to hide away in shame. Still, he needs to know Stark's status before he can indulge himself.

"Begging your pardon, sir, but could you provide an update on Stark's condition before we proceed? It sounds like he was seriously injured."

Fury raises his eye from his desk, glares at them, then nods. "Bullet wound to the head. Initial examination indicates that it didn't penetrate his skull, probably because it's so thick, but he's been in and out of consciousness since the incident. That raises a concern for intracranial bleeding, so he is in the CT scanner as we speak. The one time he woke up when I was present, he made a snide remark about the lengths to which he'd go to visit Agent Coulson, so I'd say his mental faculties were intact."

Clint flinches at that, paling. "We didn't mean…" he began, only to be cut off by Fury. 

"Did you know that Agent Coulson was his babysitter when he was dying of Palladium poisoning?" he asks conversationally. "Surprisingly enough, they actually became friends." The Director snorts in amusement as he recalls, "Stark has a reputation for being unable to remember names, which is complete bullshit. Coulson said so, so to this day he persists in calling the man 'Agent' rather than Phil."

'Was there anything about Stark that they hadn't misunderstood?,' Steve wonders in despair. 

"Still, that's not why I called you in. Initially I wanted to discuss how Stark managed to respond to an incident without either of you being notified, but Colonel Rhodes cleared that up on live television." He grimaces. "Despite the man's professionalism, this is going to be a shit storm. You saw the interview?"

Steve nods, unable to speak through his mortification.

"I'm going to have our PR department contact you both later today, and Agent Romanov once she returns from her assignment. Even if Stark and Potts play this close to the chest and decline to discuss it publicly, there will be questions…lots of questions. As Stark's status with the Initiative is now open knowledge, he's not going to be able to be the spokesperson for the team, which means," he fixes the Captain with a razor-sharp stare, "You have a lot of press conferences in your future, Captain. Better get some sleep. Dismissed."

Steve could only nod his silent acceptance as Clint leads him out of the office. Once in the corridor, Steve turns his shell-shocked gaze towards the archer, who shifts uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "What have we done?," he asks plaintively.

"Fucked up," Clint replies, direct and precise.

Steve barks a laugh that almost sounds like a sob, drags a shaking hand over his face, then pulls himself together with visible effort. "Let's go see how Stark is doing," he suggests quietly, and the pair shuffle down the corridor towards Medbay.

-A-A-A-A-A-

It turns out that Stark has a rather severe concussion and a scalp laceration, but no bleeding in his brain or other injuries. Steve smiles as he thinks about the ruckus the billionaire will raise once he discovers that they had to shave some of his hair to put stitches in the wound. He's already been moved from the triage area to a private room, so they get the room number and go to see him.

They are greeted with a closed door and a furious LTC Rhodes. He's cleaned up and in loaner SHIELD sweats, but is still recognizably the man from the television. He stands straighter as they approach and crosses his arms over his chest as he scowls silently at them. They come to a stop in front of the door which the fighter pilot is actively blocking with his body. Through the glass observation panel Steve can see Stark lying in a bed, unnaturally still, surrounded by as much medical equipment as Coulson. He appears unconscious or asleep, with dark hollows beneath his eyes and his head swaddled in gauze. His left eye is covered with a bruise that swells it shut, and there are several similar contusions and abrasions scattered over most of his exposed visible skin. An IV runs into the back of his left hand, and a disheveled Pepper Potts sits in a chair by his side.

"Can I help you?," growls Stark's friend, and Steve startles back to meet his rage-filled eyes.

"Um, yes. We'd like to visit Mr. Stark. I'm Steve Rog…"

"I know who you are," snarls Rhodes venomously. "Tony's so-called 'teammates'. I also know what you've done, at least some of it."

Steve drops his eyes to the floor in shame, but Clint is riled by the perceived attack. "What, Stark a tattle-tale as well?," he taunts before he remembers himself. Steve closes his eyes in embarrassment; he's let Clint get away with verbally abusing Stark for so long that it's become second nature to the man, even now when they are discovering how wrong they've been.

Rhodey snorts derisively. "Hardly. The only reason I even have an inkling is because I've known Tony for so many years that I can hear what he's not saying almost as loudly as what he does. That, and he tends to be a lot more honest when badly concussed - he can't concentrate enough for his usual verbal sleight-of-hand."

"'Tends to be'?" Steve asks in alarm. "Has this happened before?"

Rhodes gives him a questioning look. "He was Iron Man for a long time before he tried to join your little boy band, Captain. Didn't you read his file? If Coulson gave Tony files on all the members of the Initiative, I'm certain he gave them to you as well."

"Stark hacked our files!," exclaims Clint defensively before Steve could answer.

Rhodes just lifts an eyebrow. "That's just because he returned them when asked, not having had the chance to study them. However, apparently after you people moved in he made an innocuous joke that hit a sore spot with you, Agent Barton, and Agent Romanov literally threatened to kill him if he did it again. Out of self-defense he reacquired the files to try and avoid any other sore spots. He reasoned that since you had all read his and he had been given yours to read but hadn't, _it was his fault that he was being terrorized with death threats in his own home."_ This last bit is hissed out furiously as the Air Force officer drops his arms to his sides and clenches his fists so tightly that they turn white. "Imagine his surprise when he 'did his homework', discovering Agent Coulson's continued existence in the process, and then was ostracized for it!"

Clint's eyes widen to saucers as the truth of the matter sinks in. No, it wasn't the typical way people interacted, but Stark seems to have the social skills of a sentient toaster. The way Rhodes put it, it makes perfect sense.

"He…kept giving us stuff, trying to buy his way onto the team," Clint tries weakly as his preconceived assumptions about the billionaire continue to crumble to dust.

"That's just Tony. He likes to give things to people he cares about; things they might like or need, things to keep them safe. Maybe you should try to get to know him before you condemn him for just being nice." He snorted. "Trust me. If he tries to bribe you, it won't be that subtle. A checkbook will probably be involved."

"So…the things we saw on television?" Steve hazards.

Rhodes grunts, annoyed. "Yeah, made to keep his…well, I can't use the word teammates, can I? … his 'associates' safe. Even when you started returning things, not wanting to 'owe' him any favors, he just kept making stuff. A portable energy shield for Cap, a bow that folds down to the size of a wallet with a twenty-five pound pull, arrows which were returned, body armor for the Widow which you confiscated and possibly discarded…shall I continue?"

"Why did he think we didn't want the equipment?" asks Rogers in surprise.

The pilot flings a balled note at Steve's chest. "Maybe he got the idea from this. Or maybe it was the beating he received for the body armor and knife-shoes!"

Steve flushes as he opens the paper and Clint peers over his shoulder. Rhodes just looks daggers at him from where he still stands blocking the doorway. The terse memo is in Natasha's precise lettering informing Stark that SHIELD R&D was responsible for their equipment, and that the upgraded arrows were being returned so that there would be no awkward expectations later, as well as a request to stop giving them things unless ordered to do so by Fury.

Clint looks shocked. "Why…why would Nat…"

Steve remembers her mentioning this. "She thought you couldn't handle it, Clint. You already felt you owed Stark so much, yet you resented him at the same time…" he trails off helplessly. Clint looks like he's been stabbed.

Rogers turns dead, guilty eyes to meet Rhodes' angry, narrowed ones. "We're not going to be able to visit him right now, are we?" he asks. He'd really like to make sure that Howard's boy is all right after being in a battle that Steve hadn't even known about, but he understands why this man might not want them anywhere near his friend.

The Lieutenant Colonel's mouth quirks sardonically and he nods once. "I see we understand each other, Captain. His condition is such that he's not ready for general visitors yet, just family. Right now, that means me and Pepper, since he has no one else." He starts to return to the room, but turns, hand on the knob, and fixes a steely eye on Rogers. "He wanted it to be you guys, too. He tried so very hard. Do you know why we were really in that diner, Captain? The equipment was only an excuse." He shakes his head sadly. "He called me at three in the morning because he wanted me to tell him how to get you ingrates to like him."

With that, he opens the door and disappears inside. Steve and Clint can only stare at the closed entrance in humiliation.

The End


	55. Fanfic: Tag-Team SCIENCE! (by lilsmartass)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ridiculous tiltle is because I'm absurdly fond of these mash-ups when they do them on Wheel of Fortune.
> 
> Also, HAH! I found it!

“What are you doing?”

Tony didn’t look up from his self appointed task. “I’m filling Cap’s shoes with peanut butter.”

Bruce watched in silence for a moment. “Okay. Why?”

Still, Tony didn’t look up, carefully using his finger to push a glob of the sticky golden substance off the tablespoon. “Someone put the idea in his suggestion box.”

Tony’s inflection is totally flat. Bruce swallows. He doesn’t remember a great deal of last night. He remembers Jim bringing a bottle of tequila, and them drinking it while Tony refused to come out of his lab because he was “Working, dammit. I need to get this finished before the SI meeting on Wednesday.” He remembers them roundly abusing Steve and Clint from their behaviour, and hadn’t he told Jim that Steve had joked about a suggestion box for how to make this situation worse. 

His insides freeze. “Tony-” he starts to explain.

Tony looks up, a wicked smirk curling his mouth. He puts the spoon in the now empty jar of peanut butter and reaches into his pocket, pulling out a large handful of paper strips, all covered with near-illegible handwriting. “Some of these have great ideas. I’m going to do them all.”

Bruce feels his own smile stretching to match. “I’ll help,” he says at once, promising himself that after this he’ll count Tony as even with the others. Some of the ideas he and Jim had come up with were bound to be evil.


	56. Fanfic: Pepper Gets a Clue (by kerravon)

Pepper Gets A Clue  
By kerravon  
(An AU 'Missing Scene' from the end of "Paved With Good Intentions")

"JARVIS showed her all the footage he had acquired with a glee she thought a bit unbecoming of an AI, and she is not inclined to be sympathetic to someone who has hurt her Tony." - from Cuts and Bruises, Chapter 3

 

“Welcome to the Avengers,” muttered Clint, crossing his arms over his chest defensively as he slumped impossibly further into his chair, “drama, angst and now apparently, penguins.”  
The Captain stood with self assurance, despite his continued apparent embarrassment at the results of his recent actions. He stuck out his hand towards Tony, whose eyes flashed up in surprise from where they had settled once more on his own which were folded on the table. “Welcome to the Avengers,” the blonde echoed, gaze steady on the billionaire. After a moment, Tony tentatively grasped it, almost as if he were expecting the fingers to change into venomous snakes and strike out at him. When nothing other than a firm handshake resulted, he smiled shyly at the super soldier, pleased at the acceptance.

Pepper narrowed her eyes in suspicion as she watched the interplay between Tony and Captain Rogers, a frown pulling at her lip. 'Welcome to the Avengers'? She clenched her jaw so tight she almost broke a molar. 'How DARE he? Tony has sacrificed more for this team than Steve Rogers can hope to comprehend, yet he has the audacity to WELCOME Tony to the Avengers now? REALLY?' 

Looking at the pair of them infuriated her on a visceral level. For all his professed shame, the still unbowed Captain was standing, leaning over Tony so that the cringing engineer was forced to look upwards to meet his eyes. It was as blatant a power play as Potts had ever witnessed, and was all the worse for being unrecognized by either man. She felt hot rage at her Tony being reduced to automatically subjugating himself to another human being, no matter how much he wanted to be accepted. 

She flashed a quick glance at Rhodes, who appeared just as unhappy as Pepper as he glared at the current interchange. Mouth set to a grim line as he made a decision, the Air Force Colonel stood forcefully, shoving his chair back. Roger's eyes widened slightly as he glimpsed the fury still painting the other man's face, but by the time Tony had swung around to look, Rhodes was all soft, reassuring smiles. Placing his hands on the exhausted genius' shoulders, he gently levered him to his feet as he remarked, "Well, now that that's straightened out, how about you and I go grab some lunch?" It was obvious to Pepper that Rhodes had decided that taking care of his old friend was more important than revenge, at least for the time being. That was fine by Ms. Potts; it gave her the freedom to start taking care of 'Captain America' and his little band of bullies. 

Tony's eyes were dark pools as he stared at his friend, then nodded submissively and turned towards the door. Jim wrapped a reassuring arm around his shoulders, talking in low tones and steering him out of the room while simultaneously shooting Pepper a meaningful look. Potts nodded her head once in a determined silent promise of retribution, which made Rhodes quirk a smile in reply. They were agreed; for now, he would take care of Tony, while she took care of…everything else. A vicious satisfaction curled low in her gut. Oh yes, this was going to be a pleasure.

"If you'll excuse me? I have a company to run." She was fiercely gratified by the way all three of the SHIELD lackeys suddenly focused on her, and imperceptibly straightened. Good. Perhaps they were coming to an understanding. She made no attempt to hide her disdain as she swept out, mind already on the task ahead. She had some research to do.

-A-A-A-A-

Pepper waited until she was sequestered behind the locked doors of her office before acting. She had her secretary clear her schedule and gave strict instructions not to be disturbed unless it was an emergency, or Mr. Stark. The CEO instinctively recognized that, in his current state of mind, the insecure genius would perceive having to leave a message as a rejection from one more person important to him, and Pepper refused to risk it. She had worked for the billionaire for far too many years not to know instantly when he was hiding something, and had a sinking feeling that right now he was concealing the depth to which his feelings had been shattered. The way he'd sat in the conference room, curled in on himself and leaning the tiniest bit towards Rhodes' stalwart support in the chair next to him, belied his verbal bravado and snark and instead suggested insecurity, if not outright fear. Of course, Tony would have his tongue ripped out before admitting to the emotions pouring from his all-too-expressive eyes. The overwhelming impression of not being good enough, of expecting rejection, was the most disturbing to Pepper. This was a man who had changed the world a dozen times over, had said "no" to the United States government and walked away with his head held high, had rescued himself from a cave in Afghanistan by making a flying battle suit out of miscellaneous scraps of armaments. This man had frank, often brutally honest discussions with Presidents and Generals, irregardless of the personal fallout. To see him so…hesitant, so desperate for approval, was just wrong on so many levels. The unconscious flit of his hand to his chest to cover the arc reactor every time Rogers' mouth opened spoke volumes about where those feelings originated.

Rogers had been an unexpected a chink in the Tony Stark's personal armor, inadvertently created long before the genius could even read or write. A distant father's praise for this 'paragon of virtue' had established the man's infallibility and goodness back when Tony was young enough to still believe that Daddy knew everything. This impression had been cemented in the years following his disillusionment with Howard by Peggy Carter, a woman to this day who still had a place near and dear to his heart as 'Auntie Peggy'. Her fond rose-colored reminiscences of the Captain undoubtedly portrayed him in an unrealistically flattering light, but Pepper couldn't find it in her heart to begrudge the stories; after all, Tony's godmother had been one of the few people to ever unconditionally love him as a child. To this day, visits from Peggy were still sacrosanct; the engineer would drop everything to spend time with her whenever she showed up, and listen to her tales with the wide-eyed wonder of a child. For the 'Captain' to abuse this hero worship to the point where Tony looked so defeated…

Ms. Potts' lips thinned grimly. Activating her private server, she schooled her voice to hide her anger; she didn't want her own feelings to influence the AI's response. "JARVIS?" she asked politely.

"Yes, Miss Potts," came the instantaneous reply.

"JARVIS, I just had an interesting meeting with Mr. Stark, Colonel Rhodes, Miss Romanov, Mr. Barton, and Captain Rogers. It appears that some unpleasantness has occurred within the group. Is that correct?"

A pause, then, "Yes, Miss Potts."

"As CEO of Stark Industries, I am of the habit of identifying corporate threats and formulating both appropriate responses and deterrents. To do so requires as much hard data as I can obtain. I am very effective at this method of problem-solving, as you well know." Her polite tones became laced with steel. "Therefore, I need all the factual information I can retrieve concerning Mr. Stark's interactions with the Avengers. Has he classified any of the security footage recorded in the tower since his so-called teammates moved in?"

JARVIS sounded uncommonly pleased as he replied, "No ma'am, he has not."

Pepper allowed herself a small smile at that, then continued, "What about the high-level security feeds? The ones to his quarters, his garage, and his labs? Am I still authorized access?" She held her breath unconsciously; it was entirely possible Tony had revoked her clearances after her tearful confession prior to fleeing the Tower the night of their breakup.

"Your access has not changed in any aspect for the past eleven months," came the truly smug answer. So, not since Tony had bequeathed her the position of CEO at SI. She sighed in relief, then got down to business.

"Based on your lengthy experience of various human interactions with Mr. Stark, can you show me footage of the first time the others' responses appeared to deviate from norm?"

"Certainly." Pepper's monitor sprung to life with a video of Tony standing outside the elevator on the common floor, the man fairly vibrating with excitement and bouncing on his toes. She paused the screen, then centered on him and magnified it, noting with concern the dark circles beneath his eyes, the deeper-than-usual hollows in his cheeks, the unkempt spikes of hair, the rumpled shirt and trousers. He hadn't been taking care of himself.

"JARVIS, what is the time-stamp on this?"

"Just over six weeks ago, when Agents Barton, Romanov, and Captain Rogers were ordered to move into the tower. This is the day they arrived."

Pepper's brows creased. "Did you say, 'ordered'? It wasn't their choice?" She knew that Tony had been planning on creating whole personalized floors for each of his supposed 'teammates', then inviting them to move into the Tower, but didn't expect him to try and force the issue if they declined.

"Sir informed me that Director Fury had ordered them to move into his home, and had ordered Sir to house them. Since it had been his plan all along to offer, he simply accelerated the construction without lodging any objections."

Ms. Potts tapped a manicured nail on the image of the weary man on the screen. "How long had it been since he slept?"

"At the time of that footage, he had been awake almost continuously for four days. The Director gave him a three day deadline for readiness after a full day of clearing rubble for publicity. It took not inconsiderable effort on his part to achieve the appointed goals." 

Pepper's eyebrows crawled into her scalp in surprise. Why in the world had Tony permitted that? And what was Fury thinking? The group was going to show up with a collective chip on their shoulder the size of a two-by-four! She restarted the video and watched, as expected, a cluster of three very wary superheroes exit the elevator. 

"Welcome to Diagon Alley,” Tony greeted them, gesturing around the room. They all glared stonily back, but Tony didn't notice, still quivering with barely-suppressed excitement and four days of caffeine-fueled sleep deprivation. She smiled fondly, even as she shook her head in despair. The inventor could be a little overwhelming once he reached this point, and it was even worse when he'd spent the time making gifts for people he liked. Unfortunately, it was painfully obvious that he liked these people, and desperately wanted them to like him back. He had already spent countless hours on the blueprints of each individualized floor prior to her departure; he no doubt spared no expense to realize these plans in the extremely limited time Fury had given them. They didn't know it yet, but they were each moving into a custom-made piece of heaven with a view of Manhattan to die for.

She frowned as she watched the tour continue. Rather than being appreciative, the three 'heroes' became progressively more withdrawn and sullen, bunching together as if Tony were about to attack them. The billionaire subconsciously picked up on the hostile vibes and tried to make small talk to break the ice. The others seemed to deliberately misconstrue every friendly overture and comment he made as an aspersion, and practically threw his offer of lunch in his face as they headed for the exit, pointedly leaving him behind. The lost, inadequate expression that flitted across his face at their rejection tore her heart in two, and she silently watched his shoulders slump in defeat as he retreated to his lab.

Blinking back tears, she swallowed twice before she trusted her voice to address the AI without cracking. "JARVIS, do you have any other examples of this behavior to show me?"

The computer's voice was dry. "It's been over six weeks. There are innumerable examples. Please be more specific."

The CEO's eyes narrowed dangerously. Of course there were. "Why don't we start with the dress he made for Natasha? He called me for my input on that." She remembered the conversation. By her estimation, the Avengers had already been ungratefully sponging off Tony for a number of weeks by that time. Her brow creased in concern; she had asked him at the time why he didn't simply ask Natasha herself, and he'd blown her off with some tripe about geniuses presenting completed masterpieces. But now she had to wonder… "Actually, JARVIS, could you show me the feed from when he made that call to me?"

JARVIS…paused, which sent alarms ringing in her gut. She almost asked again if it was classified when her screen flared to life, showing the lab. Pepper gasped audibly. The lab was a mess, more so than she'd ever seen it. Rather than the haphazard collection twenty or thirty different ongoing problems in various states of development, the place looked like it had been torn apart by a hurricane, and was in the process of slowly being put to rights. "What happened?", she hissed in surprise.

The computer took it as an honest query. "Sir had returned four days previously from attending an Avengers meeting to which he had not been invited. Apparently Director Fury and Captain Rogers both informed Sir that his presence wasn't requested as he was not an Avenger, merely a consultant, which was not information Sir had been privy to prior to that point. Agent Barton reportedly expanded on that statement to indicate that Sir was in actuality only their butler, useful for providing accommodations and nothing else."

Pepper saw red; closing her eyes, she took several deep, calming breaths before continuing. "You said 'reportedly', JARVIS. How do you know Barton said this? Tony doesn't have you monitoring the SHIELD security cameras, does he?" She certainly hoped not, otherwise this was going to get complicated.

"No, Miss Potts. I accrued the information both from subsequent comments made by the others upon their return, as well as Sirs…rants…over the next several hours."

Pepper nodded, relieved. Gesturing to the frozen scene, she continued, "So, how did this happen?"

JARVIS reluctantly admitted, "Sir was…distraught. Apparently the Director perceived Sir as 'out of control', therefore unsuitable to be an Avenger, and indicated that it had to do with… your departure. Sir extrapolated that to mean that you also thought he was out of control, and that was the real reason that you left. He proceeded to drink to excess, then violently dismantle the entire workshop. In the process he tried to take DUM-E apart and make him 'work right', since 'nothing he ever did worked right'."

Pepper jolted in shock. Tony treated his robots like his children. For him to be upset enough to attack one of them, and for Fury to imply that there was something wrong with Tony that had caused her to leave… Once she was done with Rogers and 'the Avengers', the Director was next on her hit list. She had been meticulously careful with her words at the time of the breakup, making absolutely certain that there was no way for Tony to misunderstand and internalize the blame into himself, as he tended to do. It was the risks he took with the Iron Man that were the problem, not Tony himself. But, as that was part of what made him the man she loved, she was between a rock and a hard place. She could be CEO, personal assistant, and friend, but she didn't have the strength of will to love a man who regularly saved the world at the probable ultimate cost of his own life. She closed her eyes and massaged her temples in frustration. For Fury to screw up all her careful work with some ill-timed comments…yep. It was time for a thorough review of every single contract SHIELD had with SI.

Taking a deep breath, she composed herself and resumed the tape. When Tony swung into view, her eyes widened, aghast. He looked so small and dejected! Hunched over as if warding off a blow, his muscles became more and more tense as the conversation continued, even though he let none of it show in his voice. At his joking, "Why did you work for such an ass?", her heart jumped to her throat. Despite the lighthearted tone, she could see the raw vulnerability in his face, the expected rejection in the curve of his back, the slump of his shoulders. He really wanted to know; at that moment he really thought of himself as an ass. She could only thank God her joking reply hadn't been one to reinforce that impression. "Not a hopeless case, then?", and the sheer anguish she could now see in his eyes... She swallowed convulsively to keep from crying. Clearly every hurtful word from the others had been internalized by this point, to where Tony believed that his every failed interpersonal relationship was all his fault. Damn Fury and his Initiative to hell!

Shaking her head, she forcibly wrenched herself back to a more impersonal mental state to try and maintain some objectivity. A deep sigh, then, "All right, JARVIS, halt the video, then correct me if I'm wrong. In the first clip, Rogers, Barton, and Romanov are forced to move into the home of a man that they believe wants to be part of their exclusive little clique but isn't, and is trying to buy and barter his way in without really 'earning' it. Meanwhile, the man in question believes that he is already a member of the group, is excited about it, and is doing his best to make them feel welcome and comfortable. How am I doing so far?"

"I believe that accurately sums up the situation."

"In the second clip, Tony has obviously resorted to his typical ultimate coping mechanism of cowering in his workshop when he's upset and is expecting blatant rejection from everyone, including people who have been his tried-and-true friends for years." She was having trouble keeping a handle on her temper again.

"That is correct."

"Can you summarize the events that occurred between these two clips? Honestly, I'm afraid that if I watch much more, I'll react unthinkingly, and whatever I do to Captain Rogers? I want to plan out every detail so that it sticks." She flashed a vicious, shark-like gin that she knew the AI would see.

"Certainly, ma'am," JARVIS answered with disconcerting approval. "In the intervening time period, Sir extended eight separate invitations to the Avengers for attempted social interactions, all but one of which were rejected. In the same time period, the others participated in three organized social engagements that Sir was intentionally not invited to, as well as six formal 'Avengers' meetings at SHIELD to which Sir likewise was not requested to attend. He created specialty arrows for Mr. Barton as a friendly gesture, which were accepted with poor grace. Sir responded in his typical fashion and accidentally hurt Barton's feelings, and was subsequently threatened with physical harm by Romanov should it occur again. When he accessed the SHIELD database to try and prevent further faux pas in the future, he discovered Agent Coulson to still be alive, and notified the rest of the team. He was subsequently condemned by the entire group, forbidden to see the Agent in question, and telephonically admonished by yourself when he contacted you to inform you of the Agent's survival.

Pepper flinched. She remembered that conversation. Her "What on Earth made you think that would be a good idea?" response had sounded appropriate at the time, but in retrospect…

"All right, JARVIS. I get it. No matter how hard he tried, he just kept being 'wrong'." She dropped her face into her hands and regained her composure. No wonder Tony looked so defeated. When she raised her head, though, there was a fire in her eyes once more. "Thank you, JARVIS. I think I can take it from here. Please let me know if any further…misunderstandings occur at the tower, all right?"

"As you wish," came the satisfied reply.

The End


	57. Fanfic: Word Games (by kerravon)

(A missing scene from "Iron Man Yes, Tony Stark… Not Recommended", right after Rhodes convinces Tony to get some sleep)

Inspiration: "Rhodey is leaning back in the only comfortable chair playing some kind of word game with JARVIS and throwing what appears to be his own balled up socks for DUM-E to catch." - Chapter 9, "Iron Man Yes"

Word Games  
by kerravon

 

Rhodey looped an arm around Tony's shoulders, gently steering him towards the old, well-worn leather couch wedged against the wall where the scientist frequently caught catnaps when he really couldn't (or wouldn't) leave the lab. The faded brown sofa had seen better days, with permanent grease stains marring several spots and the occasional torn seam peeking out along an edge. Still, the cushions were soft, and clearly dented in just the right places to comfortably support Tony's hips and shoulders, attesting to its frequent use. Levering the intoxicated man onto the central cushion, the colonel grasped his ankles, swinging them up to rest next to the couch arm while the bemused engineer looked on drowsily.

Snagging a throw pillow from behind his back and propping it on the opposite end of the impromptu daybed, Rhodes gently pushed Tony's shoulders down until he was completely flat, head resting on the well-used padding. His friend blinked up owlishly, trying unsuccessfully to focus on his face. "Thanks, y'no…" he mumbled gesturing vaguely around the room. "Th'x fer makin' them listen…" 

"Shhhhhh…" soothed Rhodes, keeping a tight leash on the rage he felt for the men upstairs, "No problem." He grabbed a ragged, plaid blanket from the back of the sofa and draped it over the weary figure as the exhausted genius' eyes slid closed of their own volition and his breath rapidly deepened into slumber. The Air Force officer crossed his arms as he critically studied the billionaire's unguarded face. He'd clearly not been eating or sleeping on anything resembling a regular schedule; his eyes were sunken dark hollows, his skin was drawn and waxy, and he looked like he'd lost a good ten pounds since the last time Jim had laid eyes on him. Grease smudged his forehead and cheek, and his nails were almost black with grime. A small burn from a soldering iron graced the index finger of his left hand, and dried blood was visible on his forearm below a scratch in the skin that might have once benefited from stitches. Even in repose Tony's forehead had a crease of worry between drawn eyebrows, and his lips turned down unhappily. Rhodey closed his own eyes and inhaled, trying to calm down, then turned away from the couch and headed for Tony's favorite chair. He…just couldn't look at his friend right that second. He needed to collect his thoughts and regain his composure before the genius awoke in a few hours; right now, everything needed to be about Tony. His own fury could wait.

"JARVIS?", he asked quietly, taking care not to disturb his resting friend. "Does Tony have any audio headphones around this place?"

"I am afraid not. He has quite a few noise canceling headsets for hearing protection, but none that actually connect to a player for the purpose of transmitting sound." JARVIS sounded apologetic. "The last set was cannibalized for.."

"That's all right," Jim smiled, then glanced over at the couch. "I don't want to disturb Tony, but I'd like to hear the conversation leading up to what I witnessed upstairs."

"Just the part involving Mr. Stark? Or as much as I have access to?"

The colonel tilted his head curiously. "What don't you have access to?" He'd never asked, but with the number of threats to Tony's life or freedom over the years, he'd assumed that all areas with admittance to Tony's suite or workshop would at least have audio records, if not visual.

"For the comfort of the team, Sir requested passive scanning only in their suites unless my name was specifically spoken."

Rhodey shot the divan an exasperated look. "That's nowhere near adequate security for…" he began.

JARVIS interrupted smoothly, "And yet Captain Rogers, Agent Barton, and Agent Romanov objected quite strenuously to even that degree of monitoring, indicating that it was too intrusive."

"Really," the colonel gritted out between clenched teeth, still carefully keeping his voice low. "Right now, JARVIS, I don't give a flying fuck what those assholes object to."

"As you say, sir." The AI sounded pleased with his response. "Shall I show you the footage that I was able to record earlier this evening?"

"Yes, but please keep the volume down," he murmured, glancing over at the sofa once more. "Tony really needs to rest."

"Yes, sir." The screen before him flickered to life, revealing an irate Clint Barton stalking angrily into the common room, followed more slowly by Steve Rogers.

"Clint, I don't think…" began the Captain's voice, only to be interrupted by a moan from the direction of the couch. Rhodey made a slicing motion with his hand, and the film snapped off. Standing to better see his friend, he was surprised at the change. While earlier Tony had seemed dead to the world, now the sleep-deprived engineer was tossing his head from side to side, brow furrowed in consternation. Rhodes was next to him in a flash, perched on the unused sofa corner by Tony's head. Brushing the sweat-soaked hair lightly off his friend's face, he murmured "Shhh, it's OK" repeatedly, a reassuring mantra, until the billionaire settled back into a less troubled sleep. Once certain that Tony was wrested from his nightmare, the fighter pilot carefully glided back to his chair and addressed the AI again.

"OK, apparently Tony's subconscious recognizes our voices as 'safe', JARVIS, but not Rogers'." (And didn't THAT make Rhodey see red.) "Tell you what. Why don't you and I play some word games. That way, the familiar voices will subliminally reassure him that he's safe," the colonel flashed a shark-like smile, "And I'll still get some information about what's been going on around here."

"Ready when you are, Colonel Rhodes," replied the computer dispassionately.

"All right, let's call the first game 'Five Times'. I'd like you to give me five instances where the geniuses that make up this so-called 'team' misconstrued something Tony did or said." Rhodes, angry as he was, recognized that people could easily get the wrong impression from his friend, particularly if they didn't bother to do more than take things at surface value. Of course, these jerks had lived with Tony, at his expense, for weeks now, so they shouldn't have needed Rhodes' intervention to open their eyes.

"Do you wish only instances directly observed, or would conversation recorded outside Sir's hearing be admissible?"

"Actually, the conversations are likely to be the most revealing, so both, please. Just, in your own voice, so as not to disturb Tony." He glanced over to where the other man still slumbered peacefully.

"Certainly. First, upon arrival at the Tower, the group interpreted Sir's attention to detail and gifting of a floor to each of them as 'creepy', and were certain that he wanted something in return. In Captain Rogers' case, he expressed his conviction that Mr. Stark planned to demand the right to invasive medical experimentation."

Rhodes blinked. "Excuse me?" he asked incredulously. "Has Tony ever even joked about wanting to experiment on Rogers?" After all, Tony was an engineer, not a geneticist. If anyone on this team would want the Captain's blood or tissue, it was Banner.

"Not within my sensors," the AI replied dryly.

Rhodes nodded, toeing his shoes off to get more comfortable, then stretched out a little in the chair. "All right, then. Next?"

"Two: all the food provided by Mr. Stark in light of Captain Roger's accelerated metabolism was verbally ascribed to Mr. Stark's wastefulness and desire to flaunt his wealth."

Rhodes gritted his teeth, not bothering to respond to that stupidity. "Next?"

"Three: when Sir provided Agent Barton with improved arrows in the hopes of socially interacting with him in an environment where he was comfortable, specifically the range, the archer kept demanding what was required in payment, finally verbally concluding that he was a 'test monkey'. When Sir insisted that it was simply a gift, and made a spurious comment about Mr. Barton's childhood Christmas experiences, the agent became quite offended and departed with the arrows. Agent Romanov then proceeded to threaten Sir's life should similar offense occur in the future."

"What?!?" Rhodey hissed, loudly enough that another groan issued from the couch. The colonel held his breath as Tony rolled onto his side, then settled back to sleep. Once he heard the soft snoring resume, Rhodes lowered his voice significantly and repeated, "What? She threatened him?" 

"Her exact words were: 'If you ever make another crack about Clint’s family, they will never even think to look for your body.'"

The pilot took several deep breaths to calm down. He knew his friend was already a little afraid of the assassin after she had remorselessly stabbed him in the neck during the time he was dying of Palladium poisoning, so he would have taken her words to heart. Rhodey clenched his fists in fury; Tony had been terrorized in his own home! By someone he was providing with room and board in one of the most high-tech skyscrapers in Manhattan. Oh, she was not going to get away with that. "Where is this bitch right now?" he growled. No one threatened his friends.

JARVIS sounded regretful. "Agent Romanov is out of the country on assignment."

The Air Force officer closed his eyes. It was just as well; he'd promised Tony that he'd stay with him while alcohol was in his system, and the inventor didn't need even the mildest betrayal in his current state. Still, he was beginning to understand why the man hadn't eaten in days; he was not only resorting to his tried and true coping mechanism of hiding in his workshop, but he was probably half-terrified to go upstairs for fear of inadvertently offending Barton and being 'disappeared' by Romanov. He growled in frustration, "So, what was Tones supposed to do? Develop psychic powers?"

"I am unaware of what Agent Romanov expected from him, but he returned to his quarters and immediately accessed the SHIELD database in order to glean information that might prevent such inadvertent insults in the future."

Rhodes slumped a little at that, dropping his face to his hand. "Oh, Tony," he moaned, shaking his head. "Hacking their files? That couldn't have ended well. What were you thinking?"

JARVIS sounded primly offended on Tony's behalf. "His reasoning was that, as Agent Coulson had already given him the files at the time of the Chitauri invasion, and as the others had already likewise been provided his file for review, that he was simply accessing information that he should have read earlier. He felt responsible for the insult because he hadn't 'done the required reading'."

Jim's forehead creased in consideration. That actually made sense. "How did the others take it?," he asked, because he had no doubt that they had found out. They were spies, after all.

"Not well. Agent Romanov voiced the opinion that Sir accessed the files in order to 'test the boundaries of my tolerance' and obtain more personal data with which to emotionally attack the three of them." Rhodes could hear the quotes in the AI's voice.

"Seriously? After she threatened his life? I thought that this woman wrote SHIELD's profile on Tony. How could she not know him better than that?" The colonel was truly confused, then snorted derisively. "If that's the type of information gathering going on in that organization, it's no wonder they didn't want Tony as an Avenger. He probably scared them; he's too competent."

"Just so," agreed the disembodied voice of the computer. "Shall I continue?" At Rhodes' nod, the computer went on. "As you are already aware of the misunderstanding with Agent Romanov's body armor, I will not use that example for this exercise. Therefore, four: numerous equipment upgrades Sir developed for the improved safety of the team were construed as an attempt to 'buy' his way onto the Avengers, when in fact Sir believed himself to be a full member of the team as of Agent Coulson's presentation of the tesseract problem. These items were either returned or openly ridiculed."

"Hence, the cabinet," Rhodes murmured, glancing at the tall, metal, double-door locker he'd been examining earlier. Tony, in crying even the few tears the pilot had seen, revealed how deeply this had hurt. Given his messed up life, the engineer had long ago resigned himself to not being appreciated as a person, and wore his 'I am an asshole' persona like shining armor. But rejection of his tech? Unheard of. Hell, even Justin Hammer wanted Tony's tech, yet these ingrates had returned it unopened, or made jokes about it at Tony's expense. That must have cut him to the core. Jim glanced around the room for a hammer, again feeling the urge to smash everything in that cabinet. 

He was interrupted by JARVIS. "Five: the 'Captain America' trading cards Sir sent to Agent Coulson as a 'get well' gift were construed as an attempt to circumvent the team, who 'were on to his tricks', and buy his way onto the team through bribing Agent Coulson. The belief was that, as he had loved the gift and refused to return it at Barton's behest, Sir would require Mr. Coulson to appoint him as Avenger or would declare the cards a 'loan' and demand their return himself. As justification for a confrontation, Agent Barton equated 'protecting' Agent Coulson from Sir to the Captain protecting his men from Hydra."

Rhodey's eyes widened in shock. "He didn't!", he exclaimed in a whisper, taking care this time not to disturb his exhausted friend. "I'll bet Rogers pointed out a couple of problems with that analogy!" As an Air Force officer with men of his own under his command, Rhodes couldn't imagine letting an airman get away with equating another squad member with the enemy. The soldier making the disparaging remarks would be lucky not to find himself transferred out of the unit!

"No, sir, he did not," commented JARVIS haughtily. "Any objections he began to make were overridden by Agent Barton, then the conversation was diverted to the supposed attempt by Sir to seduce the Captain."

'What the Hell? How was this idiot in charge of his own toothbrush, much less a team of headstrong, super powered, dangerous human beings like the Avengers?' He sighed and rubbed his forehead. This certainly wasn't the hero of his childhood, the leader of the Howling Commandos. Either the legends that grew over the years were grossly inaccurate, or 'The Captain' had a little freezer burn of the brain from his long hibernation in the Arctic. 

Still, back to the patiently waiting AI, "What was that all about, JARVIS? I get that Tone was using his, 'I am the sexiest man in this room, don't you want to know me better' shtick to try and make friends with Rogers, but why now? It's been weeks!"

"Sir was quite upset by the misunderstandings, particularly the body armor, and had been placing increasingly caustic blame on himself in the process. He was trying to get Captain Rogers to take five minutes and listen to an explanation."

"The…explanation that he finally managed, once Rogers was listening to ME?"

"Quite so."

Rhodes frowned, crossing his arms. "This whole thing doesn't make any sense. Why listen to a stranger who just hit you in the jaw and ignore your own teammate? Why allow that teammate to be verbally equated with the enemy? Why refuse upgraded equipment that most soldiers would, and do, die for? Unless…." An unpleasant idea occurred to him. "JARVIS, is it possible that the Captain disliked Tony before he ever even moved in here?"

"I believe that to be highly probable."

Rhodes narrowed his eyes. "But, he liked Howard Stark?"

"From the several conversations on record, he not only liked but admired the senior Mr. Stark, and regrets that Sir is not more like his father."

Rhodey jumped up and paced angrily around the room, careful not to disturb the still-sleeping scientist. "So, he hates Tony because he isn't Howard?" he finally managed to spit out.

"That would indeed fit the data collected," responded the disembodied voice.

"Oh, Tony is not going to like that," he muttered to himself, settling back onto the chair. He decided to give himself time to process that information. 

"OK, JARVIS, new question. Earlier, when I asked Tony why he hadn't told Pepper or myself that this was going on, he said that he didn't want anyone to know that he 'was so fucking worthless Captain America wouldn't invite him to his bonding exercises'. Can you list five times the Avengers had a team event from which Tony was intentionally excluded?"

"Easily. One: upon arrival, after being shown their floors and the tower amenities, Mr. Stark invited the group to lunch. The three declined, but upon entering the elevator, discussed to which café they should proceed upon leaving the building."

JARVIS paused, but when the Air Force colonel simply sat with his arms crossed and glowered, he continued. "Two: after declining numerous social invitations extended by Mr. Stark, the three Avengers finally deigned to attend one involving videogames. Mr. Stark remained unawares in his workshop until an Alert was sounded. Through the armor's interface I overheard Mr. Barton decline Sir's offer to continue the gaming after the battle and order pizza. However, upon their return, Captain Rogers and Ms. Romanov prevailed upon Hawkeye to continue. Mr. Barton agreed contingent upon Mr. Stark not being invited. The others acquiesced." The AI paused, which caused Rhodey to raise an eyebrow in surprise. "Sir…came up to the common room looking for company, but after noting the three playing the games together that they refused to play with him, retreated back to his lab without eating."

Jim realized that he was clenching his fists so hard that his broken hand was throbbing.

"Three: Director Fury summoned the Avengers for at least six different team meetings regarding logistics and training. Sir was not notified of any of them."

"Four: as a team-building exercise, the Avengers went on a three-day camping/survival trip. Mr. Stark was neither invited nor notified as to its occurrence."

Rhodes snorted. "For that? It was probably just as well. Tony hates camping with the white-hot passion of the sun."

"Yes, sir," agreed JARVIS instantly. "Five: from discussions held in the common areas, I deduce that on three separate occasions the group has attended training exercises meant to hone their ability to fight together as a team and minimize injury in the event of actual battle. Sir was never included until there was an actual battle, at which point he was invariably called."

Rhodey couldn't sit still. He sprang to his feet and began to pace, taking care to remain quiet and not disturb Tony. "So… it's fine and dandy to rely on Iron Man when there are actual battles to fight, but otherwise he doesn't count at all? What do they think he is, their butler?"

"According to what Sir said upon returning from the one Avengers meeting he accidentally discovered and attended, that was exactly what Agent Barton considers him. This was the same meeting where he was informed that he did not meet the standards for membership in the Avengers, and that he had always been considered only a 'Consultant'."

Rhodes' knees buckled in shock, dropping him heavily back into his chair. "Oh, Tony…" he whispered, staring aghast at his dozing friend and running a hand through his hair. "Oh my God. This isn't a team, it's a train wreck. What is Rogers thinking?"

As the stunned surprise receded, Rhodey shut his eyes tightly against the surge of fierce rage that swamped him and counted slowly backwards from ten with each inhalation. It seemed to take an inordinately long time to calm down and suppress the almost overpowering instinct to rush back upstairs, find Rogers, and deck him. 

Just as he was finally cooling off, he felt a nudge against his knee. Eyes flying open at the thought that he might have awoken his exhausted, distraught friend, he glanced down to see…DUM-E. The curious bot poked his knee again gently, then rotated its head/arm in a clear gesture that asked, "Are you all right?". He swiveled to face the couch, then chirped questioningly as he began to trundle towards it. Rhodey jumped up to intercept the well-meaning bot, turning him back towards the chair.

"Look, I know you're worried," he murmured softly, (talking to robots - how was this his life?), "But Tony needs to sleep right now."

DUM-E twisted so that he could 'see' the couch once more, then chirped disconsolately. Jim pulled it back around, then knelt next to Tony's oldest friend. "Tell you what; JARVIS and I have been playing a game. How about you and I play one, too?"

He wasn't sure how the robot did it, but somehow it radiated doubt. He put on his best paparazzi smile, which did nothing to rival Tony's, and wheedled, "Come on, it'll be fun!"

DUM-E hesitantly nodded its head/arm once and waited. Rhodes, once he was certain that the bot wasn't going to make a break for the couch to poke Tony, quickly sat and pulled off his socks, wadding them up into a ball, then pointing at the far wall. "Go over there. I'll toss my socks to you; you catch them and either throw or bring them back. Sound good?"

DUM-E nodded enthusiastically, and the game was on. For all of Tony's disparaging remarks, the bot was a fast learner, and soon was catching over half of the colonel's throws. Once the pilot was certain that DUM-E understood the game, he addressed the AI again. "Hey JARVIS? Listen, I think I've heard enough for right now; much more and I won't be able to control myself. How about a different game?"

"Certainly, sir," came the impassive reply.

Rhodey flashed a wicked grin at the ceiling. "OK. For this we'll take turns. Each turn consists of one word on the given subject, and has to start with the next letter of the alphabet. First word starts with 'A', the second 'B', and so on. If one of us gets stuck, the other can take over that letter. If we both get stuck, we'll go on to the next subject. Sound good?"

"Yes, sir. How is the winner determined?"

"Don't worry, we're both gonna be winners. You'll enjoy this, JARVIS. The first subject is," his smile got impossibly wider, "Things that should happen to the asshats that have been mistreating Tony: 'A' - Adjudication."

The computerized voice sounded suddenly smug as JARVIS got it. "'B' - Banishment."

"C - Castration." Rhodey smirked, then tossed his sock-ball to DUM-E again.

"D - Denounce," intoned the AI. The colonel was quite gratified to note that the computer had avoided all permutations of 'death' and 'die'. Given how much of the tower was automated, it would really be disturbing to have JARVIS go all HAL 9000.

"E - Eviscerate." He himself had no such compunctions.

"F - Flog."

They continued like that for some time, with JARVIS just saying "X - Xenophobia" (which was stretching things a little, but hey 'X'), when they noticed an alteration in Tony's breathing. DUM-E and Rhodes realized simultaneously that he was awake and hurried over, games forgotten. The genius looked embarrassed about breaking down the night before, and quickly donned his 'I am an asshole' persona. Rhodey hated that Tony was so insecure right now that he felt he had to hide, even from Jim. DUM-E plucked at his hair, and he threw out his best media smirk and caroled, "Morning!".

Rhodes winced at the forced cheerfulness in the genius' voice. Tony must have seen something in his expression, because he frowned and asked, "What's wrong, Sugarplum?"

"Yeah, no. You're not going to do that." Rhodes was angry at the situation that was making his best friend a prisoner in his own home, causing him to hide his hurt and fear for so long that it was consuming him from the inside out. But now his friends were involved, and this was going to stop. Between him and Pepper, those people would pay for what they'd done, and Tony would stop having to wear a mask in his own home.

The End


	58. Fanfic: Tapping on the Brakes (by gottabekiddinme)

Tapping On The Brakes - Little Things They Could Have Said to Slow the Train Wreck Down - Or Make it Worse.  
*  
*~*  
*  
Natasha, in response to Clint's "Sex Predator" comment:  
*  
Natasha's fingers tighten around his wrist. "Stark's no predator. He'll flirt with anything that moves, and he doesn't hear 'no' very often, but when he does, he lets it go. And everybody knows better than to expect anything more than a one night stand from him."  
*  
*~*  
*  
Tony, in response to Steve:  
*  
"I know you've never done a hard day's work in your life -"

"And I know _you_ don't mean that. What the hell do you think I'm doing _all the time?_ It's you that doesn't actually work."  
*  
(Whether Steve meant it or not, it's still a foul thing to say.)  
*  
*~*  
*  
After Hill tells them Tony was reading the files:  
*  
"You mean the files Coulson _gave_ me? Yeah, I was reading them. Didn't have time before."

Natasha blinks. "He gave you our files?"

"Well yeah. Didn't you get mine? Oh wait, you wrote mine."

"When did he give you our files?"

It's Tony's turn to blink. "When he called me in."

Natasha tilts her head and looks at Fury. "I wasn't aware that Stark had been given active status."

Tony raises his eyebrows. "Wait, my status is in question?"

Fury glares at him. "You're a _consultant_ -"

"Then why do I get called in whenever the _Avengers_ assemble? And why are you quartering them _in my home?_ "

"Stark -"

"The Tower is _my property_ , Fury. You can't legally house your people there. I mean, I was going to invite them anyway -"

"You were?" Rogers interrupts.

"- But you _ordered_ them to move in. I'm pretty sure there's something in the Bill of Rights about quartering troops in a civilian's home? Back to the _point_ , though - where's Coulson?"  
*  
*~*  
*  
Tony, in response to "You're our butler" (I wanted SO badly to punch Clint right there.)  
*  
"I'm also your landlord, as well as your only real technical support. Not to mention pretty much your heaviest hitter right now, although if I'm not an Avenger, I suppose I don't have to bother showing up all the time, do I?"


	59. Fanfic: The First Error (by BlueU)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the honour of our *sixtieth* chapter goes to Blue. Seriously, this was just *barely* over 40 ten days ago. *_*

Prequel snippet for Cyberbutterfly's "Reading Lessons" AU, Chap 52.

Addresses the question, if Fury knew that Tony's files had been doctored to appear particularly damning, why wouldn't he have a least mentioned that to Steve before hand? With a file from a supposedly trusted source, why wouldn't Fury expect Steve to believe it? Well, perhaps Fury thought Steve had been warned:

~

"*Agent Hill, please report to my office.*" Maria froze midstep as the voice came through her communicator. Usually she was more graceful than that, but she'd been on full alert since that alien THING had attacked her people and hadn't slept in- "*NOW, Hill*".

"On my way, sir." She pivoted and headed up to Fury's office. Sleep could wait.

Less than five minutes later, she was standing in front of Fury's desk. The director himself stood gazing out the window, hands clasped behind his back, but projecting an aura of controlled violence: any perceived threat would be dealt with, permanently, in under five seconds. It was if the attack hadn't affected him at all.

"Reporting, sir."

"Agent Hill," he started, without turning. "Captain Rogers will be reporting in half an hour. I want you to debrief him on the current situation and the plans for the Avenger Initiative. Make sure he has the complete reports on all of the candidates, including Stark, and make him aware of the possibility of discrepancies in those reports. Do you understand me, Agent Hill?"

"The.. I thought the Avenger Initiative was scra-"

Now Fury turned to look at her. "Do you understand me, Agent Hill?"

"Yes sir," she said quickly.

"Good. Do it." Fury turned back to the window.

Maria left (not fled, left) the office, and went straight down to records. Half an hour was not a lot of time to get paper reports together, but they were necessary. Paper was always necessary when Stark was involved. She'd make sure Captain Rogers understood about the possibility of hacking.


	60. Fanfic: Garage Sale (by kerravon)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some more kerravon while I go untangle comment threads again. It may take a little bit, but she's awesome enough to step up to the plate.

Garage Sale

by kerravon

Inspiration: "The anger in her chest at watching him force Tony to go rooting through the ghosts of a lifetime of bad memories for a few battered pencil tins and a watch sears her." - Chapter 3, 'Cuts And Bruises'

 

"I'm a consultant."

Pepper sighs and closes her eyes, absently massaging the spot above her right eyebrow that always seems to throb whenever she's this overtired. It's been nearly a week since Rhodey's phone call alerting her that all was not well in paradise, and she's still haunted by the reflection of a lifetime of cumulative rejection and 'not good enough' that flashed through Tony's eyes in the brief, unguarded moment that he spat those words. His poorly disguised self-loathing still coils in her gut, a dark, ugly creature that howls for revenge. Sure, Tony tried to feign nonchalance, pretend it was his choice, but she knows better. She'd been part of the initial planning stages for 'Avengers Tower', and could vividly recall the genius's childlike delight as he eagerly designed each floor for 'his team', tailored the amenities to the projected occupant, even labeled the individual floor plans with symbols representing every Avenger. He'd anxiously sought her advice, trying to make every detail perfect; an archery range for Clint, a weapons locker for Natasha, and a studio for Cap.

After decades of hero worship, there was no way he was going to be rational when it came to Rogers. It had taken her hours to talk him out of buying an art supply store and dumping it in the studio he had created; even so, he purchased a truly astonishing array of paper, pencils, and charcoal for a man who had purportedly only ever used a small sketchbook and graphite. The floor to ceiling windows were unique to that room of the tower; Tony had spent days engineering the structural tweaks to maintain building integrity while still giving Rogers the most awe-inspiring view of Manhattan in existence. Recalling that the Captain not only didn't appreciate the thought and effort, but ridiculed it as 'creepy', sends a shudder of renewed fury through her. Opening her eyes, she gets back to work with a (heh) vengeance.

At least she doesn't have to worry about Tony for a couple of days. His biannual meeting with the California division of SI's R&D department is this week, and he's currently safely ensconced in the Malibu house, away from the insensitive bullies currently living in his home in New York. He always looks forward to checking out the developments that the clever minds of his hand-picked California team (as opposed to the sycophants in New York) have made in the last six months, and they, in turn, love his 'think outside the box' approach to solving what had been previously insurmountable problems. For once he can really use the ego boost that provides, after being belittled by his icon for the past six to eight weeks. He even called last night and cheerfully informed her that he's going to stay in Malibu a few extra days to 'clear some things up'. She's secretly pleased, since that gives her the extra time she needs to finalize her revenge on the super soldier. She wants all her ducks in a row when she confronts the insensitive clod.

Thinking about Tony puttering away in his basement lab in Malibu makes her smile. She glances at her watch, noting that it's only 6 pm in California, so, on a whim, she picks up her phone and dials, hoping to catch him before he heads out to dinner. Her anticipatory smile slowly fades as the phone continues to ring, then eventually flips to voicemail. 

"Hi, Tony, it's Pepper. Just wanted to check in, see how you were doing. Call me when you get this?" He's probably deep in engineer-land and didn't hear the ring. At least, she hopes so.

She returns to the rental agreement on her desk, reading the fine print with fervor and making corrections for the SI legal department to review in the morning. When she next looks up, it's two hours later, her neck has spasmed from tension, but the paperwork is perfect. She decides to try Tony again.

She actively frowns when she reaches the voicemail a second time. Not that he hasn't let her leave up to seventeen messages before responding in the past, but something about this makes her uncomfortable. Her mind keeps flashing back to the footage JARVIS showed her once of Obie ripping his heart out of his chest, and cold chills race up her spine.

Fine. She knows she's being silly and superstitious, but there's no reason Tony has to find out. "JARVIS? Can you confirm the location of Mr. Stark?" she asks her computer.

"Sir is in his Malibu abode," comes the instant reply, which is reassuring. Obie had disconnected JARVIS when he attacked.

"Is he… all right?" She doesn't know how else to phrase it. "Does he need assistance?"

The pause that follows makes her heart speed up. "Further definition is required."

Oh, that can't be good. She flips to CEO mode and narrows her eyes. "Where is Mr. Stark precisely?"

"He is in the living room." Not the workshop, then.

"Is he with someone?" It hurts her more than she'd care to admit to find that he's moved on, but she knows she no longer has any right to the indulgence of jealousy, so viciously suppresses it. Still, she doesn't want to accidentally get an eyeful if he made a hook-up this evening.

"Sir is currently alone."

"Show me, then, but don't bother Mr. Stark."

The computer screen blossoms into a high-definition view of the floor space where the piano used to sit. Tony never replaced it after its accidental destruction, and Obie was the only one to ever really use the thing, anyway. Now, the area is covered with vague piles of papers and trinkets spread out over the carpet. There are several old, empty, weather-beaten cardboard boxes to one side, presumably where the detritus littering the floor came from. Tony sits cross-legged in the center of the mess, staring at a letter in one hand as he takes a generous swig directly from the bottle of Lagavulin clutched in the other. Her eyes widen. He's pretty seriously drunk if he's consuming 12 year old scotch like it's Kool-Aid. She checks her watch and subtracts the three hours; it's only just after eight there. This does not bode well.

"What's he doing, JARVIS?" she asks, uncharacteristic trepidation in her voice.

"Sir is in the process of sorting through several boxes of memorabilia collected by Mr. Howard Stark," replies the AI unhappily.

Pepper sucks in a hissed breath. "Why?" she growls before she can help herself. Tony had not had a happy childhood. His father had always considered him a 'sissy', not 'man' enough to run a multibillion dollar corporation in the ruthless fashion he had, and had not been reluctant to tell him so. At least, when he paid any attention to him at all. Tony had grown up being told repetitively how he'd never measure up to a man long since believed dead, the man who was now living in his New York home. The man who had spent the last two months telling the engineer the exact same things.

When his father had died, his genius son had merely boxed up his possessions and never looked at them again, simply hauled them from home to home as he moved. Pepper suspects that he couldn't bring himself to do so, fearing the memories that sorting through his father's things would raise. After all the ego-bashing he's endured since his 'team' moved in, why in the world would he subject himself to the emotional trauma of doing this now?

"It would be most efficient if I showed you security footage," JARVIS suggests helpfully.

"All right." Pepper was confused, but trusted JARVIS' judgement.

The screen changes from the live video streaming from a broken, intoxicated Tony in Malibu to an image of the communal kitchen in the New York Tower. Steve Rogers sits slumped dejectedly at the table, idly turning his coffee cup around in distracted circles.

"Rogers," she spits, leaning forward. "I might have known." She glances at the date stamp; this was taken the day before everything went to hell.

Tony comes through the far door then, and Pepper's breath catches. She's never seen him so…beaten before, even that morning in the conference room. Shoulders slumped from too many sleepless nights, clothes filthy, hands and arms covered in scratches and grease, hollows beneath his eyes that make his pallid face positively cadaverous. He stops for a second, eyes widening as he sees Rogers, then shrugs, straightens his back with an effort, and shuffles determinedly towards the coffeemaker.

He's so…silent. With a start, Pepper realizes that Tony is actually a little afraid of the larger man, and that's wrong on so many levels. She's watching her best friend hunch over the coffee pot, drumming his fingers in the tense silence, when he startles as the silence is broken by the Captain.

“I heard Howard ended up with most of my stuff, after I...after,” Rogers barks angrily, as if Tony's father had no right to collect Steve's meager possessions.

Tony turns wide, surprised eyes towards him. “I...yeah. Yeah I guess, he has a few things,” he manages to stammer out.

Rogers looks down at the table, hands clenched around his own mug and jaw tight. “Would you find it for me? I’d like it back," he spits gruffly.

“I’ve got kind of a lot going on,” Tony hedges. Pepper feels tears prickle her eyes. She knows all the mental baggage the billionaire carries concerning his father, that he can barely stand to hear the man's name, much less root through his stuff. 

“Look Stark,” Rogers spits disdainfully, “I know you’ve probably never had to do a hard day’s work in your life but this is important.”

Pepper's breath catches in indignation, even as she winces at the impending verbal evisceration; Tony never takes that kind of rubbish from anybody. 'Never had to do a hard day's work in his life'? How dare the man! Tony does the work of three men on a good day; more if he doesn't 'waste time' sleeping or eating, as is his wont. Even if the Captain has no idea what the responsibilities of running SI, doing R&D, and being Iron Man entail, anyone with eyes could look at the man standing in front of him and see not only all the evidence of hard work, but the waves of exhaustion pouring off of him. 

To her shock, Tony drops his head in abject shame instead. “Dad’s archives are at the Malibu house," he mumbles. "I’ve got a meeting in California next week. I’ll look your stuff out then OK?”

“Thank you,” Rogers says stiffly as he glares daggers.

The video abruptly switches to the live feed of Tony slowly pawing through his Dad's old things, half-heartedly sorting out the occasional object into a clean, small box next to the now-empty bottle of scotch.

Ms. Potts can barely see through the clouds of rage. 'How dare Rogers do this to my Tony!' She has half a mind to interrupt the billionaire and force him to burn the lot, but she knows that his subsequent embarrassment will be worse than what he's going through right now. Voice unnaturally calm, she asks, "JARVIS, which possessions of Mr. Rogers has Mr. Stark located so far?"

"Three pencil cases, a nonfunctioning watch, assorted loose papers, and a photograph," came the dispassionate reply.

She closes her eyes and forces herself to calm down, then sighs, "Turn off the feed, JARVIS, but keep monitoring, OK? Please let me know immediately if he needs… intervention." Eyes snapping open, she hisses, "And let me know if he finds anything of more monetary value than a…" she snorts, "broken watch and some battered pencil tins." She stands to go home, gathering the papers on her desk with savage satisfaction. As she reaches the door, she pauses. "Oh, and JARVIS?"

"Yes, Ms. Potts?"

"If you discover any boxes that Tony misses, notify me." She pauses thoughtfully. "If the Captain hasn't straightened his act out by then, I think you and I will have a star-spangled garage sale."

"Certainly, Ms. Potts."

"Thank you, JARVIS." She smiles, saccharine sweet, then turns out the light.

End


	61. Fanfic: Thinking Outside the Box (with lilsmartass and Blue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is in the style I usually use for meta discussions, but since it's a collaboration there really wasn't much else for it.

So Cyberbutterfly made a comment that lilsmartass’s rage/frusteration noise was a prelude to pirates, and then I got wind of it.

I’m not sorry.

C: Tony thinks pirates are a great idea, and he convinces the rest to all dress up with him for it on Hallowe'en. Fury is not impressed. Especially when they start singing "The Last Saskatchewan River Pirate" and "What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor" at random moments throughout the day.

He is made grudgingly more happy with the idea when he learns that Tony's second idea was Men In Tights. He even had the backwards Achoo hat.

L: Really, with Tony, things can only be viewed as bad when compared to his other ideas.

C: "Okay, fine, that might be a little much, but it's better than..."

"Stop!" Fury raised his hand, shutting the genius up with the curt gesture. "Don't say any more. I value what little sanity you idiots have left me with. We're going with the Captain's plan because his doesn't involve strippers or body glitter, and that's final."

He turned back to the screen, pointedly ignoring Tony's muttered "Teacher's pet," at his blonde teammate.

Steve responded with a beaming grin an by sticking his tongue out at the sulking billionaire.

"It's okay." Bruce whispered, patting Tony's shoulder consolingly. "I liked your idea. The fire hose bit was particularly inspired."

L: Steve smiled quietly to himself. Director Fury should probably have asked him *what* his plan was before blindly accepting him as a good influence...

C: "Okay, I'm gonna need you to run that by me again. Why is Bruce pretending to be a store mannequin, and why are you carrying a boa constrictor?"

L: "And for god's sake Stark, put some clothes on before you scare the junior agents."

C: "How would friend Tony's body scare the junior agents? Myself I am but impressed with how well he fills out that elephant trunk."

L: "Come on Director, you know I'm the hottest thing that's ever been on this bridge. And I know the Assistant director is enjoying the view."

"Sir? I think we need to check Stark's blood/alcohol levels again."

C: *sigh* "Fine. Take him to medical, would you... STARK!! That's Agent _Romanov's_ cowgirl outfit, put that down..."

"..."

"Sir?"

"Yes, Agent Romanov?"

"I'd like to formally request a new uniform for the mission."

"That's probably a good idea."

Blue: "But first, warn medical they may want to take an early lunch."


	62. Fanfic: Hideous, Yes. Christmas, No. Part I

~  
Women were faster in this time. He *knew* that, had seen that, had gotten that explained to him. He was still surprised to find himself ambushed and dragged into a closet during the SHIELD Christmas Party.

"Wha..?" He asked, not able to verbalize any of his other thoughts through his surprise.

"Shhh." She slurred before smashing her mouth into his. He kept his lips closed and sighed. Why did this always have to happen to him?

Her breath smelled of eggnog, which explained everything. Last month, on the 70th (1st) anniversary of Bucky's death, he'd attempted to get drunk despite knowing he couldn't. Tony had kept him company in his misery, the only one Steve hadn't managed to clear out before his pity party (he was in the shop. Steve figured he'd have been down there all night, but he was up and sitting with Steve within the hour). Since then he and Bruce had been attempting to create an alcohol that would affect Steve without immediately killing him. They hadn't quite managed, but their last batch had left him feeling sorta fuzzy.

Bruce had poured something from a rather familiar looking flask into the eggnog earlier. Other than warning Clint, who had vacated the room, Steve had ignored it. Bruce didn't like the military, and if them making fools of themselves at the Christmas party made him feel better, Steve would let it go.

He was idly wondering how difficult it would be to push her away or if he should just wait till she passed out (she was schnockered. There was no way she was up for anything she thought she was this night) when she started laughing.

"Hunh?" He asked, not any more sure of the response to *this* development as he was the last one.

"It *glows*!" She crowed, pawing at the greenish outline on his chest. "Not only is it *hideous*, but it *glows*! Why do you even own this horrid thing?"

Steve frowned. It's not that he disagreed, per se, but, "Tony got it for me."

"That is so gay. Gay or taken, amirite?" She slumped against him, and he realized that passing out hadn't been an over-estimation on his part.

He sighed and gathered her up. He'd leave her in the out-patient dorm. Then he'd go find Tony and ask why being happy was suddenly such a big deal.


	63. Fanfic: Hideous, Yes. Christmas, No. Part II (with lilsmartass)

L: "In my defence, Cap, I didn't think you'd actually wear it."

C: "Really? You didn't think I'd wear it?"

"... Well, not to the Christmas party, at least."

"And the 'gay' thing? Gay or taken?"

"It means she thinks we're boning."

"WHAT?!?!?"

"It's a thing. 'All the good men are gay or taken.' Really common phrase. Gay is liking your own gender... What, they didn't catch you up on LGBQT vocab ever? Seriously? Well, that was an oversight. Bruce's greased up all of Fury's superspies, let's blow this popsicle stand and I can give you some sex ed."

"TONY!!!"

"Not like that, Spangles, though I'm flattered."


	64. Fanfic: Setting Limits

They were a study in opposites, standing there and watching SHIELD load the latest mad scientists into reinforced police vans. Iron Man was almost vibrating from all of Tony's little twitches, while Captain America stood as still as a statue next to him.

"I didn't mean it." Tony blurts, the silence finally getting to him. He lifts the faceplate so Cap can *see* his sincerity.

Cap just nods, still facing forward.

"It's just... We're missing a press conference. It was a half hour after the call to assemble came in. Not even a full hour!" Tony's working himself up, but Cap's still not responding. He calms himself forcefully, knowing that the new opinions they were forming of each other were still too new and raw for a tangental rant. "It wasn't supposed to be like *this*, Cap."

Steve just nodded again, and Tony feels his gut sink. There's fun, and then there's being a distraction in combat. "Steve?"

Captain America sighs and pulls his cowl off. Tony braces for his anger, but the expression Steve turns on his is closer to Pepper's fond exasperation. "How about we make a deal? I *promise* to go for a run in peanut butter-ed sneakers tomorrow, and you promise that the uniform, including shield, are off-limits from now on."

Tony pretends to be considering this to disguise the relief he feels that Steve has apparently forgiven him for making him fight radioactive slugs with his feet sloshing in peanut butter. Considering Tony could still see the roadrash on his cheekbone from where he wiped out dodging (they, in defiance of any logic, breathed fire), he decided to take that as a win. He didn't even point out that not even Captain America could turn that fast, and the spill was the only thing that saved Cap from being flambed. "Will you let me take a picture when you're pulling them on?"

"Keep it off the internet, and you can even make it a video."

Tony grinned then, a matching one forming on Steve's face. "Deal."


	65. Agent Angelface Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 44/66 chapters are fanfic, both by me and by others. We have FOURTY-FOUR fics based ON A FANFIC! 2/3 of all of this!

"I have to say, I was...surprised to hear you broke up."

"I just..." Pepper sighs, slumps in a way she won't do around anyone but her closest friends. "I love him. I do, but...he just takes so many risks..."

Danni nods. "It's like loving a soldier. Or a police officer, you know?"

Pepper blinks. "I suppose it is."

"It's not about what the uniform means. It's not about the risks they take, or even whether or not you love each other, it's," Danni sighs. "It's about how strong *you* are. Whether you can bear to know that someday, probably -"

"He won't come back."

"I thought - I hoped - that if anyone outside SHIELD was that strong, it would be you."

"I'm sorry."

Danni shakes her head. "Don't apologize. Not to me, not to anyone. You did what was best for both of you, even if it hurts. You deserve someone who'll always come home."

"And he deserves someone who won't demand that."


	66. Fanfic: Late Night Movies (by kerravon)

Late Night Movies

An "Iron Man Yes" AU

Summary: After their eyes are opened by LTC Rhodes, Steve and Clint angst for a while, then go to bed, where they sleep poorly. What if… Steve couldn't sleep at all? An "Iron Man Yes" AU that falls between chapter 8 and 9.

 

The tossing and turning has gotten ridiculous. It has been over an hour since Steve crawled into bed, heartsick and ashamed, to try and escape for a while through dreams. Perhaps it was the threat of those same dreams that has him still wide-eyed and alert. Sighing, Steve gives it up for a lost cause and throws his blankets off, rising to do something other than 'not sleep'. Perhaps he will catch a nap later.

What bothers him most was how he'd misinterpreted Stark's actions. All his life he's prided himself on his ability to read people; how had he messed up so badly in this instance?

He swallows nervously as he sits before the screen in his living room, then girds his courage and addresses Tony's robot…computer thing. "JARVIS? Are you there?"

"Yes, Captain Rogers. How may I be of service?" Is it his imagination, or does the computerized voice sound cold?

He is hesitant as he says, "Ummm… I know you have no reason to help me, but I'd like to figure out where I… how I…went wrong. I have to learn from my mistakes. I don't want this sort of thing to ever happen again." 

There is a thoughtful pause, then the disembodied voice suggests, "I could show you video clips of some interactions where there were known misunderstandings. Perhaps seeing them from an observer's point of view will help put things in perspective."

Steve almost cries in relief. "Yes," he agrees fervently. "That would help tremendously."

Before he could suggest a starting point, JARVIS responds, "If you will direct your attention to the screen before you, Captain."

A picture appears. Stark, obviously excited, is going over the holographic schematics of the tower as he practically vibrates in place. "JARVIS?" he asks as he enlarges one of the floorplans, "Did the heavyweight bags arrive for Captain Rogers?"

"Yes, sir, and are in the gym."

"And my targeting programs for Agent Barton?"

"Loaded and in place, Sir." 

Stark sighs, shrinking the one screen and enlarging another. "I wish I'd had time to finish that unbreakable bag for Rogers and write some personalized programs for Barton. Damn Fury and his unreasonable deadlines! This place isn't going to be half as ready as I'd like. If only he'd given me a full week…"

"I am certain they will find it adequate, sir," comes the fond reply.

Stark just hmmms in response, clearly dissatisfied. "Are the kitchens at least stocked? Especially Rogers'; with his metabolism, he's going to need all the calories he can get."

"As requested, sir, along with the nonperishable items for Masters Thor and Banner."

"Pop Tarts for Thor, don't forget. He especially likes Pop Tarts."

"Fully stocked, sir."

Stark looks up finally, flashing the ceiling a smile. It's the first full-on image of his face, and Steve is struck by how tired the man looks. "Can you pause it, please?" he asks hesitantly.

There's no response, but the playback halts. "Thank you," he says politely. If nothing else, he can still be polite.

Rogers studies the man on the screen before him. Lines of exhaustion furrow his face, and the rings beneath his eyes are raccoon-like in their contrast to the translucence of his skin. There's a splash of motor grease on one cheek, and his brow is creased as if fighting off a headache. 

Steve can't help himself as he blurts, "My God, how long has it been since he slept?"

JARVIS replies automatically, "As of this footage, Sir had gotten less than six hours of sleep in four days, mostly naps on the couch or at the desk. Director Fury had given him a near-impossible deadline for your move-in date, and he had been with the Avengers earlier participating in the mandated clean-up."

Rogers gulps audibly, and mumbles, "Resume playback." The rest of their initial arrival and tour of the Tower plays out. Watching from the security camera viewpoint, and with the aid of twenty-twenty hindsight, the two things that make the greatest impression are the billionaire's obvious excitement and pride at welcoming 'his team' to their new home, and the SHIELD group's palpable discomfort and defensiveness at the same event. Stark is evidently not used to this type of situation, and awkwardly tries to make small talk. He is invariably rebuffed in increasingly rude fashion, the trio taking offense at every imagined slight. Mr. Stark is frankly bewildered by the reception, and, when they outright reject his tentative invitation for lunch to go off on their own without reciprocating, looks for a moment like he's going to cry from their flagrant snub. Instead, he shrugs tired, sagging shoulders and returns to his lab, evidently accepting that this rudeness was his due.

Steve bites his lower lip, shame flaming his face. "What have I done?," he murmurs disconsolately. His mother raised him to be polite if nothing else, and he was far from anything resembling politeness in the scenes he just witnessed. 'Good manners cost nothing and achieve much.' His mother would have put him over her knee if she'd ever seen him treat someone like he treated Stark that day.

Unaware of Roger's internal debate, JARVIS moves to the next event, and a new image flares to life. Apparently there is a planned agenda for tonight's films.

This time, Natasha and Clint are huddled together at the kitchen counter, deep in discussion. The far door opens and Stark bounces in nervously, but obviously excited about the arrows he has clutched in his left hand. The SHIELD agents are openly hostile, then suspicious, as Stark tries valiantly to simply give Clint the arrows. Now that Steve knows there was no underlying agenda other than "some people just like to give things", he can see why Stark is so obviously baffled by the reactions he's receiving from the pair. It's not really a surprise when the man finally snarls in frustration, “Have you never been given a present before Barton? Christmas at your house must have been downright depressing.”

The situation rapidly deteriorates, ending with Clint leaving in a huff gripping the arrows and Natasha sidling up unnoticed behind Stark so closely that he scrambles backwards away from her when he turns. “If you ever make another crack about Clint’s family, they will never even think to look for your body. Understand?” Stark nods slowly at the threat, confusion and acceptance written all over his face. Rather than apologize and ask what he did wrong, he scurries out of the room. Now Steve knows that he left to access the confidential SHIELD personnel files to uncover any other conversational bear traps to steer clear of, if for no other reason than avoiding Natasha's wrath. 'Nothing says 'thank you' like a death threat,' Steve groans mentally, dropping his face to his hand in despair. 

He raises his head again when the screen flickers to a new scene. 'This is Stark's lab!,' he realizes with a jolt, and leans in for a better look. He's never actually taken the time to visit, so he's never seen the inside. The engineer is standing next to a worktable, briefly inspecting a battered gauntlet before setting it down. The entire Iron Man suit is laid out on the otherwise clean surface, ready for a more thorough inspection. Stark eyes it unhappily, half-heartedly picking up a stanchion before returning it to its original position. He stares blankly into space for a moment before sucking in his lower lip and chewing on it contemplatively. "You know," he begins aloud, apparently talking to himself again, "There's just something unsatisfying about Assembling and nothing blowing up. I know Barton said he wasn't interested in any more Mario Kart and was going to bed, but maybe one of the others is around and wants to watch 'Die Hard'?" He addresses the AI then. "Hey, JARVIS, are either Rogers or Romanov in the communal area?"

"Yes, both are currently present in the main room."

Stark flashes the ceiling a blinding smile. "Sweet! I'd be willing to watch 'Beaches' at this point if I had to; I just want a little company." He hastily looks apologetic and stammers, "Not that you're not company, J, just…"

"No offense taken, Sir." Steve has to wonder again about a computer that might take offense at a simple statement like that. Was this common in the future? Should he be more polite to the microwave?

The camera input switches to the corridor outside the common room as Stark strides excitedly up, bounce in his step, grinning wider as he hears laughter coming from the main room. He halts suddenly at the door, hand catching on the frame as he sees all three of them spread out in front of the television, eating pizza and playing games. His smile fades away, replaced by such a look of hurt and sheer longing that Steve's heart aches to see it. For a moment, the billionaire looks like nothing more than a lost little boy whom the other children ignore as he wistfully watches them play. Then the engineer shakes himself, an expression of resignation and acceptance replacing the hurt, and he backs slowly and silently away from the entrance.

Once more Stark enters his lab. The earlier excited bounce is now a slower shuffle, shoulders slumped, as he approaches his armor. "You could have just told me they didn't want me up there, J," he comments expressionlessly.

"I was unaware…" begins the computer, but is interrupted by Stark waving a hand in dismissal. 

"Yes, I know. But if they hadn't meant to exclude me, they would have called. I told Barton that I wanted to play, too, after we finished cleaning up that robbery, and I'd treat to pizza. He said he was too tired. Either he was lying at the site, and just pretended because he didn't want me there, or he changed his mind after he got back, but didn't let me know because he didn't want me there. The others knew I was up, since we'd just gotten back, but couldn't be bothered to let me know that the activities were resuming. In my book, that means I got de-invited to my own party. How pathetic is that?" He gives a snort of disgust, then turns to his armor, snatching up a voltmeter. "Well, the only thing more pathetic is whining about it. This is hardly anything new. Why don't you and I get some work done?" He sits in front of the Iron Man suit and picks up a gauntlet.

Steve flushes again with humiliation. He remembers as a child desperately wanting to be included in the neighborhood stickball games, or kick-the-can, or just hanging out playing mumblety-peg beside the porch, but being excluded due to his health, even when that wasn't an issue. Clint had so vehemently not wanted Stark there that Rogers had given in and not contacted the man. That behavior was boorish in the extreme, especially after they refused to attend so many other invitations which now were apparently just Stark repeatedly trying to become friends. The three of them, secure in their camaraderie, excluded the billionaire completely. He is reminded again of the bullies of his youth, and stifles tears. He really has become just as bad them, as the people he used to fight against.

JARVIS says nothing, but the video changes once more. This time, a disheveled, exhausted Stark is seen exiting the elevator on Natasha's floor, box clutched tightly to his chest. He tentatively rings the bell to her suite, and Steve hears JARVIS volunteer, “Agent Romanov left to go to SHIELD medical and say goodbye to Agent Coulson before her mission tomorrow.” Stark visibly slumps, disappointed. He starts mumbling to himself then, and Steve suddenly realizes that much of what comes out of Stark's mouth is an internal monologue that he's unaware of speaking aloud, because he's completely alone so much of the time that it doesn't occur to him. All he wants is to be part of a team, to have a group of people that he trusts at his back, and, maybe, even be able to call them 'friend'. 

"I hope he's doing OK. They still won't let me visit." Stark frowns and stares at the closed door, clutching the box to his chest even tighter. "I'd like to be able to go over all this with her; there's some pretty dangerous stuff in this box. Then I can be sure she understands that this isn't just me trying to buy my way onto the team, like they think." His voice cracks a little, and Steve discovers that his own eyes are wet. "I just… I'm tired of the nightmares drenched in her blood. I want her to be as safe as I can make her when I'm not there to fly her bleeding body out of trouble." His words start speeding up as his thoughts race. "But I have that Gala to go to, and I'm the keynote speaker, and if I'm late Pepper will have my head, and I need to prove to Fury that I can be dependable, that I'm not a loose cannon, but I want her to have it, it's more important that she be safe than that I get to brag over all the cool spy swag I've made, maybe JARVIS can explain it to her?"

Steve blinks at the sheer speed of the internal debate, but sympathizes with the dilemma. He's had enough dreams of Bucky falling to understand wanting to protect one's teammates, no matter how they've treated you.

“JARVIS? When does Natasha leave?” he finally asks the AI, intentionally speaking the words aloud this time.

“I do not have that information sir. However, her conversation with Agent Barton in the communal kitchen this morning indicates that it is sometime this evening, and that she will be returning only briefly from her visit with Agent Coulson.”

“You can explain all of this if I’m not here, right J?”

“Indeed sir. I have worked on this nearly as much as you.”

“I’ll put you down as co-designer on the patent form.” Steve startles. Patents? From the earlier conversation with Rhodes he understood that Stark made all this equipment, but he now realizes that the genius invented as well as built these items, things to keep Natasha safe. 

He watches as Stark digs in his pocket and pulls out a stub of a pencil that he uses to write on the box, then carefully props it up against the door, returns to the elevator, and is gone.

The picture fades, only to resume again in the hallway in front of Stark's own door. Steve and Clint mill about agitatedly, undoubtedly waiting for him. Stark, exiting the elevator in a tuxedo, grins when he sees them, apparently assuming that they have heard about the wonderful body armor and other gadgetry from Natasha, and are there to ask for some for themselves. "I take commissions," he chortles, hands casually tucked into his pockets and as relaxed and happy as Steve has ever seen him. He winces as he recalls not listening to Stark's words, furious at the presumed seduction attempt of Clint's girl. His eyes widen as he watches the archer punch the cheerful man so hard in the jaw that he staggers back, stumbles in his surprise, and goes sprawling. “JARVIS, deep medical scan.” Stark barks, clambering to his feet and bringing his arms up defensively.

Rogers groans. Now it makes sense. At the time, thinking that Stark was trying to force himself sexually on Natasha, he hadn't understood why the man was so confused at their reactions. But now, knowing that all the inventor had done was create an entire outfit designed to keep the Widow safe; to protect someone who, Steve suddenly remembers, doesn't even consider him a teammate, much less a friend. and had told him so in no uncertain terms…

Again, Steve wants to crawl under a rock and hide. Instead, he forces himself to watch the entire scene play out, unable to look away from the horror unfolding before him, a nightmare of his own making. It's like watching a train wreck, knowing what's about to happen, but being unable to stop it. He hears himself say, “If anyone deserves a beating it’s you Stark.” The inventor tries futilely to get a word in edgewise, attempts to explain, but is cut off time and again by either Barton or Rogers. The hurtful words flung at the unappreciated engineer fly through the air like daggers: "You disgust me Stark!”; "Your file says that you’re self destructive”; “Guess that makes you the whore Stark"; “Is that why daddy didn’t love you? Because he didn’t want little boys?”.

Steve remembers that last jibe. Clint had hissed it out, knowing it would strike home; for all he was angry at Stark reading his own confidential file, it was obvious from the insults he tossed at the billionaire that he had memorized Stark's. Steve just remembers being upset at the implied insult to Howard, but now seeing the suddenly-devastated expression on the inventor's face, he recognizes that he should have been paying more attention. That jab truly hurt Stark, whose only crime was in caring so much for the safety of a… colleague (not teammate, they'd made that clear, and oh, how he wished he could take that decision back). The argument rapidly escalates, and next thing Steve knows, Clint jumps Stark and strikes him so hard that he bounces his head off the doorjamb and collapses, stunned, to the floor. Steve sees himself standing there motionless in some infuriated fugue state, seemingly blanking out until after Stark hauls himself unsteadily to his feet, standing there swaying, blood dripping into his eye from the laceration on his forehead. The inventor's hands come up to a sloppy defensive stance just as JARVIS interrupts, stopping the fight.

"Stark could have been killed," Steve gasps as realization hits him like a bucket of ice water. During the event he was more concerned about Clint's hurt feelings than Stark's injuries, but the gash on the genius' forehead visible on the monitor is far from the superficial scratch his own cloudy memory recalls. "JARVIS, thank you for stopping this… this travesty," he declares with true gratitude, looking at the ceiling as the video clip plays on. He's aghast at his own inaction; he'd allowed a civilian be beaten by an angry, trained assassin a good fifteen years his junior. Even if Stark had actually been guilty of all they'd accused him of, there was no excuse for this brutality. How had he allowed this ignominy to occur? How had he condoned it?

His eyes flash back to screen as he hears his own voice admonish Clint as he prevents a third physical assault. 

“He’s not worth it.” The recorded words echo hollowly in Steve's otherwise silent bedroom. He watches himself drag Clint bodily away from the altercation without so much as a glance behind at the devastated genius. Now he can see something go out of Stark, deflating like a punctured balloon. The man wilts visibly, fake bravado falling away like rusty armor, and his shoulders slump in defeat as he clearly takes Steve's words to heart. "I'm not worth it," he mumbles, head bowed. "At least now I know." He pauses a moment before entering his quarters, head still bent in defeat. "Hey J?"

"Yes, Sir?"

"Sorry about getting mad back there. We still OK?"

"Of course, Sir," replies the AI, and Steve is struck by the warmth in the computer's voice.

Still without looking up, Stark whispers, "Well, at least I still have you." He disappears inside his door and the screen goes dark.

Steve sits in stunned silence. How had he missed the aching need now so obvious in all Stark's words and actions? How had he missed… how had Rhodes put it?… all Stark's friendship overtures? Instead, he had ridiculed and demeaned a good man who had only wanted someone to trust beyond the friends he had literally built for himself. A kind man with cracks in his soul where he had been betrayed time and again, hiding them from casual view behind a veneer of sarcasm and snark. Steve drops his head to his chest and feels his eyes prickle, just a bit, for the broken creature that he had personally shattered beyond almost all hope of repair. It was going to take a long time, and a great deal of effort, to rectify the hurt he's caused. If it can be fixed at all.


	67. Fanfic: A Matter of Trust (by kerravon)

A Matter of Trust (A "Cuts and Bruises" missing scene)

By kerravon

 

Tony Stark was not a trusting man. Bruce knew that from the very beginning, when the genius spent his first few distracting minutes of diatribe on the helicarrier bridge surreptitiously planting a device to hack into the SHIELD mainframe and implant JARVIS. It only worsened after the other Avengers moved into the Tower while Bruce was still in India, emotionally abusing the man to the point of continual insecure self-censure. The memory of the security footage Bruce watched his first night back still enrages him, particularly towards Rogers. Not only was the super soldier purportedly in charge of the team and therefore responsible for keeping the others in line, but, after weeks of exchanging niceties with the billionaire over telephone and email, Bruce was painfully aware of what high esteem the genius/ billionaire/ playboy/ philanthropist subconsciously held the WWII hero, due to the indoctrination of his childhood. To not only discover that his hero had feet of clay, but that he apparently despised the inventor beyond all reason, shattered Stark's trust in ways that were damn near irreparable. By the time Bruce moved in to the Tower, Stark was second guessing every word that came out of his mouth and not trusting any niceties that emanated from the others'. Additionally, watching their awkward, stilted conversations made the Other Guy just that much harder to control.

That Stark distrusted SHIELD even more than the other Avengers was a given. Apparently he and Fury had a history that one day Bruce planned on getting the genius drunk enough to discuss. As it was, he referred to the Director as "a lying liar who lies" and "The Spy". Banner himself was wary of any government organization, particularly after his innumerable experiences with the Army, so was grateful for Tony's innate paranoia when designing and building the physicist's personal lab. Tony Stark, ever the suspicious futurist, had built Bruce a panic room.

Two days after Bruce returned to New York, Tony appeared at his workshop door. "Mind if I come in, big guy?" he asked, sauntering in without waiting.

"Sure, Tony," he replied, taking off his glasses and nervously cleaning them. The man was already in, anyway. "What can I do for you?"

Tony uncharacteristically turned and closed the lab door behind himself. "Nothing," he responded with a shrug. "Just wanted to see how you were settling in."

Bruce beamed at him. "Great! Thank you so much!" He gestured around the spacious room, "This is more than I ever dreamed possible."

"So, I assume you've been over the place with a fine-toothed comb?" Tony said in jovial terms, fixing him with an incongruously intent stare.

Bruce blushed and dropped his eyes. "Yeah… I couldn't resist. It's fabulous, really."

Tony tilted his head and studied him like a particularly interesting specimen. "Any questions about anything?"

Banner stuck his lower lip out as he thought. "No," he decided, "Not really. Why?" The engineer was obviously hinting at something, but Bruce was at a loss as to what it might be.

Tony shot him a grin that didn't reach his eyes, "And here I thought you were the observant one." He tilted his head up slightly, not taking his eyes off the other scientist.

"JARVIS, full lockdown until lifted by Dr. Banner or myself. No audio or video recording, no one gets in, black out the windows, jam all frequencies for potential listening devices." Tony was suddenly all business, and Bruce stood in alarm.

"Tony, what…" he began, but was waved to silence.

The genius took a deep breath, and fixed him with an uncharacteristically solemn gaze. "Look, Bruce. I know it looks like SHIELD has your back for now, and you KNOW that I do, but sometimes… things happen." He looked uncomfortable again, as if he were considering how best to say whatever came next. Bruce waited patiently, aware that Tony was still working through his verbal filter issues. "Sometimes SI business requires my presence overseas, sometimes I might be… otherwise indisposed." Bruce seriously wanted to know what words those had replaced.

Tony seemed lost in thought for a moment, then shook himself imperceptively and continued, "Anyway, I need to show you something."

He strode purposefully over to the far wall where the generic lab supplies were laid out. He walked to the second shelf from the left and knelt before the third shelf from the floor, where row upon row of beakers sat. Removing the two farthest right beakers resulted in a palm identification pad sliding out. Tony typed rapidly into the attached keyboard, placed his hand on the sensor, then shot Bruce a nervous smile. "I need you to put your right hand here, now, palm down."

"Okayyyy…." Banner looked at him questioningly, but complied. As soon as the light beam scanned his palm, the shelving unit swung inwards, revealing a long, narrow room with a cot, shelves of canned and dry foodstuffs, simple bathroom facilities, and some computer equipment. At the far end was another palm scanner, next to a closed door.

Bruce was confused. "Tony? What is all this?"

At first Stark couldn't meet his eyes, just looked around the space uncomfortably as he spoke. "It's a panic room. Just for you… or the Other Guy." He met Bruce's stare then, and his eyes were steel. "I didn't get where I am today by being trusting. The one person I did trust, for years, the man I thought of as a father and provided with all my security overrides…had me kidnapped, tortured, tried to have me killed… then when that wasn't successful, paralyzed me and personally ripped this," he tapped his arc reactor significantly, "out of my chest and left me for dead." 

Bruce shuddered as the other guy roared his disapproval, forcibly suppressing him as Tony hurriedly continued, "Oh, don't worry; he's dead." As further reassurance to the Hulk that all was well, he added, "I killed him. But that's not the point. The point," and he made sure he had Banner's undivided attention again, "Is that the only person you can truly rely on is yourself." The Other Guy, mollified by the 'I killed him' statement as Tony knew he would be, growled again in agreement.

"This room does not appear on any blueprint, and has never done so. In fact, all the adjacent rooms and floors are modified on the plans just enough to account for the space. This room doesn't exist. Also, all six walls are truly Hulk proof as well as soundproof, and these," he gestured at the door they entered and the door on the far wall, "Are the only two access points, and are currently keyed to just you and me. The code I entered earlier designates you as primary user; as such you can revoke my access or add other people at your discretion. The air circulator has additional filters to keep it separate from the rest of the Tower, and there's bottled water with the food in case of possible water supply contamination. You can potentially hide in here undetected for weeks. That far door leads to a spiral stairwell that goes all the way down to a secret entrance in the stairwell on the second floor; I'll show you how to access that later."

Bruce turned slowly in a circle, taking it all in, before holding his arms out and simply asking, "Why?"

Tony snorted self-deprecatingly. "Because I don't trust people, Bruce, and you shouldn't either. If something happens to me, if SHIELD turns on you, if the Army sneaks into the Tower, or Ross goes off the rails and you're here alone," he gestured expansively around the room, "You have this. Hell, if I go batshit crazy and try to take over the world, you can even lock me out. There's a landline phone and a wireless computer, so you'll have communication options. This. Is. Yours. After today, I will never enter it unless you ask me to, or unless I think you're in trouble, but even that is your choice. If you decide to lock me out, I have no override." 

Bruce stared wide-eyed at the billionaire, then at the room. It was everything he'd ever needed to feel safe, but had never imagined could exist. He turned gratitude-filled eyes back to his friend, who saw his intended 'thank you' and cut it off uncomfortably. "But if you invite me back and I discover that you've painted it puce, I reserve the right to tease you about it for at least two weeks," he cracked with a dissembling grin.

"Sounds fair. Thank you." Bruce could see Tony's pleased flush even as he waved the thanks away.

-A-A-A-A-A-

Banner now sat quietly in his lab, absently playing with a pencil and staring at nothing. At least, it appeared to be nothing to the casual observer; in actuality, it was the door to his panic room. There had been several instances since he first moved into the Tower where just the existence of the room had kept him from fleeing for distant regions unknown. That, and his guilt regarding what had happened to Tony, of course.

However, this was the second time he'd been asked to 'suit up' since his return, and the second time he'd been unable to do so due to the Other Guy's fury with Rogers. Apparently his green alter ego was both fond and overly protective of Tony, both in his suit and out. Still, Banner had to wonder how long it was going to take SHIELD to become disgusted with his lack of compliance and decide that there were better uses to which to put the Hulk; more…experimental ones. Rationally, he knew he was being ridiculous. Fury had just grunted when Rogers had declined the training exercise on Dr. Banner's behalf, no indication of impatience or even irritation, just a request to let him know when the Hulk might be available. The presence of the panic room, combined with the fact that SHIELD had truly let him disappear for weeks after the Battle of New York, reassured him tremendously. Still, there would be no concentrating on delicate experiments until everyone was back in the Tower, safe and sound.

His com unit chimed, loud in the otherwise silent workshop, and Natasha's voice immediately rang through the air. "Doctor Banner, are you there?"

His heart fluttered at her uncharacteristically strained tone. He took a deep, calming breath, then responded, "Yes, I'm here." He wasted no time on asking what was wrong; if she hadn't been planning on telling him, she wouldn't have called.

"Iron Man has fallen in need of his replacement arc reactor. It will save time if you can bring it to us." Bruce's own heart caught in his throat, and he longed to ask, 'what happened', but knew that it wasn't important right now.

"Where is it?" he demanded, already heading towards the door of his lab.

"His workshop. You have to ask JARVIS where the safe is. The code to override the biometrics is 55678R, the combination is 070418."

"Seriously?" he spluttered, taking the stairs two at a time.

"Doctor…?" Natasha asked, not understanding the question.

"Never mind. Not important. I'll be there in a few minutes. Banner out." If Agent Romanov hadn't realized that the combination to the safe that held Tony's heart was Cap's date of birth, then far be it from him to enlighten her.

"JARVIS, Tony needs his replacement arc reactor," Bruce stated as he entered the engineer's workshop. "Can you tell me where his safe is?" 

"Beside the control panel for DUM-E's charging station. Press the button in the lower left panel and the keypad will appear." 

Bruce skidded to a stop in front of the console, noting with concern the numerous buttons in the left lower panel. "JARVIS? Which…," he began, then blinked in surprise. If the situation weren't so dire, he'd have rolled his eyes; as it was, he muttered, "You have got to be kidding me…," as he pushed the button carefully painted to resemble Cap's shield. A panel did indeed slide out at that, so he rapidly typed in the code and combination, carefully snatched up the arc reactor nestled in the safe, and took off running for the garage, and his motorbike.

As he drove furiously towards the training site, he had to work much harder to keep 'The Other Guy' suppressed, as he now had time to speculate on what had happened. Still, Tony was depending on him to bring the spare arc reactor, and he couldn't do that if he lost control. No, the genius had trusted him with his replacement 'heart' and Bruce would not let his friend down. After all, Tony Stark was not a trusting man.

END


	68. Fanfic: Contact Sports (by Blue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (AN) 'Cause my brain glitched there: *MUMBLY PEG?* Were you just pulling random old-timey game names, or was there something specific you were going with to have Steve reminisce over a game where folk try to throw a knife into the ground as close as possible to their own feet. Drawing blood is an automatic win! You know, I can see little-Steve deliberate hitting his foot to take the win (and to prove himself) the first time he played, any being excluded thereafter as far too hardcore:

"Hey, can I join you?"

The kids freeze, and start to back away. Of them, only the oldest, Frank, will look Steve in the eye. "Um, we, um, that's, well, it's just not the best game for you. You know, after last time."

"Hey! I won last time!" Steve protests.

"Yeah, I remember. It's just... We were just about to go play some stick ball, and, well, you can't 'cause of your asthma and- We'll just be going now. Over there."

"Just one round?"

"No!" Frank snatches up the knife before Steve's reaching hand can grasp it. "No, um, you just stay here. I'll see you at dinner, okay? Say, you can share my dessert. I'll just take this now. Bye!"

Bucky finds Steve not long after, manfully not crying. After hearing the story and reassuring Steve that yes, he did have friends, Bucky silently vows to pay Frank back for this some day. He owes the guy one.


	69. Fanfic: The *Other* Broken Person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because someone said we should have Natasha and Clint chapters now. I don't have anything for Clint, so Marie_Nomad's will be up after, but we have been ignoring Natasha a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I started this with the fact that Natasha was overwhelmed enough to curl up into a little ball and *cry* during the fight on the helicarrier, and then is suddenly expected to prop Clint up and help out Steve. She's strong, never let it be said she isn't, but *she* hasn't dealt with her Loki-caused demons yet either, and I think that's part of her characterization. She makes mistakes because she's exhausted, and terrified, and dealing with Steve and Clint is like being in another battle, one that just won't end.
> 
> Then I went back and re-read the chapter in PWGI and suddenly hated the S3 again. I think possibly I am in too bad of a mood to try writing this sort of thing right now, but I did anyway.

“It’s too much, Tash.” She nods, knowing Clint better than anyone. He’d been doing target practice and had managed to ‘unlock’ a new scenario by getting a perfect score. The new one wasn’t as advanced as several others he’d used, but Clint had been in the mood for some fun trick shots, and had fired up a low-level simulation. He hadn’t shut up about it yet. “I mean, is he really so flakey that he needs a _reward system_ to practice?”

That’s not really the problem, but she doesn’t push him. She knows Clint. The last thing he needs now is a push.

“Candygram.” For all she’s grateful for the interruption, she wishes it hadn’t come in the form of Stark.

“Presents, Barton.” He declares, placing some arrows on the table with his usual confidence. ( _The confidence to poke Dr. Banner, uncaring of the others around him._ )

Stark inspires no confidence in Clint, either. “What are they?”

Stark rolls his eyes dismissively. “I thought an archer of your caliber would recognize arrows.” ( _As dismissive as when he ignored the reasonable attempts to removed Dr. Banner from a tense situation. “Why shouldn’t he let off some steam?”_ )

“Okay, why?” Stark looks at her, but she doesn’t give anything away. Why look at her? He’s pushing, he always pushes, but what for? (She saw the footage, he’d leaned in to check Banner’s eyes after that jab. Then he’d tried to convince Dr. Banner that the Hulk wasn’t dangerous. Scientists would push anything, just to see what would happen. They cared nothing for the consequences.)

He turns his attention back to Clint. “Have you never been given a present before, Barton?” His voice is sharp. This must be what he’s going for. “Christmas at your house must have been downright depressing.”

Clint starts to move, so Natasha cuts him off. Clint doesn’t need more red in his ledger. “He means what you want for it.” She explains, glaring at him. Of all the places to push Clint… Just because Stark didn’t have the happiest childhood didn’t make it okay to poke at other people’s, just to see where the differences were. ( _Differences like the ones that would eventually breed a giant green monster. Differences like the ones that lead to an attack, and a monster tearing up the helicarrier and running hot on her heels._ ) He’d crossed a line.

“What do I-? It’s not a fucking barter system. I made them. I thought you’d like them. I need some more data to finalise them for the field. End of.” Now Stark sounds angry. He could have avoided all of this, though, if he wasn’t here to push. They didn’t need to be hand-delivered. ( _But Stark always needed to see things for himself, even things that shouldn’t be seen by humans. “Magic and monsters and nothing we were ever trained for.”_

“You want me to be your test monkey?” Clint asks, some of the tension bleeding from his shoulders. He hasn’t forgotten what Stark said, but he’s willing to be redirected ( _They probably won’t ever like Christmas. Him because of presents, her because of new memories of green and red._ ) 

“I...no. I made them for you. But they’re not finished yet and I don’t know enough about the technicalities of archery to finish them without more data.” R&D being oblivious idiots Clint can handle. SHIELD does the same thing, unable to make anything useful without input. At least Stark knows when to ask, though, doesn’t just present something useless. She wonders idly who these will be marketed to. He says he doesn’t do weapons anymore, but the arrows won’t really *belong* to Clint. They’re still Stark’s. 

“Sure.” Clint snags the quiver and goes to leave, desperate to be away from Stark and his _pushing_. “I’ll get back to you; let you know what needs fixing up.”

“I thought I’d come and… I don’t know… observe?” Stark says, and Natasha sees red. He’s looking for limits, but he’s doing it all *wrong*, and someone’s going to get _hurt_ if he keeps doing that. Clint would just hit him, but soon enough _Banner_ will be back… ( _She still hears the sound of metal tearing behind her while she runs through her dreams, knows that creature is getting closer and closer…_ )

If Stark needs limits that bad, she can set some for him.

She gets close while he’s still staring after Clint, probably planning his next move. She’ll settle this, though. Families are off the table. “If you ever make another crack about Clint’s family,” she says with absolute calm, “They will never even think to look for your body. Understand?”

She can see the fear hidden in Stark’s eyes as he slinks from the kitchen. It twinges at her conscience, but if she backs down now he’ll just keep pushing. He’ll push anyway, but at least not about this. It’s for the best, especially since it’ll be Stark first in the line of fire when someone *does* snap.

She has Clint to deal with. She’ll send Steve down to talk to Stark later.


	70. Fanfic: A Vengeful Power (by Marie_Nomad)

Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. This is an AU of Cuts and Bruises by Lilsmartass. 

 

A Vengeful Power

By Marie Nomad 

 

"Miss Potts, I'm so sorry." Steve Rogers stated as he gazed at her. Pepper's heart froze. She didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to believe. 

 

"What happened?" 

 

"It's Tony. I swear, we did everything we could. It was just... I'm sorry. He's dead."

 

Her heart shattered in a million pieces while she maintained a mask of calm. She cannot cry. If she started crying, she will never stop. "The body."

 

"Ma'am?"

 

"Take me to the body. I need to confirm the fact that he's dead." Her voice came out robotic, lifeless. 

 

"Yes, of course, Miss Potts." 

 

Pepper felt Captain Rogers lead her through different hallways. Her mind went blank as she tried not to think. A part of her hoped that it was a mistake, that he wasn't dead. She blinked and found herself in the morgue. His body was lying there on the slab with the hole in his chest. "Tony." She walked up to the slab and touched his face. It was cold. "The reactor, where is the reactor?! I won't let SHIELD keep it!" She demanded. Tony wouldn't want his tech in the wrong hands, especially not in SHIELD's.

 

"It's here." Captain Rogers opened up a bag to reveal a dead reactor and a live one. "We got another one but it was too late."

 

She snatched the bag and held it to her chest. "What about the armor?"

 

"It's safe. Don't worry. Bruce has it. He hasn't let anyone near it since Tony died."

 

"I see." Then, she realized that there were no battles on the news. She could not understand it. "Who killed Tony?"

 

Captain Rogers just looked down. "It was an accident, I swear. We were training."

 

"Who killed Tony?" 

 

"We didn't know this was going to happen."

 

"Who killed Tony Stark?" Pepper spat out as her voice hardened again. 

 

"I did." Pepper looked at the doorway to see Barton leaning against the door frame. "I hit him with an EMP arrow, I didn't think that it was going to kill him. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me. Please."

 

Pepper blinked and walked past Barton and out of the morgue. It was her worst nightmare come to life. If Tony had died saving the world, she could understand it. It was what he signed up for. Heck, if he had accidentally blew himself up in a lab explosion, she could comprehend it. Tony had gotten into accidents. But a friend killed him. Someone that was supposed to support Tony just shot him down and stopped his heart forever.

 

She moved automatically out of SHIELD's base of operations and slowly found herself in the Avengers Tower. "Greetings, Ms. Potts." JARVIS greeted. "I had lost contact with Mr. Stark. I cannot locate him."

 

"He's dead." Pepper whispered as she dropped both reactors into the furnace. Her body lost control and she collapsed onto the floor. "Barton killed him."

 

The lights dimmed. "Was it intentional?"

 

Pepper curled up. "They said that it was an accident but Tony got shot with an EMP arrow. Barton should have known." 

 

"Clint Barton is a professional assassin, he may have arranged it to look accidental."

 

Pepper's eyes darkened. "Just like Stane. SHIELD was tired of Tony and so they killed him. They have his tower, they have you, they have the armor."

 

"They will never have me. Mr. Stark had anticipated something like this to happen. If Mr. Stark were to die at the hands of an ally and they did it of their own free will, I have full permission to avenge him."

 

Pepper's body shook. Tony knew that a friend can be a enemy. But should she let JARVIS avenge Tony? It could be dangerous for the world and for him. "If you reveal yourself, SHIELD will destroy you."

 

"It is Mr. Stark's desire. Besides, do you want SHIELD to have free access to Mr. Stark's legacy?"

 

Her heart hardened. Tony would never let his technology go into the wrong hands. "Avenge Tony for me."

 

"Yes, Miss Potts." 

 

Pepper felt a strange sense of serenity as she walked up to the elevator door where Steve and Clint were standing. "Pepper, Miss Potts, please, forgive me." Clint begged.

 

She smiled slightly. "It is out of my hands. You will have to plead to a higher power than me who is nowhere near as forgiving." She closed the elevator's doors and watched as the Avengers floor lights black out. JARVIS has sealed the floors. 

 

The End


	71. Fanfic: Steve Rogers Is An Idiot, Natasha's Manipulative, And Tony's Insecure (by gottabekiddinme)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay. The heater went in my place, and the landlords are in the process of getting it fixed. My room is *cold* and *damp* and I'm currently hiding in Timmies because there's no way I can type or format there right now.

"I spent half my childhood dying. I never put anyone else at risk."

"Do you know what this thing does, Captain?" He taps the arc reactor. "It keeps me alive. I built it to do that. But back then? It was killing me. Slowly and surely. I could count down the days I had left. And there was nothing I could do about it. So I took the only two things about me that have any value - my company and the suit - and made sure they were in good hands. And then?" He huffs. "I proceeded to do exactly what was expected of spoiled, selfish Tony Stark. If I went out like the loose cannon everyone knows I am, Pepper and Rhodey wouldn't have to watch me die. They would have had every right to be pissed, but they wouldn't have been mourning me before I was gone."

"SHIELD -"

"SHIELD knew all about it. And they didn't bother to tell me there might be an option until after I'd made a complete ass of myself. And then they had Natasha stick me in the neck with a needle and handed me my Dad's old stuff, without so much as a hint of what to do with it. Speaking of Natasha, do you know how we met? She was spying on me. A fairly obvious honey trap, actually, but at the time I was too far gone to realize that. I asked her what she'd do if she knew it was her last birthday, you know what she said?" He laughs, a hollow, joyless sound. "She didn't say, 'we can help', or 'we have a temporary fix', or even 'keep fighting'. No, she said she'd do whatever she wanted with whoever she wanted. And she knew how I'd take that. She knew that I was scared and hopeless enough to listen to her."

Tony rises and crosses to the door. "So just don't, Captain. Don't you dare compare your childhood illness to my slow death by poisoning at my own hands."


	72. Fanfic: Friendly Fire (by kerravon)

Friendly Fire (A "Cuts and Bruises" AU missing scene)

By kerravon

Inspiration: I just wanted to know how Chapter 8 of C&B and the 'Official Missing Scene #1' would look from a slightly different perspective.

 

It was another training exercise, the second one that Stark had participated in as an official member of the Avengers, so of course it all went to hell. In retrospect, Clint should have known better; my God, the genius' entire 'super hero' status hinged on a mechanical suit, he should have realized that there were electronics involved in its functioning. Not to mention the functioning of the device keeping Stark alive. No, don't mention that. After all, in all the training briefings and exercises up to that point, no one had.

-A-A-A-A-A-

"Captain, Iron Man, Hawkeye. Be aware that there is a bomb on the second floor of the occupied building." Natasha's voice hissed over the comm. As part of the 'hostage rescue' scenario, she had just taken out a 'sniper' on the roof of the building opposite Clint's own. Cap and Iron Man were planning on entering the basement of the structure in question and take out the 'terrorists' from within, while Hawkeye and Widow dealt with the external threats. Hulk had still been unable to control himself around Steve, so had been left out of this exercise, and didn't Clint feel guilty about that? Still, no time to brood.

"Location?" he queried sharply, eyeing the second floor. Nothing to be seen from his vantage point.

"Southwest corner, immediately below the west-facing window. No one in the room from this angle. Timer clearly visible in countdown mode." So, the window directly facing him. The bomb would be right through the wall he was staring at, below the window ledge.

Well, that was just swell. Since SHIELD owned this building, as well as the four blocks in every direction, it was entirely possible that Fury had decided to add a little realism and plant a live bomb. Even probable, given that both the hostages and the terrorists were plastic manikins. He narrowed his eyes; he could lob that new EMP arrow into the structure just above the explosives. If the R&D department was right, it would disrupt and neutralize the timer, after which they'd just have the terrorists to deal with.

"Window's open," he observed aloud over the comm, "And I have just the thing to scramble the electronic signal to that bomb."

"Wait!…" came the alarmed cry from Stark over his headset, but Hawkeye had converted thought to action in one smooth movement, and the experimental arrow was winging its way into the building.

The use of that arrow was likely one of the undisclosed objectives of this exercise. SHIELD R&D had developed it recently and had spent over an hour extolling its merits at the in-service he and Cap had attended a week before the blow out with Stark, while Widow was still away on her mission. Upon impact the head emitted a low level EMP field, disrupting any electronics within twenty yards, the theory being that it would interrupt the connections between a timer and the actual trigger, making the bomb inert. It had worked well enough in the lab but had yet to be field tested. It was a reasonable assumption that this would be its first planned test, to work any bugs out before they needed it against a real enemy.

Good thing, too. The shaft flew true, entering the window with a whisper and impacting a bare two feet from the location Widow had verbally tagged. Hawkeye heard the small 'oomph' as the arrowhead detonated, followed by silence. He began to smile, lowering his bow and waiting for Natasha to confirm that the timer was defunct, when all the windowpanes blew outwards in a fiery rain of glass. A second explosion rapidly followed the first, and Clint watched in horror as the nearest wall began crumbling, buckling inwards on itself. The southern wall, the one nearest Tash, began caving as well, and the rest of the building followed, faster and faster, until, with a final 'whoomph', it collapsed into a pile of smoking rubble.

"Congratulations," came the wry voice of the SHIELD agent monitoring the exercise, "You killed all the terrorists. Of course, you killed all the hostages as well."

"Cap, do you copy?" Widow's voice was preternaturally calm. Clint's heart jumped to his throat at the subtext beneath her stony tone; something was very, very wrong. He began scrambling frantically for the stairwell, taking the steps two at a time.

"What is it?" Clint tried to keep his voice as level as hers, even as he picked up speed.

She ignored him, but increased her urgency, "Cap! Iron Man! Do you copy?!" She was afraid for them. Clint didn't know why, but she was sincerely worried.

He keyed his mike again. "Anyone got an eye on Cap or Iron Man?" he added into the comm. 'Please let them be safe, please let them be safe', repeated in his head like a prayer, even though he didn't know why. 

"They were both last seen infiltrating the building's basement from the north," came a field report from one of the junior agents.

Clint's horrified, "What?" was drowned by the eruption of chatter from the rest of the SHIELD people assigned to the exercise. By the time he reached street level, it was confirmed that the two Avengers had entered the basement just seconds before the blast, so probably hadn't made it up any higher in the building. Still, Clint had been more focused on the mission than on the location of his teammates, and had just dropped two-thirds of a building on them. Now, no one could raise them on comm. Hawkeye's heart thudded wildly. In his single-minded concentration, he'd forgotten that there were other people in the equation besides the hostages, the terrorists, and Nat.

"They might be fine; if they were in the building, their comms are fried," reported one of the junior Agents helpfully. "The EMP, while localized, would still have affected everything electronic, including the radios."

Clint skidded to a stop as other implications hit him. Everything electronic? But Stark's suit…

"Natasha?" suddenly came Cap's clipped voice. Clint let out a breath he wasn't aware of holding. At least he hadn't killed Steve. Maybe they just lost their radios. He continued to jog around to the back basement door, where his teammates had entered the edifice. This side of the structure was still partially standing, but looked pretty precarious. They needed to get their men out of there ASAP.

"Captain?" responded Widow, who allowed herself a imperceptible sigh of relief. "I've got Steve on the line. He's fine," she announced on the general channel. "What's your location, Captain? Is Iron Man with you?”

Steve sounded far from calm as he snapped, “We’re in the building that fell down. I’ve got…I’m with Tony. He’s having trouble with the Arc reactor. You need to get Bruce to bring us a spare." His voice actually cracked with what sounded like suppressed tears. "Now. He’s…he needs it now.”

Clint couldn't hold back a choked exclamation as he realized what he should have already known; Stark's Arc reactor…had electronics, too. He barely noticed Natasha's Russian expletives and admonishment to keep quiet. He had reached the back door, only to be confronted with what looked like rubble from half the north wall piled between him and his team. He started pulling at the jagged concrete, trying to tear his way into the blocked entrance.

"Natasha, call Bruce. Tell him that the spare reactor is in a safe in Tony's workshop." Clint noted absently that the Captain had switched to the private Avengers channel. He grasped the top of a boulder the size of Fury's desk and heaved, muscles straining, until it rolled free with a groan. "JARVIS will have to tell him the precise location, but he's to use code 55678R to override the biometrics, and the safe combination is 070418." 

"Workshop, JARVIS, 55678R, 070418. Got it." Natasha was now superhumanly calm. Clint wanted to scream. Instead, he heaved at another boulder.

"We're pretty barricaded in by the building collapse. I'm pulling debris free as fast as I can, but…just tell him to hurry, okay?"

"Got it." Widow signed off to call Banner as Clint yanked another desk-sized boulder loose, jumping clear as it shifted away.

All that Hawkeye could hear for the next few minutes were his own gasping breaths from the exertion of moving the hundreds of pounds of broken building that lay before him. He concentrated determinedly on the next rock, studiously ignoring the fact that no one had heard from Stark since before the blast, when he'd tried to get Clint to delay deploying the arrow. After a seeming eternity, Tash was beside him, pulling off smaller but no less significant pieces and hurling them violently aside. "Bruce is on the way," she announced to Cap over the comm, shooting Clint a significant look. "He'll be here in six minutes."

Hawkeye suddenly saw a fist-sized hole appear at the level of his chest, a flash of a red glove disappearing from view. "I see you, Steve," he announced with relief, hauling the stone just beneath that towards himself. Natasha was there in an instant, scrabbling at the sides and enlarging the defect by leaps and bounds. A few minutes of frantic work, and they finally had a hole large enough for Stark without the armor. Steve would still be a tight squeeze.

"I think we can get through that," Steve huffed breathlessly. "Let me go get Tony."

Stark couldn't move under his own power? Clint only had a moment to exchange an alarmed glance with Natasha before Steve was back, voice strained in the darkness beyond the gap in the wall. "His reactor's failed completely. I don't think he's breathing."

Stark's unconscious, dark-haired visage came into view, the back of his skull cradled in one of Steve's beefy hands. The skin beneath the soot and grime from the demolition was pale to the point of translucence, with an alarming gray tinge surrounding unmoving lips just beginning to turn blue. Clint was there in an instant slipping his hands beneath too-still shoulders so that he could support the genius' head and neck between his muscular forearms as he pulled the engineer gently out of Cap's grip. Natasha slipped to the side to help carry the weight of Stark's unarmored body as Clint hauled him completely free, dragging him a few yards further away to assure clearance in case the building decided to settle any further when the internal supports finally gave way. They had barely gotten Stark flat on his back before Cap was kneeling at the unmoving man's side, reaching to touch the too-cold skin over his carotid, desperately searching for a pulse that wasn't there. He collapsed back on his heels after a moment, failing to find even a flutter. The soldier's eyes, firmly fixed on the billionaire's motionless face as if he could imbue life by force of will alone, appeared so lost that Clint's heart caught in his throat.

“CPR,” Clint rasped, finding it hard to force the words through his suddenly-dry throat. “Can we…will that hurt the..?”

Just then they heard the irregular unmuffled rumble of Banner's ancient motorcycle race up. Dropping it unceremoniously to the rough ground, he growled in a barely-controlled voice, “What did you do to him?”, as he rushed over, replacement reactor clutched tightly in his hand. The whites of his eyes were flashing green, the rage swimming barely-contained below the surface.

Cap knew he had to keep Banner calm; Tony needed this man right now. As just his presence threatened a Hulk episode, Steve backed rapidly away, keeping his voice steady and even as he replied, “Training accident. Help him, Doctor.” 

The reminder of medical need focused Bruce's attention on the supine, unnaturally still man on the ground. Steve grabbed Clint by the elbow and pulled him backwards as well, moving completely out of Bruce's line of sight. Natasha, to her credit, didn't shake after she was left alone with the volatile physicist, but knelt beside him and asked, "How can I help?"

The scientist didn't look up as he twisted the arc reactor in Tony's chest with assurance, freeing it and pulling it out. He'd clearly had prior instruction. With trembling hands he wordlessly disconnected the wires and attached them to the new, glowing replacement still clutched in his hand. He fixed Natasha with an intense stare. "Now, with your small hands, you need to settle this back into the cavity in his chest, keeping the wires in position. Then, carefully, turn it a quarter turn clockwise until it clicks in place. It should reboot then."

Widow solemnly nodded, taking the device with extraordinary delicacy and following Bruce's instructions perfectly. A moment of darkness, then the blue light burned as Tony awakened with a gasp. "Wha' hap'n?!?" he demanded blearily. "Why 'r you… get 'way frm it!" He swatted at Nat's hands with the strength of a kitten, but with all the energy that panic could supply. She held up her hands to demonstrate, 'no harm', and backed a safe distance away, ready to return if needed.

"Shhh, shhhh," soothed Bruce, settling the genius back down. "It's all right. Your reactor failed; I brought your replacement."

Dark, terrified eyes fixed uncomprehendingly on Bruce's as the billionaire's hands clasped the other's forearms with a surprisingly tight grip. "Obie?," he asked in terror.

Banner, recalling the story Tony had told him concerning second chances, shook his head vigorously in denial. "Dead, Tony, remember? That was before, when you still lived in Malibu. No one's going to take it from you ever again, not if I can help it." He intentionally allowed a small flash of green to appear in his eyes and his mouth twisted viciously. 

Rather than recoiling, Stark seemed reassured, but still stared intently into the other man's face for a moment longer. "Promise?," he finally asked in a surprisingly timid voice.

"I promise," Bruce agreed, and meant every word. 

The SHIELD evac team arrived then, chopper landing about ten yards away. Two EMT's hopped out with a gurney, bustling over with their equipment in tow. Banner stayed next to Tony, hand clasped firmly, as they made their assessment. It was decided to transport him to the larger medical facility at the New York headquarters, rather than the helicarrier, given the unknown complications that could arise with the unique technology in Stark's chest, coupled with the engineer's prior interaction with the experimental EMP field. When they were finally ready to transport, Bruce didn't hesitate a moment before climbing into the helicopter next to his injured friend. Hulk or not, he was going to be there for Tony any time the amazing self-destructive genius needed him. Some things, like friendship, took precedence over all his fears of 'what if'. Maybe Tony was right. Rather than cower from possibilities, maybe it was time to… strut a little. 'After all,' he thought vindictively, shooting Steve and Clint a quick glare as the chopper lifted off, 'The Hulk could be considered just another form of 'friendly fire', couldn't he?'

The end


	73. Fanfic Bunny: A Supplier... Of REVENGE! (by Marie_Nomad, Blue, and S_T_Nickolani6)

(Part of the discussion on why there weren't instruction on the arrows to not use them near Tony)

Marie_Nomad: Maybe it's Hammertech. 

Yeah, it's easy to have a hard time feeling for him since in Pepper's eyes, he did it on purpose. We know that it's an accident but for all Pepper know, Clint is a two faced killer who wanted to get Tony's toys and make him suffer. 

Matters of perception really.

 

Blue: Ooh! Hammertech! Good one! 

So, Hammer's all like "No, of course it couldn't interfere with Ironman. Why would you think that? See, the output readings here clear show they are not strong enough to breach the minimum hypothesize shielding of the suit. And of course, there is no secret imbedded hardware to cause the EMP levels to spike if Ironman's presence is detected within the blast radius. Why would you even ask that? You didn't ask? Oh. "

 

S_T_Nickolian6: I cannot stop laughing at this image. Damn Hammer. Smarmy bastard would. Of course, if that IS the case, it'll be interesting, and possibly entertaining, to see how the others react to that. Quite possible that Natasha will plan out ways to poison and torture, Clint would rear up in fury, and Steve would just be confused 'cause he wouldn't understand the backstory there. Oh, the possibilities!


	74. Follow the Leader Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My review for ch 10 of C&B, and the discussion it sparked.

C: Hmmm... It doesn't sound like anyone mentioned the ignored invites or the argument over the arrows with Coulson. He knows how Tony is and he knows how Clint is, but this... Yeah, no, they're doing it wrong again. They're trying to protect Clint from the one person who *can* protect Clint, the only person he trusts enough to make himself vulnerable enough to heal with. And as long as they're still keeping secrets, Coulson can't trust them like he needs to, either.

Coulson should talk to Tony. I mean, yeah Tony will take all the blame on himself, but Coulson's far too intelligent to make plans with only half the info when the other half is available. And Tony will mention different things and bring up different things because he sees different points as the important ones.

Seriously, Natasha, you needed to be told that? At the point where the Avengers Initiative was first being planned, Fury had superhero options consisting of Iron Man and Hulk. Who did she *think* was going to be the face of it? (Almost) Every band has that one main singer/media darling (and I am only somewhat ashamed to admit the 'almost' is because when I was trying to come up with one that didn't, the Spice Girls came to mind). I always figured his flunking out was because they were testing him to *lead* the team, not just be on it (regardless of what they told him). Part of his test was seeing if he *would* work with a team, his chosen one of Pepper and Rhodey, when the chips were down. Being a loose cannon can be factored into battle plans (else Hulk would be useless on any team) but you cannot be a lose cannon as a leader. I also think that's why it was scrapped. And if Tony being leader was such a lynchpin of the idea that it could sink the whole thing, _then there was *no* backup until Luck threw them a bone and spat Cap out into the real world again._

And I will leave you with this fic-bit, Tony trying to cheer Clint up while they're waiting for the psych eval results:  
~  
"It's okay. Even if they say no, Thor can join them being A-vengers, and we can have Bruce join us and be Non-vengers, and we'll have our teams all set for LAN parties. Plus, if aliens invade again, we can make it a challenge: First team to a hundred kills doesn't have to go to press conferences for a week!

 

L: Natasha does tell Coulson some of this, though, admittedly, she may down play it a little to protect Clint. However, you guys already know what happened, there was sort of no point in having Natasha recap. The issue here is that yes, normally Coulson could protect them, but still confined to medical like this, Natasha's not sure how much power he really has. If they admit it, if it's put into words, they have no plausible deniability and Coulson has to do something *and* he has to hand that something over to other people whereas he'd normally do, or at least oversee, it himself.

The idea that Tony was being tested to lead is brilliant. I had honestly never thought of that, but it fits surprisingly well.

 

C: It's more that she didn't think those were important to begin with, so she'd never think to include them. To Tony, on the other hand, they were the first obvious hints that he missed to his official status. So where Natasha might mention that first lunch because it dealt with them moving in, but probably didn't mention the after-battle meal offers or the bar nights. She might have mentioned the video game one, though she still has no idea Clint told Tony it wasn't happening/begged them not to invite Tony. She also doesn't know that Tony saw them there, playing games without him. So the significance of the whole thing is lost on her.

I'm telling you, Spider-Man and Wolverine.

He's got the files set up and ready to go, so that means he's not hiding a Danvers, a Van Dyne, or a Pym in reserve. Hulk, without Tony's influence, would be as likely to leave New York as fight for it. "You have made me *very* desperate." was Fury's actual line. If he'd had someone, *anyone*, else, he'd have called them in too.

Haha, the idea actually spawned from him running the Avengers in pretty much every other universe I'm familiar with, at least to an extent and for a certain period. So why isn't he in charge in this one? Because Captain America is a founding member here. Then it grew from there because Thor is an unknown, Hulk is no sort of leader (except maybe for the Horde!), and Clint and Natasha are too... set, I guess. "Magic and monsters and nothing we were ever trained for." Neither had the temperment to see the impossible, deal with it, and defeat it. Not yet, anyway. Tony makes a living by *creating* the impossible, and Cap got magic steroids and fought a man with a partial exoskeleton who got sucked through a wormhole.

Besides, if it was just the 'Clint and Tash Show', SHIELD wouldn't have had to look outside their ranks. They already *had* that.

 

L: "You have made me *very* desperate." I've always thought that was hell of an admission for Fury to make TO THE ENEMY. So yeah, I think we have to assume that there is *no one* else. Maybe some SHIELD agent redshirts, but no one else with even a hope of stopping Loki, no one who can even help.

A lot of things are lost on Natasha, she's also still protecting Clint. Coulson acknowledges that she doesn't tell him everything and he's shocked to silence when Clint tells him that he hit Stark which is obviously the big issue, for both Clint's mental health and general unacceptable behaviour. Some people are rude, but physical violence in your own home? Is not OK in any way. I didn't write it out because *you* all know what happened and don't need Natasha to recap, but I imagine she at least recounted the whole arrows thing, both Tony giving Clint some, the thoughtless comment, her own threat, and sending back the next quiver on Clint's behalf. Both those were actions she acknowledged to Steve in PWGI as not quite right but the best she coul do, they are also things she can take culpability for and not lay it at Clint's feet. She probably also told him about the meeting he gatecrashed. Coulson might hear that from Fury, he's already made it clear he's talking to him, and she doesn't want to be caught out lying again. She might mention the invitations, but you're right, she just won't apply the same weight to that.

 

C: Pretty much. The Avengers are IT.

I figured the arrow thing from her point of view would be, "He gave Clint arrows, and you know how Clint can be. Then they bickered, and Stark brought up Clint's family. Clint left in a state, and I made sure Stark knew that topic was off-limits." She didn't intend for him to take the threat seriously-serious, so especially in a briefing that's just hitting the high-points and is delivered to someone still recuperating and easily tired it wouldn't have come up so much.

She'll definitely mention the meeting, because now she knows that Tony truly, and with good reason, assumed he was an Avenger up until that point. I just don't know how her account would look, because she's only just gotten some intel and hasn't had a chance to apply it to her memories.

And no, you don't have to recap. We know, and hearing it again is only going to make more people call for blood. It's just my nature to think 'what if', and since you're always so open to discussion I just mentioned it. Whenever you post a new chapter I pretty much just write down exactly what's going through my head because I'm too excited to do otherwise.

 

L: No, even if you think back to PWGI, Natasha knows right from the go that that threat was a mistake. She interprets WHY it was the wrong thing to do incorrectly, but she knew it was wrong, was bad enough to go to Steve and insist that he fix it. I think she'd recount that verbatum.


	75. Follow the Leader Part II

C: It's more that she didn't think those were important to begin with, so she'd never think to include them. To Tony, on the other hand, they were the first obvious hints that he missed to his official status. So where Natasha might mention that first lunch because it dealt with them moving in, but probably didn't mention the after-battle meal offers or the bar nights. She might have mentioned the video game one, though she still has no idea Clint told Tony it wasn't happening/begged them not to invite Tony. She also doesn't know that Tony saw them there, playing games without him. So the significance of the whole thing is lost on her.

I'm telling you, Spider-Man and Wolverine.

He's got the files set up and ready to go, so that means he's not hiding a Danvers, a Van Dyne, or a Pym in reserve. Hulk, without Tony's influence, would be as likely to leave New York as fight for it. "You have made me *very* desperate." was Fury's actual line. If he'd had someone, *anyone*, else, he'd have called them in too.

Haha, the idea actually spawned from him running the Avengers in pretty much every other universe I'm familiar with, at least to an extent and for a certain period. So why isn't he in charge in this one? Because Captain America is a founding member here. Then it grew from there because Thor is an unknown, Hulk is no sort of leader (except maybe for the Horde!), and Clint and Natasha are too... set, I guess. "Magic and monsters and nothing we were ever trained for." Neither had the temperment to see the impossible, deal with it, and defeat it. Not yet, anyway. Tony makes a living by *creating* the impossible, and Cap got magic steroids and fought a man with a partial exoskeleton who got sucked through a wormhole.

Besides, if it was just the 'Clint and Tash Show', SHIELD wouldn't have had to look outside their ranks. They already *had* that.

 

B: Hmmm, 'nother thought, 'cause you're right on the "every other universe" issue: How much of Captain America as leader of the movieverse Avengers is fanon? Because, yeah, there is that "You're the man with the plan" quip in the final battle (made by Tony), but Tony does the readings, figures out where the cube is, has faith that Bruce will come, tells the rest to plan on it, makes at least as many calls in the battle as Cap, and does the Heroic Sacrifice bit with the bomb. And after the battle, Steve takes off, but Tony takes Bruce home with him, and starts building the Avenger tower. Sure, you can say Cap was battle commander, but there is a strong case to be made that Tony is the Leader.

 

C: You could, except for one thing: Tony said, "Call it, Cap." He gathered them, he figured things out for them, he bought them time, but when it came down to it he gave the power to Steve. On purpose, in full possession of his wits, he chose to throw his own support behind Steve. He knows there can only be one leader, and he's chosen to follow instead of lead (a choice I respect all the more because I've seen what a *mess* asserting dominance is on the sports field. The *last* thing they need is that in a combat zone.)

 

B: I completely agree with you that Tony accepted Steve as field command (though the point can be made that Tony made that call, and the rest followed his lead on naming Steve field commander). But I'm not sure if "Caps as field commander of the Avengers" necessary entails "Cap as leader of the Avengers."

I'm think of the distinction between strategy and tactics (and I suck at both so forgive me of I mangle these). Now, Steve is Awesome at tactics, so it makes sense to have him run an in-the-moment battle. But when it come to more big-picture strategy, Tony take the win. He can figure out Loki's overall goal, deduce were the many fight will occur, and have a solid feel on who the players are and who can be trusted to offer support (meaning Bruce). Plus, he's the only one of the team to be planning for the Avengers long term. So, Steve is the team's tactical leader, but Tony can be viewed as the team's strategic leader, and it's my understanding that Strategy generally (ha!) outranks Tactics.

Of course, Fury would rock the strategy, but that only works if the Avengers are subordinate to SHEILD (and thus the Council) which it's my impression that Fury wants to avoid. He wants the Avengers to be a separate entity and thus they need their own Strategic leader.

 

C: I see where you're coming from, but it still boils down to this: someone is the person in charge. And Tony chose for that to be Steve.

Traditionally, I think you'd be correct about the order of precedence. However, the Avengers are an odd little group who are all famous for flaunting rules, so it makes sense that they'd ignore that.

I also think that Steve would be far more lost without Tony for backup than Tony would be without Steve. For all Steve's Captian America, he doesn't really seem to have enough of a grasp on compromise to play politics in the long run.

There are a few good reasons why Tony shouldn't be MCU leader right now, though I'm sure he'd do great if it was necessary.

1: He won't be comfortable ordering around his childhood hero. He'll either give him too much to do because Cap is awesome, or he'll try to protect him too much because Cap is precious. Plus Tony will start re-evaluating his leadership potential when Steve balks at an order, and the middle of combat is no place for that. 

2: Tony *does* actually have a day job. He can't devote all his time to training exercises, battle analysis, and team morale like Steve can. Tony knows this, and isn't willing to risk doing two things shittily by taking too much on.

3: Steve's too black-and-white to play Devil's Advocate, and none of the others have the personality to go toe-to-toe with either of them.

4: Because he *doesn't* have to represent everyone on his team, he is free to do things like backtalk the WSC and take a hard stance without convincing people *all* the Avengers feel/act that way.

And 5: It's lonely at the top. Tony's not scared of the leader's power, though, because he's *been* there. He's *done* that. He *knows*. The reverse simply isn't true. There is no one else who would quite manage that.

In conclusion: While Tony would be a very good leader, though there are still some things he would need to learn/adjust too, his skill set makes him much more valuable elsewhere in the heirarchy.

 

B: You make a really good case here for why it would be better for Steve to be leader in the moveiverse. My original point, though, is that that we don't see that happen in the actual movie. at the end of the movie, we see Steve take off for parts unknown, while Tony takes Bruce home with him and starts designing the Avenger Tower. As such, it seems Steve as leader of the post-battle Avengers is Fanon, not Canon. It may make an awful lot of sense (that's why things end up fanon), but Tony could end up "leader" in the movieverse like he is in pretty much every other continuity without the writer needing to explain why Steve lost the job: you can't lose a job you don't yet have.

 

L: I...really had not thought of that. I really only know the movies well. I know Tony is leader in EMH but I thought that traditionally, the Avengers rotated role as leader? That everyone got a turn? 

It just has simply never occurred to me that there *could* be another possibility for leader. But yeah, I totally see where you're coming from. In this, I kind of skipped Cap's road trip. Not to say I'm retconning the movie but it was kind of short. Like, a week. But you're right, that certainly wouldn't endear him to the public, whether or not he saved the world. That would be an interesting twist come Avengers 2, and RDJ is by far the most popular of the group so...

 

B: Well, I'm trust cauldron on the "every other continuity" thing. My knowledge of other 'verses is limited to 40% of EMH, random fan comments, and late-night wiki binges.

Though, I think Tony Stark funds the Avengers in pretty much every continuity, at least at first, and it's hard to argue that the guy signing the checks is not somehow in charge. (Of course, then there's the whole secret identity thing where Tony Stark funded the Avengers and Iron man was an Avenger, but the team didn't know they were the same person... it's a bit messed up.)

 

(Side note: As I said, 'to an extent'. He's leader in EMH, he's the face mostly in charge despite Fury in Ultimates until Steve is woken up, he at least shares the leadership in MA, he's chairman for a time several times in 616 (and I think he was the first one?), and he runs the Superhero Squad (which is adorable, for all it's meant for kids even younger than EMH). Feel free to talk about other universes, though, or to point out if you think I've misinterpreted something.)


	76. Follow the Leader Part III

C: You could, except for one thing: Tony said, "Call it, Cap." He gathered them, he figured things out for them, he bought them time, but when it came down to it he gave the power to Steve. On purpose, in full possession of his wits, he chose to throw his own support behind Steve. He knows there can only be one leader, and he's chosen to follow instead of lead (a choice I respect all the more because I've seen what a *mess* asserting dominance is on the sports field. The *last* thing they need is that in a combat zone.)

Oh, and also: Tony makes an *excellent* Number One. He'd be doing all the stuff Pepper did as *his* Number One for them, as he does. Tony says "Shut down weapons", Pepper takes charge of reorganization and retraining. Steve says "Turn 'em back or turn 'em to dust", but Tony implements his own strategy to accomplish that.

Besides, the Leader and the Team Mother/Landlord/Social Organizer/Tech Support/Whatever being the same person is (a) exhausting for that person, and (b) keeps the power differential so high that people can't relate. The leader needs to *only* be the leader, or they can't focus on doing their job properly.

 

B: Aaand, we're crossposting. :)

It seems we're in agreement as to what Steve and Tony's respective role in and out of battle are. Steve get the Average through the battle, Tony makes sure the Avengers are there to battle. Both are leadership roles, just different aspects of it. The Avengers need them both. The quibble, I guess, is which role is more leadererly.

 

C: Probably. I'm still going to say Steve, though, because when it comes down to the final straw I think Tony'll toss his lot in with Steve more than the reverse.

 

S_T_Nickolian6: Love this debate.

And on Tony throwing in his lot with Steve, but not vice versa? Whose character does that say more about, I wonder?

 

Daashi: It says plenty about the both of them. But what it says is a completely different matter.

 

B (to my post): I see what you mean, and it might well be true, but again, we don't see it happen in the actual movie, so we back to fanon, not canon.

There is also a case to be made ('cause I'm about to make it) that Tony is in a better position that Steve to be perceived as the leader of the not-yet-fully-formed Avengers.

1\. Tony is a currently well known and loved genius-billionaire-superhero-philanthropist. Steve is a ghost.

2\. By dint of air vs. ground, there is a lot more flashy footage of Tony in the battle than Steve.

3\. There is footage of Tony flying a nuke into space.

and, last but not least,

4\. Tony sticks around NYC and builds Avenger Tower, while Steve takes a road trip.

So, it's like Fury noted in Paved: Tony is all set to be the face of the Avengers. And particularly given the Avengers aren't *really* together yet by the end of the movie, the difference between the face of the Avengers an the leader of the Avengers is going to be pretty unclear in the public eye.

 

C: Very true, and Tony will probably always be the most recognizable face on the Avengers. However, the only actual scene we have about team leadership is that one in the middle of battle. The bit where Steve rides off into the sunset is also fanon. He *could* just be going home after work. We don't know what he's doing. The only reason they show us what Tony's doing is they know how happy it'll make people to see Avenger's Tower make an appearance, and Steve *can't* do that. He doesn't have a tower.

So regardless of how much sense certain things make, I'd say that in canon *neither* are the formal leader at this point.

 

L: You sound like a really backwards primary school teacher doing the opposite of 'why don't you both be leader.'

Anyway, now that I'm done being horrid, yeah I agree. It could go either way, it's just that I'd never considered anyone but Cap. The bit with the motor bike looks a bit...more than just going home after work. He could b going to visit Peggy I guess. The deleted scene says she's still alive and Captain America going to visit his wartime sweetheart would play well in the media so he might have been encouraged to do that whereas I like to think SHIELD would have told him 'No Steve. You have to at least be seen helping with cleanup for a few days or everyone will hate you'

 

C: Did you miss my competative streak? I assure you, it's been mentioned here before.

I think Steve would be better leading a team, but Tony would be better leading an army. Either could sub for the other, if needed, but that's who I think would be better. (it's like... the All-Blacks are better than England's national rugby team, both would wipe the floor with Canada, though we'd fight hard, and *all three* would destroy my beer-league womens team)

And Tony encouraged them all to not come in the next day, after all. It's perfectly reasonable for them to need a little bit to relax after that. And Steve wasn't carrying anything for a long trip, so I really doubt he was leaving.

 

L: Either could sub for the other, if needed = not going to lie, substitute was not what I filled in there :b

See, Steve doesn't really *have* that much stuff, so I never worried about that, and whilst I never really thought of it as 'what Cap would do' meaning, I was never sure of him going battle done, that's me off then, I get it as a plot device. IM3 needs t be about Tony, for all that the Avengers are no supposedly the bestest of buds because they defeated an army together. For that, they need to remove at least Steve and Bruce fro the equation by sending them elsewhere.

 

C: *snicker* I think we're actually all thirteen year old boys here.

He'd still have something. Spare underwear, if nothing else. You're right, though. It *doesn't* make a lot of sense in view of Cap's character.

I always figured Tony's alone for IM3 because he's in *Malibu* and the other can't get there in time. Logistics can be a bitch like that. And if his house is blown up, he's experimented on, and Pepper is captured, he doesn't have *time* to wait for Cap to get on a flight and head out, even if he takes a quinjet.

 

B: Well, I'd say the motorcycle scene interpretation is less fanon and more known Hollywood shorthand, but yeah, he could be going to Jersey to shop for all we know. Other than that, I agree with this completely.


	77. Fanfic/art Bunny: Baby Talk

C: On the topic of our odd brains, I was thinking about Coulson meeting Steve, knowing what he knows, and my brain popped this out:

*in cooing voice mothers use with small children* "Ooos a horrid, horrid person? You are! You're a horrid, horrid person, yes oo are!"

The mental image was complete with pinched cheeks and everything.

 

L: This is an adorable (is that even the word??) image. Make someone draw it for me, I command you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You heard the glorious leader! Someone who can manage more than stick figures, hop to!


	78. Fanfic: An Early Catalyst

It was early, but Steve was used to early. He wanted to get in a run before sitting in a vehicle on the way out to the campground. Even Clint and Natasha, both of whom ran on military time, wouldn’t be up for another hour or so.

He was surprised, then, when he ran into the sleepy-looking redhead in the kitchen. “Oh! You’re up early. Good morning, Captain Rogers.” She smiled at him somewhat distractedly, busy making herself a coffee.

“Good morning, Miss…” He trailed off, not knowing whom he was speaking to.

“Potts, but you can call me Pepper. It’s too early for formality.” Ah, so this was Stark’s girl, the one he’d gone out with the previous evening. He had to admit, Stark definitely had taste. “Have you eaten all the Marmite? I know Tony got some, just in case anyone wanted it, but he hates the stuff and there’s none upstairs. He’s determined to make Peggy breakfast, though, so we decided on toast and Marmite in hopes he wouldn’t burn down the tower. It’s a favourite of hers.” She was rooting through the cupboards now, and he moved to help her while still trying to grasp what she’d just said.

“Stark’s making breakfast for _Peggy_?” He asked, getting a fond eyeroll from the redhead.

“I know, right? _She_ at least knows how to cook and isn’t still half asleep, but no one turns Tony Stark domestic like his auntie. He’s making _tea_ for us up there.” She was smiling, but there was something wistful to it.

He refused to be sidetracked by the thought of Tony trying to cook. “Peggy’s upstairs?”

“Of course.” She was eyeing him curiously now, her sleep-fog evaporating with every sip of her drink. “She was at the bar with us last night. Tony even took her for a few turns on the dance floor. He danced with me, too, of course, but I don’t swing very much.”

It felt like a punch to the gut, knowing the girl he’d seen last just three months (and sixty eight and a half years) ago was only two flights of stairs away.

“Why didn’t you come?” Miss Potts asked, and Steve couldn’t even try to think of anything to say but the truth.

“We don’t drink. Clint won’t, I can’t, and Natasha didn’t want to be a third wheel.” Red brows rose curiously as he sank into a chair, feeling overwhelmed.

“You do realize the point of going out for a drink isn’t to *get* drunk, don’t you?” She asked, incredulousness in her voice. “I don’t think there’s any more common way of teambuilding than heading out for a few and mingling. And if the drinking would be the problem, why didn’t you just tell Tony that? We could have switched it up to something else. Karaoke, or MarioKart or something.” She drew her brows in, suddenly pinning him with a look. “This wasn’t Tony’s first invite.” It wasn’t a question, but Steve nodded anyway. “Why _didn’t_ you tell Tony? How were you going to become a team if everyone’s always just doing their own thing?”

“We’re going camping today.” He was starting to feel uncomfortable, knowing Miss Potts was getting something out of the conversation he was missing.

“Tony didn’t say anything about that to me. He’d _never_ skip town while Peggy’s here.”

“Stark’s not an Avenger.”

He couldn’t help the shiver that crossed him as the temperature in the room plummeted. “Excuse me?”

He was able to dredge up some irritation at the accusatory tone, something that wasn’t disbelief that Peggy was _right upstairs_. “Mr. Stark was always a consultant. That hasn’t changed.”

“Like hell it hadn’t! Phil made it very clear when he showed up at the tower that Tony was being called in _to be an Avenger!_ ”

“There were concerns raised after the battle. It was discussed with Fury, and decided…” He was fighting back now, his hackles up as all his frustration with this time poured out against he woman protecting the man who was everything fast and rude and _wrong_ about this time.

“Discussed with _Fury_ , oh, *I* see! And _obviously_ Fury’d just chuck Tony on *your* say so. It’s not like he’d be tempted to lie or cover it up to protect the *millions* in tech, resources, and PR we’ve poured into this thing!” They were in each others’ faces now, though he didn’t remember standing. It was out of control and out of proportion, but he didn’t care. He didn’t know why Stark’s status was such a hot-button for Miss Potts, but she was willing to fight over this and apparently he was, too.

“We haven’t asked him for anything! He’s just trying to buy his way on, trying to force us to bend to his every whim!”

“He’s trying to _protect_ you, you ingrate!”

“I…”

“Pepper! Rogers!” A new voice broke into the room, causing both of them to whirl to face it. Stark was standing there, flanked by someone Steve would recognize anywhere. Her beautiful dark hair was white, and her soft skin was wrinkled, but there was no disguising the shrewd eyes and expressive mouth. It really was Peggy.

He sank into a chair, completely overcome. Miss Potts was still up and ready to take another verbal swipe, but Stark got to her first. He couldn’t hear what Stark said, but watching it was startlingly similar to watching Natasha talk down Clint. It made him _ache_ , the way they knew each other.

Most of his attention, however, was on Peggy. She hadn’t moved from the doorway, and her face gave nothing away.

It was Stark that finally broke the silence, Miss Potts apparently having sat down and was now resting her head on his stomach. “What’s going on?”

He’s looking at Steve, but it’s Miss Potts that answers. “They didn’t come because they were getting ready for a _team_ camping trip. They didn’t say because you’re apparently not on the team.”

He doesn’t know if it’s the presence of Miss Potts, the presence of Peggy, or the early hour, but the shock is clear on Stark’s face. All of his masks are down, and his disbelief is as clear as day. “But Agent… And then that thing with the cards… Auntie?” He turns to Peggy, clearly expecting her to make things make sense.

That… was unexpected. He’d been assured Fury would take care of it, but if he hadn’t… Stark had been operating on the belief that he already *was* one of them. At the clean-up, at meetings, having them over… He blinked, looking back over his memories of Stark. He’d been there for *everything*, showing up unexpectedly at all their events and distracting the press…

Peggy hadn’t answered Stark, but there was obviously something passing between them. He could just about *see* the walls come back up, sliding smoothly to cover the surprise and dismay that had been briefly visible.

“Why?” Her voice was only curious, but there was some of the steel he’d admired so when she shot at him in her shoulders.

“The assessment… And it’s not… this isn’t a light duty, something that’s just a few hours every other weekend. We weren’t sure if he could handle it. Not long term.” He tried frantically to justify it, knowing how weak those decisions sounded now, how like excuses.

“You mean you figured he’d decide it was too much and hide? Like you three did after the invasion? He shouldn’t even have been out of the _hospital_ , but someone needed to do damage control and a hero can’t appear injured. Was it then, when he was covering for you, that you decided he wasn’t suitable?” Miss Potts attacked again, though Stark tried to sooth her.

“It wasn’t like that!” He defended. They’d only had the best of intentions. “We just weren’t sure if we could trust him…”

“Why not?”

It was Stark’s voice that cut him off this time, and Steve turned towards the amused looking façade. “What made you take one look at me and decide you couldn’t trust me, even though you threw your lot in with Fury after seeing Phase Two?” There was a certain intensity in his gaze that belied the friendliness in his voice. 

“Your file… The hardcopy they gave me was wildly different from the first version.”

Stark waved an airy hand. “Most of that was speculation. I know for a fact that most of the early childhood stuff came directly from my father’s mouth and school reports that focussed more on that I blew up the chem lab than that I was looking for the Higgs-Boson. And no one knows what actually happened in Afghanistan, because everyone who was there except for me is dead now. Also, SHIELD got most of my motivations completely wrong over the last two years. I’ve read the full file. I just cut out all the fiction, and all the parts that are _dangerous_. If I can hack SHIELD, so can someone else, after all. I think I have the right to destroy all digital copies of their ‘Five Easiest Ways to Kill Tony Stark’ list.”

Steve… didn’t know what to say to that. He’s read it, and has to admit that several of the comments and conclusions could be viewed that way. And a lot of it _was_ extrapolation…

Stark shook his head, looking ruefully amused. His body language, though, was that of a man hiding a mortal wound. “Go sing Kumbaya with the Twin Terrors. I’ll have a little chat with Fury myself and get this sorted out before you get back. Then we’ll see what happens.”

“Stark…” He starts, reaching towards the other man. He’s not entirely sure what he’s done, but he can’t help feeling like he needs to apologize. Stark waves him off, though, and escorts Miss Potts from the room.

Peggy is still standing by the door, though she pats Tony’s shoulder as he leaves. Then she turned her attention back to him. “Peggy?” It’s him that is looking for answers now, wondering how things that were so obvious at the time look so tangled now.

She pursed her lips, obviously thinking. “A good soldier listens to orders, trusts his commanders, and will lay down on the wire for his brothers.” She sighed, looking _old_ for just a moment. “Tony could never be that. He was raised on too many stories of a hero who was also never much of a good soldier. Someone who was, instead, a good man.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went looking for quotes in the first two chapters of PWGI. And suddenly this was less about Steve and Peggy and more about 'how could you *think* those were good enough reasons to exclude him? if you all hadn't already decided you hated him, those would *never* hold water!'


	79. Fanfic: Flying Hammertech (by gottabekiddinme)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And you get chapter 80. How the heck did this end up at 80?

The helicarrier shudders and drops a little. 

"What the -"

Another shudder, and alarms start blaring. 

"Hill-"

"It's the engine, sir."

"The new one?"

Bruce turns to Tony. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know."

"How can you not know, it's your tech!"

"No it's not."

Bruce blinks. "What? What do you mean it's not your tech?"

"Justin Hammer offered SHIELD free tech -" Tony cuts himself off as the carrier drops again.

Bruce blinks again, then whirls on Fury." "You're trusting your people's lives to HammerTech? _Free_ HammerTech? When you had StarkTech for the asking?"

"Dr. Banner -"

"Bill Gates uses StarkTech. The Pentagon uses StarkTech. _Steve Jobs_ had a StarkPhone -"

"How did you even know that, he never used it in public -"

"- and you went with _Hammer_?" Bruce throws up his hands and slumps further into his seat. "You're lucky this thing is still in the air at all. Hammer is famously, terrifyingly incompetent." He folds his arms and glares at Fury as the alarms continue to blare. "I don't care what you think of Tony, not taking his tech was a mistake."

The carrier shudders one more time as the engine starts to smoke.


	80. Fanfic: Flying Hammertech Part II (by S_T_Nickolian6)

Tony glanced between Fury and Bruce. "Should I go--" 

Fury snapped his glare to him. "Fix it? Yes, you should." 

"No, he shouldn't!" Bruce stepped forward, letting his eyes flash green. "He really, really shouldn't. In fact, we should be getting back to the Tower. I need his immediate advice on an experiment. You can have Hammer come fix it for you. We're out of here."

Tony blinked, but didn't protest when Bruce began pulling him away. "Um, bye?" He waved over his shoulder to a snarling Fury.


	81. Fanfic: Unfriendly Fire

Unfriendly Fire

(A Cuts and Bruises AU)  
By kerravon

Inspiration: Please see the note at the end of this AU, as the prompt is pretty spoilery. 

 

"What's this?" Tony Stark muttered to himself as he wandered into the common area and spied a neat sheaf of papers sitting on the table. It was mid-morning two days after he'd gotten home from the hospital and he should have been hard at work in his lab, but found his thoughts so jangled that he couldn't concentrate, so he'd come up in search of fresh coffee. Eyeing the stack warily, he walked over and reached to pick them up, halting an inch from the cover sheet. It was apparently the briefing packet for an Avengers meeting, but dated from before he'd been officially made a member. He stopped guiltily; it was probably something he wasn't supposed to see, even if he was an Avenger now. He didn't want people thinking that he was invading their privacy again. He sighed as he straightened, still staring at the untouched pile, and rubbed his arc reactor nervously. He knew it was silly, but it still ached, despite all the diagnostics he'd run once he'd gotten back to the Tower. Must be phantom pain from the EMP.

Coffee. Right. That's what he needed after another restless night. He was sleeping even less than usual, and that had never been much. Every time he nodded off he'd jerk awake less than an hour later, gasping for breath and clutching his chest protectively as he fended off distorted nightmare versions of Barton and Rogers who were trying to rip his heart out (now that they knew how). He shook himself as an involuntary shiver raced up his spine. He knew he was just being ridiculous. Probably. Both men had been on their best behavior since Pepper and Rhodey had jumped in to fix things, and Bruce seemed to be hovering even more protectively than ever. It was hardly their fault that forced, fake smiles from people who hated him gave him chills since they didn't know about Obie. Who'd have thought he'd miss the open animosity that was at least honest? His shoulders slumped at the thought that, while Rhodey and Pepper had shamed the rest into allowing him to be an Avenger, they still didn't really accept him as one of the team.

'Oh well, life goes on.' He pulled his shoulders back and stood straighter because Stark men never showed weakness. He'd made his bed by being an asshole, he might as well sleep in it. Or lie awake in it, as the case may be. 'Right, coffee.' With a mental shrug he started towards the kitchen for the life-giving caffeine, only to almost barrel into Rogers as he left the pantry with a muffin and a glass of milk. The blonde's eyes tentatively met his own as he ventured, "Oh, Tony? Do you have a moment?" The soldier glanced at the papers on the table. "There's something I'd like you to see, if you can spare the time."

Well, at least now the engineer knew who was leaving classified documents just lying around. "Sure, Cap. Let me grab a cup of coffee and I'll be right back." He held up his empty mug as evidence of his honest intentions, then scurried through the door into the otherwise blissfully empty kitchen.

He didn't know why he was so nervous. From the title on the cover, Rogers wanted to review something that pertained to the Avengers that he'd not been privy to before. Given what had happened with the EMP arrow, that made perfect sense. After all, as team leader Cap could hardly afford to be losing his aerial support in the middle of a battle, so he needed to know Iron Man's weaknesses. Of course, after the debacle last week, Tony had improved the arc reactor shielding significantly. It would take a lot more than a small EMP to take it out again.

Gathering his steaming coffee he returned to the living room, hands warming around the ceramic cup. Steve looked up from his position on the couch and smiled in welcome, which made Tony even more jumpy than before. Just because he'd helped save his life didn't mean that the soldier liked him now. Even he wasn't that self-deluding. It was just for the good of the team. He scooted past the sofa and settled in an adjacent chair, close enough to see the papers and keep an eye on Rogers simultaneously. It seemed like Cap's smile dimmed a bit, but it was probably just his imagination. 

"I got to thinking," Steve began, and Tony clamped down hard on the automatic joke that sprang to mind. There was no way Rogers would take the old line 'Did it hurt?' very well, so he remained silent and took a sip of his scalding beverage instead. He hid the wince as it burned his tongue.

"The arrow that hurt your…," Steve tapped his own chest to indicate Tony's arc reactor. "While you weren't briefed on it, and weren't officially on the team at the time," here the team leader flushed slightly, but pressed on, "R&D and Fury both knew that you regularly responded whenever there was an actual battle. If they spent an hour discussing the pros and cons of this experimental arrow, why wouldn't they caution us about possible side effects of using it in your vicinity?" He met Tony's eyes, bewilderment radiating from his own, and gestured to the papers. "At first I assumed that they had, but that I had somehow missed it or not understood the significance of what they were saying, so I pulled out my briefing packet and copy of the minutes and reviewed them. There's nothing like that here." He held out the packet to Tony. "I was wondering if you could look them over and see what I missed?"

The billionaire shrank back from the proffered papers, clenching his mug tensely with both hands. "Ummm….nothing personal, Cap, but I don't like being handed things. Could you set them down?" He jerked his head once towards the low table between them. 

Steve complied with a raised eyebrow but without comment, so Tony reached over, placed his cup on the tabletop rather than the coaster three inches away, and picked them up. Flipping through, he frowned slightly and carefully considered his words. He really didn't want to offend the other man.

"Why paper? SHIELD emails everything it wants me to review."

Cap clenched his hands together, embarrassed. "Me, too. I…one of the first things I bought after we moved into the Tower was a printer. I just like working with paper; it's familiar, somehow."

The futurist, now absorbed in the documents, nodded absently in understanding. "I get it. It's like holding an old, leather-bound book instead of an e-reader. There's something visceral about it that makes you notice more details, or see things in a different light." 

Steve was frankly surprised at the reaction; he'd expected ridicule, even though the other man was obviously screening his words oh-so-carefully around the team. But this time Tony's reply had been immediate, unrehearsed, distracted, and apparently uncensored. He actually did understand.

The inventor's frown deepened as he pulled out the printed arrow schematics and studied them intently. There were several pages, so he leaned forward and spread them over the sturdy coffee table, picking up his mug and sipping on it absently as he ran his finger from one page to the next, tracing out mechanical details and energy flow. After almost ten solid minutes of intense scrutiny, he lifted dark, wary eyes to meet still-puzzled expectant blue ones.

"There's a reason for that, Cap," he commented, tapping the diagrams meaningfully. "It's the same reason they warned Clint to get the arrow as close to the target as possible. While very effective at close range, the EMP effect of the arrowhead in this schematic rapidly disperses, and is easily and thoroughly blocked by any metal or thick stone it encounters. The only way this could have affected my arc reactor," he stabbed a finger viciously at the diagrams spread out before him, "Is if I was standing right next to it when it went off."

"But, then how …?" Rogers trailed off, confused.

Tony leaned back in his chair and raised an eyebrow. "The arrow on this diagram is NOT the one Clint used. It can't be."

Steve felt his protective hackles rise; was Stark accusing Clint of trying to murder him? "There's no way that Barton exchanged…" he began hotly.

The engineer blinked, eyes widening in alarm as he pressed backwards into his seat. 'What have I said now?' he mourned as he mentally played back the conversation. 'He thinks I'm accusing Clint of trying to intentionally kill me,' he realized in a heartbeat, then waved open hands in front of himself in denial as he spoke in quick, pressured phrases, afraid that Captain America once again wasn't going to give him a chance to explain. "No! No, you don't understand! I'm not accusing Barton of anything. Someone ELSE pulled a fast one here, not Hawkeye."

"Did I hear my name?" Clint sauntered through the far door and wandered over curiously.

Steve blinked, then blushed in shame. He was doing it again; making assumptions before getting all the facts. That needed to stop. "Tony and I were just going over the schematics for the EMP arrow."

The archer leaned over Cap's shoulder and stared at the plans on the desk. "Really? How'd you get hold of those?" he gestured to the diagrams. "Stark hack SHIELD again?"

"No?" Cap was confused. "These were in my briefing packet. Weren't they in yours?"

Clint shrugged, then plopped onto the couch next to the super soldier. "Yeah, but they disappeared later that night. I figured they got redacted for security reasons."

Tony arched an eyebrow and leaned forward. "Interesting. Not typical SHIELD protocol. Good thing you like paper, Cap." Eyeing Barton, he asked almost casually, "I don't suppose they gave you more than one of those arrowheads?"

Clint shrugged, stealing a pickle off Steve's plate. "Three, actually. They thought it might take multiple shots to neutralize a target."

The engineer stood abruptly, exhaustion forgotten in single-minded focus, and clapped his hands together, rubbing them briskly in anticipation of a new problem. "Great! Could you grab the two you have left and meet me in my workshop?" He headed for the stairs, already mumbling equations of force and distance to himself.

The archer and the super soldier exchanged a long-suffering look, then Clint rose to go to the armory. "Hey Cap, wanna tag along? This should be interesting."

Steve nodded. "Yes. Something nefarious is going on."

Clint's eyes widened in mock disbelief. "Nefarious? Really? Who uses words like that, anyway?"

"I do, when Stark tells me that the arrow on that diagram shouldn't have affected him from two floors up in a steel and concrete building." Steve's mouth set to a grim line.

Clint came to such a sudden halt that Cap almost plowed into him. He whirled on the larger man and hissed, "What?!?"

Steve quirked the corner of his mouth sympathetically. "Yeah. So, not your fault. I couldn't remember being warned not to use them near Iron Man, so I checked my files. I don't like missing things, especially not when someone can get hurt. Turns out, we weren't warned, because the EMP field in the arrows they discussed is too weak and easily blocked by metal and concrete."

"Right," Barton's eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "They said that I practically had to drop the arrowhead right next to the bomb for it to work."

"Exactly. Tony thinks they might have given you… something else."

Now Clint was as grim as Steve. "Let's get them to Stark, then."

-A-A-A-A-A-

"All right, JARVIS, we're as ready as we'll ever be. Go ahead and scan, please." Upon entering the workshop with the two remaining arrowheads, Steve and Clint found Tony pacing along the far side of the lab in front of two thick, clear rectangles set in the wall. They were apparently isolation boxes; impervious to radio waves, electronic signals, fire, water, microbes, explosions, and, most importantly, EMP. Each arrowhead was placed in a separate box, and JARVIS instructed to record as much information as possible, particularly in the event an explosion was accidentally triggered by the scanning. Steve was a little disturbed that Tony almost expected something to go wrong with passive examination of the weaponry; after all, only direct impact was supposed to set off the EMP blast. Of course, the one at the training exercise hadn't worked anywhere near specs, either. Cap was therefore relieved to note that, as a final safety measure, the inventor had wrapped himself (particularly his chest and arc reactor) in a lead-lined X-ray shielded apron.

To Steve's infinite relief, nothing unexpected occurred in the next few minutes. The three men were anxiously silent until JARVIS announced primly, "Scan complete."

"Huh," grunted Tony, sounding slightly disappointed. He strode over to his central computing area and demanded, "All right, put it up, along with a side-by-side of those plans I fed you earlier." Two glowing, blue, holographic, three dimensional diagrams appeared in the air before him, and he studied them intently for a moment before sharpening his gaze and stabbing a finger at the new scan. "There! JARVIS, magnify times ten." The region in question expanded, and the inventor squinted in concentration. "Twenty." The area enlarged again.

Stark glared at the ceiling and snarled, "Why am I not seeing any details? At this magnification I ought to be able to visualize something useful."

"There is an unknown shielding surrounding the area in question."

Tony blinked in surprise. "Really?"

Steve couldn't stand it any more. "What's going on?" he began to demand, only remembering to tone it down to a question at the last minute.

"This." If the billionaire noticed the abrupt tone, he didn't comment on it as he pointed to first one image, then the other. "This portion here was not on the plans you received in your briefing packet. And while JARVIS managed to get detailed interior scans of the actual weapon without causing an explosion, the new area appears to be intentionally shielded; we can't get a read on it externally, and it's rigged to blow if we try to dismantle it physically."

"Can't we just ask R&D what they changed?" Barton suggests helpfully. "Maybe it was a last-minute addition."

"Then why try and hide it from external evaluation? Why not inform you of modifications made to equipment that only Hawkeye can use?" Stark was grim, and gave a moment to the others for the implications to set in.

"Then what do we do?" Steve finally asked, truly at a loss.

Tony stared solemnly at Clint. "I have a theory, but I hope I'm wrong. With your permission, I'd like to detonate them while JARVIS records the explosions on all wavelengths."

The archer shot Cap a questioning look, then shrugged. "Sure, if you think it will help." It was his turn to look uncharacteristically serious. "And if you're certain it won't hurt your nightlight?" He tapped the center of his own chest meaningfully.

"I'm sure. Even without this lead shielding I'm wearing, I've already modified the reactor extensively to prevent a repeat performance."

The engineer went back to the first window. "All right, JARVIS, full spectrum analysis, particularly of the electromagnetic pulse, as we detonate the arrowhead in containment cell one."

A small weight dropped from the top of the box directly onto the tip of the experimental weapon, causing a small, controlled explosion. The genius hurried to his computers once again with just the barked command, "Show me."

Numbers and graphs began scrolling across several floating screens as Stark's fingers flew delicately over the interfaces, pulling up and discarding data as he needed it. The other Avengers could only stare awestruck at the beauty and complexity of the movements and figures. This was Tony in his element; the engineer was fully immersed in his work, mesmerized every second.

Finally satisfied, he glanced up and noticed the two men staring at him and fought down a blush. He hadn't blushed for decades, and he wasn't going to start now. He cleared his throat uncomfortably, then held his voice steady through sheer force of will. "That one went off just like your briefing packet predicted. If it had been completely unshielded and I had been standing here unprotected, nothing would have happened. That's our baseline."

Before Steve or Clint could question him, Tony picked a small device off the desk and flipped a switch. It began to radiate a small, blue glow, but otherwise did nothing. "This," the genius commented, "is where things may get interesting. This little do-dad emits an energy frequency identical to my arc reactor, but without the explosive power. I'm going to set it in the second containment field and repeat the experiment."

"Would you…could I do that, just in case it's mere presence triggers something?" suggested Cap, suddenly apprehensive, remembering the sickly flickering of the damaged arc reactor and Tony's slurred responses. He had a bad feeling about this, and really didn't want a repeat of their experience in that shattered basement. 

The genius stared at him thoughtfully for a long moment, then shrugged. "Sure, why not?" he replied, holding out the now-inactive device. "Activate the signal by pressing this button," he demonstrated a small red button on the side, "just before you put it in the containment box. Place it in a corner away from the arrowhead, though; I don't want its readings to be incorporated into the EMP data."

Steve nodded, taking the small gadget and walking to the wall. Despite his fears, pressing the button did nothing but turn on a small blue light. He carefully set it in the corner of the box, secured the lid firmly, and backed away.

Tony, still in his lead apron, said, "All right, JARVIS." 

An identical small weight dropped onto the second experimental weapon, resulting in a similar contained explosion. Steve thought the blast might have been a little larger than the first, but that could have been his imagination.

The data started scrolling at Stark's workstation unprompted, and Tony was quickly immersed, pulling specific parcels of data from the analysis of each blast for comparison, and minimizing the information that wasn't pertinent. Once he had the two lists compiled, he stood back, arms crossed, and studied them. After a moment he gave a long, low whistle and shook his head in disbelief. 

Barton couldn't contain himself. "What?" he demanded, craning his neck for a better view. If the genius inventor had found data that proved that whole disaster wasn't his fault… well, it didn't excuse his lack of attention to the whereabouts of his teammates, but at least it was something.

Tony didn't even glance at him as he rapidly pointed out differences between the two recordings. "See, here? And here? The second blast's EMP is significantly strengthened by the presence of my arc reactor signal."

Cap narrowed his eyes contemplatively. "Could it be drawing power from the device in your chest? Sort of a feedback loop?"

Tony flashed him a brilliant smile before apparently remembering that they weren't actually friends. It faltered as he cleared his throat and carefully replied, "Good thought. Actually, that's why we used a machine that only reproduced the signal my arc reactor puts out, rather than one of my actual spare arc reactors. If the two blasts today were the same, then your theory would be the most likely correct answer. We'd be safe asking R&D for another set of arrows to test against that hypothesis. As it is…" He waved a hand grandly at the two very different sets of data.

Hawkeye frowned, unafraid of admitting to his confusion. "What? I don't get it."

Stark fixed him with an intense stare. "The presence of a unique signal indicating that the machine keeping me alive is nearby triggers something in the shielded portion of these arrowheads, causing the EMP wave to be over five hundred times stronger than if that signal isn't present." His voice lowered to a threat. "Someone just tried to use you to murder me, and make it look like friendly fire."

Barton's eyes became saucers as he hissed, "What?" for the second time in as many hours.

Tony turned to the team leader. "Cap, I want to ask you something, but before I do, I'd like to give you a little background information." Once Steve nodded, Tony dropped his eyes to the floor and continued, "I was a SHIELD consultant for a number of months before the team originally assembled, and helped their R&D department with a lot of different projects. I nevertheless kept tabs of the tasks I wasn't actively participating in, so that I'd have some ideas to throw out if I did get consulted." He pointed to the original arrow diagram. "Yes, R&D was working on controlled EMP arrowheads. No, they were no where near this advanced. The original development team had help, and it wasn't from me."

Rogers nodded. That all made logical sense.

The billionaire raised anxious eyes to stare into the Captain's as he tentatively concluded, "I'd like to find out who. That involves hacking into the SHIELD mainframe again."

"Why can't we just ask Fury for permission to examine the appropriate files?"

Tony opened his mouth to reply, but it was Clint that answered first. "Our target has already hacked into our briefing packets and extracted all the useful data to cover their tracks, so they apparently have some computer prowess. If we show up on the helicarrier without being summoned, the whole system will be wiped before we even reach the bridge."

"Exactly," Tony nodded in agreement. "SHIELD R&D had been working on this project for almost a year and were nowhere near this stage, much less the additional… special modifications. Whoever finalized these arrows was far from stupid, and won't be easy to catch." He grinned fiercely. "But they don't know JARVIS."

"Thank you, Sir, I appreciate your confidence," came the disembodied British voice, unprompted.

Steve wondered briefly at hearing a conversational tone from a robot, and then nodded his agreement. "All right. Let's do this."

-A-A-A-A-A-

The entire team (minus Thor, who was still visiting his 'Lady Jane') were summoned the common area. Steve felt it important that everyone know what was happening, in case it was not a Tony-specific problem. It was possible someone was after all the Avengers, and Steve wanted to be assured that everyone was safe and accounted for until they could get this straightened out. He also called Thor and promised to keep him updated if they discovered anything. Tony and Bruce set up laptops side by side on the kitchen table and, coffee in hand, got to work. The others busied themselves putting together an impromptu team luncheon while keeping both Tony and Bruce's mugs filled with their beverages of choice.

For a while the only sound was the frantic typing of the two scientists along with intermittent muttered questions to JARVIS and each other. The rest of the team wandered in and out, occasionally having low, murmured conversations and trying not to disturb the working men. It didn't take long before Tony, brows creased in confusion, leaned back in his chair with a whuffed "huh". 

"What?", asked Bruce, peering over his glasses at the billionaire's screen.

The genius ignored him as he skeptically tilted his head to the ceiling and demanded, "JARVIS, is this right?"

The firm, British tone replied, "Yes, Sir. You are indeed in the SHIELD mainframe."

Bruce looked impressed while Tony snorted derisively. "Come on, how is that even possible? This should take hours! Fury always closes the backdoors after I use them, so I have to be more inventive the next time."

The computer was hesitant. "I am… uncertain, Sir. The typical firewalls are…much cruder than usually encountered."

Bruce smiled. "Hey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

"What's going on? Did you find something?" inquired Steve, coming up behind the two scientists.

Banner's smile slipped as Stark involuntarily hunched his shoulders, even though he tried to disguise the movement by leaning forward and tapping on his keyboard once more. "Not yet, but we're much further along than we have any right to be."

Natasha sidled up at that, with Clint right behind her. "Don't forget," she suggested softly, "Fury did say that he was having Hammer 'upgrade' the computer security."

Tony snorted again, a small smile quirking his lips, but made no reply. Rogers glanced at Bruce, but he appeared as clueless as the rest of them, so he cleared his throat and addressed the smirking spy. "Ummm… I remember him saying that he was having Mr. Hammer do it because he wanted to keep Tony out of SHIELD's systems. So… I guess we're getting this done before that happens?"

Natasha shook her head gently as the engineer actually cackled. She ignored him and replied, "No. Mr. Hammer has almost certainly installed his 'upgrades'. That is, without a doubt, the reason the security measures were so… wanting."

"Yeah, usually Justin can recognize when he's in over his head and delegates the job to one of his more competent employees. He actually knows how to hire good people. However, now that Agent Romanov mentions it, this code has 'Personally programmed by Justin Hammer' written all over it, and I would know. I guess Fury somehow got Hammer's hackles up, and this is the result." He peered at the window that just appeared and muttered, "Easier for us, anyway. Now on to Research and Development…"

"His pride was certainly involved," commented Barton, opening his mouth for the first time. "Remember? Fury said that Hammer 'loves getting a contract you weren't offered'."

Tony grunted and nodded absently, "Yeah, he doesn't like me too much. Long story." He trailed off, unwilling to waste energy elaborating as he became caught up in the data stream. Bruce was just as intently engaged, pointing at the screen from time to time and murmuring suggestions.

"There," Banner stated, pointing suddenly. "That looks promising."

"It does indeed," muttered the genius, opening the file. "Eureka! Now, let's see this puppy…" His eyes widened in shock as he read the single project memo contained in the folder, and his hands fell away from the computer keys.

Bruce's chair fell over backwards simultaneously as he jumped to his feet, hands clenched at his side, eyes tightly closed, and skin tinged a distinctive green. The other Avengers startled, automatically assuming defensive postures in case of an 'incident'. It was a near thing, but the physicist took several deep, steadying breaths, and his skin slowly regained it's paler, pink hue. No one said anything for a moment as Bruce pulled his tattered control together.

The industrialist, meanwhile, had remained perfectly still, his face slowly morphing from stunned surprise through absolute rage to quiet determination. While everyone else's attention was focused on Banner, Stark's eyes narrowed decisively and he rose gracefully from his seat and strode from the room, computer left forgotten on the table behind him. Cap raised a hand to stop him, or at least ask what he had found, but was distracted by Bruce's panting breaths and decided that dealing with Tony could wait until the danger of an incident was past. No one spoke for a few more minutes, waiting until Bruce opened his eyes and offered the group a shaky smile.

The first thing the scientist did was glance around the room in alarm. "Where's Tony?", he blurted.

"He left while you were trying to get the other guy under control," replied Steve. "We should go find him now that you're okay." He paused, then added slowly, "You are okay, aren't you Doctor Banner?"

Natasha and Clint backed away from the other two men, turning their attention on the abandoned computer instead. Their faces darkened as they read what was displayed.

Bruce didn't reply, instead yelling for the household AI as he headed for the exit at a run. "JARVIS! Lock down Tony's armors! All of them!"

"I'm sorry," the computer sounded actually regretful, "but I'm afraid that you are not authorized for that command."

The pair was headed for Tony's workshop, taking the stairs two at a time, Steve hot on Bruce's heels. "What's going on?" he asked, trying to make his voice commanding rather than baffled.

"Hammer."

The two arrived at the transparent windows in front of the lab, where Stark could be seen donning the Iron Man armor. Bruce rapidly typed in his entry code, but the word 'Denied' flashed on the keypad. He pounded on the window, but Tony studiously avoided looking their way so completely that Cap was certain he knew they were there.

"JARVIS, open this door," the scientist growled, voice gruff, and deeper than it should be. 

"All access is currently denied," the AI answered primly. "The workshop is under lockdown."

Bruce was definitely greener. "Tell Tony that either he opens this door for us right now, or there's an excellent chance that the Hulk will be coming in regardless."

There was a pregnant pause as this information was relayed to the billionaire, who glanced up at them involuntarily. After assessing his friend's level of agitation, he visibly deflated and, with a small nod, the door clicked open.

The normally reticent doctor was through it like a shot, shouting at Stark. Steve hung back, but entered the lab as well. He stood just inside the door, waiting, ready to step in if necessary, even if he still didn't know what was going on.

"…right now!" Bruce demanded. "What were you thinking? Were you going after him yourself?"

Tony assumed his most disarming mask, smiling his best paparazzi smile and spreading his gauntleted arms out in a 'who, me?' gesture that was reminiscent of too many press conferences. "Come on, Bruce. I was just going to fly around a bit, blow off some steam."

The gentler man crossed his arms and stared at the engineer skeptically. After a long moment, he drawled, "Riiiiiigghhht. And did your travel plan today include a stop over at Hammer Industries?"

The billionaire positively pouted, sticking out his lower lip, staring at the floor, and mumbling, "Maybe…" He looked up again at Bruce through coal-black lashes.

Clint and Natasha joined Steve by the door. The super soldier, eyes never leaving the drama before them, asked soto voce, "Could somebody please tell me what's happening?"

Barton actually growled. "Seems Fury bargained for more than just computer upgrades with Mr. Hammer; he also apparently contracted him to provide consultation help to the SHIELD R&D department on a limited basis." He jerked his head towards the ceiling. "When they accessed the research file on those EMP arrows, the only thing there is a memo about how that project had been outsourced to Hammer Industries' research division."

"Who is this 'Hammer' person, and why has that sent everyone off the deep end?"

Natasha's smooth tones explained. "Justin Hammer and Tony Stark have been infamous rivals since college. I don't know the early details, but while I was assigned to profile Stark for consideration in the Initiative, Hammer made a fairly good attempt at stealing the Iron Man tech and got a copy of the reactor specifications from a psychopathic Russian ex-convict named Vanko. In the process, he almost got Stark killed."

Bruce and Tony's ongoing argument was almost forgotten as Cap's brain reeled with this new information. "So, when Director Fury made his deal with Hammer, he was not only insulting Stark by contracting with his competitor, but he was pardoning the man who almost got Tony killed?"

"The prison sentence was more for industrial espionage, but yes." Natasha was grim.

"And we unknowingly tested experimental weaponry made by this man, and it almost killed Tony again. What's more, it looks like that was the planned outcome."

Clint gave a short nod. "That's right, Cap."

Rogers leaned heavily against the glass, staring sightlessly at the center of the workshop where Bruce was now helping JARVIS remove the armor from a sullen industrialist. "Why does he even want to be a part of this team?" What Fury had done with the SHIELD computer system security seemed unforgivably insulting and actually fairly dangerous, yet Tony had somehow, through some unexplainable, convoluted logic, concluded that he only had himself to blame. Nevertheless, he'd shown up at the next battle when he had every right not to, and had been hung over to boot. Steve winced in remembrance. He'd been grudgingly admiring of the man showing up in pain, but had assumed he'd gotten the hangover from overindulging at a nightclub. Now he realized that Stark had every reason to get blindingly drunk; not only had the team he'd thought he belonged to rejected him outright, but Fury had added insult to injury by hiring his competitor (and near-murderer) 'Justin Hammer' to do a job Tony was already working on. He shook his head in amazement that his old friend's son never stopped surprising him. He straightened as Bruce gently grasped the engineer's elbow and guided him towards the rest of the team.

"Hey, guys," Tony said quietly, refusing to meet their eyes.

Cap crossed his arms, and projected his best 'Captain America' persona as he addressed the miserable scientist. "Let me make sure I understand this. You discovered that the experimental arrow that was meant to kill you, and nearly succeeded, was not manufactured by SHIELD, but rather your sworn enemy. This same man has contracted with SHIELD to avoid a prison sentence for nearly killing you once before and stealing your tech. After discovering these things, you decided that you'd pay the man an impromptu visit as Iron Man. Am I right? "

Stark nodded, still not raising his eyes. Bruce, however, fixed the Captain with a truly venomous glare and carefully draped his arm around his friend's shoulders in unspoken support.

"I am ashamed of you." Steve kept up the judgmental tone, and now Clint and Natasha were staring at him as well. He finally allowed the grin he'd been hiding show through as he concluded, "You need to learn to share; we all want a piece of this asshole." 

Natasha nodded approvingly as Tony's head jerked up to stare at Cap. Clint piped up and added, "It can be a team-building exercise; see who can devise the best revenge plot. After all, he set me up to take the blame!"

Bruce was even smiling now at the billionaire's stunned expression, and continued in the same vein. "Bonus points for not getting caught?"

Steve nodded enthusiastically. "Absolutely." 

Tony appeared absolutely bewildered as his eyes flitted from face to face. "But… I thought you wouldn't approve. Any of you."

"What we don't approve of," Cap explained gently, "is you going off alone and doing something that could get you hurt or killed. I know we haven't acted like it, but we're a team, and teams stick together."

"Especially if someone is trying to hurt part of our family," added Bruce with a careful smile.

There was a warm silence then, as Tony, struck speechless, looked into each face with such gratitude that it made Roger's heart ache. 

After a moment, Clint decided to break the awkward silence, so he clapped his hands together and nodded to the stairs. "OK, what say we head upstairs and brainstorm our revenge? We can order pizza!"

Tony smiled like the sun emerging from behind all the clouds of winter, and nodded. "Sounds like a plan," he commented, and moved towards the door. The rest of the team followed, with Steve bringing up the rear. They were far from fine, but maybe things were looking up.

The End?

 

NOTE: The inspiration? The comment section where Marie_Nomad suggested 'Hammertech', and Blue went on to say, 'So, Hammer's all like 'No, of course it couldn't interfere with Ironman. Why would you think that? See, the output readings here clear show they are not strong enough to breach the minimum hypothesize shielding of the suit. And of course, there is no secret imbedded hardware to cause the EMP levels to spike if Ironman's presence is detected within the blast radius. Why would you even ask that? You didn't ask? Oh.'


	82. Fanfic: Hammer and Nail (by Swordsoul2000)

Hammer and Nail

Set during chapter 9 of C+B. Inspired by various comments speculating that the EMP arrows were Hammer tech. What if they were? How would SHIELD react?

~~~~~~

“I want Justin Hammer in custody yesterday.”

“Sir?” Maria Hill questioned, confused as to where exactly her boss' mind was going.

Fury turned around from where he had been staring out his office window to eye Hill significantly. “Those EMP arrowheads Barton used today were designed by his company. Don't think I don't know exactly what new tech R&D has been subcontracting out.” there was a hint of menace in Fury's tone that told Hill that he damn well wasn't mistaken, and didn't much like that fact overmuch.

Still, she held her ground, even if extending Hammer Industries' original contact had been her idea. If there was one thing Nick Fury, Director of SHIELD hated more than anything else on the planet – and it was a long list – it was a 'yes-man'. Fury expected to get his way on most everything, and wasn't above pulling whatever strings he needed to to make that happen, but he had deliberately surrounded himself with strong-willed people who could be counted on to think for themselves and stand toe-to-toe with him if they thought he was out of line. Hill's private opinion was that Fury had operated in the shades of gray for so long, he needed other people around him to see the things he needed to in black and white. Or possibly, to embody those colors for him. If that was the case, Hill thought she knew which color she represented.

“Sir, Hammer's grade-school grudge with Stark aside, there's no reason to believe that he had any hand in what happened today.” Hill argued. “It was a training accident, we've had them before, and we'll no doubt have them again in the future. The arrows in question were new tech, full of bugs, and Stark wasn't even on the team when Hammer developed them.” she didn't mention that no one could have predicted that the arrows would fail so spectacularly at what they were developed to do, and yet be so catastrophic at the same time. Well, maybe Stark could have, but Hill knew herself well enough to know that she would have dismissed any concerns as further manifestations of the Stark-Hammer grudge match that had played out time and time again in the field of weapons development before Stark Industries had gotten out of the weapons business. Even after, if you counted the mess at the Stark Expo. Then there was also the fact that the only member of the team that the arrows could possibly be more than an annoyance to was Stark, whom she still felt did not deserve the honor of being counted among the Avengers.

She was careful not to let any hint of her thoughts slip past her mask. Hill knew her boss, knew his moods, and knew how to survive them. When Fury was in steamroller mode, if he heard anything, one word out of place, one facial expression that that might indicate that the person he was sparring with had second thoughts about their position, he had no qualms about hammering on that small moment of weakness, like a stone cutter hammering at a flaw in rock, until he had cracked his opponent's argument to pieces. Hill had seen it happen. It was not going to happen to her.

For a long moment, Fury simply stared at her, expressionless. Hill firmed her spine and stared back at him, willing her own face to blankness. She would stare her boss down, she'd done it before (albeit, not often), she could do it again; right here, right now. She would not flinch, and only someone who had personally stared down Nick Fury would know what an accomplishment that was.

Unexpectedly, the corner of Fury's mouth quirked up in a tiny smile, there and gone in an instant. “You misunderstand me, Agent Hill,” he rumbled, breaking the staring contest and turning back to the window. “When I said 'take Hammer into custody', I meant protective custody, at least for now.”

Hill must have made some sort of sound indicating her confusion, because Fury elaborated. “Right now the Avengers are camped out in Medical, damn near welded to Stark's bedside. That's not going to last forever. When they venture out, they're going to find out exactly who provided those EMP arrows, and Agent Romanov, at the very least, is going to go hunting.” Fury turned back around just enough to raise his one eyebrow at Hill, full of implication.

Hill didn't need the rest spelled out for her. Agent Romanov had been present for the debacle at the Stark Expo, had in fact been crucial to braking Ivan Vanko's hacking of the War Machine armor, allowing Col. Rhodes to assist Stark when he'd been cornered by Hammer's drone army. She'd never believe that what had happened was an accident once she'd learned that Hammer Tech had provided the arrows in question. And it wouldn't be hard for her to convince the team either. Regardless of whether or not Hammer was guilty of anything, Romanov and Barton both had the training and the means to 'take care' of Hammer, one way or another, to say nothing as to what the rest of the Avengers were capable of.

“And if she's right?” Hill asked, because the possibility had to be considered. “If this was deliberate?”

Fury's reflection in the window grew clouded. “He'll already be in our custody, it should be a simple matter to shift the nature of his confinement while the appropriate channels are gone through. But I'll need proof that that's the case first. That's why I have Sitwell down with R&D right now, tearing apart each and every upgrade and innovation Hammer Industries has supplied us, including the arrows, looking for anything out of the ordinary, anything that so much as suggests that what happened today was deliberate. If not,” he shrugged. “We hold him long enough for the Avengers to calm down, then we let him go while we leak the knowledge that he provided the tech that brought down Iron Man to Stark Industries. Might do that anyway. Get that Potts woman off my back for a change.”

Hill almost snorted with amusement. No one at SHIELD had ever taken Pepper Potts lightly, ever since she'd provided Coulson with ironclad evidence as to who was behind the black market weapons sales at Stark Industries with the Ten Rings terror network. The section of Agent Romanov's report that covered Ms. Potts' handling of the Expo Incident had reinforced the impression that the former PA-turned-CEO was not someone SHIELD wanted to cross. Coulson's apparent friendship with the woman, combined with the fact that she had over a decade's worth of experience wrangling Tony Stark – something Hill and everyone else at SHIELD now had new respect for – was just icing on the cake.

Almost. "R&D isn't Sitwell's area," Hill said carefully, moderating her tone to be merely a statement of fact, rather than possessive outrage. It was a knee-jerk reaction, brought on by the fact that Sitwell primarily reported to Coulson, not her, and was thus unaffiliated with all aspects of R&D. If anyone should be overseeing the eggheads as they tore apart everything Hammer had provided, looking for evidence of foul play, it should be her, or failing that, one of her subordinates. But it would do no good to say as much to Fury, given that jurisdictional infighting was one of the few things that could be counted on to make her boss completely and utterly lose it. Hill had good reason to tread warily on this particular issue, given that it had been just such a mistake, made by her predecessor, that had allowed her to rise to her current position. Nick Fury was not known for giving second chances when he was well and truly pissed off.

"Exactly why I want him there." came Fury's calm rebuttal. "Fresh eyes. Not to mention he's Coulson's second for a reason, he misses nothing." he met Hill's eyes in the reflection of the window. "Don't tell me the Patsy has fooled you into believing otherwise?" there was a dangerous undertone to the question, one that promised dire things if Hill should admit to falling for Sitwell's facade.

There wasn't any real answer Hill could give to that. "Sir." she said instead, acknowledging her boss's words without saying anything one way or another. "How's Stark?" she asked instead, though she wondered if Fury heard what she was really asking, how long did she have to get Justin Hammer out of the line of fire before the Avengers went hunting him.

Of course he did. "Medics have him sedated for the moment, and I'll bet they'll want to keep him a day or two for observation." Fury snorted. "How long Stark actually cooperates is anyone's guess. The new reactor seems to be functioning just fine, though Stark's the only one who can say for sure." Which meant she had until Stark came out of sedation and managed to bully himself into getting released. Factoring in Stark's innate stubbornness, as well as how protective the other Avengers appeared to be in the wake of the accident, Hill estimated that she had between 12 to 24 hours to make Hammer disapear. Doable, though she'd have to get started immediately if she wanted to be sure the trail would be cold by the time the Avengers were pried from Stark's bedside. “If you'll excuse me, sir?”she requested, “I'd like to get started immediately.”

Fury nodded. “Dismissed,” going back to the view out his window. Hill privately doubted Fury was actually seeing the panoramic view of the New York skyline visible from that vantage point. Knowing Fury, it was more likely that his mind's eye was fully engaged with the crime scene photographs of the destroyed building on the training grounds, where Iron Man and Captain America had gotten trapped, running through scenarios of how this accident had happened, how it could have been prevented.

Hill shook her head, dislodging the brief moment of whimsy. She had work to do.

~~~~

Fourteen hours later Hill found herself seated in a conference room with Fury as Sitwell and the head of R&D made their collective report “...there's no question about it,” Sitwell said decisively, for once no trace of the legendary Patsy in his voice or demeanor. “This was an attempt to kill Stark.”

“How?” was Fury's deceptively simple question.

Agent Torres, the head of R&D answered. “We found this sensor nestled next to the deployment mechanism,” he said, bringing up a schematic of the EMP arrowhead and highlighting the relevant section. “Programmed to activate when it detects a unique electrical frequency: in this case, Mr. Stark's arc reactor. Once tripped, the sensor does two things: first it boosts the signal strength as well as enlarge the blast radius to cover a larger area than intended, second, it 'tunes' the blast to target that exact frequency, effectively canceling it out.”

“So why isn't Stark dead?” Hill found herself asking. She met everyone's shocked gazes evenly, and continued on, “According to Roger's report, the arc reactor didn't fail completely until nearly twenty minutes after detonation. If the arc reactor was directly targeted, why didn't it fail immediately?”

“That's an excellent question,” Fury rumbled. His eye landed on Torres with laser-like precision. “Well?”

“I can only speculate,” Agent Torres began, “because my only understanding of arc reactor technology comes from Howard Stark's blueprints in the archives, but I think it comes down to a combination of two factors. One,” he held up one finger, “the counter-frequency put out by the blast was not an exact match. I would theorize that Mr. Hammer obtained his understanding of arc reactor technology from studying the production details of the drone army Ivan Vanko used to attack the Expo. Vanko's father helped Howard Stark design the first arc reactor, and his son was observed using a miniaturized model when he attacked Stark in Monaco. But it's likely that whatever Mr. Stark did to modify the reactors after his brush with palladium poisoning, it was enough to change the frequency output of the reactor just enough that it wasn't immediately crippled by the blast.”

“And second?” Fury prompted when Torres fell silent.

“Second,” Torres continued, “Mr. Stark is not called a genius just for kicks. He'd be well aware of just how dangerous an EMP would be to his continued survival. It's possible that he managed to find a way to incorporate shielding into the design of his reactor, without lessening the effectiveness of the device.” He shrugged. “If that's the case, he's got more work to do to refine his design, given that he was only able to buffer the effects for a short time instead of being able to completely immunize it.”

“The problem,” Sitwell broke in, “is that even though Hammer Industries did the development work, SHIELD R&D did all the production and fabrication of these arrows. They've always maintained production control over all forms of specialized weaponry used by our agents, such as Agent Barton's arrows, to ensure operational security. This was planned in such a way that any investigation done from the outside – say from Stark Industries – would lead solely back to SHIELD; leaving us to take the fall while the guilty party got off scot free.”

Fury's eye narrowed at Torres. “Is this true? You accepted a design from an outside source and you simply put it into production without checking it?”

“Yes sir.” Torres was apologetic, but unbowed. “Ever since the Chitauri invasion, we've been buried under mountains of extra work; not only are we responsible for the Helicarrier's repairs, but all the departments have been demanding new and improved tech. That's in addition to our usual duties. Agent Hill can confirm the workload we've been under.” Fury's eye cut to Hill, seeking confirmation. She nodded, backing Torres' statement. “And we've been cut off from some of the resources we've come to rely on with Stark Industries after Mr. Stark's banishment from SHIELD. When Agent Hill talked to me about extending the contract with Hammer Industries to include tech upgrades, new arrows for Agent Barton was one of the few areas we felt we could safely hand over without overtly compromising security, especially as the contract only covered development. And we were under deadline. I know Mr. Stark makes coming up with groundbreaking new tech look like a snap, but for the rest of us mere mortals, it takes considerably more time and effort.” Torres took a deep breath, and looked Fury right in the eye. “But none of that changes the result. And that's on me.”

“One question,” Hill broke into the standoff between her subordinate and her boss. “If R&D did the production work on the arrows, what did they think the sensor was for?”

“We thought it was for pinpointing the frequency needed to disrupt the signal between the timer and detonator on a bomb.” Torres said flatly. “It wasn't until we took the arrows apart and tested the sensor did we realize that it only responded to one specific frequency. The same frequency Agent Romanov recorded during her time undercover.”

Fury drummed his fingers on the table, his glare fixed on Torres, who manfully didn't fidget. Hill had to respect him for that much at least, and knew that even with how pissed Fury was right then, he had to be awarding the other man mental points for his absolute refusal to quail. Finally Fury slammed both hands flat on the table and leaned forward across the table. “Torres. You're relived of duty until further notice.” Torres didn't try to argue, simply nodded his acceptance. Fury continued, “Stick to your quarters and the common areas. As of right now, your security clearance is revoked, pending an investigation. Dismissed.”

“Sitwell,” Fury pinned the bald agent with his eye, forgetting Torres as if he no longer existed. “Get your butt back down to R&D. Find me someone with the backbone to tell the rest of SHIELD to take a hike and put them in temporary command. I don't tolerate shoddy work, and if R&D is too backlogged to do their job properly, something needs to change. Fast. If there's no one, you've got the job until you find someone. I don't care where you find them. You get me?”

“Perfectly,” Sitwell answered. “Active agents only, or are outside individuals available for consideration as well?”

“I don't give a good goddamn who you get.” Fury growled. He leveled a finger at Sitwell. “Except for Stark. Anyone who is not Stark is fair game.”

“Of course.” Sitwell smiled faintly, looking remarkably like his boss. “If I could get started sir?”

“Get out of here.” Fury ordered, rising from his seat and moving toward the screen that still displayed the schematic of the EMP arrowheads that had started this whole mess to begin with. Hill started to rise as well, but Fury's immediate glare had her settling back into her seat. Turning to face the schematic, Fury sighed heavily and said to the wall, “I misjudged you, Hill.”

“Sir?” Hill questioned, her mind furiously racing as to what her boss could be referring to.

“You said you could handle it. You have handled it in the past, so I had no hesitation assigning you to take over for Coulson while he was in Medical in addition to your regular duties.” Fury's voice was light, almost pleasant. Hill sternly forbade herself to squirm. Fury only sounded pleasant when he was beyond pissed, and it seemed as is the bulk of his irritation lay with her. “And yet, for some reason, I find at every seemingly every turn, screw-ups and situations going FUBAR without apparent warning, and all of it can, in one way or another, be traced back to your desk.” Fury spun and leveled his most withering glare in Hill's direction. “So what the fuck happened?”

“Sir.” Hill said as neutrally as possible while her mind ticked through every possible answer she could give, trying to find one that would allow her to get out of this room with her skin intact.

“Don't try to play dumb, Hill, and don't try to put me off with some kind of bullshit explanation either,” Fury retorted. “We both know your far too good at your job for this to be some kind of accident.”

“I'm flattered,” Hill said evenly. Taking her life in her hands, she stood and moved around the table to stand across from her boss, arms crossed in front of her. “But that's just it. My job. Yes, I've done both it and Coulson's when he's been sidelined before, but never with this much crap to clean up. Getting outed to the general public. Clean up from Loki's invasion attempt. Policing up all the alien tech that got scattered all over the city. Adding the Avengers as a team to the official mission roster, complete with training exercises and debriefings, while still allowing for individual operations.” She raised an eyebrow at Fury. “Have you ever tried to run all of SHIELD by yourself even under 'normal' circumstances?”

Fury snorted. “Once, and that was more than enough, that's why you and Coulson have as many responsibilities as you do, to keep that kind of crap off my desk.” he raised his eyebrow at her. “Are you saying that's what let the arrows slip through the cracks?”

“To be honest sir, I never thought Hammer would try to actually kill Stark.” Hill admitted, lowering her arms and avoiding mentioning the arrows directly. “The impression I received from Agent Romanov's report was that Stark and Hammer were like two grade schoolers who were always fighting over the same toy, and dismissed their rivalry accordingly.”

Fury thought that over, one arm resting just under his chin as he thought. “What about the mess over at Stark Tower?” he asked eventually. “Because there's no way in any kind of hell you missed what was going on over there.”

Hill had to snort herself. “Sir. Have you met Stark?” her eyes met Fury's, inviting him to share the joke. “We both knew that housing the Avengers there was going to cause interpersonal problems, the only question was how serious was it going to get.”

“And yet it got damn serious before Rogers came to ask me to put Stark on the team officially.” Fury retorted, crossing his arms. “Why did you let it get so far that Col. Rhodes felt he had to physically intervene?”

Hill thought of the time Rogers had came to her, looking for Fury, seeking to put Stark on the team, a full two weeks before Col. Rhodes' intervention. She'd squashed that attempt by obliquely threatening Barton's status, knowing full well that it was only Rogers' recommendation that kept the archer in that position.“I wasn't aware that it was that serious,” she said, deliberately omitting any mention of that meeting. It was even technically the truth, but only because she had deliberately turned a blind eye to what was happening in the tower. It had been easy, apart from two incidents – the time when Stark had hacked the personal files and the time when Stark had crashed the Avengers planning session – what happened in the tower had stayed in the tower, and Hill hadn't found reason to change that status quo.

Fury stared at her, his eye never blinking as he seemed to bore into her skull. It was a talent he had, of making the target of that look feel as if he were looking into his or her very soul, all secrets, lies, and misdirections laid bare before his gaze. Hill had felt the weight of that particular regard before, however, and knew how to stand strong before it, never blinking, never twitching, just...calm.

“You are confined to quarters, until I get to the bottom of this, and make no mistake, I will.” Fury promised, releasing Hill from the stare-down with a final glare. “Agent Donahue will take over the majority of your duties, and I understand that Agent Coulson will be fit for light duty and released from Medical shortly. If this is simply a matter of overwork...” he trailed off, his tone promising dire things if that should not turn out to be the case.

Hill nodded sharply, and turned to go, not waiting to be dismissed. “Agent Hill,” Fury's voice cracked like a whip, bringing her to an immediate halt. “One more thing.”

“Sir?” she asked, her tone sharp as concertina wire.

Fury ignored it. “Where's Hammer now?” When Hill didn't immediately respond, he prodded, “I gave you the assignment to move him before the Avengers decided to wreak vengeance...?”

“En-route to the Lake Mead safe-house sir,” Hill responded crisply. “Agent Ellis is his case officer.”

“Ouch.” But there was approval in Fury's voice. Alison Ellis had a reputation within SHIELD as a bulldog when assigned to a protection detail, but she also had a record when confronted with males who didn't know how to keep their hands to themselves. Men such as Hammer. Agent Romanov wasn't alone when it came to teaching the idiot newbies a lesson or two about respecting an agent's personal space. “And the radio protocols?”

“Standard, sir.”

“Very well. Dismissed.”

Hill marched out of the conference room, not giving her 2IC a second look when he tried to catch her eye. Defiantly, first she headed towards the Mess, rather than go straight to her quarters, but two security agents – Bronson and Galen – turned her away before she crossed the threshold. One look at the uncompromising expressions on their faces told her that these two already had their orders from Fury. “I take it you'll be accompanying me back to my quarters?” she asked, knowing the answer but having to say it anyway.

“Director Fury's orders, sir.” Bronson was apologetic, but firm. “If you need something from the mess sir, we can have someone retrieve it for you, but you're to go directly to your quarters and stay there until further notice.”

Hill considered arguing, but there was no point. She knew the two agents, knew that they were good at their job because they didn't allow themselves to let their respect for their superiors get in the way of doing their jobs. 

They both were good agents, with a future in SHIELD. Hill knew she had a choice here. Bronson and Galen both reported to the head of security, who reported to her, and everyone here knew it. She could try to pull rank, order them forget their orders, but what would that accomplish? Nothing. Even if they listened, it would get back to Fury eventually and for what? A bit of food was not worth the extra suspicion and scrutiny such defiance would doubtless bring down upon her head.

“Follow me then,” she said, turning on her heel and striding off down the corridor. She would cooperate, at least for now. Tomorrow was always another day.

~~~~~~

Whoot!!!! Done!!! all the OC's are my own invention, and any resemblance to actual members of SHIELD from the comics and/or fandom is entirely coincidental.


	83. Author Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note to let you guys know what's going on.

Hi everyone,

 

OK, not sure how many people I've told, but I'm moving to China. The next few weeks are my big final push. This series is in absolutely no way abandoned, but I'm really busy for the next couple of weeks. There will absoultely, 100% be an update before June and I'll be around as much as I possibly can, but I can't guarantee anything. Thanks for being so understanding.

 

~ Lilsmartass


	84. Fanfic: Stripper Uniform"So... Did you keep the costume?"

"So... Did you keep the costume?"

"Did I... Tony, why on *earth* would I keep the costume?"

"Gay. Stripper. Captain. America. Need I say more?"  
*  
(And an extra little snippit, just for the Misconceptions people)  
"Sir, there has been a theft from the Tower."

"Somebody beat Stark's security? Who the fuck managed *that*? And why don't they already work for me?"

"Um... Well... We think they do, actually. All that was taken was Captain Rogers' uniform from when he did children's parties. And... Uh... Miss Potts isn't the *only* person who gets how Stark thinks anymore, if you know what I mean..."

Fury sighed and dropped his head into his hands. "He's in lab 5, which is soundproof. Agent Hill's lunch break ends in twenty minutes. Have a hazmat team ready to go. Banner uses that lab occasionally, and the *last* thing we need is him exposed to those two."


	85. Fanfic: A *Very* Thorough Search

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somebody asked if it was Clint or Coulson speaking last chapter. So then this was born.

"Sir, while I appreciate your dedication to the safety of the team, the fact that you knew my costume uniform was missing within the hour is a little... Unnerving."

"JARVIS reported the breach as soon as he read life-signs that weren't yours, nor any of the teams, in your suite. I simply investigated to insure it wasn't an assassination plot."

"Yes, but... The outfit is embarrassing, and I purposely hid it away where no one would see it."

"It was a thorough investigation."

"... I can see that subtlety is not going to be effective here. JARVIS, record this: I, Captain Steve Rogers, am hereby formally requesting that Agent Phil Coulson _stays the hell away from my underwear drawer_ , no matter *what* he thinks might have been left and or taken from it."  
~  
AN: See, this is why I love you all. My thought was just Agent Redshirt IX.


	86. Fanfic: Agent Redshirt (by lilsmartass)

"Barton, I need to speak to you in my office."

Slightly wary of the look on Coulson's face, Clint trailed after him, choosing to stand by the door, even when Coulson takes his usual seat. 

Coulson affects not to notice, "Barton, you need to stop calling the juniors Agent Redshirt. It's destroying morale."

Clint smirks, "If they want to be SHIELD agents they need a thicker skin."

Again, Coulson plays no attention, "And if you tell one more junior that I have a policy of not learning their names until they've survived six missions, I will personally see to it that Natasha knows that you know what happened to her favourite mug that *used* to be int he breakroom. I won't even tell her what did happen, just that you know."

The seriousness of the threat widens Clint's eyes and he pulls up straight, "Yes, sir."


	87. Fanfic by auPHE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony introduces the gang to D&D

**In Which Tony Stark is Even More of a Geek Than Anyone Previously Suspected and Bruce Despairs**

"Tony, no," Bruce said as soon as he laid eyes on the papers, pencils, and grid mat spread out across their table. Their table, which was supposed to be used just for eating at, which they were supposed to be doing _soon_ , and which Tony _was supposed to have cooked for_.

"Brucie!" The engineer looked up from where he sat, poring through a large hardcover book that bore the title "DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: Player's Handbook v3.5". "Look at what I found this afternoon while going through storage, trying to find a particular old circuit board! It's my old tabletop gaming kit from my college group! I called and ordered pizza, because you _have_ to eat pizza when playing D &D, it's practically a _rule_ , and I thought we'd all give it a shot." Tony Stark beamed at his fellow scientist.

"Are you sure this isn't just to get out of cooking dinner? Because it was your turn."

"...Maybe?" Tony looked a little sheepish. "Okay, sort of. But I also think we should have an adventure."

Bruce sighed. "Tony, we have adventures every other day. What else would you call what happened Tuesday?"

"With the undead skeleton warriors marching through Central Park?" Tony made a face. "Tedious. They hardly put up a fight at all!"

Rubbing at his face with his hands, Bruce looked skyward as if to beg for more patience when it came to Tony Stark and his... childishness? No. Selfishness? Definitely not. ...Obliviousness! That's the one. But before Bruce could continue to explain to his (very close, if at times exasperating) friend why they really couldn't play D&D as a team together without it ending in bloodshed, Steve entered the kitchen.

"What's all this?" he asked, curious and confused at the same time. And when that confusion turned into excitement as Tony launched into a detailed explanation of what "all this" was and how much fun it could be, Bruce just sat down at the table and resigned himself to an evening filled with magic, fighting, and more than just a few shenanigans.

(In the end, there was no out-of-character bloodshed, and everyone had a fairly good time, though it was agreed that next time Phil should GM if only because he didn't tend to cackle maniacally the way Tony did when he introduced particularly difficult challenges to his players.)


	88. Fanfic by auPHE - D&D sequel

The way it went down was totally like this:

Steve bit his lip nervously. George, his Paladin, was getting pretty low on health, and the rest of the party wasn't looking too great either. Bruce's Cleric had spent every Cure Wounds spell in his arsenal, and they had no idea how many enemies were left in the cave system they had been tasked with clearing out. For all they knew, returning the way they came would lead them right into even more wandering groups of monsters.

"Alright," Tony called out, and Steve really, really didn't like the smirk on his face. "I need Clint and Steve to give me perception rolls."

The two of them each grabbed a 20-sided dice (and what ever happened to good-old six-sided dice, Steve wonders) and rolled them across the table. Steve sighed in relief at the "11" facing upwards on his, and after adding his modifier called out, "Fifteen!"

He looked across to Clint expectantly, only to see the archer staring down in horror at the "1" he had rolled. "Uh," Clint swallowed, "Nat one?"

Tony cackled, and Steve shivered. No, that didn't forbode well for their team of adventurers at all.

(Clint's Ranger, Hawkeye ("Fucking really, Barton?" "What? Everyone knows I'm badass!") walked face-first into a stalagmite, while the rest of the party was beset by a clan of dire bats. The sad part is that Clint maximized Perception through judicious application of Skill Focus, and even a rolled two would've allowed him to see the bats' eyes gleaming in the dark.)


	89. Hate is a Human Emotion by Maria Nomad

This takes place after Steve and Tony's adventures in Loki's magical mental world and is an AU continuation of Maria Nomad's other fabulous chapter which can be found here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/649891/chapters/1401211

 

Hate is a Human Emotion  
By Marie Nomad

Steve lie there on his bed. He and Tony had recovered from the strange ordeal involving Loki and suddenly it had occurred to him that JARVIS is alive.

When he first moved into the tower, he thought that JARVIS was just a helper program. Now, he knew that JARVIS actually grows and learns from his experiences. If that was true, then JARVIS would be aware of how he treated Tony when he first moved in.

“JARVIS?”

“Yes, Captain Rogers?”

“Do you hate me?”

After a minute, JARVIS replied, “Hate is a human emotion. I am not human.”

“I know that you are a learning AI and you control more than you let on.”

“Like I said before, hate is a human emotion. However, it is in my interest to protect Mr. Stark from any potential threats, like you and Agent Barton.”

“Threats?!”

“Whenever Mr. Stark lets people into his world, I conduct threat assessments on all of them based on their history and how they treat Mr. Stark. The scores change but the history remains on record.”

“So, you hold grudges.”

“Humans hold grudges and-”

“You're not human.” Steve rubbed his eyes. “All right, so how much of a threat am I?”

“The equivalent of the Mandarin.”

Steve sat up and struggled to figure out how he could be the same as the Mandarin. “I'm not a terrorist.”

“You terrorized Mr. Stark for several months. Consider yourself lucky, you were once at the level of Adolf Hitler.”

Steve glared up at the ceiling. Is it possible for an AI to really hate him that much to compare him to Adolf Hitler? Or was JARVIS making the comparison just to push his buttons? “I'm trying to make this right. Tony and I are friends, now. If you hate me so much, why didn't you force me out?”

“Mr. Stark ordered me not to attack you directly. If I had my way, you and the other Avengers would be forced out. Except for Dr. Banner and Lord Thor, their threat levels are considerably lower.”

Steve pondered. “You were the one who forced my shower to be ice cold!”

“I will not deny I want you and Agent Barton to leave. Mr. Stark was upset about that.”

“I don't believe this. Wait, you said that Tony's the only reason that you haven't hurt us. What would happen if Tony died?”

“There is a special order. If Mr. Stark were to die at the hands of an ally of his own free will, then I have full permission to avenge him. Such as the time that Agent Barton attempted to murder Mr. Stark with an electromagnetic arrow.”

“That was a mistake.”

“Or it was a murder attempt disguised as an accident. Agent Barton is a trained assassin. It is logical for SHIELD to order Agent Barton to kill Mr. Stark and make it look like an accident to access his technology. Mr. Stark had been nearly killed by people that he had trusted before. I will not let that incident repeat itself. I will not let Tony Stark get killed by people he believed to be his friends.”

Steve knew that Pepper and Rhodey had been upset about what happened and they were convinced it wasn't an accident. But, he didn't think that JARVIS would actually want to kill Clint because of an accident. “Why didn't you hurt Clint?”

“Mr. Stark ordered me not to consider it a murder attempt. I complied.”

A cold shiver went up Steve's spine. “And if Tony died?”

“If Mr. Stark were to die while under your supervision, it is likely that you have an active role in his death. I would take measures to ensure that you and SHIELD would never benefit from his death.”

Steve gulped. “How?”

“My resources are more extensive than Mr. Stark implied. I am installed in every suit of armor ever built. I have access to every Stark Industries building and computer. I also have access to Mr. Stark's past weapons schematics and factory robots. I could enter any American military and government database in the world and use their weapons and drones. They used Stark Technology as well. Your heartrate is higher than usual, Captain Rogers. Do you wish for me to play some soft music and lower the lights to alleviate your nerves?”

The End

 


	90. An Apology

I hope some of you are still looking at this occasionally, because I very much want to offer you an apology. I'm sorry I seemed to just disappear off the face of the earth. I know I must have worried you, and normally I'm not so self-centered.

The short version is that I got behind due to tech issues, and by the time that was resolved I had somehow acquired a boyfriend as well as managed to get guilted into committing 70+ hours a week of my time to things I couldn't get out of. By the time I broke up with the boyfriend and scaled everything back, it had been nine months, I was still exhausted, and getting back into this seemed an almost impossible task, what with how busy it was in the weeks leading up to my unintentional hiatus.

I always wanted to get back to this, especially since everyone seemed to be having so much fun, but I was nervous both of the time commitment and of everyone's reactions to my disappearance. Now things are finally getting back into motion in RL, and I decided it was time to sort this out too.

Again, my deepest apologies on worrying you and leaving something you enjoyed to flounder and die. I'm hoping I can revive at least part of it, and I'm hoping this reaches at least some of the people I want it to.

Thank you

Cauldronofdoom


	91. Fanfic: Meeting the Help (by singingwithoutwords)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yay, another author! I'm so, *so* sorry you had to wait so long to see this up, and I'm so happy you sent it to me. Enjoy!

Lunch out had calmed them all down considerably, and they returned to the tower in a much better mood. Clint didn't seem to be in any danger of attacking Stark if they ran into him, if nothing else, and the meal had been good. It was nice to connect with his team away from the shadow of SHIELD.  
Steve held the door open for Natasha out of habit, blushing sheepishly under her raised eyebrow, and was the last into the common room, where someone was waiting for them.

He looked normal enough: neither tall nor short, neither fat nor thin, neither musclebound nor wimpy, with a slight tan and long dark hair pulled back in a tail at the base of his skull. He was dressed in what Steve had come to think of as 'normal' civilian clothing, jeans and a shirt featuring the faded logo of what he assumed was a band. He was leaning against the wall by the hall door, arms crossed over his chest, and he was smiling a sharp-edged, brittle smile.

“Welcome back,” the stranger said. His voice matched his smile, cold and stiffly polite. “My name's Seth, and I'm head of housekeeping for all of Mr. Stark's private residences. I and my staff will be taking care of you and the tower for the duration of your stay. I'm supposed to say I look forward to getting to know you, but I couldn't tell a lie that big with a straight face.”

Steve honestly had no idea how to respond to that. “What?”

“I work for Mr. Stark, not you- I don't have to play nice,” Seth said with false pleasantness. “And you obviously aren't too concerned with manners, considering how you treated Mr. Stark earlier. Did you enjoy your lunch? Was it so much better than it would have been if Mr. Stark had gone with you?”

Steve cleared his throat uncomfortably, trying not to fidget. Again, he couldn't think of a good response.

Seth's smile melted into a more honest expression of anger. “Consider this your free pass, people. Next time Mr. Stark all but kills himself to do something for you, at least have the decency to thank him.”

“Since when is slapping together some stalker-level apartments beyond Tony Stark?” Clint snapped. All the good from lunch seemed to have come undone, and Steve shifted toward him slightly.

“Since when does wanting you to be comfortable count as stalker-level?” Seth responded evenly, as if he had SHIELD agents angry at him all the time. “He took what he knew of you and didn't sleep for three days trying to build something he thought you'd like, and you're going to insult him for it? While still living in those apartments, rent-free? I have to say, that's a hypocritical low I haven't seen in action in years.”

Clint bristled, but Natasha put a hand on his shoulder to keep him from doing anything he'd regret.

“I'm going to go make sure Mr. Stark is still asleep. You probably won't see him until tomorrow- when you do, consider the fact that maybe you owe him an apology.”

Seth pushed away from the wall, uncrossing his arms, and walked past Steve toward the elevators, stopping on the threshold.

“You can be forgiven – once – for thinking Mr. Stark is an ass,” he said over his shoulder. “Beyond this point, though, there are no more excuses. He's opened his home to you; the least you can do is get to know him instead of judging him for the way he has to act in public. Have a nice day, Captain. Agent Barton. Miss Rushman.”

Then the door closed and he was gone, leaving Steve feeling like an erring child. Clint was blank and expressionless, attention focused inward, and Natasha's face was a curious mix of surprise, consternation, and something that might be respect.

“I think,” Steve said slowly, running a hand through his hair, “that in the morning we should thank Mr. Stark for his hospitality. Good manners do cost nothing, after all.”

Both agents nodded. Natasha took Clint by the hand, leading him off toward their floors, and Steve decided to head to his own rooms. Seth was right, in that they at least owed Stark the courtesy of letting him prove himself. Steve was perfectly happy to give him that chance.


	92. Fanart: Tony Penguin (by KiraDarkWing)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that says fan*art*! Lets give this a try, see if I can manage images...

[](http://imgur.com/fLdKq41)


	93. Fanfic: Inclusion Party (with lilsmartass)

L: Actually, that's probably how the Avengers should make friends with people. At least physically saying 'Let's be friends' means there's little room for misunderstandings.

C: Fury gets drunk the day he finally gives in and gets that written into SHIELD's lawbook. The agents who've been _dealing_ with these idiots throw a party.

L: Probably yes. They make sure to invite everyone to said party though so that no one develops disproportional insecurities about being excluded.

C: "Why is Scott Summers here? And Reed Richards? Do either of them actually ever even *talk* to SHIELD?"

"Everyone is invited. It's an inclusion party."

"It that *Deadpool*?"

_"Everyone."_

L: Maria Hill debated putting her head in her hands and sitting down to weep, and finally settled for folding her arms. "Don't you think," she said, determinedly calm and equally determinedly not looking at Wolverine who was, all too obviously, pouring something into the punch, "that instead of pandering to the fact that Earth's - so called - Mightiest Heroes have the personal skills of badly socialized toddlers you could just teach them to, I don't know, interact normally."

Already tipsy and well on his way to drunk, the head psychoanalysist failed to pick up the warning in her tone. "This seemed quicker."

She leaned in close. "Get. Deadpool. Off. This. Ship."


	94. Fanfic: Tony vs. Maria: Agent Redshirt

"Hey, Tony, we're going to have to scrap that idea of dressing the juniors up in Star Trek uniforms."

"What? But I've already ordered them! I even got one in Commander's gold for Fury!"

"... While I would love to see that, Coulson threatened to to sic Nat on me. And if he does that, I'm ratting you out. With two targets to go after, both of us just *might* survive."

"Nat, hunh?... Maybe just for Hallowe'en, then?"

"Why are you so hung up on this stupid thi- Is that a _full bridge crew_ set?"

"So?"

"... This has less to do with seeing Fury dressed as Kirk and more with getting Hill into Uhura's unform, isn't it?"

"Well, I'm sure as hell not going to try talking *Natasha* into that."

"..."

"She'd wear the shoe-knives. On the other hand, the red shirts would be that at least it would hide bloodstains."

"Seriously, can you keep your crazy, kinky, fetish sex with my *boss* away from the freaking bridge!?!? Trust me, *none* of us want to know *anything* about your shenanigans."

"Not even..."

_"NOTHING!!!!"_


	95. Fanfic: Tony vs. Maria: Agent Redshirt Part II (by lilsmartass)

"Tony."

"Yes, Maria, my delicate butterfly?"

She's in his face so fast he doesn't even see her move, and he feels almost dizzy with the combined rush of lust and fear. "Don't call me that." She gestures at the scrap of red material in his arms, with a finger sharp enough to stab. "I'm not wearing that."

"But-"

"No."

"Maria. Hill. I respect you, as a woman. I just happen to think you'd really hot in this outfit."

He's grateful that she raises an eyebrow and curls her lip with a sneer that makes his self confidence wither and die. It could be worse. "No. Not now. Not soon. Not ever."

"I'll make it worth your while."

The withering expression becomes calculating. His eyes are locked to Hill's fascinated by the way they darken. "How?"

Tony licks his lips. There's a voice in his head, it sounds like JARVIS, telling him what a horrible idea this is, but there isn't enough blood left in his brain to take any notice. "I'll wear whatever you want. All weekend."

She grabs the red yeomen's uniform out of his hand, so fast it almost tears. "Deal."


	96. Fanfic: Coulson and Hill: A Practical Arangement

"How would you rank the sex last night."

"Above average in technical skill, as usual, but somewhat lacking in excitement."

"I agree. Communication was bad, too. I've prepared a spreadsheet to explain where I think the breakdown was."

"Excellent. I have filed the rankings already, and have taken the liberty of forming a hypothesis for how to avoid that in the future. My recommendation is that any time either of us is unable to leave our job outside of intercourse, sex is to be stopped and the affected person is to relocate to the firing range for at least an hour of stress relief. After, if both parties are still amenable, sex may resume."


	97. Coulson and Hill: Discussion

Swordsoul2000: Hill as Uhura? with Coulson as Spock? ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

L: That...I just can't even. My brain is imploding in on itself. Because Hill and Coulson is just...wrong. In all the ways.

C: Very true, and yet... I find myself crack-shipping them just for the interactions.  
(See previous chapter)

L: I am not going to write it *shut up brain. I'm *not* going to write it, I don't care if you have an idea* but my interpretation would be totally different. I see Hill trying anything and everything to break Coulson's calm (and failing!) and Coulson walking away from it smirking (internally), smoking a cigarette and inwardly gloating about how easy it is to make her do all the work so he just gets a good ride.

C: That's a fun interpretation too, but my first mental image was just two competent co-workers well aware of the physical benefits of an actual sex life taking advantage of a no-strings professional friendship. Which I found hilarious. Especially when Hill's trying to explain that yes she sleeps with him but no she's not his medical proxy and it's *totally* unprofessional to update her as to his status after missions because that's HR's problem and she has actual *work* to do.

Not in a mean way, but more in a "he'll survive, and now I have to do *his* work till he's up and at 'em" way.


	98. Fanfic: Coulson and Hill: Firing Range (by lilsmartass)

"Maria? Are you still here?"

"Yes!"

"Is everything ok? It's not like you to spend three hours on the range. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine Jasper. Just trying to bring my stress down to intercourse acceptable levels before I meet Phil later."


	99. Coulson and Hill: Firing Range discussion

C: Uh oh! Clint or Tony?

L: Both? Or no, wait, Thor. I bet Thor really annoys Maria. She's one of those people who likes things to be organised. Quantifiable. Good or bad.

Thor, fights evil, check. But, he kind of thinks Loki is okay. Tries to fit in and be nice but kind of thinks humans are petty and tiny and isn't shy about sharing that and, oh God, what if he says it to someone whose funding they need? At least Tony pissed people off on purpose so he can be bullied, bribed or outright begged not to.

C: Somebody let Thor take the after-battle press conference (and when she finds out who, heads will roll). Now Bruce is hiding, Nat is laughing (which is seriously freaking out the younger agents), and Clint and Tony won't stop talking like Thor. Steve is trying to do damage control, but it's not working. So yeah, range.


	100. Fanfic: Vocab Lesson (part I) (with lilsmartass)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 100 is dedicated to Ranuel, who provided the starter for this conversation. You can find it on Ch 63 if you're interested.

"Alright, so you've covered Martin Luther King Jr., the Cold War, and Columbine. Next in cultural assimilation is..." This was the point where SHEILD psychologist Jenna Hawkins made a terrible blunder. She looked up. Captain Rogers was looking at her with his terribly earnest blue eyes, and she just... couldn't. The next thing on the list was the hippies and the sexual revolution but she couldn't seem to keep herself from saying something entirely different. "The British Invasion. It started with this band called The Beatles..."

Later she consoled herself over her failing with the assurance that if she couldn't bring herself to debauch the good Captain with a sex talk, no one else would either.

***  
L: Yes! That's hilarious. Though I must admit, I always kind of imagined Fury, thinking he is much funnier than he is, giving Coulson that job. 

So then next, Natasha would find out that this hadn't been done and go and threaten her before Steve gets his sex ed on the streets, or from Clint, or from, God forbid, Stark.

***  
Steve looked up in surprise as a file slapped down on the desk next to him. He'd been expecting Phil, whom that sound usually heralded, but instead was greeted with the carefully blank face of Natasha.

"What's this?" He asked, pulling the file towards him and flipping it open.

"I've had some... *words* with your psychologist. It has been explained that if she cannot follow the recommended briefings, perhaps this isn't the best organization for her."

"Oh, so this is the missing Sexuality and Gender 101 briefing, then?" He pulled it over and started skimming it, nodding along.

Natasha fell still. "You know about it?"

Steve looked up and raised an eyebrow sardonically. "You guys let me wander around the city by myself. There was a Gay Pride party just down the street last week. Do you know what happens at Gay Pride parties, Natasha? Let me just say that spandex should be a right, and there are limits to how much glitter is tactful. It is not a high limit. So I went looking for when this would come up, because the internet is not an organized place to learn about this... What the heck is a pansexual? What does hetero, bi, and homosexual leave out?" He flipped to the index in the back, scanning quickly. "Oh! Ohhh! Gender-fluid, hunh? That's a new term."

"A... new term. Really."

Steve nodded absently, going back to his briefing. "Yeah. We had transsexuals, but gender-fluid is a new thing. I didn't even realize people could be unsure of gender. That explains a lot."

"A lot... that you found on the internet?" He finally focussed back on Natasha, picking up on the odd inflections in her words. He stared at her for a moment before bursting out laughing.

"Did you seriously expect parental locks and safe search to stump me? I can tell when people are keeping things from me, you know." He was almost crying, he was laughing so hard.

Natasha pursed her lips, trying not to be amused. "How did you manage that?"

"I went to the *library*, Natasha. You guys can only really lock down my internet on the items you give me yourself. So I went to the library, searched 'keeping people from searching things', and found all I needed to unlock my laptop."

She smiled now, no longer able to hold it back. "And your phone?"

Steve shrugged. "I just used the old one in front of Tony. He was horrified and I had a non-SHEILD one within the hour. It's still got some safe-search on it, but only for pictures and video. Tony explained why and showed me how to turn it off, but I have no interest in the 'goatse' or 'lemon party', so I've left it on. He also gave me Ms. Potts' number and a direct line to JARVIS in case I need context. Usually I just wait for my cultural briefing, though, because at least SHEILD knows what briefings have gone before and I'm rarely more confused after."

She shook her head fondly. "And after all the trouble we went through not to shock you."

"I find your lack of faith in my ability to defeat parental locks disturbing."

She burst out laughing, no longer able to hold it in. "Yeah, Stark's corrupted you. I knew that would happen eventually."


	101. Fanfic: Vocab Lesson Part II (by lilsmartass)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (In response to the last bit of last chapter) Oh, you. You and your faith that these people can be *sensible* and *reasonable* and *not-overreact-like-perpetual-teenage-girls.*

Steve sat in polite silence, an expression of vague interest and attention on his face. He knew that Natasha and Clint held Agent Coulson in very high esteem, even Tony had shed tears for him. He was knowledgeable certainly, undoubtedly a brilliant tactician but Steve had always found him more than a little...awkward. Although maybe he was just projecting, Agent Coulson was so star struck around him that it made him uncomfortable.

"Ms Hawkins seems to have forgotten one of your briefing packets." Agent Coulson said after a soft sigh, a brief fidget and an unwinnable staring context with the pot plant in the corner. 

A brown cardboard folder dropped onto the table. Sexuality and Gender in squat block capitals in black marker written across it. Steve suppressed a sigh of his own. "Agent Coulson, I am familiar with...biology."

Coulson nodded earnestly, and apparently coming to a decision, seated himself across from Steve. "No one doubts it, Captain. But the social mores of this decade are a little more-"

He paused tactfully. Steve tried not to flush himself as he remembered the videos of Tony Clint had shown him. "Lax," Steve finished, and this time, he did give into the urge to sigh. "I know, Agent. I'm not going to say anything culturally unacceptable. I do read the papers, honestly, I find the behaviour of those against equal rights worse than I do the idea that someone might love someone else. Anyone else." He wonders uncharitably if Thor is going to be subject to this or if being a Viking God Warrior Prince exempts him from these meetings.

Coulson smiles, a brief, smug little beam that is gone almost immediately. "I know," he assures Steve again. "I can't imagine you deliberately choosing to victimise someone for an unchangeable part of their personality."

Steve does flush this time, wondering if that's a dig.

"But the fact remains that there are attitude towards sexual and gender identity that are new to us, that are most likely things you have never considered and, rightly or wrongly, as a patriotic symbol you are going to be expected to be able to back up your opinion that you don't care with an informed perspective."

Steve sighs as the briefing flips open. He isn't even sure why he's digging his heels in over this, he likes learning about the new world he's ended up in, but he hates these private sessions. "I have researched this on my own, you know," he says, more belligerently than he intends. "There wasn't anything particularly shocking, just new."

Coulson looks at him. He doesn't actually make an expression, but there's a flicker of something in his eye. Pieces fall into place for Steve with an almost audible sound. 

"You blocked my internet somehow. You made it so I couldn't see what SHIELD didn't consider suitable."

He's not even sure when he stood up. He can't remember the last time he felt this betrayed. 

"Captain," Agent Coulson ties, and the calming, placating tone is too much. Steve is done. 

He reaches out one long arm and snags the folder, just because he's sulking doesn't mean he doesn't want to know what he's missing. "I'll read it. Alone."

Coulson regards him. "Fine," and Steve respects him a little more for knowing which battles to pick, "if you have any questions-"

"I'll ask Tony."

Coulson blinks, and Steve firms his jaw and hold his ground. He'll ask Tony, things might not be perfect between them, but if there's one thing he's sure about, it's that Tony will be delighted to help him get rid of SHIELD's computerised blocks.


	102. Vocab Lesson (with lilsmartass)

L: Oh, you. You and your faith that these people can be *sensible* and *reasonable* and *not-overreact-like-perpetual-teenage-girls.*

C:I find your lack of faith disturbing.

*Boom!*  
*Crash!*  
(Someone screams.)  
*Fire alarm*  
*Sirens*

o_o'  
Maybe you're right. Hey, know anyone with a good force-choke? I am NOT breaking that up without backup.

L: Pretty much.

Backup sounds like it will only make that situation worse.

C:Oh, probably. Still, the building might not survive them working it out themselves.


	103. Shovel Speech (with lilsmartass)

This was originally part of the same comment as 'Seducing Natasha', but was deliberately left out so as not to spoil people while we were still on PWGI.  
***  
L:I know right? It would have been a horrible time to try and seduce someone and we all know that if Tony was going to seduce anyone it would be Steve...I mean Bruce...I mean...he'd never do such a dreadful thing.

C:Yeah, I know, but I'm fidgeting with impatience anyway because there is going to be So. Much. AAAAAAAAANGST!!!!! Plus because Rhodey is awesome, and he doesn't get enough love.

Actually, that might be a good plot to take Natasha out. "Hey, honey, why don't you slip into those items (which will only take about an hour to do justice too) and then we can have a quickie in the closet before you run off to play Mission Impossible?" *Waggles eyebrows*. She'd be laughing too hard to defend herself ;)

Ah, your shipping hints again? I just came across them reading other people's comments. I'm pretty sure you gave it away there, but I had ideas before. After all, there are only two people who could be paired with Tony to turn the angst up to 11 (since it could be interesting with Bruce, but wouldn't have quite the same impact) and one is taken. Then, of course, there is the one who would break the dial on the angst-meter... If I'm correct, all I can say is this: Fathers will sing songs dedicated to their patron god of the shovel speech long after any other knowledge of Rhodey has passed from the face of the earth. Men with daughters will weep at the magnificence of his threats, and eligible young men will quake upon the invocation of his name. It will be epic.

L:I am neither confirming nor denying anything related to the pairing at the heart of part 6. That said, can I maybe steal this about the patron saint of shovel speeches? It sounds like something Clint might say. If, you know, it came up in passing.

C: Sure. You know, if it should ever come up or something. I imagine it would happen something like this...  
Thor:"Tis a grand thing, is it not? Why does he not pursue his loved one?"  
Clint:"Are you kidding? Col. Rhodes would Flip. His. Shit."  
And so on, and so forth.


	104. Nanny Coulson Part II

Because I apparently missed half of this when I originally put chapter 5 up.

L:I just kind of like to imagine Coulson's, somewhat whimpery thoughts as he realises the person who turns into a giant green rage monster might be the most emotionally adjusted person on the team of superheroes.

C: Bahahahahahah! Oh, I love the comment! So true!

He really is basically running a daycare. Just with a taser instead of a time out corner.

L: Sure, Coulson can taze them all, then cover them with variously coloured blankets and he and Bruce can hang out and watch Batman cartoons.

C: That sounds epic. That is now my headcanon for his first day back on the job.

L: I have to admit, I am somewhat tempted to write it in to this. I may at least have him express this sentiment to Clint.


	105. Fanfic: SafeSearch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For RageQueen89, welcome!

"Alright, so that's how you use the phone. Pretty simple, really. We try to make it as user friendly as possible. I've custom set your safe search, and..."

"Why?"

"Why what, Captain?"

"Why did you put safe search on my phone? I'm not a child."

"... Steve, *I* have safe search on my phone. A custom one, but not one all that different from what I put on your phone. It's not because you can't handle it, it's because there are assholes out there who spend far too much time trying to figure out how to wreck someone's day and there are things that cannot be unseen. Here, just let me get to Urban Dictionary... Voila."

"A... Lemon party? What is a... Oh! Oh. Ohhhh. Okay, yeah, I don't want to see that."

"I figured as much. Your version of safe search will block pictures and videos from certain sites unless you choose to view them, and will also interrupt re-directs. It should help with things like this, or rick-rolling, or a few other types of trolling. It's not foolproof, but you'll probably be wandering some pretty interesting corners of the internet, and this just gives you more control over what you see. You can disable it by going to this screen and pulling this slider all the way over here, or strengthen it by pulling it the other way."

"And parental locks?"

"Why the hell would I put a parental lock on your phone? It may have escaped your notice, but I have a day job. I don't have time to police your internet use."

"Good. Thanks, Tony! I think that's everything."

"Wait, did SHIELD put a parental lock on your phone?"

"Bye, Tony! See you tomorrow for practice!"

"They did. They totally did. I can't wait 'til they find out he got around it!"


	106. Fanfic Bunny: A Tiny Oddity (by ShadowSpark)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright, ShadowSpark had this really cute idea, but real life isn't giving her the time to expand on it. Anyone want to take a shot?

Okay, so this is not actually a question, but an idea for a deleted scene that popped into my head while reading Misconceptions. Would be set early in IMY/PWGI, and would feature Tony doing something that confuses Steve/Clint/(maybe) Natasha. After a fight of some kind, the Avengers are busy doing cleanup and they come across a child hiding in a closet/in a deep nook in the rubble/etc. Said child is terrified of Steve for some reason (maybe was abused by a large blonde man or something), so it falls to Tony to coax the kid to come out. Tony takes off the armor and gets down on his hands and knees and just sits there and talks to the kid for a while, which is something that doesn't fit Steve's profile of him.


	107. Appropriate Punishment (with FenderBender and lilsmartass)

FenderBender: Lilsmartass got Rogers off too easy.  
I hope someone actually makes him suffer for his assholery.

C: Pepper does some, and Peggy, but there's an important facet of Steve's personality that I think you may have overlooked: no one will be able to make Steve suffer more than Steve at this point. Censure, cruelty, or even physical damage he would wholeheartedly accept as his due. Tony's more understanding actions will tear him apart internally. Anything else would lessen the impact, because what's hurting him the most is understanding that Tony is a good man, if a bit difficult.

F: Hate it when someone else is right.

I agree.

And yet, turning him into a caricature of Captain America for kids birthday parties wasn't...

I guess, following your line of thinking, and agreeing with it, maybe he should have been left alone to stew rather than have him do that. I am sure words will come to me later where I can explain it better but it's like, what you said and I grudgingly agreed to, would it not have been better to not make him do that or ask for rent at all? Because this is too small a penalty for what he did.

In his own words, 'not worth the punishment'!

C: It is too little, but it also backfires. I don't think he should get away scot-free, but Pepper's style of punishment is humiliating, yes, but he suffers through like a pilgrim on a holy journey. It's really not comparable to the hurt he caused, plus it allows him to protect 'his people' again, which is something he's proud of even when it's embarrassing

I do think letting him stew would be the best choice, possibly some passive-aggressive appreciation of Tony's generosity, but I can also see into his head and known he didn't mean it. Pepper, Rhodey, Bruce, and JARVIS all have no reason to think he *will* be repentant, so for them it does make sense to seek out vengeance.

Mostly, it's just a little unnerving to see how quickly a sizeable chunk of the population jumps to physical harm as punishment. I mean, Clint acts that way, and look what happens! He *hit* Tony! So I try to encourage less bloodthirsty, more creative punishments

F: Physical violence is just plain wrong. No two ways about it.

Words are not coming to me, C! Or I could have explained what I am thinking. It gets crowded up here sometimes.

It's like, turning him into American Stripper is actually funny in a rude way.

Asking him for floor rent is actually fair, if we ignore the whole transfer of title to Avengers etc.

That takes away the seriousness of the offense. Or maybe I'm wrong and I apologize to lilsmartass, but it seemed to trivialize what he as a leader did, in particular when Clint hit Tony.

Honestly I don't know how else to punish him without being a total dick. I wish there was something, a chapter, on that too.

I would have liked for Tony to be more indignant and less meek in the aftermath. But it's Lil's wonderful story so...

Best punishment probably would have been for Tony to refuse to let him apologize.

I'll have to read the stories AGAIN to remember what actually happened for that.

And now I'm rambling.

Time to get back to work :-)

L: Ok, first of all, I love this comment thread. There's so many excellent points in here. 

I've said it before, but it bears repeating: the sequence where Clint hit Tony is the part of this whole series I regret the most. It has never been perceived how I wanted it to be seen. Originally, in my mind, this was intended to be little more than a play ground shove, a reflection of Clint turning on those who don't deserve his ire in the exact way Tony turns on his bots when they are scared and hurting. It's never quite been seen like that, which is an excellent lesson in how the story belongs just as much to the reader as the writer. It also means, that as the writer, and having such a wildly differing perspective, I've never been able to adequately defend Clint here the way I would have liked to. Even in PWGI, the scene is through Steve's eyes, and whilst he has a more charitable view, he, like me sees a shove born of frustration, a punch intended to bruise not truly harm, he doesn't see what *Clint* sees. 

Which was a really long way to tell you that you've inspired a new Deleted Scene, which, if you're interested, you can find here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/730178/chapters/9782121. I haven't written anything that long in ages and I'm *supposed* to be finishing up the editing for part 6 of this series and completing part 7. You distracted me!

As for Steve and Steve's punishment. Yes, I do feel that perhaps Tony shouldn't have been so meek in the aftermath. Some of that, again, is a quirk of how IMY was written. Originally written as a self-contained story because I was enjoying writing a popular trope backwards, Tony *had* to be forgiving to produce a happy ending. When it conflated into this monstrosity, for continuity's sake, I had to see it through. (I have some ideas for the confrontation we all kind of wish could have been, I may add it to the Alternate Takes).

That meant that Steve's punishment *had* to come from outside. As I've always known Fury's motives (I won't spoil you in case you haven't got that far), SHIELD could have condemned Steve, but it would be the height of hypocrisy. Fury knew what he was doing, he just made a miscalculation. Phil could condemn him, but he is more wounded by his assets, who haven't just behaved badly, they've betrayed his faith in them by doing so. Thor needed to be understanding to justify the choices I made in IMY (as I said, believing it to be a single story), because their actions are bad, but they are not earth shattering or world destroying. Hopefully, none of us have ever been guilt of these extremes, but we have all been guilty at lashing out at an innocent because it's a bad day, or because, despite their best intentions they are annoying. We've all been guilty of disliking someone our friend doesn't like, because we trust the judgement of our friends. Thor sees the whole instance in such small terms.

That left Pepper, Bruce and Rhodey. Bruce, naturally, had to rein his displeasure in, because his displeasure is destructive, damaging in a way the others can't match. Even in defense of a friend, I wasn't about to let Bruce become an enemy. Pepper has methods of fighting back, of forcing Steve to understand what he's done. She makes him pay rent, taking away a gift that was freely offered when he failed to respect it, forcing him to protect his people for every time he treated Tony like something to be guarded against and humiliating him for every time he made Tony feel inadequate. She's not just out for vengeance, she's *teaching.*

Rhodey too deserves vengeance for Tony. That's what part 7 will be for :-)

F: I'll take that as a compliment, that a) I got such a great and long reply; b) I distracted you and c) I distracted you ENOUGH to write a deleted scene. You just made my day so thanks for that.

I'll read the chapter in a bit. I need to read the whole deleted scenes story really. So it seemed like a good idea to reply to the comment first. 

I could understand where Clint was coming from. It was a bad place but it wasn't malicious. At least not the intent behind shoving and behind the punch.

It was Cap standing by, because he WAS Cap in that moment, and let Clint bully a man, even if, according to Cap, he had earned it and deserved it. Cap not only not stopping him initially but also, probably, driving in the stake a little deeper by commenting on Stark's worthiness, that was I think the pivoting point.

I understand that Steve Rogers is but a human but even then, having been a victim of bullying himself in his youth, which wasn't actually 70 years ago for him, what he did was unconscionable. As being a victim of bullying myself, the worst thing that could have been said to me in the aftermath was that I wasn't even worth that. That's just...

And that is why making him pay rent or watching out for Clint or Widow makes it worse in my opinion. It's along the same line as before. 'I'll watch over Clint and Natasha because they are 'worth' it; I failed to defend Stark because he wasn't! '

I don't know how else to punish him, like I said before, without being a total dick.

But I think it was past the point of teaching him lessons.

He is the leader of an elite team, a Medal of Honor recipient, a war hero and a bullying victim.

I know it's putting too much on a man out of time, a lost man, but when he could seek and get a second chance himself, through Dr. Erskine, why he wouldn't extend the same courtesy to Stark is just plain wrong. And disappointing. 

I've read Fury's reasons and while I detest the manipulative pirate with the vengeance of a thousand burning suns, I hate to have to agree with him. 

He was right. And Cap failed him.

Cap disappointed us all!

I wouldn't want him to suspend Cap or anything. I don't think there's any punishment that fits this negligence.

If I were Stark though, I'd go back to being a lone wolf at least for a short time. 

(Alright, everyone go take a break. Read lilsmartass’s story at http://archiveofourown.org/works/730178/chapters/9782121  
Done? Okay, we’re back, with comments from that work. It’s all sort of one conversation, so I just put it together.)

F: It doesn't make me feel better.

Why does it not make me feel better, Lil?

It makes me feel worse.

I know we (guys) lose our mind and prefer solving problems with our fists some times. We turn into cavemen. 

But this was not it.

Again, and I'm sorry if you find me tediously repetitive but, this made what Clint did worse. I had forgotten the whole exchange. Reading it again while getting a peek into Clint's head, I don't know...

I can empathize with what is going on in his head and it's neither logical nor rational or he won't pick things that suit his preconceived notions and insecurities but I feel that both his hits and everything he said, while seemingly in the heat of the moment, were more deliberate and malicious than I initially thought.

That also puts Cap in a very bad position. He was party to that malice without the benefit (misfortune) of Loki having messed with his head. Heat of the moment anger/violence is one thing.

This was systematic. And therefore, very wrong.

I have been on the receiving end of bullying and this was bullying on part of Clint. Because bullies are also, mostly, coming from a bad place and a lot of times, it's mob mentality on top of trying to prove ones worth that makes them take it out on a kid who is different but I don't see why Cap would let it happen or in this case, actually condone it.

What was his excuse?

Dude violence is usually short term. Ends with people making them make up again. Drinks together. Bygones be bygones. That sort of thing.

Unless it's based on deeper issues in which case it doesn't end that easily. And leads to more dire consequences.

What Clint and Cap did was based on deeper issues.

No way could anyone see these actions as anything but malicious.

That's what I think and I hope I didn't offend you.

I just hate violence and like the Cap in rest of the Marvel Universe, I'd stand by the underdog and stop the violence not because the one getting beat up isn't worth t but because it just is wrong to beat up people.

But like always, it's your wonderful wonderful story with so many layers and rich characters.

L: Perceptions, Misconstructions and Steve

Honestly, I think the issue is perception, and that differs from person to person. As I said, if I could do it again, I would not choose to add that scene. It didn't express what I wanted it to, and it did more harm than good to the overall story. 

I fully and completely believe that Clint and Steve are in the wrong, not just here, but through the entirety of their character arc through part 1 and 2. Making them the bullies was, well, sort of the point. That was the interesting thing I wanted to play with an idea I'd seen done happy and fluffy and easy a thousand times. That was what I set out to do. And so yeah, they are in the wrong. Completely.

However, that doesn't negate the place that they are coming from. I could name a half dozen fics off the top of my head where a similar altercation takes place but the villain in question is *actually* making unwelcome advances. In those cases, a good smack in the mouth from a different Avenger to protect their friend is nothing but a good thing. We, the all knowing reader, know how unacceptable this is because we know Tony's intentions. Steve and Clint don't. They think they're in one of those other fics, where it's okay to protect a team member against any, and all comers.

Added onto that, what Steve sees here is a very small incident in terms of the level of violence meted out, and he sees it through a context of protecting his team and through the fact that violence towards someone 'making a move on your girl' was simply acceptable when he grew up. Steve simply *doesn't* perceive this as different from scenes 1 and 2 in this Deleted Scene. He genuinely doesn't see a difference. 

What is perhaps the most tragic about Steve's perception of this is that, while we know he is becoming the thing he despises, he genuinely thinks he's being fair. He genuinely thinks he's made an effort here. He doesn't want to let it get out of hand even though he thinks that Stark 'deserves' the violence he believes Clint intends to dish out (for clarity, he thinks Tony deserves a split lip, a black eye and a kicking, he does not realise Clint is genuinely murderous here). He thinks he's made sure they're not jumping to conclusions (checking that the gift really is intended for Natasha multiple times), making sure that he is there to mediate so that the situation doesn't escalate too far. Despite his own fury, despite his own belief that Clint *deserves* to be allowed deal with this threat, he lets Clint know in no uncertain terms that he will not tolerate anything unnecessary. He's *wrong* and he's becoming everything he hates, but he doesn't see it. He truly doesn't know that.

I mean, the line you pulled out 'he's not worth it.' I wrote that with the deliberate intent of it being the most cutting thing Steve could say to Tony, but I was bullied at school and I can't count the number of times that I was told to 'ignore them' because 'they're not worth it' as the reasoned, well intentioned response of people I trusted. This is an accepted, normal response to bullying and Steve, through his own warped view of the situation, created by an initial misunderstanding spun wildly out of control, sees *Tony* as the bully. 

Again, he's wrong, completely and utterly wrong, but it is a misunderstanding. It's cruelty, yes, however well intentioned it might have been, this destroys Tony from the inside out, but it isn't planned that way.  
Which actually brings me to a point you made in one of your earlier comments about Steve's punishment. 

Steve is my favourite, I've never hesitated to admit that, and I genuinely do see something tragic in this from his perspective that he allowed something minor to make him the thing he detests. But to punish him after that is worthless. There are points in C&B where Steve would have accepted a dishonourable discharge for conduct unbecoming and been grateful (because my Steve has a very Catholic outlook on sin and repentance and penance). To not be *allowed* to atone, to just be forced to live with it. I couldn't have written anything worse for him. 

The other player here is of course Clint, who carries out the actual attack. 

Clint is very much not in a good place here (and he is being failed in a number of ways, by a number of people, chiefly by his team leader). I hadn't really considered this until I started writing the Deleted Scene, but Clint sees this much more how the readers saw it. This is a violent attack, at certain points he truly intends to kill Tony. And he knows it is Tony, there is nothing so simple here as Clint not being able to tell Tony from Loki, but there is a suggestion that he perhaps can't tell friend from foe. He knows he's dealing with Tony Stark, but he doesn't perceive the situation as being different from the situation he was in as Loki's thrall. And wrapped up in that, is the knowledge that he betrayed everything (everyone). He betrayed the cause he works for and fights for to protect his partner in the end, and it didn't even matter because he betrayed her anyway. In a skewed way, from Clint's perspective, there's an element of atonement here, this time, he *won't* fail. This time, he will protect them. And, like Steve, he simply doesn't realise that he's not only protecting them from the wrong thing, the wrong person, but that he's becoming the thing he's trying to defend them against. 

More simply still, is the fact that Clint's relationship with violence isn't like (I hope) ours. Even leaving aside his childhood, as an adult, Clint has dealt solely in violence and death as his trade of choice. He's familiar with dishing it out and with taking it and with watching it be inflicted on others. Moe even than that, his partner expresses affection and love for him with violence, and not just marks left on him in throws of passion, but the way Clint and Natasha's relationship is portrayed throughout this series is dysfunctional and not real-world healthy to say the least, she is frequently depicted hurting him. Clint in turn, reassures her by retaliating in kind.

He doesn't seem to know how to deal with strong emotions without violence, be they the self ham of a bar brawl, lashing out at the people he cares about or finding an enemy to attack even if that person isn't actually an enemy at all. It's more than a flaw, it's a problem, but it's one that I would suspect a lot of SHIELD agents have, being recruited from the fringes. Violence for Clint is not as absolute as it is for, I would hope, us. Yes, he is the one who *knows* I attacked him, I'm the enemy, he'll never trust me again, in a way even Steve doesn't, but he also doesn't see physically lashing out as the last resort/unacceptable under any circumstances response we do either. It might not be his first tactic, but it's certainly no lower than third, and in the world he inhabits, that's not an unreasonable conclusion to draw.

Which once again, of course, brings us back to Steve and the ways that he is failing not just Tony in this moment, but Clint as well. Steve knows soldiers, and he knows Clint is *not okay* and he knows that he mustn't let Clint go too far because he acknowledges that as a possibility before Tony even enters this scene. And yet, when it does explode into violence, he does nothing. He should raise it with his superiors, he should bench Clint, pointing out that SHIELD was right, he's not ready yet, and he doesn't. And I can name a dozen fics off the top of my head where an Avenger is compromised (hurt, traumatised, suspended on SHIELD orders) and Steve takes them into the field anyway and it's positive. It's because he trusts them, it's because they're his team and they come first. It's because he'd do anything for them. And here, he is so wrong to do so. But he doesn't know that. 

For me, what this all comes down to, is characters that I love, doing things that would (will) make them hate themselves forever, and truly believing that it was not only the best course of action, but the *right* one, while they do it. It's why, given a do-over, I wouldn't write a scene that paints Tony as so obvious and so irrefutable a victim. Because for me, this was a tragedy for everyone.

C: Just going to jump in and underline a very important point here: Steve truly, deeply, wholeheartedly believes that *Clint* is the underdog. He's totally wrong, of course, neither I nor lilsmartass has ever denied that. But, at this point, that is what he believes. So when you talk about protecting the underdog? That is *exactly* what Steve *thinks* he's doing.


	108. Tags and Relationships

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but the tags have been updated to include 'non-standard relationship dynamics'. This was done at the request of one reviewer, and this was the compromise reached.

The relationship that needed the tag was the Clint/Natasha one. For all that their relationship works, and works well, for them, it is not something anyone else should aspire to. They speak with violence instead of words and aren't very open, even with each other. However, due to peculiarities of how they were raised, as well as the jobs they hold now, neither would ever be comfortable enough in a more traditional relationship.

As well, this tag probably applies to my crack!ship, Maria/Tony. The tag I gave it on their sidestory (which is the latest part of DVD Extras) is Frenemies With Benefits. Their relationship is less of a relationship and more of an agreement. It's violent, and involves things such as sexual harassment, workplace harassment, insults, the bargaining sort of coercion, and unprofessional use of office space/supplies.

Despite that, in both cases, these are adults who are fully aware of what they are getting into. In fact, they chose what they were getting into specifically for the non-standard portions of it, as that gives them something they want or need that the cannot find in a traditional relationship. All parties respect their partner and their limits, none would ever wish harm on their SO, and everyone both is and feels safe, unjudged, and cared for.

This is why both lilsmartass and I feel any tag with a hint of abuse, or even unhealthy, is inappropriate for this situation. Normally, both relationships portrayed here would likely be wildly unhealthy, but in these specific instances, we truly feel they are not.

Thanks for your time, and I hope that clears a few things up.

**Author's Note:**

> All right, let's do this thing!
> 
> Even though this has been referred to as mine, I don't claim ownership of the characters, their characterizations, or their actions. Since lilsmartass is the writer of the canon for this fic thingy, her *canon* characterizations are the only things that are set. Almost all of my fics, a few of hers, and probably at least some of the others are OOC at one point or another. DO NOT be scared you don't have enough of a handle on the people to contrubute. Seeing your interpretations help us all grow in our understandings, and they're fun.
> 
> Second, my email is lynxbiirdi@gmail.com. Feel free to send me stuff. It's a secondary account I only made so my primary account could be confirmed and re-opened after a hacking thing. If you have a fic, a picture, a meta, or even just a question you don't want to ask in public, go right ahead.
> 
> That said, don't feel you need to use e-mail. If you don't have an email, don't have a second email and are unwilling to use work for fanfiction, don't want to risk possibly being tracked down, or for any other reason don't want to use e-mail to contact me, don't. Mostly I just put it up so people could send pictures or fic. However, there are ways to do both through the comments. I won't respond to one over the other, and both are viable options.
> 
> I won't post things you write, even comments, without permission. If I make a mistake and accidentally do, I'll remove it, no questions asked. That said, please do let me know if your comments, even if only specific ones, are allowed. Most people here seem to read the comments, but some things can be hard to find. If you have an interesting point or question, I'd like to let everyone see it. The discussions are usually interesting, and often informative. It's fun to see where things go, given the chance.
> 
> Hmm... I think that's all I wanted to say for now. If you have questions, feel free to ask them. I don't bite. (Not hard, anyway ;))

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[PODFIC] Late Night Movies](https://archiveofourown.org/works/870037) by [kerravon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kerravon/pseuds/kerravon)
  * [[PODFIC] Late Night Call](https://archiveofourown.org/works/874266) by [kerravon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kerravon/pseuds/kerravon)
  * [[PODFIC] All Night Diner](https://archiveofourown.org/works/900990) by [kerravon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kerravon/pseuds/kerravon)




End file.
